Tides of Time
by Spectral Serenade
Summary: Alternate BtVS S6/AtS S3: Buffy is killed during an apocalyptic battle, and Angel is forced to wander the devastated earth alone. 100 years into the future he is sent back in time by the PTB to ensure Buffy isn't killed, and history doesn't repeat itself. Can he prevent Buffy's death, or will their complicated relationship get in the way? Angel's P.O.V.
1. Preface

**Preface**

Oh my god! What's this, a story?! It can't be... mind blown!

My apologies, good readers, for taking so bloody long to get this posted up here. I've had quite the hectic year, not to mention a horrible case of writing A.D.D. - I had about five stories on the go at one point... it was bad... I will never do it again.

Moving on, I feel the need to talk about this story a bit before I actually get on with posting it – I know this probably violates a whole bunch of FFnet rules, so I hope it doesn't get deleted.

This story is one that has been in my mind in one form or another for a really, really long time now. If you've poked around my profile then you'll know that I stopped writing for over ten years before getting back into the fanfic game – this story idea was the last thing I wrote before I stopped. It was never finished, and since I was only 15 or 16 at the time, it has since morphed into something almost entirely different than what I'd intended it to be as a teenager, but the bare bones of the story are the same.

I guess in a way this was my Everest. I hate leaving things unfinished, and to have half-written a story, scrapped it, then left it floating in the recesses of my brain for such a long time was a difficult thing to do... and a more difficult thing to finish as it turns out! But here we are, almost two years after I started writing it, and it's finally done!

Now, a few things before you continue: if you have any issues at all with character death, turn back now. I'm not going to give any more details, because I don't want to ruin the story for anyone, but if you have an aversion to that sort of thing, then this isn't the story for you. Also, if you are devoutly religious, this may not be the story for you either.

I'd like to start by saying that I have nothing but respect for people's personal beliefs, and it has made me hesitant about posting this story, as I've been afraid of people taking it the wrong way. I have taken a story from _Revelations_, and moulded it to fit in with the Buffyverse. I want to assume if you're someone reading stories about a woman chosen to rid the world of vampires and demons that you're a bit more open minded than your Average-Joe, but I suppose you can never be too careful. This does not reflect my personal beliefs, or my personal point of view on Christianity, I simply had an idea and ran with it. I sincerely do not want anyone to take offence by it.

I think I've rambled long enough. I guess I should probably get on with it. As of right now I'm not sure how regular updates will be. The story is complete, and I'm editing each chapter as I go, however I know there are a few parts that I may want to re-write, so bear with me, I may not be able to update every week like I did with Silhouette Lies.

Thanks for reading!

~ Spectral Serenade

p.s. In case I forget to mention it in future chapters, while this does take place during Season 3 of AtS, I have not included Fred in the story. At the time I began writing, it had been so long since I'd watched any episodes she was in that I didn't think I could write her and all her techno-babble. I have nothing against the character, I just couldn't fit her into the story.


	2. Chapter 1: One Hundred Years of Solitude

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Welcome to the story! Again, sorry for the long wait, this has been a doozy to write. I hope you read the preface to get a bit of a background on this, and I hope you'll review despite me being a jerk who has been promising to have this finished for about a year now.

**Tides of Time**

"_The night has a thousand eyes,_

_And the day but one; _

_Yet the light of the bright world dies _

_With the dying sun. _

_The mind has a thousand eyes, _

_And the heart but one: _

_Yet the light of a whole life dies _

_When love is done."_

- Francis William Bourdillon

Chapter 1: One Hundred Years of Solitude

Sunnydale had become a wasteland.

What was I saying; the whole world had become a wasteland. For the past one hundred years, I watched as humanity crumbled around me, as creatures more terrible than the human mind should even be capable of dreaming up spread destruction; toppled governments, decimated cities, tore apart lives...

Lives I couldn't save.

The guilt ate away at whatever shred of a soul I had left, and part of me wished to walk into the sun, to end it all, but that would require for the sun to actually rise... I can't remember the last time I had to take shelter during the day.

It was as if the sun knew she was gone, as if it went into mourning and never came out. It abandoned its duty as I did.

No, I couldn't walk into the sunlight, I couldn't wash away my pain as the flames engulfed me; I don't deserve the sweet release of death. I should suffer - I do suffer, every day.

For her.

I marvelled as I approached what remained of Restfield Cemetery. While the rest of the town had been reduced almost entirely to rubble, a portion of the entry gates still remained, and although most of them had been destroyed, stumps of marble and stone protruded from the barren ground where graves were once marked.

I closed my eyes as I continued deeper into the cemetery, I tried to imagine how it used to look; the lush grass beneath my feet, the dark canopy of trees above my head...

Her walking at my side.

I opened my eyes, and the sight caused another wave of guilt to wash over me. Every year that I returned I thought it couldn't possibly get worse, but it does. It always does. I drowned in remorse, it filled my dead lungs, crushed my cold heart, and dragged me deeper and deeper into its dark abyss. The weight of it had been unbearable for years, but still I continued on, I tormented myself, it's what I deserved.

As I neared the centre of the cemetery, I saw one tombstone still standing, chipped and weathered by time. A growl rumbled deep in my chest as I approached it, as I saw the graffiti that has marred its sleek surface for ages;

_Die Bitch Die_

_ Victory at Last!_

_ Rot in Hell Slayer_

I fell to my knees in front of the headstone, and remained still and silent for a moment. Every year I willed myself to shed a tear, but I think I'd forgotten how to cry. My existence had become a hollow one, reduced to hiding in the shadows, lurking to avoid the wrath of the demon inhabitants of the world, watching the destruction that I caused. That is how I punished myself for her death. How I tortured myself for not being able to protect those she loved. I lived this Hell first hand.

I raised my arm slowly, and lightly traced my finger over her name carved in the stone. If I focused on the grooves that spell her name, that etch out the exact moment she was taken from my life, I could ignore the cruel words that defaced her final resting place.

"Buffy..." I whisper.

It was the only word I'd spoken in ages, I had no one else to speak to, and to make too much noise could spell your demise those days. Yet, despite this fact, the word still did not feel foreign as it slid over my tongue, I don't think I could ever detach myself from her name.

How long I remained crouched there, silently, staring hazily at her headstone I do not know. I always lost track of time when I visited her. My pain-staking efforts to track hours, days, months, years, in this desolate world lost their meaning when I'm faced with what I lost. It's only once I pulled myself out of my fog that I ever remembered why I do it; so that if I'm ever so lucky as to be face-to-face with her again I can tell her how long I suffered for her, so she'll know how hard I tried to repent.

The grinding of gravel broke me out of my reverie. Something was nearby. I remained frozen in place and listened; some of these creatures are large and slow; their vision is poor, and if you're still enough they will pass you right by.

After a few minutes of silence, I'm convinced that if there was something there, it's now gone. I rose slowly anyway, and swept my gaze over my surroundings. The coast was clear, but I felt as though I should find cover just in case.

Heading deeper into the cemetery, I remembered that the facade of the Crawford Mansion was still standing last year. A testament to classic architecture: that all the modern buildings crumbled, while many of the older ones still stood. Humanity's addiction to new technology, speed, change, had ultimately been its undoing. If only someone could have warned them.

The thick cover of trees that had once hidden the Mansion from view was gone, and the giant stone structure loomed ominously over the barren land. I pressed forward, past the debris of the fountain, and into the dark remains, praying that there weren't any demons that had taken up residence within. I was in no shape to fight, any living creature, human or animal, had been extinct for some time, I hadn't had a meal in ages. The interior of the mansion was empty as far as I could tell, I wasn't sure it was stable, but it would do for one night's rest. The walls and ceilings that still stood were terribly cracked, weeds and vines growing through them, threatening its structural integrity. Then again, I mused, if the building collapsed around me, and I was crushed, it wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen to me.

I turned the corner, and entered the room I had once used as a bedroom. There was no longer any furniture inside, cobwebs hung in every corner, and a thick layer of dirt and dust coated the floor. I lay down in it against the far wall, I'd long since stopped caring about my appearance, there was no reason to these days.

I curled myself into a fetal position and closed my eyes. If I was lucky, I could get a bit of sleep before the nightmares kicked in, as they always did. When I woke, it would be time to move on... that was the only way to stay alive anymore, to keep moving, constantly.

As sleep took over me, I swore I heard the wind rustle through the trees outside

Odd, aside from the fact that there were no trees, there was never any wind anymore.

~0~

"Angel? ANGEL?!"

My eyes shot open at the sound of someone shouting my name. Fear gripped my heart, who – or what – had found me? Who knew what I was called?

I scrambled to my hands and knees, and began to crawl along the edge of the room, when I ran head first into a large wooden object. Looking up, I realized it was a bed frame – my bed frame to be exact, the one that had furnished the Mansion when I lived there over a hundred years ago. Looking more closely, I realized that the bed was also made with my sheets.

Confusion washed over me, and it was then that I realized that the floor no longer felt grimy and caked with dirt underneath my fingers as it had the night before. Ripping my eyes from the bed, I scanned the room, to find it completely furnished with the belongings I had abandoned when I left Sunnydale in the year 2000. I rose to my feet, and it dawned on me that I no longer felt weak or drained from starvation... not only that, but I could see a tiny sliver of sunlight creeping through a crack in the heavy curtains that hadn't been closed tightly enough.

I didn't have any more time to dwell on the bizarre change of my surroundings, for the voice called my name again, a voice which, through the haze of time, I was beginning to remember. It was female, and I heard her mutter something unintelligible to human ears under her breath. Her tone was sarcastic, and in the confusion all I managed to catch was the word "immature".

"Angel! I know you're here!" she called once more.

It was then that it hit me like a tidal wave. The sweet melody of her voice crashed down around me, despite the irritation that coloured her speech, it was the most beautiful sound I'd heard in a hundred years.

Apprehensively, I stepped slowly out of the bedroom and into the main room of the Mansion. Alarm bells went off inside my head as I surveyed the state of the room. The crumbling walls were completely intact, all signs of destruction or decay were absent. The fireplace still stood, the remains of a charred log lay inside, as though someone had lit a fire recently. A few more of my discarded knick-knacks were strewn about, and a book sat at the edge of the fireplace, where I'd often left one on nights when I stayed in reading.

"_Ahem._"

My attention was pulled back from marveling at the room by the voice once more. Turning, I finally saw her; the door was flung open behind her, the sunlight spilling into the dark room, causing her hair to glow like a golden halo. I marveled at the sight; this had to be a dream.

"Buffy..." I said, my own voice startling me. It was no longer hoarse, like it was never used, the sound was rich, it filled the room.

Her arms were folded over her chest, and she regarded me with a rather scornful expression, "What are you doing here?" she asked.

"What?" I replied. I was lost, I felt too lucid to be dreaming, besides, the only dreams I'd had in the last hundred years had been nightmares, never had I been in such a comforting location, never had Buffy looked so beautiful, so healthy... so angry, now that I looked more closely.

I crossed my arms to mirror her stance, I was shocked even more, as I pinched my own arm to see if I was dreaming, that I was no longer a wraith; there was muscle on my bones. I ran a hand over my face, through my hair, it was short, somewhat coiffed despite the fact that I'd just woken up. Something wasn't right, where had I woken up?

"I thought we decided last time we saw each other to stay apart unless something end-of-the-worldly was happening." she snapped.

"We did?" I asked. I thought back to the last time I saw her... I shuddered and pushed the memory out of my mind.

"Did you forget already?" she asked.

I didn't respond, I didn't know what to do... I wanted to move closer to her, to touch her, to see if she was real, but she still stood bathed in the sunlight; part of me felt like she was doing it on purpose so I couldn't approach her.

"Just tell me why you're here Angel." she sighed.

"I... I came to see you." I answered. It was true, to some extent.

"You came to see me?"

"Yes," I replied.

"You came to see me... but not actually see me?" she chuckled sardonically.

I blinked, I searched her face, I searched the room; I had no idea what she was talking about, "What?" I asked.

She sighed again, "I thought we were past you lurking around town behind my back."

I was happy to not have a heartbeat, I was sure it would be pounding a mile a minute, I was disoriented, frightened, I thought perhaps I'd finally lost my mind.

"Do you think it's fair that I hear from _Spike_, that you're back in town?" she asked harshly.

"I... I don't know."

Spike... it had been ages since I thought of my Protegé. He'd been one of the first to go, before the sun had disappeared. The demons had dragged him into the daylight, executed him for being a traitor, for fighting with the Slayer and her team.

"You don't know?" she scoffed.

"No." I swallowed.

She peered at me, her brow furrowed and her mouth pulled into a frown, "Are you alright?" she asked.

"I don't know." I answered again.

She looked away from me, and took a deep breath, as though to calm herself.

"Angel, I can't have you skulking around, not on top of everything else I'm dealing with."

"Right." I said. Was it right? I wasn't even sure what was happening.

"I'm just... I'm trying to put my life back together." she whispered.

I looked her in the eyes again, she looked tortured, her eyes pleaded with me to understand. I wondered if my eyes looked as tortured to her.

"You understand, don't you?" she asked.

"I... I don't know." I replied. From the rage that suddenly flashed in her eyes, I knew I probably should have agreed, but I didn't even know what it was I was supposed to be understanding.

"You don't know much today, do you?" she seethed.

"I'm sorry." I answered, "I-"

"Don't, Angel." she interrupted, "Just please leave. Please." she begged, her eyes were haunted, exhausted, I wondered what was torturing her so.

Before I had a chance to ask, she spun on her heel, and swiftly stalked out of the mansion without as much as a glance over her shoulder, slamming the door in her wake. I rushed to the door, and pressed my hands to the heavy wooden surface. It was solid, and warm to my touch, heated from the sun's rays. I began to walk around the room, my hand slid along the door, the wall, over light sconces, along the mantle of the fireplace. All solid, all inarguably real.

This was not a dream.

Panic took hold of me finally, what was happening? I rushed back into the bedroom, and was about to fling open the curtains when a new voice stopped me in my actions.

"Hey now Big Guy, the Powers will be mighty peeved if they went through all this trouble for ye to end up a pile of soot."

The chipper Irish brogue made a shiver run up my spine. Still clutching the edge of the curtains tightly, I turned to glance behind me. There, with a wry grin on his face stood a dark haired man with light eyes. He had his hands stuffed into the pockets of a brown leather jacket, a bright red collared shirt underneath.

"Doyle?" I stammered.

"Long time, no see, Boss." he chuckled, "Now how about ye step away from the window?"

Without even realizing what I was doing, my hands dropped to my sides, and I turned to face my former friend, my mind still reeling. First Buffy, now Doyle? "Wh-what... how-"

"I know, I know," Doyle replied, his hands held up to me in a gesture of surrender, "I told those blasted Powers that they should send me first, then take care of the temporal fold after ye knew what was going on... but who am I to tell The Powers That Be what's best?"

I stared at him unblinking for a moment, "Temporal fold?"

Doyle sighed, "Maybe ye should sit down for this."

I remained rooted in spot. Where the Powers were involved, bad news usually followed... at least in my case it seemed. If it was them that was messing with me, I wasn't too happy about it.

"Right then..." Doyle muttered.

"Just tell me why you're here." I stated calmly. The panic had slowly faded, I knew now that I wasn't losing my mind, I was just probably being forced to fight another battle for Higher Beings who left me to suffer for a century. "Actually, you might want to start with why Buffy was just standing in the other room."

"Yeah, I was hopin' I would get here before she showed up... but I'm still new with this whole time-travel thing..." he trailed off, I suppose the unamused look on my face was a little more intimidating than I thought. Perhaps a hundred years of solitude had set me back when it came to human-interaction.

"You keep talking about time-travel, the Powers... if you don't tell me what's going on soon, I'm throwing open those curtains... I've been ready to die for a century now, it really won't bother me." I snarled.

"Okay! Okay! Don't kill the messenger!" Doyle stammered, "Which is what I am!" he chuckled, it was hollow, unamused, "Those bastards up there won't even leave me alone in death... I'm still runnin' around delivering their messages."

"So you're a ghost?" I asked.

"To put it plainly." he confirmed.

"And Buffy is too?" I asked apprehensively. It would destroy me if the Powers had her in their grasp even in the afterlife. She deserved to rest in Peace.

"No!" Doyle replied quickly, he heard the horror in my voice, "Buffy is very, very much real."

I studied his face, then looked around the room, the room that only hours ago had been decaying around me, "I don't understand."

"There was a mistake." Doyle explained cautiously.

"A mistake?"

Doyle rubbed his hands together nervously, he looked uneasy as he continued, "Buffy... Buffy wasn't supposed to die when she did."

The revelation came as a harsh blow. I didn't understand what he meant, were the Powers That Be supposed to have intervened? Was she supposed to have survived? I felt the beginnings of rage boiling inside of me as I thought of how Earth had crumbled in the past century, of the horrors I'd seen, of the people Buffy had loved, and I'd tried to protect, dying gruesome deaths in front of me; was none of it supposed to have happened? "What does that have to do with me?" I asked, almost dreading the answer.

"They – the Powers – they've decided that ye need to save her." he explained, "You need to change the course of human history, and stop her from dying when she did."

In a different lifetime, I probably would have laughed at the injustice. Instead, I crossed to the bed, and sunk down to sit on the edge of it.

"I told ye you'd need to sit down." Doyle said gravely.

I felt numb. Buffy's passing had haunted me for the past hundred years, even now, as I replayed the most horrible moment I'd experienced in over three-hundred years in my mind, I couldn't figure out what I could possibly to do change it. "How am I supposed to do this?" I whispered, I felt as though I was lost a sea, with not a shred of land in sight.

"They didn't exactly give me any details." Doyle replied morosely.

"Of course they didn't," I sighed, "How much time do I have?"

"Well, right now, you're back in Sunnydale spying on her because Rupert Giles called ye sayin' he was worried about her... so..."

I remembered now, the confrontation that had occurred with Buffy mere moments ago. It had only been a couple of months since Willow brought her back to life. Giles had called, at his wits end, saying Buffy had been acting strangely, and he didn't know where else to turn to. He wondered if maybe I could help pull her out of the funk she seemed to be in. I'd been apprehensive, but Giles had pleaded with me, almost reducing to tears, and I had agreed to come to town. I'd stayed hidden for about a few days, before running into Spike one evening... obviously the other vampire had blabbed to Buffy that I was back in town, and she'd come by the very next day to scold me. I tried to think back that far, to how much longer after that I'd had to watch my love be slaughtered.

"Five months?" I growled, "I have _five months_ to completely change the course of history?"

"Apparently these Temporal Fold things are tricky, it was the best they could do." Doyle offered.

I snorted, "I thought 'Temporal Folds were not to indulge at the whims of lower beings'" I mocked, recalling the words The Oracles had spoken to me very long ago.

"They're not. Neither you, nor Buffy are lower beings... ye know that." Doyle replied sombrely, "The both of ye cannot let the future unfold the way it did... it wasn't supposed to end this way."

"What happens if I fail?" I asked.

"Nothin'." Doyle answered, he fidgeted uncomfortably before continuing, "The future will unfold as it already has."

I watched his body language silently, I could feel there was something he wasn't telling me; "Maybe I should rephrase that: what happens to _me_ if I fail?"

Again, Doyle fidgeted uncomfortably, and averted his eyes to the floor before he spoke, "The same as what happened before."

I felt the cold icy fingers of dread begin to close around my heart, "What do you mean 'the same as before'?" I breathed.

Doyle hesitated, whether out of pity or fear I couldn't tell, as he pushed his hands back into his coat pockets, and dug the toe of his shoe into my rug, "You'll just keep on livin'... you'll go through time as it runs its course." he muttered.

A growl erupted from my chest before I could stop it, and before I was aware what I was doing I was on my feet, grabbing hold of a large, decorative copper bowl sitting on the nightstand and flinging it across the room. It flew just a little to close to Doyle's head, before slamming into the opposite wall with a tinny _clang_, and clattering to the floor.

"Angel... Mate... easy there pal..." Doyle stammered, backing away from me slowly.

I began to pace back and forth, like a ferocious caged beast, "You're telling me..." I snarled, "That not only will I have to watch the only person I've ever truly loved unconditionally die for a _second_ time, but I'll have to re-live the one hundred years of war, death, and destruction that followed all over again?!"

"This wasn't my choice Angel, trust me, I tried to get ye a better deal but..." he sputtered to a halt upon meeting my eyes. Whether it was the rage or the horror filling them that caused him to stop I wasn't sure, but he finished his sentence in almost a whisper: "I'm just the messenger."

The anger seeped from my bones as I stood helplessly in front of the man who at one point I'd considered a close friend and confidant, my shoulders slumped in defeat. I could rage against him as much as I wanted to, it wouldn't change the situation, I had but one choice; to do everything in my power to make sure Buffy survived.

"Got any pointers for me?" I asked, a defeated grimace playing on my lips.

Doyle returned the sad grin, "Sorry mate, you know how hopeless I was in battle... and with the ladies."

I smiled slightly, the first genuine one I had attempted in over a century.

"Hey, say hello to 'Delia for me." he chuckled. His face fell a moment later, "On second thought, don't. I'm sure she's still blazin' mad at me for givin' 'er those awful visions."

"Actually, she did pretty well with those, you would've been proud of her." I recalled, fondly remembering the strong, caring woman Cordelia Chase had grown in to.

"That should be _doing_, Angel man. She's _doing_ well with those..." Doyle corrected, "You'd best get used to speaking in present tense, they're all alive now, ye know."

I suddenly felt my chest swell with excitement and anxiety, I was so caught up with the daunting task ahead of me that it hadn't even occurred to me that all the people I'd lost would now, once more, be amongst the living. It frightened me, the thought of seeing them all again; what if I was different somehow? What if they noticed?

Doyle could see I had lost myself in nostalgic thoughts and grinned, "Good luck Angel, and be careful, ye hear? I'm rootin' for ye on the other side."

Before I had time to thank him, he had vanished, and I was left standing alone in my bedroom once more. The silence of the empty mansion hung thick around me, and put me back on edge, I had lived too many tortured years in seclusion and silence, hiding from demons and narrowly escaping death.

Suddenly feeling claustrophobic, I hurried into the larger entry room, and sat down on the hearth of the fireplace, my elbows resting on my knees. It was still daylight, I had no choice but to remain indoors for at least a few more hours... but even when the sun did set, what would I do? I needed to come up with a game plan of sorts. I tried to recall what had happened after Buffy had sought me out to berate me for not honouring our decision; if my memory served, I had simply left town as she had asked. She'd been through so much, I couldn't bear to cause her more pain. All I'd ever wanted was for her to be happy, and so returned to L.A. without as much as a goodbye. I scowled at that thought, why did I never say goodbye?

Perhaps it was the disorientation of being thrust back in time, coupled with the thrill of knowing that a few mere miles from where I currently sat, Buffy was living and breathing, as I'd longed for her to be; but I decided that perhaps this time I should stay in town... If the events that had unfolded the first time around had brought about her death, than clearly doing the opposite should keep her alive, should they not? I was perplexed, quantum physics was not one of my strong suits. Who was to say which of the events that had come to pass was the catalyst for that which followed? Perhaps it was something that I was not even aware of, it could be something that I had absolutely no control over.

Feeling suddenly overwhelmed, I decided it would be best to relax until nightfall, maybe do some reading, or some Tai-Chi until I could venture back out into Sunnydale.

One thing I knew for sure, was that if all else failed, I had to make sure I remained at Buffy's side as much as possible – if I was there to protect her, then maybe, just maybe, I could save her this time.

~0~


	3. Chapter 2: Like Seeing Ghosts

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself (and hopefully you readers) for a little while.**

Author's Note: Welcome to chapter 2! Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed!

So, as you can see, I've gone ahead and changed the rating already, I'm considering bumping it up to M due to some violence and an *ahem* _adult situation_, in later chapters, but I didn't want it to disappear into the abyss for anyone that may have gotten interested by the first chapter. Just a heads up that if you can't find it in a little while, that's probably where it will be!

Just to answer a few questions that popped up in the reviews section, this is an alternate Season 6/Season 3, so no, Connor does not exist in this timeline. Once this starts to progress, you'll see the scope of it, and hopefully have a better understanding of why I eliminated a lot of elements from the actual seasons. I didn't want this to become more complex than it already turned out to be, and have it spiral out of control - I mean come on people, it took me long enough to finish as it was! I really wanted to focus on the relationship between Buffy and Angel, as well as what occurred in that aforementioned "apocalyptic battle" (I'm not giving more details, just keep reading and eventually everything will be explained). As for why Angel was so distraught over Buffy's death this time around, when after it occurred in "The Gift" he was okay after taking a little holiday in Tibet, it'll all be explained in time, there are still 25 more chapters, and 147 pages to go!

* * *

Chapter 2: Like Seeing Ghosts

As soon as the sun was far enough below the horizon for me to venture out into the night, I was out the doors of the mansion and heading towards Sunnydale's centre. Out of habit, I had started out by keeping to the shadows; jumping at any slight movement or noise, but by the time I'd made my way into more populated areas, I found myself simply marvelling at the town I thought I would never see in tact again; at the people bustling about happily, heading home after a long day of work, running errands, going out with friends. The normalcy and mundanity of it all almost brought a tear to my eye.

I was so busy taking in the life around me, that the voice calling my name barely registered in my ears.

"Angel?"

I turned around, and in front of the coffee shop I saw a young girl, her long, straight brown hair hanging like curtains around her face, her eyes wide like saucers as she gawked at me.

"Dawn..." I murmured. I suppressed a shudder as I studied the teenager; the last time I'd seen her had been another moment that had plagued my nightmares for the past century. "It's late, what are you doing out?"

"It's eight o'clock... I'm almost sixteen, I can be out on my own after dark." she huffed.

I grimaced, "Right. Sorry... I just-"

"Forgot? No problem, everyone else does too." she grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I'm really sorry Dawn, I just haven't really seen you since-"

"You left Buffy after her high school graduation?" she interrupted again.

"Yeah," I replied, the way she was glaring at me was making me uncomfortable. I didn't remember Buffy being so sullen when she was around Dawn's age.

"You said you would call." she said accusingly.

It was odd, thinking that I had promised someone who hadn't actually existed when I left Buffy that I would keep in touch with her, but I thought perhaps reminding her of that fact would not go over very well, "It was a hard time for me Dawn, I didn't mean to break my promise."

"Yeah, whatever..." she grumbled, casting her eyes to the ground briefly. I was about to ask her if I could walk her to wherever she was heading, I felt just as protective of her has I did of Buffy, but her brow knitted together, and she looked back up at me quizzically. "I thought Buffy told you to leave."

It was time for my brow to furrow, "I'm sorry?"

"I overheard her talking to Willow this afternoon... actually, it was more like yelling... about how you were sneaking around town behind her back again." she explained, "It's the most emotional I've seen her since she-" she stopped mid-sentence, and an haunted expression washed over her face before she continued more quietly, "... came back."

I watched her quietly for a moment, she looked troubled upon mentioning her sister's resurrection. Perhaps Giles' pleading over the phone hadn't been an exaggeration. I'd known he must have been out of other options if he'd been bothering to call _me _of all people, but perhaps in my haste to leave Sunnydale and avoid another conflict with Buffy I'd overlooked how dire the situation really was.

"How has she been doing?" I asked gently.

Dawn frowned, and took a long pause before answering, "I don't really know... I can't read her anymore." she confessed.

I took a step towards her as she leaned back against the wall of the coffee shop, the subject of Buffy had suddenly left her looking more burdened than a normal fifteen year old should.

"What do you mean?" I inquired.

She sighed heavily, "I used to be able to read how she was feeling, even when she was pretending that she was okay, because she didn't want anyone to know she was hurt... but now... she just looks blank, all the time, I can't tell what she's thinking." She looked down to her feet. Her hair fell into her face, and when she pushed it back behind her ear there was a frustrated grin on her lips, "And I can't even talk to anyone about it, because they're all too busy being happy that she's alive, and ignoring the fact that she isn't right."

Guilt began to gnaw at my insides, I knew why Buffy wasn't right, but I swore to her I'd keep quiet. From what I'd been told by Buffy, she often butted heads with Dawn, even more so since their mother passed; but clearly the younger girl was still worried about her sister, it was hard to lie to her.

"You know Dawn," I began, "I don't have to leave."

She looked up at me, perplexed, "What do you mean?"

"I could stick around for awhile, maybe try to talk to Buffy... I know she wants me gone, but if you think it might help her-"

"Oh could you?!" Dawn exclaimed, her face lighting up for the first time since I ran into her this evening, as she pushed herself off the wall and clutched my arm gratefully.

"I will, if you want me to."

"Please." she nodded, the grin fell from her face, and she suddenly became more serious again, "I know she's mad right now... but you're the only person that's every really gotten her, you know?"

Anguish shot through my chest at her words, if only she knew how much I'd let both her and her sister down.

"Thank you Angel, I mean it!" she said, then releasing my arm, hurried off down the street.

"Bye, Dawn..." I muttered to myself as I watched her flit down the sidewalk and out of view.

I supposed now, I really did have to stay; I couldn't very well break a promise to Dawn twice. I continued down the sidewalk somewhat aimlessly, I hadn't really thought up much of a plan upon embarking into the night. Living like a nomad for nearly a hundred years had made it nearly unbearable to remain shut up in the mansion all day, I was accustomed to staying on the move, venturing out into the night had simply been instinctual to me.

It was then that I decided, if I were to stay in Sunnydale, I should probably visit Buffy and apologize. The last thing she, or I needed given the situation was to be at odds with each other. I hoped I could at the very least convince her to be alright with me staying. This was her town after all, I left it behind, and I had no business being here – at least in her opinion. To the Powers That Be, however, that was an entirely different story.

I vaguely remembered Buffy mentioning that Giles had bought the magic shop the year prior. I was sure to venture over to Revello Drive would be to come face to face with a ticked-off, redheaded witch, and decided it would probably be my best bet to stop by and see if Giles was around instead. As I turned the next corner and neared what was now called The Magic Box, I could see the lights were still on inside, and a sign reading 'Come in, we're open' hung in the window.

I hurried to the door and pushed it open, a small bell tinkled overhead as I stepped into the shop. It was empty, but after a fair amount of scuffling, a young woman came shooting out of a back room, her arms full of merchandise.

"Welcome to the Magic Box! How may I- Oh." Anya skidded to a halt next to the counter, and stood there silently, blinking at me for a moment, "You're Angel. Buffy's ex... the vampire one." she blurted.

I almost grinned, I couldn't believe I'd forgotten how blunt and to-the-point Anya was, "Yes," I replied, I opened my mouth to speak, but she cut me off.

"I'm Anya, in case you don't remember. I'm Xander's fiancée – oh, but you can't tell anyone yet, we're waiting until Buffy's more _adjusted_ as Xander likes to put it." she continued.

"I remember you, Anya. How are you?" I asked.

"Well, I've been pretty peeved actually, since Xander won't let me tell anyone we're engaged. I can't even wear my ring!" she attempted to hold her left hand out from under the pile of books, herbs and trinkets in her arms, so I could see her bare fingers, "But I guess other than that I can't complain." she babbled, "So... what are you doing here?"

"Actually I was hoping to catch Giles or Buffy." I explained, taking a few steps further into the shop as she began to bustle around, depositing a charm necklace here, slipping a book back onto a shelf there.

"Giles hasn't really been here much since he came back from England, only when there's something demon-y going on, and it's been pretty quiet lately. And Buffy's probably out patrolling this time of night – though I'm not too sure you'd want to talk to her, Xander told me that Willow told him that she's pretty mad at you." she rattled as she finished re-stocking the last of the herbs and turned to face me as she brushed off her hands.

"That's actually why I wanted to see her," I began, though I wasn't quite sure why I was bothering to explain any of this to her, maybe I had been lonelier than I thought, "I was hoping to apologize for-"

I was interrupted by the bell above the door tinkling again, I turned to see who was entering, and discovered Willow and Xander standing in the doorway; a look of surprise on Willow's face, and one of pure enmity on Xander's.

"Angel..." Willow gasped.

"Dead Boy!" Xander glowered, "What are you still doing here?"

"He's looking for Buffy." Anya answered for me.

"In a nutshell," I muttered.

"Buffy doesn't want to see you, take a hint and go back to your shiny new life." Xander fumed, as he brushed past me to put a protective arm around Anya. An image flashed through my mind of a bloodied Xander clutching Anya's lifeless body as he sobbed, I tried to mask a wince.

"Oh, but he said he wanted to apologize." she added as an afterthought.

"Really?" Willow asked, with a slight twinkle of hope in her eye.

"Ye-"

"Buffy's been through enough recently, she doesn't need you lumbering around in the shadows." Xander spat.

I sighed in frustration, and turned back to Willow with a pleading look on my face, "I wasn't trying to hide from her, I swear." I knew Willow was really the only one in the room whom I might be able to rely on.

A pitiful expression swept over Willow's face, and she took a small step towards me.

"Don't take his side Willow!" Xander sputtered.

"You weren't? You swear?" she asked, ignoring Xander's outburst.

I took a few cautious steps towards her, as I neared, I could see the tiniest glint of warning behind the pity in her eyes; she wanted to trust me, but also wanted me to know her loyalty lay with Buffy. "I swear," I whispered, then cast a glance back at Anya and Xander, who was still glaring daggers at me, "Can we talk outside?"

She nodded, and turned to make her way back towards the door.

"You may have won her over, Dead Boy! But it's gonna take more than sad puppy-dog eyes to convince me!" Xander called after us as I followed Willow out of the shop.

She spun around once we were back on the street, her fiery hair fanning out around her head before it settled as she stared up at me questioningly.

Being so close to the young sorceress again was beginning to stir up the anxiety that seemed to have vanished upon returning to the past. She had lasted the longest out of all of Buffy's friends, and had finally met her end by laying down her life to protect Dawn.

"What is it?" she asked, shaking me out of the horrors I was re-playing in my head.

"I just... I just want someone else to know why I'm here." I explained.

She nodded again, waiting for me to continue.

"Giles called me, he said he was worried about the way Buffy's been acting and wanted me to talk to her."

Willow looked puzzled, "What's wrong with the way Buffy's been acting?"

I froze, I'd forgotten that Giles had said Willow was in denial, that she was still on a high from managing to bring Buffy back in the first place.

"I don't know... that's what he called me here to see." I replied vaguely, "I only arrived last night, I haven't been watching her from the shadows, I promise." I thought a change of subject was the easiest way to avoid an awkward conversation.

She paused, and studied me silently again, "You could go by the house and wait for her if you want. She's out patrolling right now."

I sighed in relief, "Thank you Willow, I mean it. But I think I'll go stop in to see Giles first, I'll come by later to talk to her."

She nodded again, then turned to go back into the Magic Box, however she stopped herself and turned back towards me, "Please don't hurt her Angel, she's been through a lot." she pleaded.

"I won't." I added _I hope _silently, she didn't need to hear.

With a friendly smile, she disappeared back into the shop.

Feeling a little more readjusted, now that I'd run into almost everyone in Buffy's crew, and none had seemed to notice anything out of sorts, I turned to head towards Giles place.

"You have _got_ to be kiddin' me!" came a snort from the shadows.

I peered into the alley next to the Magic Box, the red glow from the end of a cigarette blinked at me from the darkness, before Spike appeared in the street.

"I figured you'd be halfway back to L.A. by now... if Buffy hadn't dusted you, that is." he chuckled.

A chill ran up my spine as I studied him.

~0~

_"Dawn, stay back!" I shouted, swinging a large, rusted chain at the demon that charged us. Most of our weapons had already been lost, and it had only been four days since we'd gone on the run. I heard Willow shout something in Latin, and a large, spiralling ball of fire leaped from her fingertips, shooting towards our assailants. _

_ Xander deflected a demon's axe with our only remaining sword, before he and Anya turned, lifted an injured Giles off the ground, and sprinted as fast as they could further into the large warehouse._

_ "I can fight! Let me help!" came Dawn's voice from behind me, as I whipped the chain at the oncoming demon again._

_ "There aren't any weapons left, just go hide!" I grunted, dodging the demon's meaty fist._

_ "But-"_

_ "Cordelia!" I cut her off, "Get Dawn out of here!"_

_ Cordelia came rushing from where her, Gunn, and Wesley were grappling with their own demon, and grabbed Dawn by the wrist, "Come on Dawn," she panted, and dragged her in the direction Xander and Anya had run._

_ "No! Stop!" Dawn grunted, and struggled against Cordelia's grip. _

_ "We need to at least get them back outside! Then we can barricade the door!" Spike shouted over the din, just before one of the demons managed to land a blow to the side of his head._

_ "Traitor!" it growled, as it pounded its fist into the ground, narrowly missing Spike as he manage to roll out of the way._

_ "No need to be so harsh, you bloody oaf!" he slammed his foot into the demon's knee, but at the same time, it swung another punch that Spike didn't see coming. The fist connected with his stomach, and he went flying across the floor. Upon seeing this, the demon I fought turned, and charged towards him, lifting him off the ground by the collar of his shirt. Slowly, the other demons stopped fighting, and turned towards Spike. Willow took the moment to conjure something that looked like a lightning bolt, it shot from her hands at one of the demons, it barely had any effect._

_ "Vampire! You fight for the side of good! You should die for this betrayal!" the demon holding Spike roared._

_ I charged the group of demons, and lunging towards one wrapped my chain tightly around its neck. It flailed briefly, trying to throw me, before another ripped me off its back and threw me across the room._

_ "Do not interfere, Souled One, we have no interest in you." It snarled, as the group began to move towards the door, where the bright sunlight was spilling into the warehouse._

_ "Stop!" Wesley shouted, and he and Gunn rushed the demons, they too were thrown aside, slamming into the concrete wall and sliding to the ground as if they were nothing more than rag dolls._

_ The demons all grabbed hold of Spike, hoisting him over their heads, and began to head towards the door._

_ "Where are you takin' me?!" Spike shouted, "Hey! Hey! Stop!"_

_ "SPIKE!" came a shrill howl from across the warehouse, and I saw Dawn rushing towards the door. Willow acted the fastest, and intercepted her, holding her back. "Spike! SPIKE! Help him! Someone has to help him!" she wailed._

_ "Stop! STOP! NO!" Spike struggled against the demons' grip._

_ I pulled myself to my feet, and tried to run after them, but they were already out the door by the time I was close enough. I stood at the edge of the line the sunlight left on the floor, dividing the safety of the warehouse from the bright outdoors, as I watched Spike struggle and shriek with each slow step the demons took further into the daylight, they were solemn and made no noises as Spike continued to howl, as though they were pallbearers in a ghastly funeral procession._

_ "Let me go! LET ME GO!" His body started to smoke, I closed my eyes before the flames began._

_ Behind me, Dawn's wails grew louder._

~0~

"What in bloody hell is the matter with you?"

Spike's words shook me out of my reverie, he studied me with a sardonic scowl on his face, "N-nothing, nothing. I'm fine." I replied.

"The Hell you are, mate. What happened? Did Buffy knock you around a bit too hard?" he taunted.

"No. I said I'm fine." Normally I would feel the urge to lash out at him, but I was feeling so relieved to see him alive that any frustration I usually felt in his presence had melted away.

"Fine. Whatever you say... but really, why are you still around?"

"None of your business." I grumbled, turning to continue down the street. Being a vampire, Spike's instincts were more finely tuned than the others, he could sense the extra turmoil in me. I needed to get away before he started asking too many questions.

"You're not tryin' to win her back all of a sudden are you?!" he chuckled as I began to stalk away.

"No." I called over my shoulder.

"Because that would be rich after you disappear for almost three years! She may be irrational when it comes to you, but she's not that stupid!" he taunted.

"Goodbye Spike!" I called without turning around, and continued around the corner.

Was I trying to win her back? I would admit that I hadn't thought about a plan very thoroughly. The shock of discovering Buffy was alive again had kept me from thinking about much of anything else, and running into her friends... people who had fought valiantly at my side, people I'd watched suffer horrible gruesome deaths... it had thrown me.

I would be lying to myself to ignore how I felt about Buffy. In the hundred years I spent with only my own thoughts to keep me company, the only thing that had stayed clear in my mind was my love for her. If anything, I was more sure of my feelings for her now than I had been before she'd died. Time had not extinguished the flame I held for her, and the more time I spent on my own, the more I wished I'd had more happy memories of her. So often I'd drifted to our more gut-wrenching moments, and replaying them over in my mind, wished that I'd taken a different road.

Of course, I'd always thought it was too late to change anything; she was gone, and no amount of wishing could bring her back.

Until now. Now she was here; living, breathing... resenting me. I frowned, I knew Buffy well enough to know that re-gaining her trust would not be easy. But if I did, could I be with her? Would it go against the Powers That Be's plan? Would it only end up hurting things in the end? Was I thinking of Buffy's best interests, or my own?

A low growl rumbled in my chest. Of course it wasn't in Buffy's best interests to be with me, it never was. I'd put her in more danger than all the other things she'd fought combined... I'd been the one that had caused her ultimate demise. It would be selfish to try and reconcile our relationship.

On the other hand, that tiny, greedy voice in the back of my mind was telling me that after what I'd been through the past century, maybe I deserved to be a little selfish.

My conflicting thoughts led me all the way to Giles' front door. Mustering the courage, I climbed the front steps and knocked. Though he was able to be civil with me now, I knew he still didn't like my presence. Every so often I would see him looking at me with a morose and haunted expression, and I would know instantly that he was thinking of Jenny Calendar, and how I had so cruelly ripped her from his life.

The door swung open halfway, and a grey-haired head peered out. Giles squinted at me in the darkness, before throwing the door open the rest of the way.

"Ah, Angel." he greeted quietly as he finished cleaning his glasses and placed them back on his nose, "Thank you so much for coming, I know you're busy these days and-"

"It's really alright Giles." I interrupted, "Where Buffy's involved... you know I'd never hesitate to help."

He smiled at me sadly, "Yes..." he muttered, then stepped aside, "Please come in,"

I brushed past him, and stepped into the cozy sitting room.

"I'd offer you something, but I stopped going by the butcher's once we'd stopped keeping Spike here..." he added, as he shut the door, and crossed to sit in an armchair.

"It's alright," I replied, I'd gotten so used to not feeding that I hadn't even thought of it since waking here. I positioned myself on the couch in front of him, and an awkward silence filled the room. I looked up to see Giles staring pensively into the top of the weathered coffee table, his brow was furrowed, and he removed his glasses again to rub a hand over his eyes.

"So... Buffy." I began.

"Yes... yes," he answered, finally looking up at me, "Where should I begin..." he sighed.

"What do you think is wrong with her?" I asked.

He sighed again, as he repositioned his glasses, "I'm not sure really, that's why I called you."

I studied the man I'd grown to see as Buffy's father, the worry was etched deeply into his features. I recalled how in losing Buffy we'd reconciled our differences, and how that had made it all the more painful losing him.

"The two most likely scenarios, in my opinion..." he stopped, and grimaced, "They're not the easiest to digest..."

"That's why I'm here." I answered earnestly.

Giles nodded, "Yes, yes... well, Buffy's been reluctant to talk about where she was before she was... brought back" he chose his words carefully, almost as though he, himself didn't want to think she'd been dead for an entire summer. "I'm worried perhaps that she's having trouble overcoming whatever trauma she endured."

My stomach fell, I knew what Buffy's secret was and why she wouldn't speak of it to any of her friends, but I couldn't explain that to Giles, it would crush him.

"You were the only person I could think of who may be able to empathize with what she's gone through. Perhaps you'd be able to help her." he explained.

It was my turn to nod, "I'll talk to her, see if I can get through to her at all... What was the other scenario?"

Giles expression became darker, he clenched his fists, and took in an unnecessarily long breath before continuing, "I fear that perhaps there were some unexpected side effects from the spell Willow performed."

I leaned forward to rest my elbows on my knees. Though I knew nothing had gone wrong with the resurrection spell, it still frightened me to think of Buffy coming back not right. I suppressed a shudder.

"Willow will not own up to it," Giles continued in a clipped tone, "But to use a spell like the one she did requires a lot of skill, a lot of dark magic... she got lucky that Buffy came back in one piece, but I'm worried that perhaps there were some psychological effects that weren't taken into consideration."

I remained silent, as I watched Giles struggle to battle the emotional turmoil plainly visible on his face, "I feel like everyone is too busy celebrating that she's alive again to notice that she isn't herself... She won't speak to me, Lord knows she won't open up to Spike... I was reluctant to bother you, and I know we've had our share of differences over the past few years but you were my first thought when it came to someone who could potentially get through to her." he explained almost pleadingly.

I nodded in agreement as I mulled over what Giles had just divulged. Thought I was afraid in light of our confrontation earlier this morning that she would not open up to me so willingly, I knew that ultimately, if I wanted to save her life I need to have her trust me again. "I'll call Cordelia tomorrow, let her know that I'll be staying here for awhile. My team there will be more than capable of running things without me for a little while."

Relief washed over Giles' features, and I could swear I saw him blink back a tear, "This really means a lot to me Angel, thank you."

"She's the Slayer, Giles. If she's not okay, how can anyone expect her to fight?"

"I agree." He paused slightly, "I know... I know this mustn't be easy for you, being around her..."

"It's alright, I-"

I stopped mid-sentence as I heard the front door swing open.

"Good news Giles!" came Buffy's voice, it sounded overly-chipper, forced, "It turns out there isn't a sociopath out there mutilating the neighbourhood cats; it's just a demon! I killed it though, so-"

She trailed off as she entered the sitting room, and her eyes fell on me. She fidgeted slightly, and glanced angrily to Giles, then back to me.

"What are you doing here?"

~0~

_If it's not clear already, anything in italics is a flashback, there will be plenty more of them as this progresses! They'll sort of be my means of explaining the backstory here, so if you're a little confused at the moment, just hang tight, everything will eventually come together... I hope... *crosses fingers and hopes her writing skills are up to snuff*_

_So another thing I decided to explore a little bit in this story is Angel's relationship with Dawn. This was a tough decision because generally I avoid writing Dawn altogether... she annoys me immensely... but I was curious as to what sort of memories Angel would have of her considering the whole she's-a-key-and-didn't-really-exist-when-he-was-in-Sunnydale thing. I also tried really, really hard to not hate on her, it was difficult, lol._

_Reviews are much appreciated! ;)_


	4. Chapter 3: Impulses

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far!

So I'm posting this now because I may not have a chance to update next weekend what with the Holidays coming up and everything, I've got a lot of family stuff that'll be going on and I don't know how much alone time I'll have to edit! In any case, if I don't update for the next couple weeks, don't worry! I haven't abandoned this, and I'll try to get on a regular schedule in the new year.

* * *

Chapter 3: Impulses

I rose from my seat, and chill ran down my spine as Buffy continued to glare at me icily.

"Ah, Buffy, erm-"

"Angel, I asked you to leave," she quietly interrupted Giles.

"I asked him to come here Buffy," Giles cut-in, rising to stand next to me.

"You what?" she asked, a look of pure disbelief on her face.

"Yes, I -"

"Can we talk, Buffy?" I interjected, I didn't want to create a rift between the two of them by having Giles explain why I was in town.

She studied me silently for a moment, I could've sworn I saw longing flicker over her features, before it was replaced with hurt, "Fine..." she murmured. She spun on her heel and pulled open the door, then turned to glance at me before stepping back out into the night.

I sighed heavily, this would be harder than I thought. "I'll be in touch Giles," I said before heading towards the door.

"Of course. Thank you again, Angel." he replied before settling back down into his armchair.

I stepped outside, to find Buffy sitting on Giles' front steps, her arms wrapped around her knees.

I sunk down onto the stone next to her, but she didn't even turn to look at me. Sitting a foot apart from each other, the silence was thicker than it had been in Giles' living room.

"So?" she whispered finally, "What's the deal then?"

"I wasn't trying to hide from you," I explained, "I only arrived last night. I was going to come tell you I was here tonight, but I ran into Spike, and-"

"That still doesn't explain why you can't stick with the plan." she cut-in.

"Sorry?" I asked, confused.

"Our plan? To stay away from each other unless we needed the other's help?"

My stomach twisted painfully in guilt, I'd spent so many years fixating on her death that I'd forgotten about that conversation, but the fragments were piecing themselves back together now, the jagged edges tearing more holes in my already tattered heart.

"I'm only here because Giles called me." I explained, "He's worried about you Buffy, he's been noticing things."

She bowed her head, and her shining golden hair fell into her face, obscuring it from my view, "He's Giles, he notices everything." she muttered.

"Dawn's started to notice too." I added. I knew mentioning her sister would pull her out of this.

I was right, and her head snapped back towards me. Her hazel eyes were open wide and round in concern, "Dawn?" she asked, "What did Dawn say?"

It was unnerving, having such a casual conversation with her; with her completely oblivious to what had befallen her. If I had been a living creature I'm sure I would have been hyperventilating in this moment. I turned away from her, and clasped my hands together tightly, willing myself to think of anything other than taking her in my arms and burying my face in her hair as I sobbed.

"I bumped into her on the way here," I retold, "She's not a kid anymore Buffy, she's more observant than you think. She knows you're hiding something,"

I glanced and her out of the corner of my eye, in time to see her frown. It vanished almost as quickly as it had appeared, and her face was once more a mask of indifference. The one I could assume she'd been wearing for most of the past two months, "So Giles got you involved because...?"

"You know why," I muttered, finally letting myself look back towards her. My expression was pointed, and after a few moments of staring at me, her eyes fell back to the ground and she turned away looking ashamed. "You need to tell them you weren't in Hell." I said gently.

"I can't." she stated flatly, "You know I can't."

"Why not?" I argued, "What's the worst that could happen?"

"They would all pity me!" her voice rose, but only slightly. Discussing her time in Heaven was the only time I seemed to get any sort of emotional rise out of her. "And the guilt would tear them apart..." she added in no more than a whisper.

"You need to give them more credit. They went through all the trouble to bring you back, why-"

"That's exactly why." she interrupted, "They went through the trouble... and for what? To save me from someplace I didn't need to be saved from? I won't let them think that what they did was for nothing."

I sighed, clearly I wasn't getting through to her, "If you won't talk to them... then I'm sticking around, you're going to have to talk to someone."

She scowled at me, it was an expression I hadn't seen on her face since I'd accidentally beaten the pulp out of that sorry excuse of a boyfriend she'd had her first year in University, but it melted away as I held my gaze on her steadily. She knew I was serious, and that she wouldn't be able to talk me out of this.

As silence enveloped us again, she began to look uneasy, she turned away from me to stare across the street. She looked as though she were reminiscing, remembering something she'd rather forget. I had an inkling of what it could be.

"Fine." she sighed, "But you're only staying long enough to make everyone think you're helping me."

"What if I actually do help you?" I asked, a slight smirk twitched at the corners of my mouth.

She sighed again, "I think I'm beyond helping." she rose from the steps, and turned back towards the door, "Meet me at the Magic Box tomorrow night, we'll patrol together, it'll be the least suspicious thing we could do."

I climbed to my feet, turning to gaze at her one last time, "Alright."

With a nod, she crossed to Giles' front door, and disappeared back inside.

As I watched her go, anxiety began to creep up inside me again. Though it was completely irrational at this point, I felt as though I never wanted to let her out of my sight. I needed to be with her every moment of every day, protecting her, keeping her from Death's clutches...

Taking an unnecessary breath to calm myself, I descended the rest of the steps, and strode in the direction of the mansion. As my footfalls took me further and further away from Giles' home, and Buffy who sat safely within, my thoughts fell back to the conversation that although I had forgotten until moments ago, was now consuming my mind...

~0~

_Halfway between Sunnydale and Los Angeles, was a relatively deserted stretch of coastline. It was up a cliff, and heavily forested. There had been reports of strange attacks occurring out there late at night, I always thought one had to be completely out of their mind to __go wandering the woods alone in the dark, in such close proximity to a Hellmouth, but I often forgot that not everyone was as well versed in the paranormal as I was. _

_ Despite this fact, the seclusion of the area had made it an ideal place to meet up with Buffy. _

_ I found myself growing more and more nervous as I stepped deeper and deeper into the woods; I'd been fine until I pulled into a small nearby clearing, and discovered the black SUV that formerly belonged to Joyce Summers already parked there. I had been anxious on the drive over, yes, but it hadn't really hit me until I stopped driving what was happening._

_ I was going to see Buffy._

_ The only woman I'd loved in all my existence. The woman whom up until a few days ago had been dead and buried, while I shirked my duties and ran away to mourn in solitude._

_ I was afraid, I'd realized, afraid that something would have changed her. From what Willow had told me of the circumstances surrounding her death, they had all believed she'd been trapped in a Hell dimension. It destroyed me to think of her trapped somewhere, suffering; she was the last person on earth that deserved such a fate. It terrified me now to think of what kind of psychological or emotional scars the experience may have left on her. _

_ I had no more time to dwell on my fears, as I could slightly see the edge of a clearing through the trees, and the sound of waves crashing against the bottom of the cliffs filled my ears. As I stepped out of the last row of trees and into the brush that covered the edge of the cliff, I finally saw her. She sat on a picnic blanket, her arms hugging her knees tightly, her knees pulled under her chin as she stared out at the ocean. Hearing my footsteps she turned around, her long blonde tresses blowing slightly in the breeze..._

_ Her eyes blank._

_ This was not the reunion I had been anticipating in my mind._

_ "Hi..." she said softly._

_ "Hi," I answered, studying her intently, and my heart sank. I'd barely been in her presence for a minute, and I could already tell she wasn't right. I felt my heart beginning to break._

_ "Have a seat." she called, patting the blanket next to her, and turning to gaze back out at the water._

_ I did as she said, and settled down on the blanket beside her._

_ "Was traffic bad from L.A.?" she asked._

_ I cringed, I had no desire for small talk, "It was alright."_

_ We lapsed back into silence as I gazed at her while she continued to stare out at the lapping waves, "It's peaceful out here, it's nice," she murmured._

_ Before I could stop myself, my hand flew from my lap, and my fingers ran through her hair. She turned towards me, her face showing apprehension._

_ "I can't believe you're here..." I whispered. I fought to keep the tears from spilling from my eyes, I'd tried so hard to be strong, to keep fighting after she was gone because I knew it was what she'd want me to do... I wouldn't let her see me break now._

_ Guilt flashed momentarily through her eyes, and she quickly turned away. After a moment's pause, she answered, "Me neither..." her voice was quiet, controlled, like she was trying to hide something._

_ I was silent for a moment longer, unsure of what to say. Normally when Buffy and I would reunite, it felt as though we'd never been apart. We'd lapse back into conversation, old habits, so easily... I wasn't sure what to do this time._

_ "I know... I know you've probably been through a lot," I said finally, "And I know it's probably hard to talk about... But I'm here for you. Always. I want to help you get better Buffy."_

_ She grimaced, "Who says I need to get better?"_

_ I flinched, obviously a poor choice of words on my part, but I didn't understand her behaviour. She seemed so detached, and not just from me, but from the world._

_ "I'm sorry," I began, "I didn't mean... I just meant that if you need to talk to someone, I'm here."_

_ She smiled, it seemed forced, "Right. Thank you. I mean it."_

_ Silence fell between us again, and the sound of the waves and the wind echoed in my head. I didn't understand why this was so hard, why we could just speak like we normally did. I let it continue for a few minutes, though in my mind it seemed like an eternity._

_ "Buffy?" I asked quietly. I felt like I was disturbing her, she was so engrossed in the water below us, like she'd forgotten I was here._

_ "Hmm?" She answered._

_ "Do you... do you want to be alone?" _

_ "No!" she almost yelped, turning back to me, fear apparent in her eyes for the first time since I'd arrived, as her hand flew out and gripped my arm. Almost instantly, she remembered herself, and pulled her hand away, looking slightly embarrassed by her outburst._

_ "Then why don't you tell me what's wrong?" I urged gently._

_ Suddenly her blank eyes filled with torment, and she averted her gaze, focusing on picking at threads on the blanket, "I can't." she whispered._

_ "You can." I assured her, "You can tell me anything."_

_ She smiled down at her hand as she wrapped a loose thread around her finger, it was hollow, almost sardonic, "No I can't... not this,"_

_ "Buffy... I know what it's like," I began gently. Clearly she wasn't in a right state of mind, I knew I had to tread carefully, "I don't know how many different dimensions there are, or how similar they might be, but I know what you went through to some extent; if you can talk to anyone about where you were, it's me."_

_ She tugged roughly at the thread, snapping it free from the blanket, before turning back out to the water. She barely looked at me, but I could've sworn I saw tears in her eyes, "No you don't." she croaked, "You don't know what it was like."_

_ My brow furrowed in confusion and worry. She was acting so strangely, I didn't understand what was happening to her, "I don't understand Buffy, what do you mean?" I placed my hand comfortingly on her back, and I felt her entire body shudder before she finally turned back to me. The tears I thought I'd seen shining in her eyes were now spilling down her cheeks._

_ She peered up at me, and began to shake her head, "I didn't want you to ever find out... I didn't want to talk to you about this... I can't..." a shaky breath caught in her throat, "I almost turned around once I was halfway here, I didn't want you to know..." she rambled, returning her gaze to the ground._

_ "Buffy, Buffy!" I soothed, hooking my finger under her chin and forcing her to look back up at me, "Didn't want me to know about what?" I pressed, "Please, you're scaring me."_

_ As she stared up at me, I could see her resolve slowly crumbling away. Her lip quivered before she spoke; "They didn't pull me out of Hell." she said, before averting her gaze once more._

_ I waited for her to continue; I didn't know what she was trying to tell me, if she wasn't in Hell then..._

_ "I think I was in Heaven." she finished._

_ Reality finally came crashing down around me; her strange behaviour, her reluctance to talk to me, about what she'd been through, I felt like there was suddenly a weight on my chest, crushing my heart._

_ "I'm not sure if it actually was Heaven, but I was at peace, I felt elated... I don't really know what else to call it." she elaborated as she looked back up at me. Suddenly her expression crumbled again, and she turned away once more, "This is why I didn't want to tell you, I didn't want you to look at me like that."_

_ I tried my best to change my expression, but I was sure no matter what I did, I could not erase the horror that she saw there. I suddenly felt ashamed of myself for thinking that Buffy could possibly end up in Hell, it wouldn't be right for a Warrior like her to end up suffering for all eternity. I felt even more ashamed at the fact that I'd felt relief that she was once more amongst the living._

_ "Say something," she whispered._

_ "I don't know what to say." I muttered._

_ She grimaced again, "None of them know."_

_ "What?"_

_ She turned back to the water, "I can't tell them. I can't bring myself to after what they think they did for me... it would destroy them."_

_ I studied her silently as pity began to grow in my chest. Of course she wouldn't tell any of her friends, even when she needed someone to lean on, she was always protecting everyone else._

_ "It's funny, once I saw you step through the trees, I knew I was going to end up telling you," she confessed, as she wiped at her face with the back of her hand and sighed, "This is the first time I've let myself cry since I came back... I was afraid if I started, I'd never stop."_

_ My mind was still reeling; she'd been in Heaven... released from her duties, free from the pain of this world, free from the torment, and the hardships, and the many horrible battles she had to face on a daily basis._

_ And then she'd been dragged back._

_ "At first I thought this was Hell... I thought I'd done something wrong. I thought clawing my way out of my own grave was some sort of torture..." she ran her fingers over the knuckles on her opposite hand, it was only then that I noticed the faint scars that marred them and I shuddered in horror. I remembered how traumatizing it had been trying to break through the lid of my coffin, to dig my way up through the dirt._

_ "But then Dawn found me... and I knew Dawn couldn't be in Hell... so..." she trailed off, and seemed lost again. I don't really think she quite knew what to say next, and neither did I, so I did the only thing I could think of doing; I reached out, and pulled her closer to me, wrapping her in my arms. _

_ She stiffened slightly at first, and resisted, but after a mere moment relaxed, and tucked her head underneath my chin. I gently stroked her back as I heard a small sob hitch in her throat, and then she was quiet again. _

_ We stayed curled like that for what seemed like forever, it was strange how even after all these years, after everything we'd been through, that we could still melt into each other's touch and find solace when we needed it. I knew nothing I could say would ease the pain she was feeling, but holding her, comforting her, I felt as though I could will all of her suffering to seep out of her body and into my own. I would gladly take on her burden if it meant she could walk away from here the Buffy I used to know, and not the broken shell currently hiding in my embrace._

_ Finally she stirred, and turned to look up at me. There was a confused look on her face as she reached up and lightly traced her finger along my jawline._

_ "What is it?" I asked her quietly, slightly taken aback by her touch._

_ "You know I wasn't even happy to see her?" she asked._

_ "Who?"_

_ "Dawn. I didn't even care that she was alright... same with Xander, or Willow, or Giles, or anyone... isn't that terrible of me?" she whispered._

_ "No. Buffy, what happened to you... I'm sure anyone would feel the same way."_

_ "Then why do I actually feel content right now?" she brushed her hand over my cheek again._

_ I sucked in an unnecessary breath, and I started to realize how close our bodies were._

_ "Buffy..." I whispered._

_ She shifted positions, so we were eye-to-eye, "This is the first time since I woke up that I haven't been wishing I could go back."_

_ Tears sprang to my eyes as her statement hit me, she must have noticed them too because her eyes were suddenly shimmering with them as well. "Don't say things like that..." I begged. I couldn't deal with the pain of losing her a second time, not after hearing all of this._

_ Suddenly, without warning, our lips were crushed together, I wrapped my arms around her, pressing her tiny frame to my body as closely as I could. She worked her fingers into my hair, caressing the back of my head, and we were suddenly sinking down onto the blanket as our dark thoughts were erased by the others touch..._

_ As though we'd both been brought back to our senses at the same moment, we abruptly pulled apart, and stared at each other in confusion. Almost in horror, Buffy pushed me off of her, and scrambled off the blanket. She backed away from me with an expression akin to a frightened deer._

_ My attention flickered behind her, she was stepping slowly backwards, towards the cliff._

_ "Buffy stop..." I stammered._

_ "Wait..." she panted._

_ I jumped to my feet,"Buffy... the cliff..."_

_ She stopped walking, but held out her hands in front of herself, palms out, fingers open, as though she were warning me not to come any closer. "Angel please," she murmured._

_ I balled my fists at my sides, she was fragile right now, what had we done? "I'm sorry... I don't know what happened."_

_ "I don't either," she answered shakily._

_ It was my turn to gaze at the ground, "It shouldn't have happened."_

_ I looked back up at her. She was staring intently at the ground as well now, her brow creased with worry and confusion, and something else I couldn't quite classify. It was a mix of longing, regret, frustration, she sighed heavily, "No, it shouldn't have," she looked back up at me, and her eyes were filled with tears again, "So maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore."_

_ On top of all the other revelations this evening, this was the crowning blow. My heart was screaming in my chest; I'd only just gotten her back, but then again, I couldn't have expected to be able to keep her. "No," I agreed, "Maybe we shouldn't." all I could think of was staying by her side, protecting her, helping her through this mess, but if we slipped again... I couldn't add Angelus to her burden. Perhaps it would be helping to stay away._

_ If possible, Buffy looked more crestfallen, "Okay. So that's it then..."_

_ I panicked, to never see Buffy again would be worse than any torture, the odd meetings I had with her were what revitalized me, gave me the strength to continue fighting, "Maybe we should stay in touch if something bad happens... if we need help in battle."_

_ She nodded, "That makes sense." she agreed, "But only if we need help."_

_ "Right." I nodded._

_ With her jaw set in determination, she walked back towards me, and retrieved the blanket from the ground. Turning away, she began to fold it, brushing away bits of grass that were stuck to it as she went. I stood there, watching her as she worked, unable to believe I'd both gotten my love back and lost her again all in one night. _

_ When she was done, she turned back towards me, her haunted eyes bearing holes through my soul, until the hurt in them gradually faded, and the blank stare I was greeted with earlier that evening was once more on her face. "Goodbye, Angel." she said._

_ The pain of having her stare at me with such a look was too much to bear. I turned away, "Goodbye Buffy," I whispered, as I stared out over the water below. _

_ I didn't turn around again until the crunching of her footsteps over the brush had faded away, and all I was left with were the crashing waves and my raging thoughts to keep me company._

~0~

Reminiscing now, it was no wonder Buffy wanted nothing to do with me. When she'd needed nothing more than an ear to listen to her troubles, I'd gone and created more confusion in her life. I had a feeling that I would be spending the next five months trying to rebuild her trust in me, and providing Buffy's stubborn nature hadn't been compromised, it wouldn't be easy.

I finally reached the mansion, and wandering into my bedroom, I kicked off my shoes and fell into the bed, I was out of touch with humanity, out of practice with interacting with other beings, it had been a rough day, and I needed to rest.

~0~

_So the flashback here is my interpretation of what happened during the offscreen meeting Buffy and Angel had after "Flooded". I was trying to figure out what could have happened to make them react the way they did when they returned to their respective shows, yet try to keep it relevant to this new universe I'm creating here. A lot of the general ideas I took from a one-shot I wrote a long while ago and never got around to posting because once I started writing this I thought I could use the same concepts in this scene, and didn't want to seem repetitive. _

_Anyway, I know I'm setting up a lot of tension, and I know Buffy is being pretty b*tchy, but I figure given the circumstances both characters would be pretty off-centre, and you can't have a good story without conflict! For anyone who hasn't read my other stories; nobody gets what they want easily, I make my characters work for their rewards! ;)_

_Reviews are much appreciated!_


	5. Chapter 4: Secrets

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Hope everyone enjoyed the holidays! Thanks to everyone who took the time to review, and here's the next chapter!

* * *

Chapter 4: Secrets

_"It's too late Angel, they've already opened the scroll! There's nothing we can do to reverse this." Wesley argued, slamming another heavy tome closed and rising from my desk chair._

_ "There has to be something. Keep reading." I growled, as I paced my office like a caged tiger. This was bad, possibly the worst apocalyptic scenario we'd been faced with, I needed a plan... scratch that, I needed a veritable army to take down what Wolfram & Hart had just unleashed on the earth._

_ "He's right Wes," Cordelia agreed weakly, "There must be something somewhere..." it sounded like she was more trying to convince herself than she was Wesley._

_ "I don't know you guys, this is lookin' pretty bleak." Gunn piped in, "If it were up to me, I'd get the hell out of here while we still can."_

_ "What about everyone else in L.A.? We just throw them to the wolves?" Cordelia retorted._

_ "Cordy's right, Gunn," I agreed, "Running won't fix this, if anything it'll just spread. We need to stop this, and we need to do it now."_

_ Wesley sighed, "But we can't, I've told you already-"_

_ "Keep looking!" I ordered, before stalking out of the office in exasperation. _

_ I didn't understand how this could've happened, how Wolfram & Hart had managed to keep it under wraps for so long without us noticing. There were always clues, always something to give us warning and enough time to come up with a counter-attack; but this time we'd been blindsided, and in a bad way._

_ I was so wrapped up in my thoughts as I strode through the lobby, that I didn't even notice her standing on the steps inside the doorway._

_ "Knock-knock." she called._

_ I looked towards her, and stopped in my tracks. It had been five months since I'd seen her last, since I'd gone to Sunnydale on Giles' request, but turned around and ran as soon as she found me out._

_ "Buffy..." I muttered in shock._

_ A wry half-smile spread across her face. She looked tired, worn, and the haunted look in her eyes still prevailed. "So, I hear you're having an apocalypse and you didn't invite me."_

_ "I thought of calling you, but..." I trailed off as I walked towards her, I had no 'but', I was just afraid of seeing her the way she was now._

_ "The deal was we call if we need the others' help, right?" she asked._

_ "Yeah. I'm sorry." I apologized._

_ "No biggie. The -"_

_ "Angel?! Wesley wants to-" Cordelia's voice echoed through the lobby of the hotel as she hurried out of the back office. I heard her heels skid to a halt somewhere behind me, "Buffy." she stated in surprise._

_ There was a flash of recognition that crossed Buffy's face, I'm sure she thought I didn't notice, "Hi Cordy," she greeted._

_ "How did you find out what was happening?" I asked, cutting in._

_ Buffy shot another look to Cordelia, "I-um, It's all over the news. I was worried, since I didn't hear from you... so here I am."_

_ "Communication has been down over most of the city for the past week, we don't even really know what's going on out there." Cordelia explained hurriedly._

_ Buffy nodded while staring pointedly at Cordelia, "What do you guys know?" she asked._

_ "Not a whole lot," I sighed, "You want to come back in the office? We're talking, we can fill you in."_

_ "Sure, I'll just go get the others out of the car. I told them to wait just incase..." she trailed off, looking a little frightened, "Incase it wasn't safe in here." she finished quietly._

_ "No problem, We'll be in the back." I replied._

_ She nodded, then spun on her heel and took a step towards the door._

_ "Buffy?" I called, stopping her in her tracks._

_ She turned back towards me, an inquisitive look on her face._

_ "Thanks for coming, you really didn't have to."_

_ She smiled sadly, "I wouldn't feel right letting you fight something like this on your own," she answered, then disappeared out the door._

~0~

My eyes snapped open at the shrill sound of a phone ringing, I sat up, and looked around the main room of the mansion, the sound seemed to be coming from the pocket of my duster, that lay over the back of the sofa. I stood, and crossed over to it, and after some rifling around, pulled out a small cell phone. I flipped it open, "Hello?"

"Angel?" came Cordelia's voice from the other end of the line.

I found myself smiling at the sound, it was one I thought I would never hear again, "Hi Cordelia," I replied, trying my best to keep my emotions in check.

"How is everything over there?" she asked.

I sighed, "It's hard to tell."

She snorted, "I'll take that as a 'not so good'," her tone changed suddenly, "How's Buffy?"

The compassion in her voice still shocked me. Only two years ago I could have never imagined Cordelia Chase asking about Buffy's well-being with such concern, it made me regret that I would have to tell her I wasn't going to be heading back to L.A. anytime soon. I'd grown to consider her a close friend, and I missed her.

"She's managing..." I divulged.

"That bad, huh?"

"How's everything back there?" I asked, changing the topic. I'd spent the last twenty-four hours ruminating about Buffy's current state, I needed a short escape from the torment.

"Oh! We're doing fine! It's been pretty quiet actually, no skull-splitting migraines or ugly demons to speak of!"

"Good, that's good..." I mused.

The other end of the line went silent for a moment.

"Uh-oh," I heard Cordelia sigh.

"What?" I asked.

"You sound distracted... I mean, you're in Sunnydale, with Buffy, so you're bound to be distracted, but this sounds like bad distracted." she rambled.

I grinned, "I'm that transparent am I?"

"I know you better than you think," she chuckled, "So out with it, what's the deal?"

I paused, I knew she wouldn't be happy about this, "I think I'm going to be staying here for awhile," I divulged, "Buffy could really use the help, she's still re-adjusting and -"

"You don't need to explain Angel," Cordelia interrupted.

"I'm really sorry Cordy, it's just -"

"Angel!" she shouted in exasperation.

I stopped talking.

"I get it," she continued, "You explained to us all what Giles told you on the phone. I can't even imagine what Buffy's been through, and now instead of getting better she has to guard a Hellmouth and save the world! Stay. Help her."

I felt a mix of relief and guilt, I was so thankful that Cordelia had become so understanding, but I couldn't help feeling uneasy at the prospect of leaving my team to fend for themselves for an undetermined amount of time, "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely," she replied, "We can manage without you, remember?" I frowned, knowing she was referring to my temporary decent into insanity when Darla had surfaced the year prior, "And if anything we really can't handle comes crashing down on us, we know where to find you."

I sighed, "You're a life saver Cordy,"

"I know." she chuckled, "Just remember that you owe me one," she teased.

I grinned, "I think I owe you about twenty by now."

"Probably, but who's counting, right?"

I shook my head, this was a completely different woman than the one that had gone to high school with Buffy. "You promise you'll call if you need me?" I asked. Thinking of her, Wesley, and Gunn on their own, especially with Wolfram & Hart so hell-bent on making my life miserable, was making me uneasy.

"Cross my heart." she promised.

"Alright, take care Cor,"

"You too Angel, and take whatever time you need... but be reasonable, we have a business to run you know!"

And the call ended.

With a sigh, I shook my head and slipped the phone back into my coat pocket as I turned around to lean on the back of the couch. I stared down at the floor in front of me. It turned out that a century of living without human-comforts had in fact taken its toll on me. I'd tried falling asleep in my bed, but found it too soft, it felt unnatural after having to get rest whenever and wherever I could. I'd moved afterwards to the couch, and still had no luck, before finally retiring to the floor in front of the fireplace. I'd have to try and remedy that, I didn't want any strange behaviour causing people to question me. The less unneeded attention I received, the better.

I pushed myself to my feet, and turned to head back towards the bedroom when I discovered someone standing next to me. I jumped back, ready to strike, when I realized it was Doyle.

"Heya Big Guy!" he greeted.

I dropped my fists to my sides, "Jesus Doyle..."

"Sorry Pal, I'm still not used to this." he apologized.

"And I'm used to having to fight for survival every day. Feel lucky that you're incorporeal, or I may have ripped your head off." I growled.

Doyle grinned then sighed, "See, this is why I'm here!"

I frowned at him, "What do you mean?"

"You're gettin' all grumpy and broody. We can't have you all worked up all the time."

"I thought you were supposed to be 'cheering from the sidelines'" I asked.

"I was. But then I thought maybe it would do ye some good to have someone to talk to honestly." he explained.

"I'm fine." I answered gruffly.

"Now ye sound like Buffy." Doyle chuckled.

I glared at him, before crossing to the bedroom to change my clothes.

"I've seen everything the two of ye have been through Angel, I know how hard it's going to be to get through to her again." he began as he followed me.

"And?" I sighed. Hearing the words come out of someone else's mouth – even if they were just an apparition was even more discouraging than just thinking them.

"And I thought maybe it would be good for ye to have someone around for moral support, yeah?"

I studied Doyle silently, his expression was hopeful, understanding. I remembered how easy it had been talking to him, maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing to have someone to vent to, I certainly had been alone for a very long time.

"Thank you." I replied simply.

"Excellent!" he cheered, "So, what's the plan so far?!" he asked, rubbing his hands together in excitement.

"I'm not really sure," I sighed as I pulled a shirt over my head, "I'm patrolling with her tonight... she doesn't really trust me anymore, so I can't do much other than that."

Doyle smiled sadly, "I know it looks bleak, but just remember this;" he began, "You two are more similar than you realize."

"How so?" I asked.

"Neither one of you will admit that you need only one thing to get you both back on the right track." he explained.

"And what might that be?" I sighed.

"Each other," he answered, and then he was gone.

I blinked at the empty space where Doyle had just stood as a sense of longing filled my soul. If only it were that simple, that in just admitting that we needed to be with each other, Buffy and I could erase all of our problems, our past, and be happy.

It would never be that simple. We would be doomed to forever keep each other at arms length; coming together when we needed saving, or a comforting shoulder to lean on, and then walking away before it could go any further and torture us any more.

I'd forgotten the walking away part last time we'd met.

With a sigh, I wandered back into the main room to peruse the bookshelf, I still had a few hours to kill before meeting Buffy for patrol.

~0~

Shortly after the sun had set, I found myself standing outside the door to the Magic Box apprehensively. I wasn't sure who would be inside, and I wasn't sure I wanted to talk with them.

Though I had essentially run into all of Buffy's friends the night before, I wasn't sure I could handle all of them together, especially given my current state of mind. What if they noticed something off about me? I scoffed slightly at my own thoughts; if they couldn't even see that Buffy was acting out of sorts, why would they be able to tell that I was? Steeling myself, I pushed open the door as the bell tinkled over my head, announcing my arrival. As I stepped inside, a quiet conversation stopped mid-sentence, and six pairs of eyes fell on me. All huddled around a large round table, Giles, Willow, Anya, Xander, Dawn, and Tara all stared at me with varying expressions of shock, confusion and discomfort. Dawn was the only one with a smile on her face.

"Hi Angel!" she greeted enthusiastically.

"Hi... Dawn." I acknowledged quietly, stepping hesitantly towards the table.

"Buffy's not here. Did you check at her place?" Anya asked brashly.

"Um, actually she told me to meet her here." I explained.

"Oh... in that case would you like to purchase something while you wait?!" She asked with a large grin, as she jumped up from her seat.

I couldn't help but smile back at her, "No thank you, I-"

"You don't want his money An," Xander huffed.

"Xander!" Dawn scolded.

I turned my attention to him. He sat slumped over in his chair, his arms crossed over his chest as he glared up at me.

"If it's American currency then I'd want it just the same as anyone else's." Anya argued.

Xander ignored her, "Buffy actually talked to you?"

"Buffy can talk to who she wants Xander!" Dawn interrupted angrily, "Did you guys make up?!" she asked brightly.

"Um, sort of..." I offered uncomfortably.

She grinned, but Xander continued to sneer at me.

"Oh! Angel! You haven't met Tara yet!" Willow exclaimed suddenly, in an attempt to break the tension, "This is my girlfriend, Tara. Tara, this is Angel, Buffy's... um..."

"Ex." Xander jumped in a little too enthusiastically, "He's Buffy's _ex_."

Willow turned to glare sternly at Xander, who simply shrugged at her.

"It's alright, Willow. It's what I am." I answered, not looking to give Xander any more fodder, "Nice to meet you," I said to Tara. After everything that had occurred, I'd forgotten that I'd yet to meet her at this point.

The quiet blonde smiled shyly at me, but cast her eyes downward to the tabletop before speaking, "You too." she said quietly.

"So what are you meeting Buffy for?" Dawn asked anxiously.

"We're just going to patrol." I replied.

"Patrol for what?" Xander snorted.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"Xander you're being rude!" Anya whispered under her breath.

"Ah, I think what Xander means," Giles cut in finally, casting a warning glare in Xander's direction, "Is that it's been uncharacteristically quiet around here lately."

"Really?" I asked, "Do you think there's a reason behind it?" I couldn't help feeling a little worried, the last thing Buffy needed right now was a villain to start causing trouble in Sunnydale.

"We have a few theories, yes." Giles stammered, the worried expression he'd had on his face the evening before returned, "Perhaps we could speak about them later."

I nodded, positive that it was something to do with Buffy that he didn't want the others to know.

"Why not talk about it now?" Xander asked abruptly.

"Xander..." Willow hissed.

"What? Dead-Boy's not allowed to know that all the creepy-crawlies in town are running scared?!"

"Running scared from what?" I asked.

"Buffy. They're scared of Buffy," Dawn whispered.

The disgruntled look on Xander's face suddenly drained away as he took note of Dawn's discomfort, and instead was replaced by one of embarrassment. Anya slapped him across the chest.

Dawn was clutching her pencil with excessive force as she looked up at me, her expression was desperate, "No one wants to mess with a Slayer that can beat death." she joked morosely, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go finish my stupid math homework in Buffy's training room."

She stood, throwing her backpack over her shoulder, before picking up a large textbook that was sitting in front of her on the table and disappearing into a back room.

"Nicely done Xander." Giles sighed.

Xander simply opened and closed his mouth a few times in a very fish-like manner before resigning to remain silent.

"Seriously. Not even I'm that blunt or tactless." Anya grumbled.

"Sorry," Xander muttered, not meeting anyone's eyes.

I looked around the room at the people I'd spent three years fighting alongside, they all looked uncomfortable, stretched to their limits, afraid of stepping on the other's toes. What had happened to the united and determined 'Scooby Gang' that had fought behind Buffy and supported her through her troubles?

Tara finally stood from the table, straightening her long skirt, "Um, I think I'll go talk to Dawnie..." she said quietly, her large blue eyes shot towards me, and she smiled sheepishly again, "It was nice to finally meet you Angel," she added quietly.

"You too Tara." I replied, trying to smile amicably.

She hurried off after Dawn, and the room fell silent once more.

"Right, well, I think it'd be better if I waited for Buffy outside," I sighed, turning back towards the door. I felt guilty for upsetting Dawn, and was in no mood to be the cause of any other awkward exchanges.

"No! You don't have to do that Angel!" Willow exclaimed, wringing her hands together nervously, "I could put a silencing charm on Xander if you want," she grinned.

I suppressed my urge to grin back at her, after taking note of the sour look on Xander's face.

"How... how's everything in L.A.?" she asked.

I opened my mouth to answer, when the bell above the shop door chimed again. We all diverted our gaze to the door as Buffy strode in. She locked eyes with me, and nodded before turning back to the others sitting around the table. With a frown, she took note of everyone who was there, "Where's Dawn?" she asked.

"She's in the back with Tara," Giles assured her.

She nodded, then turned back to me, "I'm just gonna go check on her, I'll be right back."

"Sure," I replied, as she disappeared into the back room both Dawn and Tara had entered earlier.

The awkward silence fell once more.

"So, you know Spike's been hanging around?" Xander asked.

Willow groaned and sunk into a chair.

"Yes, actually. I ran into him the other night." I answered through gritted teeth. I had to give Xander credit, he was definitely determined.

"You should keep an eye on him while you're here, I think he's got a thing for Buffy,"

Laughter bubbled up inside me, I couldn't help it. The others stared at me as though I'd grown another head. This wasn't L.A., Buffy's friends had never seen anything other than my dark and tormented side, "Sorry," I muttered, then cleared my throat.

Xander didn't have time to answer, as the door to the back room swung open and Buffy stormed out.

"I hate you sometimes! Do you know that?!" I heard Dawn shriek from inside before the door slammed shut.

"Let's go then?" Buffy asked as she breezed past me towards the door.

"Um... alright," I stammered before turning to follow her.

"See you later Angel! Be careful Buffy!" Willow called.

I glanced behind me at the group crowded around the table and nodded in their direction, Buffy didn't even turn to acknowledge them as she stalked out into the night.

~0~

The walk over to Restfield passed in silence. I wanted desperately to engage Buffy in conversation, but the troubled and faraway look on her face kept me from doing so. I thought perhaps it would be best to let her simmer for awhile, before trying to pry into what had caused Dawn's outburst back at the Magic Box.

As we entered the gates of the cemetery, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, and a shiver ran up my spine. A hundred times I'd walked through these gates, watching them weather and fall, as I returned faithfully every year to visit Buffy's grave. To walk through it now, with her beside me, felt strange and foreign... yet filled me with a sense of nostalgia as well. It had been years, even excluding the time I'd spent in this Hell on Earth, since we'd patrolled together. It reminded me of simpler, more innocent times, when we'd used slaying as an excuse to sneak kisses under the stars.

"You just don't know when to shut up do you?" Buffy's voice cut into my thoughts.

I turned to look down at her; there was a slight grin on her face, she was teasing me. It warmed my heart a little that she still had her wit.

I returned the smile, "You seemed preoccupied," I stated simply.

"I'm always preoccupied," she answered, "If you wait for me to stop you'll never be able to solve my problems."

My smile slowly vanished as the acidic tone returned to her voice. It was going to be slow and painful, getting her to trust me again.

"How have you been holding up over here?" I asked. A simple, harmless question, one I hadn't asked her in our last few conversations.

"Well, I'm swimming in debt while the house falls apart around me, and trying to raise a temperamental teenage sister on my own, while trying to appease my friends and save the world... so the usual I guess." she chuckled darkly.

The brutal truth was hard to digest. Last time I hadn't found out about Buffy's financial troubles until after she was gone, Willow had told me she had been too ashamed to say anything to me, however I knew first hand how fighting the forces of evil didn't leave much time for any sort of career... unless you somehow managed to turn it into one.

"If you need help financially Buffy, I-"

"No." she cut me off, "I'll... I'll figure something out. I'll get a demeaning minimum wage job if I have to, but I'm not taking your money."

"It's not a problem Buffy, I've got more than enough,"

"No." she stated again, even more firmly. After a short pause she sighed, "Thank you for offering, really, but I want to do this on my own."

I nodded, and we lapsed back into silence.

Giles and Xander had been right, the cemetery was eerily quiet and void of vampiric activity. In fact, in my two nights here, I hadn't seen a single thing amiss; it was as though Sunnydale had been transformed into a suburban paradise overnight. I might have been more worried about it if I hadn't already know what troubles were lurking in the near future. "It really is quiet out here..." I muttered.

"It's been like this since..." she trailed off, "You know."

I didn't reply.

"It's funny, at first I was kind of happy about it, less work for me right? But now I'm just starting to worry that I'm going to get rusty," she said.

"We could start training like we used to," I offered before realizing what I'd said. I remembered how often our old sparring matches would end in near make-out sessions, it was probably a terrible idea, but it was too late to take it back now, "That is if you want..." I added feebly.

"I'll think about it," Buffy mused after a pause.

Suddenly, the faint sound of humming interrupted our broken conversation. It was coming from a dark hollow of trees a few paces in front of us. Slowly, I pulled a stake from my jacket pocket, and turned to glance at Buffy; however she looked completely un-phased, and simply crossed her arms in front of her and waited.

Gradually, from within the shadows, Spike emerged. His head was down, and his hands shoved deep into his duster pockets as he sauntered towards us.

"_Little doll I can't forget... smoking on a cigarette... in my life a real queen, prettier thing I ever seen..._" his singing trailed off as he looked up and finally noticed us ahead of him, he chuckled, "Do mine own eyes deceive me?!"

"Keep walking Spike," Buffy sighed.

"Have I stepped into a time-warp? Or are Peaches and you actually patrolling together!?

"I'm not in the mood for your colour commentary Spike," Buffy grumbled.

"You haven't been in the mood for much lately," Spike retorted, shooting Buffy a knowing glance. I wondered what he meant, but was afraid to pry further, "Maybe Angel-dearest can help remedy that..."

A growl rumbled in my chest before I could suppress it. I knew Spike had been helping them for the past two years, I knew he continued to help after Buffy was gone, but I still didn't trust him... His obsessive tendencies aside, Spike was a creature of opportunity, he would do whatever he could to save his own skin; and that included befriending a Slayer. Spike turned to me, an amused grin spread over his face as he cocked an eyebrow.

"Spike, how about you make yourself useful and go walk Dawn home from the Magic Box?" Buffy snipped.

With a mischievous grin still plastered on his face, he looked between the two of us, then nodded, "I get it, the two of you want to be alone. Well, I wouldn't want to impose... make a third wheel of myself and whatnot... so yes, I'll go take care of the Li'l Bit." he chuckled as he finally began to move away, "But I'm keepin' a tally Ducks! You're goin' to owe me!"

Buffy rolled her eyes, but Spike was already behind her and unable to see.

After taking a moment to recollect our thoughts, we continued deeper into the cemetery.

"So... Spike's still hanging around a lot then?" I asked uneasily.

"Yeah, apparently he spent a lot of time looking out for Dawn while I was... away." she explained, "Sometimes I think she likes him better than me," she added wryly.

"She's just being a teenager," I consoled her, "... but you trust him with Dawn?" I asked hesitantly.

Buffy shrugged, "Sure. I mean, it's not like he can hurt her... and even if he tried I'm sure Dawn would tear him a new one..." the look on her face changed slightly, instead of being mostly blank and somewhat angry, she looked slightly sympathetic, "I don't know... he stuck around and helped out after I was gone even though he didn't have to, and even though no one really wanted him there... I can't really boot him out into the cold after that can I?"

I smiled sadly, I guess Buffy was thankful for help in whatever form it came in right now. I thought back to how devastated Dawn had been when Spike was killed, I supposed he could be kind hearted when he wanted to be. He'd certainly doted on Drusilla despite her mental state. "No. I guess not," I agreed. "You know, Dawn might be a bit more sympathetic if she knew what you were going through," I offered after a slight pause.

Buffy grinned at me, "Nice try."

The silence enveloped us again, and this time it lasted much longer. I started praying for a vampire to rise simply so we would have something to distract ourselves, I strained my hearing to try and pick up anything that sounded like something scraping through the dirt, but was met only with the faint sound of crickets chirping in the dark. I cast a sidelong glance to Buffy, she was watching the ground as she walked, her brow furrowed in confusion.

"Angel?" she said finally.

"Yes?" I replied.

"Why did you come here, really?" she asked.

I frowned in confusion, "I though we discussed this last night."

"We did," she replied, "But something still just doesn't feel right."

"What do you mean?"

She grimaced, "Well, you spend the better part of the last two years telling me how we're not good for each other, we decide to stay apart, and now all of a sudden you're here trying to get me to talk about my feelings?" she rattled, "I smell ulterior motive."

I knew I could never fool Buffy. She was the only one who could always see right through me, no matter how deeply I tried to bury things, or fake that everything was alright. I wondered how long I could keep lying to her before she stopped buying my excuses.

"Just because we can't be together doesn't mean I don't care about your well-being." I answered meekly.

"Is that your version of the 'I want to stay friends' speech?" she asked sarcastically.

I stopped walking and gently took her arm, turning her to face me, "No." I told her firmly, looking her right in the eyes.

She stared back, looking a little skeptical and confused.

"Buffy, when I came back from Hell, you were there for me," I began. The pain that washed over her features as I mentioned one of the more trying moments in our past was almost too much for me to bear, but I continued nonetheless, "I know what you're experiencing is nothing like that, but I want to be there for you."

She was quiet. She looked conflicted as she mulled over what I'd said, "You know this isn't fair." she whispered.

"What isn't fair?"

"That you can just waltz back into my life and turn things upside down whenever you want."

"I don't want to turn anything upside down. Buffy, please, if you're not going to turn to your friends, let me be here for you to lean on... at least for a little bit." I begged. The thought of not being near her right now terrified me. Beyond just being able to keep tabs on her and keep her safe, I'd missed her for so long that I wasn't even thinking straight; I just wanted to be near her. "And if you really, truly want me gone, then I'll leave as soon as you tell me to."

She looked hesitant, but simply sighed, "Alright... stay. But only for a little bit." she said.

"Okay." I agreed.

She turned to continue walking, and I fell into step beside her.

Neither of us spoke for the rest of our time in the cemetery.

* * *

***The song Spike was singing is called "Little Doll" and it's originally by The Stooges, I felt like Spike would have been an Iggy Pop fan, lol.**

**I realize Xander is coming across like a dick right now, I assure you it's for a purpose and that I'm not bashing him. I'm not a fan of bashing, I think it's pointless, but I'm not going to ignore the fact that Angel and Xander have a lot of animosity towards each other, and considering this is all being told from Angel's point-of-view, I felt it was something that needed to be acknowledged. **

**This was my first attempt at writing Cordelia in awhile... I feel like her characterization is a bit spotty, and I felt like it got better as the chapters went on, but I guess I'll have to re-evaluate as I'm editing... I have a tendency to be exceptionally critical when I'm re-reading things!**

**Until next week!**

**Please review!**


	6. Chapter 5: Regrets

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Thank you to those who've taken the time to review!  
I hope everyone enjoyed their New Years, now that the holidays have passed I'm hoping I'll be able to continue to update every week... just keep your fingers crossed that I can stay on top of editing!

* * *

Chapter 5: Regrets

_The atmosphere in the Summers' home had never been darker as the last of the guests left the reception; the few people who remembered Buffy from high school, a bunch of co-workers from some place called the DoubleMeat Palace, where Buffy had apparently been working. Without any outsiders to distract us, to keep the gears turning in our heads as we attempted to fabricate lies about Buffy's passing or how we all knew her, the harsh truth was there staring us in the face. Not only was our beloved friend gone once again, but the Slayer was dead. The one person who could protect us all against what was slowly spreading across the globe._

_ Giles had attempted to contact the Council, but with Buffy deceased, and a new Slayer poised to take over, they refused to give him any information regarding her whereabouts; they didn't want someone as unorthodox as Giles to 'taint' their new warrior. Thus, not only were we left with a gaping hole in our hearts that no one could fill, but we had no way of warning anyone what was coming, or helping them when it did._

_ Standing in the doorway to the living room, I glanced around at those left behind; Willow and Tara were slumped on the couch, leaning heavily into each other for support. Anya sat on Xander's lap on the opposite sofa, his arms wrapped around her tightly as they both stared off into nothingness. Cordelia and Gunn sat beside each other on two chairs that had been brought in from the kitchen, both gazing solemnly at the floor. Cordelia turned an empty plastic cup in her hands, and chewed the inside of her cheek as she did so. I frowned at her, even despite what we were dealing with, she was acting out of character. Giles and Wesley stood beside the fireplace uncomfortably, every so often I would hear one of them recite a book title, then the other would shake their head, or mutter "I already checked that one.". Lorne was absent, though he'd wanted to be there for moral support, with other humans present, he'd decided it would probably not be the best idea for him to be there. Finally Dawn stood near the window, her arms crossed protectively over her body as she stared out into the night. Dried tears streaked her face, and her eyes were red and puffy from crying. She sniffled, and toyed with a used tissue in one of her hands._

_ It was then that I realized Spike was absent. He'd been glued to Dawn's side since the sun had gone down, and I didn't think it was like him to disappear without letting anyone know. I crossed the room to Dawn quietly, she barely acknowledged my presence._

_ "Where's Spike?" I whispered._

_ She shrugged, "Don't know."_

_ "He didn't say anything?"_

_ She shook her head, and chewed her lip as more tears began to well in her eyes. I placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, and she leaned into me, hiding her face from the rest of the group as her body began to shake with quiet sobs. _

_ It was then that bits of the others' conversation began to catch my attention._

_ "At least she won't be here to see this," Gunn said quietly._

_ "True," Anya agreed softly, "She'd seen enough destruction."_

_ Suddenly the door flew open, and Spike stumbled in with an almost empty bottle of whiskey clutched in his hand. He swayed slightly, before tripping into the doorframe of the living room, and held onto it for support._

_ The others glanced in his direction to see what the racket was, before continuing._

_ "She's at peace now," Tara whispered._

_ "Right," Willow agreed tearfully, "She's not suffering this time... we should be happy for her..."_

_ Spike's hysterical laughter shattered the quiet in the room and everyone turned to the doorway to stare at him, "Sufferin'!" he slurred, "She wasn't sufferin' last time neither!"_

_ "What are you rambling about Spike?" Xander snapped._

_ "She wouldn't tell you!" he chuckled, and paused as his eyes fell over everyone in the room before he continued, "She wouldn't tell you because she thought you all needed her to be the strong one. 'Cause you all had to lean on her all the time and she didn't want to let you all down...! You were s'posed to be her friends and she couldn't even be honest with the lot of you..."_

_ I felt the bottom of my stomach drop out as it dawned on me what he was alluding to, "Spike... stop talking." I growled. I wanted to pull him out of the room, but Dawn was still clinging to me._

_ "Sod off!" he shouted, "They need to know! They need to know what they did!" he spat, pointing towards the rest of the group with the bottle he clutched in his hand, the amber liquid sloshing around inside._

_ "What are you talking about Spike?" Willow asked tearfully._

_ Everyone in the room was staring at Spike in confusion._

_ He laughed again, "She told me... she told me but she couldn't tell you... what d'you think about that?! Good for nothin' vampire, but the Slayer can confide in me!"_

_ "Spike!" I shouted._

_ "Bloody spit it out already!" Giles snapped impatiently, his eyes burning with rage._

_ "She was so afraid... so afraid of hurtin' you all that she hurt herself instead..." he muttered drunkenly._

_ "Spike... you're scaring me..." Dawn whimpered peering over my arm._

_ Spike finally turned to her, and his face crumpled as he laid eyes on the younger Summers girl._

_ "She wasn't in Hell when you brought her back!" he sobbed, turning back to Willow, "You... you pulled her out of Heaven!"_

_ No one spoke. Tension crackled through the room as Spike's words crashed down on everyone. If possible, Willow became even more pale, and Tara moved slowly to take her hand._

_ I quickly disentangled myself from Dawn and stalked towards Spike._

_ "She was at peace! She was restin', and she didn't have to fight anymore, and then you went and pulled her out! To claw her way out of a bloody hole in the ground! To fight and feel pain and suffer all over again!" he continued as I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and began to drag him outside, "And for WHAT?!" he shouted as I wrenched the door open and forced him out, "So she can die again! And so the world can end! And we can all burn!"_

_ I slammed the door behind us as I threw him off the porch, he stumbled backwards down the stairs, and landed on his back on the walkway. _

_ "Wanker!" he muttered as I descended the steps towards him._

_ I snatched the bottle from his hand, and chucked it into the street where it shattered noisily on the pavement as I leaned down to grab him by the collar of his shirt. I punched him in the jaw, before shoving my face angrily in his._

_ "Wake up!" I roared._

_ "Sod off, you bloody tosser!" he slurred, scowling at me with bleary eyes._

_ I slapped him across the face, then grabbed him by the chin, forcing him to look at me, "You think you're the only one hurting right now?! Do you think they needed to hear that?!" I snarled, gesturing back at the house._

_ "They need to know what they did to her!" he muttered._

_ I was still leaning over him menacingly as we glared at each other, nose-to-nose, "No they don't! How dare you betray Buffy's trust!" I hissed._

_ Laughter bubbled up inside Spike's chest, but it quickly turned to sobs as tears began to stream down his face, "How dare you..." he glowered, "How dare you!" he ripped my hands violently off of his shirt and pushed me away from him before scrambling unsteadily to his feet. "How many times did you hurt her? Huh?! How many times did you break her heart, and send her retreatin' back into herself?!" he hollered, swaying precariously back and forth, "It's your fault she's gone!"_

_ "Shut up..." I warned. I felt the tears beginning to sting behind my eyes, and I'd be damned if I let Spike see me cry. _

_ "I loved her... you know," he chuckled. _

_ My stomach churned, "No you didn't."_

_ "I did. I bloody did..." he laughed again, "I didn't want to... but the way she was... I couldn't help myself... you know what I mean, don't you mate? You'd have to."_

_ "You don't deserve her." I growled._

_ "Neither did you!" he shouted, "But you got her anyway, you useless sap! You had her, and you let her go... but she couldn't let you go, and now she's gone because of it..." he sobbed. _

_ I stood there, stunned and horrified as the vampire once known as William the Bloody fell to pieces before me. I clenched my fists at my sides, I felt as though I was about to explode. How I wished I could just fall apart like Spike was, how I wished I could rage against everything and everyone that had ripped Buffy from my life, but I couldn't. I had to hold it together for her friends, and above all, for Dawn._

_ Spike was crouching on the walkway now, his face buried in his hands as he sobbed. I wanted to hate him, I wanted to tear him apart for even daring to develop feelings for my girl... but I couldn't. All I felt for the poor broken man in front of me was pity and sympathy. I knew how he felt._

_ "Go home, Spike." I sighed._

_ "I'm not bloody goin' anywhere!" he slurred between sobs._

_ "Yes you are. I'm not letting you back in there."_

_ He stood, rage burning in his eyes, and rushed at me, "You can't kick me out! I belong in there as much as you do!" he pushed me backwards, then grabbed the lapels of my coat and shook me. I grabbed him by the shoulders and steadied him._

_ "I'm not kicking you out, I'm trying to save your ass!" I shouted over his inebriated rambling._

_ He stopped shouting and glared at me._

_ "It won't do you, or anyone else any good if you walk back in there tonight. Go home, calm down... and for Christ sake, sober up." I sighed._

_ He sighed, and despite the understanding look on his face he pushed me away roughly._

_ With a nod, he wiped the tears from his face, and ran a hand through his hair, "Yeah... alright then." he turned, and took a few off-balance steps before turning back to me, "Do me a favour though, will you?" he asked._

_ I shrugged, "What?"_

_ "Look after the L'il Bit? I'm worried about her, y'know?" he said with a frown._

_ I grimaced, and cast a glance back to the window where she'd been standing earlier; it was empty. I was relieved, I didn't want her to have seen the scuffle, "I will." I promised, looking back towards Spike._

_ With a mournful nod, he turned away once more, and disappeared down the street._

_ I turned, and walked back into the house, where everyone was still sitting where they were when I'd left. Dawn was missing._

_ "Where's Dawn?" I asked._

_ "She went upstairs," Cordelia whispered._

_ Willow turned to me suddenly, she looked shaken, gaunt, her eyes were wide in horror, "I-is it true? What Spike said? Is it true?" she stammered._

_ I studied the young woman, she'd come so far from the timid bookworm she'd been six years ago. She was a powerful ally now, I wondered if telling her the truth would undo all her hard work. On the other hand, I knew she was too smart to buy a lie._

_ "Yes." I whispered._

_ A hand flew to her mouth, and her eyes filled with tears before her other hand rose to cover her entire face. Tara's arm wrapped around her and drew her closer as the young witch began to sob uncontrollably._

_ I looked away as a pang of guilt cut through my chest. My eyes turned to Gunn, then Cordelia, who studied me with a mix of pity and horror. She shook her head, and her eyes fell to the floor again. Xander looked almost catatonic, as Anya stroked his hair gently, and Giles had sunk to the floor, leaning against the wall with his head between his hands. Wesley looked to me, shocked, then turned away, rubbing a hand over his face._

_ "I'm... I'm going to go check on Dawn," I whispered, then turning from the devastated group, slowly made my way up the stairs, where the young teenager's heartbroken wails could be heard louder and louder with each step._

~0~

My eyes snapped open, and I found myself once again lying on the floor by the fireplace, staring up at the high ceilings of the mansion's main room. With a sigh, I rubbed a hand over my face, and pushed myself to a sitting position. Dreaming of Buffy's wake had left me feeling hollow. I shuddered. I would give anything to never have to re-live that evening.

"Angel." a voice said quietly from behind me.

I turned, to discover Doyle standing there once more.

"Mornin'." he greeted.

"Morning." I answered, picking myself off the ground, and stretching.

"Is there a reason why you're sleepin' on the floor?" he asked with a slight smirk.

I shot him an unamused glare, but answered nonetheless, "Haven't slept in a bed for almost a hundred years, it just doesn't feel right anymore."

He just nodded.

I watched him, waiting for him to begin rambling as he usually did, but he remained silent, his expression one of concern.

"What is it?" I asked.

"You're dreamin' aren't ya?" he asked.

I frowned, "What do you mean?"

"You're havin' dreams... dreams about things that happened _last_ time." he clarified.

I suddenly felt uneasy, if Doyle knew about my dreams, then it was probably not a good thing, "Yeah... yeah I have," I confirmed.

Doyle nodded, "Christ..." he sighed.

"What?"

He studied me for a moment, before exhaling sharply, "I don't know if I should tell ye... ye might start throwin' things at me again,"

I threw up my hands in mock surrender, "No throwing. Just tell me what you know."

It was his turn to frown, "The Powers are sending them."

I chuckled darkly, "Of course they are."

"Again, I argued against it Pal, but they don't listen to me." Doyle defended.

"I know," I sighed, "So... what's the deal?"

"They're reminders. One, because they know it's been a long time, they want to be sure ye haven't forgotten anything important, anything that could keep Buffy alive... Two," he paused, looking unsure if he should continue, "Two, they want to make sure that ye remember all the devastation that was caused by her death, they want ye to remember what you're fighting for."

I shook my head, and sunk down onto the hearth of the fireplace, "Great. Well, tell them thanks for the extra psychological torment."

Doyle crossed to sit next to me, I studied him a moment, then tried to touch his arm, my hand passed right through him. He grinned sadly and shrugged at me. "Wanna talk about it?" he asked.

I shook my head, "No, it's bad enough having to dream it."

"Yeah, I hear ya." he agreed.

I clenched my jaw, "Spike's in love with Buffy," I grumbled.

"Wanker," Doyle hissed.

I couldn't help grinning.

"She wouldn't go for 'im would she?" he asked.

I shrugged, "I don't know... they hated each other's guts while I was around... but everything seems to be so different now."

Doyle grinned mischievously, "Well, ye have been given a second chance... if ye want to, ye could just stake him before any trouble starts."

I chuckled again, "I don't think that would do anything but make Buffy and Dawn mad at me."

"Alright, alright. I was just offerin' my advice." he laughed.

"Thanks."

He rose to his feet, "If it means anything to ye, I think you and Buffy make a better couple. Hands down."

I smiled sadly, then looked up to him, but he was gone.

~0~

Buffy and I walked through the cemetery silently again. She seemed to still be reluctant to talk to me, and I was still reluctant to push her. I knew what a fragile state of mind she was in, and given the nature of the situation, I couldn't afford to waste time trying to repair any further damage to our fractured relationship. From what I'd observed so far, she was awkward and distant with her friends, with Dawn, but she was even more so with me. It made me wonder if perhaps she just didn't have the strength to tell me she didn't want me there, or if we'd simply grown that far apart. Was the way I'd remembered us being really just a lie I'd created for myself? Something I'd fabricated over the decades so I could keep going?

I looked down at her, she scanned the cemetery quietly, a stake twirling in her hand as she ignored me. She looked as though she didn't even know I was there.

"How's Dawn doing today?" I asked.

She grimaced, "Barely talking to me. But hey, at least she's not skipping school anymore... I hope."

"Do you want me to talk to her?" I asked.

She shook her head, "No... I have to learn to do this on my own." she sighed, "at least that's what Giles thinks."

I nodded, "Well, he does have a point. If you want her to start listening to you, you can't have other people undermining your authority."

"Right. So no, you can't talk to her." she said.

I sighed, and the conversation came to an abrupt halt. The only sound was that of the wind rustling softly through the leaves as we continued down the dark path. The abundant lack of vampires to slay was evident once again tonight, it was staring to look again like we would be having another long uncomfortable walk through the cemetery instead of doing any patrolling.

Just when I was starting to get used to the silence, Buffy sighed, "How can this not feel weird to you?"

I turned to her, my brow furrowed in confusion, "What do you mean?"

She stopped walking and threw her arms up in exasperation, "This isn't awkward for you at all?" she asked, "You can just forget?"

"Forget what?" I asked. She looked crestfallen, "I'm sorry Buffy... it's just... if you think about it there are a lot of reasons why we should feel awkward around each other. It's hard to keep track of them all."

She took a moment to digest my words. It only made her look more upset, "I guess you have a point." she muttered.

I sighed, "I didn't mean it like that... Please tell me what you mean."

She started to chew her lip nervously, "I meant after what happened last time we saw each other..." she whispered and cast her eyes to the ground as if she were ashamed of herself.

I knew she was referring to our lapse in judgement on the cliffs. I could've sworn I felt my cold, dead heart clench in my chest as I watched her fidget almost bashfully before me.

"Buffy, what happened that night... what we did... it was a mistake." I began.

She smiled wryly, "Gee, I feel special."

"Don't. Don't do that." I sighed.

"Do what?" she asked.

"Don't do that thing where you get all sarcastic and try to make me feel bad."

"I don't do that!" she huffed.

"Yes, you do."

"No I-"

"Forget it! Forget it, please!" I begged, "Just because it was a mistake doesn't mean that I wanted it to be."

She frowned at me, but didn't speak.

"Look, I'll take responsibility for what happened." I muttered, staring at the ground, "I just... I lost control. I missed you, and I'd spent months thinking I was never going to see you again. Then all of a sudden you're back, and we're together, and..."

I trailed off as I looked up and saw her face, I couldn't tell if she was about to cry or get angry with me, "And what?" she whispered.

"And I let myself slip... I'm sorry. You've been through too much for me to be confusing you like that." I continued.

Her expression didn't change, but after a moment, she smiled sadly, "It's okay. It's not like I tried to stop you or anything."

I frowned, "So... are we okay?" I asked. I paused and chuckled slightly upon realizing what a stupid question I'd just asked, "At least for us?"

She grinned sardonically, "Yeah, I guess we are."

"Okay. Good," I assured her with a nod before we continued slowly on our way.

"So, um, you've been so busy trying to pry me open – wow, that sounded wrong," she groaned.

I had to bite back a grin.

"What I mean to say, is that we haven't really talked about you," she clarified, "How's everything in L.A.?"

I panicked slightly; how _was_ everything in L.A.? Though I'd spoken to Cordelia the day before, I really didn't remember much about what was happening right about now. Everything before the events that had ended Buffy's life were still mostly a blur to me. I assumed I had been to Pylea, saved that poor girl Fred who'd since gone back home to her parents... what had happened next?

"Fine. Just fine. Actually it's kind of quiet right now." I answered, vague would have to do for now.

Buffy smiled, "And how are Cordy and Wes?"

I was taken aback slightly that she would bother asking, I knew neither Cordelia or Wesley were her favourite people, but it meant a lot to me that she was trying to take interest in my new life, "They're both doing great... there's also, Gunn... he's sort of a vigilante vampire hunter... helps from time to tome... you haven't met him yet," I offered. I was slightly surprised by my willingness to share, as was she. I guess I missed my family back in L.A. more than I realized.

"Wow, making friends... never thought I'd see the day," she teased.

"Yeah, and maybe someday I'll be a real boy." I joked.

Buffy gave me a strange, puzzled look, "Was that a joke?"

I simply shrugged, and grinned at her before turning my attention back to the path in front of us. It was strange, I was here to try and save Buffy, but instead I felt like things were working the other way around. Despite everything, when I was with her I felt almost like my old self again, as though the last hundred years had been nothing but a bad dream.

"You know, Angel -"

She stopped abruptly mid-sentence, and I could see her peering suspiciously off in the distance ahead of us. Following her line of sight, I discovered she was scrutinizing one of the old crypts, the wrought-iron door had been partially ripped from its hinges.

"That wasn't like that last night..." she whispered.

"No... it wasn't," I agreed quietly.

We crept slowly towards the mausoleum, stakes out, bodies coiled, ready to attack. As we drew nearer, we began to hear sounds of scraping and scuffling coming from within its dark interior. Almost as we'd reached the bottom of the steps, a creature suddenly appeared in the doorway. Its skin was a mix of pale violet and blue, scaly and tough. It had large, yellow eyes with tiny pupils, no nose, and a wide, thin mouth. It wore what looked to be an armoured chest plate and gloves. Buffy and I paused, we'd never seen anything like it before. It made no move to attack upon seeing us, it simply hissed, and launched itself over our heads, before taking off at a breakneck speed further into the cemetery.

We watched it disappear into the night in stunned silence.

"Do you want to chase it?" Buffy asked in an almost dazed tone.

"Do you think you can run that fast?" I asked.

"Definitely not... you?"

"Not a chance."

Buffy turned back to the entrance to the crypt, and peered inside, "Do you think there are more of them?" she whispered.

"Only one way to find out." I replied, climbing cautiously up the steps. Buffy followed closely behind me, our stakes raised to attack; though I wasn't really sure that they would do much good against the armour, it was all we had. Once inside, it was plain to see the crypt was empty. The giant stone sarcophagus in the middle of the room had been pried open, and the floor was littered with broken vases, urns, and chests.

"Obviously it was looking for something." Buffy muttered, stepping past me into the room and picking up the remains of a marble box to study it.

"Yeah. The question is what?"

"I haven't the foggiest." she mused, dropping the box back to the ground, "What do you say we head over to Giles'?"

I nodded, "Yeah, sounds good."

I let her pass in front of me, then followed her down the steps and back toward the street. Fear began to gnaw at the pit of my stomach, something about this situation was making me uneasy.

~0~

"... With armour, you say?" Giles asked, as he turned away from where Buffy and I sat on the sofa to scan one of his many overstuffed bookcases.

"And creepy yellow eyes." Buffy nodded.

"And it didn't attack you?" he questioned.

"No, it seemed more determined to escape." I answered, "It ran faster than anything I've ever seen before."

Giles frowned as he pulled a large tome of a shelf and began to flip through it, "It actually sounds vaguely familiar... ah!" he exclaimed, tapping the open page gently with his finger, "Did it look anything like this?"

He held the book out to us, sketched on the page was the unmistakeable image of the demon we'd encountered in the cemetery.

"That'd be the one," Buffy agreed.

"Valkesch Demon..." I read off the opposite page. I paused searching the recesses of my memory for any mention of this demon, "I've never heard of it before," I muttered.

Giles pulled the book away, and began scanning the page, "Yes, well, they're relatively peaceful demons, they tend to avoid conflict."

"That's pretty obvious already," Buffy sighed.

"They get their strength from magical energies... it's said they have a sensitivity to mystical artifacts." Giles continued to explain.

I suddenly felt my chest tighten, and I was thankful I didn't need to breathe. After months of nothing, a strange demon that can sense magical activity turns up at the closest Hellmouth to Los Angeles... I prayed it wasn't looking for what I feared it was. "It was looking for something with mystical powers?" I asked.

"I believe it would be the most likely scenario." Giles replied.

"The question now, is what?" Buffy added.

"Did you happen to catch the name on the crypt?" Giles asked.

"Um..." Buffy mumbled.

"Whitlock," I answered, "It was Whitlock."

"How did you notice that?" she whispered.

I shrugged, "It just caught my eye... Does that mean anything to you Giles?"

I looked up at the Watcher in time to see him attempt to hide the horrified expression on his face, and fear gripped at my heart.

"Um... er... actually it might." he replied hesitantly, turning away from us again and removing his glasses from the bridge of his nose to clean them. "I remember reading something a while ago... but I can't remember where. I'll have to dig through my volumes..." he trailed off, he was clearly distracted and concerned about something. I had an inkling what it might be. "It may take me awhile, perhaps you should both get some rest, and we can reconvene at the Magic Box tomorrow evening?'

He shot me a pleading look, before averting his eyes back to Buffy.

With a nod, I rose from the sofa, "Sure. We'll meet then."

Buffy looked between us, a little puzzled, but didn't press the matter further, "Alright," she sighed with a shrug, then began to slowly make her way towards the door. "I'll let everyone know to be there."

"Yes. Goodnight then," Giles agreed in an overly cheerful manner as he ushered us out the door and began to quickly close it behind us. I caught it before it closed all the way, and leaned back into the home to find the perturbed looking Watcher staring at me.

"It's bad, isn't it?" I asked, wanting to either confirm or deny my fears.

"I'm afraid it might be..." he whispered, "But I don't want to worry Buffy with it until I'm certain."

I nodded, then slowly shut the door.

"What was all that about?" came Buffy's voice from behind me.

They way she'd been acting, I hadn't really expected her to wait for me, "I, uh... I'd just remembered that I have a few books he might find useful at the mansion, and... wanted to ask him if I should bring them tomorrow night."

She narrowed her eyes at me, "Why are the two of you acting so jumpy?"

"What do you mean?" I asked innocently.

"You already know what was in that crypt, don't you?" she asked.

"No, no we don't."

"Yes you do! Giles only gets stuttery when he's worried, and you get all awkward and stiff when you lie."

"I'm not stiff..." I muttered.

"Why are you trying to protect me?" she asked quietly.

"We're not. I swear. Giles just doesn't want to burden you until he's confirmed everything." I explained.

"So, protecting me." she scoffed.

I opened my mouth to reply, but she didn't give me a chance to reply.

"I know I might not be all there emotionally right now, but I can still fight. That's the one thing I'm not having trouble with." she barked.

"He cares about you Buffy, and he's concerned. He's just trying to make it easier on you." I defended.

She sighed, "You know what would make it easier on me? If everyone would stop coddling me!" she turned, and stalked away down the street.

I didn't follow. I knew when to give her space.

* * *

**Starting to get into the action!**

**I think the flashback at the beginning of this chapter is one of my favourite sections of this story... I really wanted to have Angel and Spike confront each other about their feelings for Buffy, I never caught up with the AtS episodes once they moved Spike over there, and never really saw how they dealt with it... I think it would be something that would be challenging to write, and I was doubting my ability to pull it off... it came out better than I was expecting it to.**

**As for Angel sleeping on the floor... that was just something I felt like tossing in. I remember reading somewhere a long time back that people who used to be homeless or had been in other situations where they weren't sleeping in a bed for a prolonged period of time had trouble going back to it afterwards. Fun fact... and just something I felt like throwing in for sh*ts and giggles.**

**This is a haiku**  
**I'm writing it so you will**  
**Review my story**

**;)**


	7. Chapter 6: The End Comes Galloping In

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who's taken the time to review so far!  
This chapter is a bit shorter than the others, but there's a lot of information being tossed around, and I felt like I didn't want it to get too confusing.

On another note, it's looking like I'm not going to have the chance to update next weekend; a family friend has been admitted to the hospital, and I'm going to be heading home in a couple of days to provide some moral support. When I get back I may try to post 2 chapters to make up for it if I have enough time.

Thanks for reading!

* * *

Chapter 6: The End Comes Galloping In

The next day, I didn't sleep much. Aside from the dreams plaguing my slumber, the conversation at Giles' had left me concerned, and as a result, restless. If the Valkesch was looking for what I thought it was; there was a possibility my timeline had been cut short, and I would have to conjure up a way to keep Buffy out of the battle – and fast.

Worrying for Buffy's safety, however, had brought my thoughts back to our argument outside of Giles' home the evening prior. I should have known it wouldn't have taken Buffy long to hone into the fact that I was acting out of sorts, she was smarter and more intuitive than most people gave her credit for. I wondered how long it would take her now to forgive me for this little fumble... being out of touch with her emotions had made her quite a bit more rash when they did surface, something which I found both infuriating and heartbreaking at the same time. I found myself wishing that I'd stuck around the first time; that I'd been there to help her through this when I didn't have a secret the size of a great white whale wedged between us.

Needing something to preoccupy my mind, I fished my phone out of my pocket and dialled L.A., a conversation with Cordelia was sure to take my mind off of things.

"Angel Investigations, we help the helpless!" came her chipper voice through the receiver.

"It's me, Cordy."

"Angel! I wasn't expecting to hear from you again so soon! Everything's okay, right?" she chattered.

I smiled in relief, this was exactly what I needed, "Everything's fine here Cordy, how are you?"

"Oh, nothing but smooth sailing over here!" she said with a hint of sarcasm.

"What happened? I asked.

"I had a vision about something attacking a bunch of homeless kids, and it turned out there was this creepy warlock who was stealing their youth, so he could live forever or something entirely clichéd like that... so naturally the fight ended up in a sewer, where I ruined yet another pair of shoes, but I guess that's all in a day's work around here isn't it?"

I grinned, "Do you want me to pay for them?"

"No, don't be silly," she scoffed, "I already took some money out of the last case we did for them."

I rolled my eyes, "So I guess you all made it out safely?" I asked, though I was sure I didn't need to. Cordelia would not have been making quips about her shoes if something bad had happened, she wasn't that girl anymore.

"Yeah. Wes took a bit of a beating, but I think it damaged his pride more than anything else." she answered, "So what are you doing? I'd figure the Hellmouth would be keeping you busy enough that you wouldn't need to keep checking up on us back here."

"It's kind of quiet here actually," I explained, "Plus it is the middle of the day..."

"Buffy's mad at you isn't she?" Cordelia sighed.

"Where would you get an idea like that?" I asked, slightly perplexed as to how Cordy could pick up on that over the phone.

"Because you sound like your puppy just died." she sighed, "So dish, what happened?"

"I thought you hated hearing about Buffy and me?"

"I do, _way_ too much drama, but I'm trying to be supportive. Give me a break, okay?" I could almost imagine her rolling her eyes as she spoke.

"I guess everyone's been walking on eggshells around her since she came back." I muttered.

"And a coddled Slayer is a ticked-off Slayer?" Cordelia flouted.

"Something along those lines."

"I may be crazy here," she began, "But if I was trying to re-adjust to... well... _life_, I think it would be easier if people just treated me normally... don't you?"

I frowned, "I guess you have a point."

"Hey! Check me out! Giving the two-hundred-year-old vampire advice!" she cheered.

I smiled slightly, "I should get going Cordy."

"Where? The sun's still out." she questioned, "Oh. I get it, you want to go brood about Buffy! Well, don't let me stand in your way."

I sighed, "Take care Cordelia,"

"You too Angel."

I suddenly thought of the meeting at the Magic Box that evening, and fear gripped at me once more, "Cordy?" I asked, hoping she hadn't already hung up.

"Yeah?"

"You'll call, right? If you notice anything strange going on over there?"

"Didn't we go over this already? Of course I will." she sighed.

"I know. I'm sorry... I just wanted to be sure."

"Stress-case much? We know what we're doing, deal with whatever you've got happening over there."

"Right... talk to you later Cordy."

"Bye Angel."

I closed the phone and sunk into the couch. Everyone was safe... for now. I didn't know for how much longer, but I was thankful for whatever extra time I had.

~0~

That evening, I journeyed to the bookstore, anxious to hear what Giles had uncovered. Part of me was still praying that he would arrive with news other than what I was expecting, but I'd spent enough time on this planet to know that hoping for the best was a futile endeavour.

To further punctuate my thoughts of injustice, I turned down the street to the Magic Box, I discovered Buffy on the opposite side of the road, turning the corner at the exact same moment. She looked to me, and her shoulders slumped as she stopped in her tracks. I wasn't sure if she was stopping to give me time to pass her, or if she was waiting for me, but I chose the latter, and crossed the street to meet her.

"Hi." she greeted quietly.

"Hi."

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, she turned and continued down the sidewalk. I followed suit and fell into step beside her.

"How was your day?" I asked, attempting to break the tension.

"It was a day." she replied simply.

I frowned, "Buffy, I'm sorry about last night," I apologized. I was trying to make things better, and it seemed every time I was near her I was making things more and more difficult. "I shouldn't hide things from you."

She sighed, and finally looked up at me, "No... I overreacted. I get kind of moody sometimes," she explained, "It just happens, I wish there was a way I could warn people," she confessed ruefully.

I tried to smile at her, "Either way, this is your town, you should know what's going on. I have no right to keep you in the dark."

She nodded, and came to a halt outside the shop, "So... we're still good then?" she asked, albeit a little more stiffly that someone who was 'still good'.

"Yeah." I agreed.

She smiled sadly, then pushed open the door to the Magic Box. I followed her in, to discover everyone was already present.

Tara sat at the large round table, her chair pushed right up next to Dawn's as they both studied a textbook intently. Willow sat to the other side of Tara, lazily flipping through a spell book, while Xander sat at the opposite the three girls, his feet propped up on the table. Anya was behind the counter, busying herself with counting the money in the register.

"Hey! If it isn't our favourite Slayer!" Xander cheered, "And Angel." he added sourly.

"Is Giles here yet?" Buffy asked as we approached the rest of the group.

"Nope, we're still waiting for him," Dawn answered, "Can I stop doing homework now?" she asked with a pout.

"Are you finished?" Buffy questioned.

"No, but-"

"Then keep working until Giles gets here."

"But I hate geography! It's the worst! I don't care what kind of rocks the Earth's crust is made out of! When am I ever going to need to know that again?!" she whined.

Buffy's body visibly tensed, and out of the corner of my eye I saw her fists clench, "Dawn. Listen -"

"I-it's not so bad Dawnie!" Tara interrupted gently, "I'll keep helping you, w-we've only got two questions left, see? It'll be done in no time!" she smiled brightly at the young teen, before casting a sympathetic look at Buffy. I couldn't help but smile, even though Willow and Xander seemed to remain oblivious to Buffy's troubles, it appeared that Tara was a bit more intuitive.

The issue was never pressed further, however, as the door swung open and Giles strolled in with two large tomes tucked under his arm.

"Ah, good, everyone's here then!" he nodded, depositing the books on the table, and rubbing his hands together.

"Yep, we're all here, now tell us what's trying to end the world this time." Xander mused.

"Don't jump to conclusions Xander..." Giles scolded.

"Well, what's happening then?" Willow asked.

Giles turned to her with a sour expression, "Someone is trying to end the world." he confessed rather sheepishly.

"Hey! See? I'm smarter than you all think!" Xander cheered.

"You're not that smart," Anya snorted, closing up the register, and rounding the counter towards the table, "It's just that living on top of a Hellmouth has made world-ending scenarios predictable." she continued as she slid into the chair next to him.

"Thanks for your vote of confidence, An." Xander replied bitterly.

"What did you find, Giles?" I asked, attempting to derail the bickering that was sure to break out at any moment if we didn't get the ball rolling on this discussion.

"Yes, well, the demon itself doesn't seem to pose much of a threat as far as my sources indicate. Their kind tends to keep to themselves, however, when you mentioned the Whitlock crypt... that concerned me." Giles began.

"Why? Who was this Whitlock person?" Buffy asked.

"Charles Whitlock was a master architect in England at the end of the 19th Century, when he suddenly and mysteriously immigrated here, to Sunnydale, with no explanation, and proceeded to design and build a church." he explained.

"Born-again Christian?" Xander joked.

"What church?" Buffy asked quietly.

I turned to her, and saw the dark expression that marred her features; I knew exactly which church she was wondering about.

"The... the church destroyed in the 1937 earthquake." Giles continued quietly, "The one in which the Master was trapped."

The room suddenly went silent. Fear flashed across Buffy's features, but she quickly masked it.

"So..." Willow broke the silence, her voice barely above a whisper, "What would a demon be doing in his crypt?"

I turned my attention back to Giles, dreading what I was sure he was about to reveal.

"Well, the Council did some investigating after the earthquake. At the time, they believed the Hellmouth may be located underneath the church, and wanted to be sure that the barrier between our world and Hell hadn't been compromised by the disaster." he retold, "It was then that they began to uncover some rather peculiar information about Whitlock."

"He smuggled something here, didn't he?" I asked.

"Yes," Giles confirmed solemnly, "However it was all speculation, as no one was ever capable of finding it."

"Are you going to get around to telling us what _it _was?" Buffy asked, sounding a little frustrated. In light of us withholding information from her the evening before, she wasn't looking very impressed at the moment.

"It was a scroll. An extremely powerful one, from what was uncovered, it seemed that Whitlock believed no one would ever think to look for it atop a Hellmouth." Giles imparted.

"Well, his face would be red if he were still around today," Xander scoffed.

"Wh-what exactly was so special about this scroll?" Tara questioned.

Giles frowned, and I braced myself for his answer.

"It sets in motion the end of days."

~0~

_"You're joking right?!" Xander chuckled scornfully, "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?!"_

_ "I'm afraid not, no, we're not joking." Wesley replied, trying his best to remain calm under the younger man's scrutiny. I could see beads of sweat forming on his brow, and I was sure he was re-living all the insults he'd endured at the amusement of the group that had just strode into my office. Wesley had come a long way here in L.A., amongst those he'd grown to trust; I was moments away from dragging Xander Harris out the door and leaving him in the semi-apocalyptic streets for making someone I'd grown to consider a friend so uncomfortable._

_ "I would like to point out that none of this would be happening if the world was Jewish." Willow joked meekly, attempting to lessen some of the tension in the room._

_ "Ah, unfortunately Willow, that wouldn't be the case. This scroll is far older than Biblical texts... Christians merely re-appropriated it to fit into their eschatological view." Wesley continued._

_ Willow shrugged, "Can't blame a girl for trying."_

_ "So, what exactly is about to occur here?" Giles questioned, "From what I can recall, the scroll is very much like the one found in Christian doctrine; there are seven seals binding it, each of which, when opened, unleashes another element of the apocalypse."_

_ Wesley nodded in agreement, "Precisely. As of right now, we're certain the first two seals have been broken, we've yet to see anything to confirm the other two horsemen, however-"_

_ "If you have no proof that there are four of them, then why are you so quick to jump to the conclusion that it's the end of days?" Buffy asked. If the question had come from anyone else I would have thought they were trying to challenge Wesley's knowledge, but Buffy looked genuinely concerned, perhaps hoping to find another explanation for what was happening._

_ "That's an excellent question, Buffy," Wesley answered quietly, taking note of the worry __etched on her face, "For those of you who may not know, the four horsemen are Pestilence, War, Famine, and finally Death." he continued solemnly, "Aside from the vision Cordelia had of an armoured rider on a white horse, galloping out of a window at the Wolfram & Hart offices, there has been the unidentifiable virus which has stricken down half of Los Angeles."_

_ "Hospitals are full," Cordelia cut in, stepping next to Wesley, almost as though she were defending him, "No one is getting better, and more people are getting sick every minute. You saw the mess out there; people started rioting outside of the hospitals, stealing supplies, attacking each other to try and get help for themselves or their loved ones first."_

_ "The beginnings of civil war." Gunn interjected._

_ "Not to mention that while trying to break up a riot outside a pharmacy a few nights ago, I saw a red horse and rider galloping through the sky as the violence began to escalate." I added._

_ "That just leaves Famine and Death to reveal themselves," Wesley finally continued, "And I don't foresee it taking very long at this rate."_

_ Gunn nodded in agreement, "It's chaos out there. People have lost their minds."_

_ "They blame the fever, but in reality, you and I can assume there is something bigger at work."_

_ "The government is talking about quarantining L.A. until the cause of the virus can be determined. If that's the case, rationing may be implemented... and if people deplete food supplies like they did medical supplies... they'll all be in trouble." I explained._

_ "W-Wait..." Tara cut in quietly. Her face burned bright red as all the eyes in the room fell on her, but she continued, "I thought only, w-well, only Jesus could cut the seals on the scroll?" she turned to Willow who was casting her a questioning look, "M-my Dad was super religious..." she explained bashfully._

_ "In the Bible, yes, that is true," Giles confirmed, "However, that myth was created to ease the minds of the masses. In reality, anyone who gets their hands on the scroll could open it."_

_ The room went silent, as the reality of the situation hit everyone full force._

_ "That's why it was hidden," Wesley murmured, "to ensure no one could stumble upon it accidentally, and unknowingly unleash these evils on the earth."_

_ "So, how did your lawyer pals get their grubby paws on it then?" Spike piped in finally from where he stood leaning against the doorframe._

_ "We have no idea." Cordelia answered._

_ "They managed to really keep it under wraps, we didn't notice a thing." I added, a hint of rage colouring my voice. I couldn't believe that they'd finally pulled the wool over my eyes. This was bigger than anything else they'd tried to orchestrate before, and I had been clueless._

_ "But we can still stop it, right?" Dawn asked hopefully, looking around the room with her eyes open wide, an innocent and hopeful expression on her face._

_ I glanced at Wesley, his matter-of-fact attitude melted away, and was quickly replaced by an expression of disillusionment. He turned to me and opened his mouth to speak, before shutting it again tightly and casting his eyes to the ground. Feeling my heart breaking in light of Dawn's optimism, I turned to Buffy. She was staring back at me, her expression was despairing as she studied my face, searching for some shred of hope she could feed her younger sister, but I had none to offer, and she soon joined Wesley in staring at the ground._

_ "We don't know."I divulged finally, "This is a lot bigger than anything we've ever faced... and with the lack of solid information..."_

_ "It's looking like the end." Dawn whispered defeatedly._

_ No one spoke for a long moment. It seemed in light of the recent revelations, no one could think of something positive to say to the young teen._

_ "Then we do what we do best," Buffy cut in finally, looking up from the floor, her eyes now steely and full of conviction as she took a step forward, surveying everyone in the room, "We fight."_

_ Wesley shook his head hesitantly, "These aren't your run of the mill demons, Buffy, I'm afraid it may not be that simple-"_

_ "Is a town mayor turning into giant snake 'run of the mill'? Is a cyborg-demon hybrid? Is a Hell-God?" Buffy replied, placing her hands on her hips defiantly, "This may be big, but I'm not willing to lay down and let them win. We've all sacrificed too much for that."_

_ I studied Buffy intently, I didn't know why she continued to surprise me after all these years. Ever since she'd arrived I'd been contemplating telling her to run and save herself, but seeing her courage despite everything I knew she'd gone through in the past year, made me second guess that decision. It would definitely be a huge advantage having her in the fight; but at the same time there was a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me not to put her in danger. _

_ "This doesn't have to be your fight Buffy," I said, "If you all leave now you can probably find a safe place to hide before it spreads-"_

_ "We're not going anywhere." she answered, her jaw set in determination, "We all have a better chance of surviving if we fight together."_

_ "I just thought I would give you an out," I replied softly, taking a step towards her._

_ "Since when have I ever taken an out?" she answered, a cheeky smile on her lips._

_ "Never... but the offer is on the table." I countered with a smile as we momentarily forgot the embarrassing slip during our last encounter._

_ "Alright, alright! Break it up you two!" Xander groaned, "Can I put it on the proverbial table that Buffy and Dead-Boy have to remain at least ten feet apart at all times?"_

_ "Nice to see a coming apocalypse has changed your petty ways, Xander," Cordelia snapped._

_ "Excuse me for not wanting Angel's alter-ego making a reappearance to bat for the other team, alright? I figure we'll already have enough on our plates."_

_ "Xander..." Giles warned quietly._

_ "Listen," Cordelia hissed, "The past three years, when you've probably just been getting yourself into trouble and making Buffy waste her time saving you, Angel's been doing real good! So you need to let go of whatever residual, petty jealousy you're hanging onto, and grow up!"_

_ An awkward silence blanketed the room, and though I didn't let it show outwardly, I was quite impressed with how Cordelia had shut Xander down in my defense._

_ "You're awfully rude..." Anya grumbled quietly from where she sat next to Xander._

_ "Do you really -"_

_ "Cordy not now!" Buffy snapped, and Cordelia snapped her mouth shut, "Though I'd love for you two to just get at it so you can bury the hatchet," she continued, casting a pointed glare to where Xander sat. His face turned red and he looked down to his hands, "We have bigger things to deal with right now." she turned back to me, and I could tell from her expression that she was searching for what to do next._

_ "Right." I agreed, "But first I think if you guys are going to be here for awhile, you should get settled in. Almost all the rooms on the first two floors are habitable, you can grab the keys from behind the reception desk. We'll meet again later to start discussing a plan." _

_ A great amount of scuffling suddenly rose in the small cramped office as the gang from Sunnydale rose from their seats, or moved from where they were standing and headed towards the door. _

_ "Thanks Angel," Willow called softly, a friendly smile on her face as she filed out of the room with the others. Only Buffy stayed behind._

_ "So, am I safe to assume this evening will be filled with a lot of heavy reading?" she asked._

_ I shrugged, "Wesley seems to think he's depleted our resources, but maybe some fresh eyes will help."_

_ She nodded, then turned to Cordelia with a smirk on her face. She studied her for a moment, looking as though there was something on the tip of her tongue, and she was wrestling with whether or not to say it, when suddenly her face fell, and she turned away with a troubled expression, "I should go... get my things from the car," she stammered. Once she reached the door she paused, and turned back to me. Without the others present, she looked a little more defeated and frightened, "Thank you, Angel." she said softly._

_ "No, Thank you." I whispered, and she disappeared out the door. I stared after her for a long moment, once again forgetting that Wesley, Gunn and Cordelia were still present._

_ "So that's the Slayer, huh?" Gunn chuckled, "To be honest I was expecting her to be taller."_

_ "Don't underestimate her," Wesley warned wryly, "She's tougher than she looks,"_

_ "If she can keep up with this guy," Gunn answered, pointing towards me, "Wouldn't dream of it."_

_ It was then that I noticed Wesley frowning at me, "Are you sure you'll be alright with her here, Angel?" he questioned gently._

_ My heart clenched in my chest, but I showed no outwards signs of the turmoil, "We've got more important things to focus on." I muttered, "I think I'll go make sure everyone's got everything they need."_

_ Gunn merely looked confused by the sudden change in topic, but Wesley and Cordelia were not fooled; they knew the fact that I wasn't willing to discuss Buffy didn't bode well. They also knew not to press the matter further. _

_ Just as I reached the door, I turned back to them, "By the way Cordelia... thanks." _

_ She smiled gratefully, "No sweat, I've been waiting three years for a good excuse to give Xander Harris a piece of my mind."_

_ I grinned, then turned again to leave._

_ "Oh, and Angel?"_

~0~

"Angel?" Cordelia's voice suddenly sounded a lot like Buffy's, "_Angel!_"

I blinked, and discovered I was back in the Magic Box, with seven pairs of extremely confused eyes on me. "Yeah?" I answered hesitantly. I'd just completely zoned out, how much of the conversation had I missed?

With her brow furrowed in concern Buffy continued, "I was just saying that we'd take a trip back to the crypt tonight? See if we can find any clues about whether or not the scroll actually was there."

I straightened and nodded in agreement, "Yes, that sounds like the best idea right now."

"Great..." she muttered, her perplexed eyes never leaving my face, "We'll head over to the cemetery, while you guys get into research mode."

She turned abruptly, and stalked towards the door. Forcing myself out of the fog of my distant memories, I hurried after her. Pushing through the door to the outside world, I discovered Buffy waiting for me, her arms crossed and her eyes questioning.

"What happened in there?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You were gone... completely gone... on another planet gone." she rambled.

"I got caught up in my thoughts, it's no big deal." I attempted to ease her mind, however from the look on her face I could tell she wasn't buying it.

"Angel, I know you think my whole _situation_ has cut me off from the rest of the world, but I can still sense when something's wrong; and something is definitely wrong." she began, "You've been acting strange since you showed up here... I'm worried about you."

"Don't. Please." the last thing I needed or wanted was Buffy scrutinizing my behaviour, or wasting energy being concerned for me, "I'm fine, I was just... thinking about who might be responsible for this."

"Well, I hope you came up with someone after being so deep in thought," she answered.

"Maybe," I replied. There would be no harm in revealing this, would there? We didn't even have any confirmation of what was happening yet, "There's this law firm in Los Angeles..."

"What would a law firm want with an ancient scroll? I'd think killing everyone would do the opposite of helping their business." Buffy scoffed.

"They're kind of an evil demonic law firm." I clarified.

"Really? The things you miss out on living in a small town..." she mused.

"I'll call home tomorrow and get the guys to look into it just incase."

She shrugged, "If you think it'll help."

I nodded again, "So, should we head back to the crypt?" I suggested.

Buffy continued to study me uneasily, I was sure I didn't have her completely convinced, but she knew me well enough to know that I wasn't about to volunteer information if something was bothering me, and there was no way I was telling her what the problem really was. I would just have to be more careful around her, which was not something that was unfamiliar territory; if I could learn to keep my distance physically and emotionally, I could learn to put my guard back up mentally as well, as much as it would kill me to do so.

I would just have to hope it didn't drive the wedge further between us. I would have no hope of saving her if I destroyed our relationship completely.

* * *

**So here it is, the reason I was warning people with strong religious beliefs to perhaps avoid this story. I'm really interested in different religions, and how things get interpreted (not to mention I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to fantasy - on top of the supernatural), so a chance to write about Knights who bring about the Apocalypse was something I've really wanted to try and work into a story for a long time... I hope I've done so in a way that won't offend anyone, I honestly don't mean anything disrespectful in doing so.**

**This will also serve as a heads up that I'll probably be changing the rating on this story to M in the next little while, so favourite or bookmark this now!**

**Please review! :)**


	8. Chapter 7: Sacrifice

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Hello again kind readers! I'm back after a pretty craptacular weekend last week, with an update. Sorry for keeping all of you waiting, but then again I've seen authors go MIA from here for months at a time, so one week isn't really that big of a deal, right? You don't all hate me yet, do you? )

To those who have been asking questions about the story in the reviews; I'm not ignoring you by not answering, I promise! A lot of the things people have been speculating about are going to be answered as the story progresses, just keep reading (and I hope I don't disappoint)!

* * *

Chapter 7: Sacrifice

Waking late the next afternoon, I dialled L.A. I had my fingers crossed that the call wouldn't confirm my fears that Wolfram & Hart was behind the looting of Whitlock's crypt. Though optimism wasn't my strong suit, I was still praying that the Valkesch demon was simply a coincidence, and that the scroll that had caused so much devastation the first time around hadn't been sitting in Sunnydale the whole time.

After the phone had rang enough times for me to consider hanging up, I heard someone fumble with the receiver, "Uh... Angel Investigations... we, uh, help the hopeless?" came a deep voice through the earpiece.

"Gunn?" I asked.

"Hey! Angel-man! How's your vacation goin'?" he asked cheerily.

"It's not really a vacation... where's Cordy?" I asked.

"She's got a hair appointment or some other girly thing like that... she'll be back in about an hour."

"Right..." I answered, "Listen, I need you to do something important for me," I began.

"Shoot."

"This demon popped up here in Sunnydale, and I'm worried it might be working for Wolfram & Hart." I explained.

"What would W n' H want in Sunnydale?" Gunn questioned.

"We're not entirely sure yet, I'll explain when we have more information, but I need you guys to keep an eye out, make sure it doesn't turn up at their offices. If it does, you need to call me immediately – especially if it's got anything with it."

"Alright Boss... don't get all worked up! We'll get on it... so what's this thing look like anyway?" Gunn answered coolly.

"Get Wesley to look it up, I'm sure there's a book lying around with a picture of it; it's called a Valkesch Demon." I recounted.

"A Val-what?"

"Valkesch..." there was silence on the line, "Do I need to spell it?"

"Nah, nah... Val-kesh, Val-kesh. Got it."

"Good. Call me if there's anything. And be careful."

"You sound worried, man... should we be panicking?" Gunn chuckled, an attempt to break the tension evident in my voice.

"No... not yet at least. I'll keep you all posted once we're sure what's going on." I assured him.

"Alright. Take care, pal."

"You too Gunn." and I ended the call.

It was strange hearing Gunn's voice after all these years. Given everything that had happened, how I'd let everyone down, his death had been one that I'd felt more guilty about; it hadn't been an accident, or unstoppable... it had been a sacrifice.

~0~

_With the demon's of all conceivable dimensions suddenly having free-range of the surface, we'd collectively decided perhaps our journey would be safer if we'd used the sewer systems underground. The creatures that had been unleashed on earth were too busy and distracted picking off all the humans that were running scared that they hadn't turned to those who had been quick-witted enough to go into hiding – at least that was what we'd initially thought._

_ As we made our way through the maze of tunnels, I began to notice we encountered fewer and fewer humans the farther along we trekked. I immediately began to worry, and considered herding the group back to the surface, however, the tunnels were relatively small, and I reasoned whatever we may encounter would probably be easier to take down than whatever lurked above._

_ With only a torch which I carried to lead the group as lighting, the others were all on edge, but after taking a few more twists and turns without any trouble, my mind eased slightly. Still, I didn't let my guard down. Perhaps we were simply on the right path, and would be able to escape the wreckage of Los Angeles sooner than I'd expected. _

_ It was then, in the dim lighting, that Cordelia tripped over something, falling to the ground with a slight squeal, and I turned swiftly, bringing the torch with me to make sure she was alright._

_ "Cordy? Are you o-"_

_ "Oh my god, oh my god!" she exclaimed as soon as the torch light fell on her, trying her best to keep the volume of her voice to a minimum. She scrambled off of what she fallen on top of, and crouched against the side of the wall, a look of pure horror on her face._

_ Once Cordelia was no longer casting a shadow, I could see what had tripped her. _

_ It was a body._

_ The others all fell silent, as they stood around the poor victim. It was a boy, not much older than Dawn's age, his eyes still opened wide in fear, his skin ashen._

_ "Wh-what do you think killed him?" Dawn whispered apprehensively._

_ It was then that I noticed the absence of something, something that had kept me from noticing the body to begin with; it was the scent of blood._

_ "Vampires," I whispered remorsefully, "He's been drained."_

_ No one spoke for another moment, as we silently gazed at the poor young man. It was hard to turn away, to keep trying to escape, knowing that innocent people like him, who until a few short weeks ago, had no idea such horrible creatures existed, were being attacked, and dying alone and frightened._

_ "We should keep moving," Giles urged gently, placing an arm around Dawn's shoulders, and turning her away from the boy. _

_ "Yeah," I agreed, "Everyone stay close."_

_ I extended my hand to Cordelia, and helped her up from the ground, she eagerly grabbed into my arm, and cast one last pitiful glance towards the crumpled body before letting me lead her further into the tunnel, "Poor thing..." she whispered, and wiped at her cheek with the back of her hand. _

_ Suddenly, she pitched forward again, this time with her hand gripping her forehead as she hissed in pain. I shoved the torch at Xander, who fumbled slightly as he took it, and I grabbed Cordelia by the elbows to support her._

_ Her head snapped up suddenly, and she looked at me with an expression of sheer terror._

_ "What did you see?" I asked her._

_ "We-we need to get out of here... now!" she panicked._

_ "What was it?" I urged, as I helped her to her feet._

_ "Vampires... a lot of them..." she panted fearfully._

_ I helped her back to her feet, and snatched the torch back from Xander, scanning the connecting tunnels swiftly, "Which way did they come from?" I questioned._

_ "I... I don't know..." she winced, "I couldn't tell, everything looks the same to me down here!"_

_ I placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, "It's okay, don't panic" I whispered, "Everyone, stay alert. The first man-hole we come across, we're going back to the surface."_

_ "We can't go back out there!" Xander exclaimed quietly, "We stand a better chance with the vampires!"_

_ "Not if we're outnumbered, it's too cramped down here." I explained._

_ "Willow! Willow can't you do something?" Dawn begged, "I don't want to go back up there!"_

_ Willow cast a worried look towards Dawn._

_ "Performing an offensive spell in such a small tunnel like this one could be disastrous." Wesley whispered._

_ With a sigh Willow nodded in agreement, "There's not enough space, it could ricochet and hit one of you guys."_

_ "We need to get moving," Cordelia pressed, her face still twisted in pain._

_ "Cordy's right. Come on, this way everyone." I ordered, then turned down an adjacent tunnel, quickening my pace as I continued to take every twist and turn imaginable._

_ "Over there!" Gunn called from the back of the group, and I turned to my right to find a rusted ladder, sticking out of the wall up ahead. Rushing towards it, I looked up; the cover had already been removed, and I found myself staring up at the blood-red sky._

_ "Willow, you take Dawn up first." I extended my hand to the two women, and watched in anticipation as Willow climbed through the hole above our heads. _

_ A moment later, her face reappeared in the opening, "It's clear guys! Hurry!" she called down to the rest of us._

_ I pushed Dawn up the ladder, when suddenly a chuckle coming from the darkness further along the tunnel pulled my attention away._

_ "Well, well, well, looks like we found ourselves a feast!" the voice laughed._

_ The others froze in fear, as a wall of vampires, eyes glinting in hunger, fangs bared, began to emerge from the darkness. Reacting purely on impulse, I morphed into my game face, and stepped forward towards the gang, "Back off!" I growled, "They're mine."_

_ The vampire at the front of the pack, a man of average height, stocky build, his dark hair pulled back into a ponytail smirked, and looked me up and down, "Nice try Angel... we know all about you and what team you play for."_

_ Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder, and a mouth next to my ear, "Get the others out of here, I'll hold 'em off." It was Gunn._

_ "No," I whispered, never taking my eyes off the mass of vampires, who had begun to take slow steps towards us._

_ "You need to look out for Dawn, it was the last thing Buffy ever asked of you," he whispered, his hand gripping my shoulder tightly._

_ My heart clenched, and without even realizing what I was doing, I relinquished the torch to him as he reached for it, "When you get up top, run for the coastline." I whispered._

_ He nodded, then in a flash had lunged towards the vampires, ferociously swinging the torch in front of him, "Stay back you filthy bloodsuckers!" he shouted, as a sea of growls began to crescendo in the darkness._

_ I turned back towards the others, still frozen in place in front of the ladder, "GO!" I shouted, shoving Anya towards the ladder. She grabbed the rungs, and began to climb as quickly as she could. Once she was almost halfway, I motioned for Cordelia to follow, as I cast a glance towards Gunn._

_ The vampires had gotten more daring now, some were trying to reach out to knock the torch out of his hands. He would throw kicks and punches at the ones who didn't get burned, and didn't fall back trying to pat out the flames, but they were still drawing closer._

_ Next I sent up Giles, followed by Xander._

_ A vampire in Gunn's periphery, close to the side of the wall lunged towards him, but Gunn caught it in time, and turned and threw the torch at him. The vampire roared as he was engulfed in flames, and Gunn kicked him backwards, into the others. The fire slowly began to spread, and the shrieks of pain multiplied and grew louder, as the ones untouched by the flames began to rush him. He continued to punch, and kick, and slam them into the walls._

_ Wesley was the next up the ladder, and I waited on the bottom rung, watching Gunn fight valiantly, "Gunn! Come on!" I shouted over the screams and roars._

_ "No! You first!" He yelled._

_ "I'm not leaving anyone behind!" _

_ "You need to get outta here Angel! The others won't survive without you!" he cried, "Go!"_

_ He continued to rage against his attackers as I started to make my way up the ladder, almost to the top, I glanced back down; for as many vampires that were burning, more and more seemed to surround Gunn, "That the best you got assholes?!" I heard him shout amidst the chaos, and I pulled myself through the manhole._

_ The others all stood around the hole, their eyes wide in fear, "Come on!" I ordered, surveying our surroundings, and happy to see that my sense of direction wasn't completely off - we were not to far from the coastline._

_ "Where's Gunn?!" Willow shouted._

_ "He's coming!" I replied, taking her arm and forcing her to run alongside me._

_ "We can't leave him down there!" Cordelia sputtered._

_ "He's fine! Come on!" I urged._

_ We all began to run towards the edge of what used to be the beach, glancing behind us occasionally to check if Gunn or the vampires had followed us. Suddenly, Cordelia screamed, and fell to her knees again, her head clutched between her hands. _

_ "Keep going!" I shouted to the others, as I doubled back to help her._

_ Wesley was already by her side as I reached her and knelt in front of her. She was shaking, and when her body finally relaxed, she slumped forward, pulling her hands in front of her face._

_ "Cordelia?" Wesley asked gently, his hand on her shoulder._

_ Abruptly, she sat back up, and let her hands fall to her sides; there were tears in her eyes, and she was breathing heavily._

_ "Cordy? Are you alright?" I murmured._

_ A tear began to slowly roll down her cheek, and she raised her hand to wipe it away as she'd done after we walked away from the dead boy in the tunnels, before pushing herself back up to her feet._

_ "Gunn's dead." she whispered, as she began to slowly walk in the direction the others had gone._

_ Wesley and I both watched her walk away silently. Guilt twisted in my stomach; we should have all fought those vampires together. It was an impossible battle, he should have known that, and I should have resisted him. Was my desire to protect Dawn and see through Buffy's final wishes so strong that I was willing to let my friends sacrifice themselves for me?_

_ "We should keep on moving," Wesley's voice cut through my thoughts._

_ I turned to him, he'd become a lot less stoic over the last couple of years, but I still found the tears he was fighting to hold back surprised me. "Yeah." I answered, as I painstakingly climbed to my feet, Wesley followed suit._

_ Neither one of us said another word as we slowly made our way to where we could see the others standing in the ashen sand, the blackened water lapping at the edge of the beach. There, Dawn was hugging Cordelia as her shoulders shook with sobs. The other stood around them, their heads bowed._

_ No one even looked up as we approached._

~0~

Being left alone with my dark thoughts all afternoon had put me on edge. Doyle hadn't showed up for an unannounced visit, which had disappointed me as I could have really used a lighthearted conversation to keep me from wallowing in my memories.

Unable to stand my own company any longer, I'd decided to leave for patrol early, and sweep through one of the cemeteries on my way to the Magic Box. The sweep yielded nothing, however, and I was finished even earlier than I'd anticipated.

Wondering if I was making a huge mistake, I decided to head over to Revello Drive, and meet Buffy at home. Given the events of the two evenings prior, we were really walking on eggshells around each other, and I wasn't sure she would appreciate me showing up at her home, but it seemed now that I once again had the option of human companionship, I was finding it harder and harder to spend time alone. It troubled me; I'd always been a solitary creature, even though in the two years before the apocalypse I'd become much more accustomed to having people around, I'd still had no problem being by myself. I wondered if psycho-analysis worked on a three-hundred-plus year old vampire; if maybe my fear of watching those I held close to my heart fall around me once more was affecting my mental state.

As I reached the front door of 1630, I opened the screen, and knocked hesitantly. I hoped Buffy wouldn't be too upset with me showing up unexpectedly.

I didn't have too long to dwell, however; mere moments later the door was pulled open by Tara, who stood sheepishly in the doorway.

"A-Angel, hi." she greeted with a shy smile.

"Hi Tara... um... I was wondering if Buffy was here?" I asked.

"O-oh, she's already at the Magic Box, I just got back from there. I came home to feed Miss Kitty." she explained

"Miss Kitty?" I asked.

"Mine and Willow's cat." she explained, her cheeks burning red.

"Right," I replied, with an amused grin.

"She was talking with Giles, I-I think about that Whitlock crypt." she explained.

"The cat?" I questioned in puzzlement.

"No, Buffy." Tara clarified, she looked like she wanted to laugh, but held it back almost as if she were afraid of upsetting me.

"Right, thank you." I replied, a little embarrassed, and was about to hurry away when I thought of something.

"Tara?" I asked, she'd stepped back to close the door, but looked back up at me quizzically.

"Yes?"

"Have you... have you noticed Buffy acting strangely at all?"

She quietly considered my question, her brows knitted together in thought. She frowned before answering, "It's hard to say," she began, "I-I mean, she's been through an awful lot in the past year."

"She definitely has," I agreed.

"Not to mention, I'm sure it's hard to re-adjust after... a-after... well, you know."

I knew she was referring to her returning from the grave. I merely nodded stiffly in response; Buffy had been adamant about not wanting Willow to learn the truth about where she had been. Which by extension, meant that indicating anything to Tara was strictly forbidden.

"She seems a bit depressed, but I think she has every right to be," Tara continued sympathetically.

"Absolutely," I agreed, keeping my eyes averted to the ground.

"Although..." she began, but trailed off almost instantly. I brought my eyes back up to her, and she looked hesitant to continue. I must have had an extremely pleading expression on my face, because after looking away, she began again, "Sh-she gets these looks... I-I'm not sure how many of the others have noticed... but she just looks so sad and far away, like she's not even on this earth anymore."

"I've noticed too," I confessed.

"Has she said anything to you?" Tara asked.

I shook my head, and after a moments consideration I chuckled morosely, "I don't think she's really keen on opening up to me right now."

Tara smiled sympathetically, "I think it was really nice of you to come back here. Willow told me most of what happened between you two... it can't be easy to be around her."

"You have no idea," I grimaced.

"I'm sure if she was more herself, Buffy would appreciate it."

I smiled gratefully at the blonde witch, it didn't seem like there were many people who were happy I was around, "I should get to the Magic Box, I don't want to keep Buffy waiting."

She nodded, "No problem, have a good night Angel."

"You too, Tara."

I turned, and descended the steps as the door clicked shut behind me. Once I reached the end of the walkway, I turned to look back at the Summer's home with a sad smile. Tara was a sweet girl, empathetic and kind hearted. Though I'd never questioned it the first time around, I felt I had even more understanding for why Willow sacrificed her own happiness to save her.

~0~

_It was just after dusk, and I was upstairs packing up the rest of Buffy's weapons for the journey out of Sunnydale. Signs of the turmoil in Los Angeles had begun to spread, and we'd decided that the Hellmouth would definitely not stay safe for long. After coming to the consensus that heading north would be our best option, we began to pack up whatever necessities and supplies we would need to ensure our survival. _

_ I placed the last of Buffy's stakes into a large sports bag, and gingerly closed the lid of her weapons chest, running my hand over its sleek surface lightly. Rising to my feet, and hoisting the bag over my shoulder, I took a minute to look around the room one last time. _

_ No one had dared to touch it since she'd passed, with the exception of myself now rifling through her weapons. Her bed was hastily made, a few worn articles of clothing lay strewn about the floor, and one of the drawers of her vanity had been pulled open just an inch, as though she'd been in too much of a hurry to close it properly. _

_ Crossing over to the vanity, I studied the framed pictures that scattered it's surface; Buffy, Willow, and Xander at graduation, Buffy and Dawn smiling behind a large cake that read 'Happy 14__th__ Birthday Dawn!', The two Summer's girls again with Joyce at the Art Gallery... The happy moments in Buffy's life, the ones between all the pain and suffering that Slaying had brought her. To anyone looking at these photos, they would never be able to tell that the cheerful blonde was forced to risk her life on a nightly basis._

_ With a sigh, I turned away from the photographs; scrutinizing them wouldn't bring her back, and bringing memories of a life that no longer existed wouldn't do any of us any good on the road. Steeling myself, I said a goodbye in my head, before marching out of the woman I loved's bedroom for the last time._

_ As I made my way down the stairs, I could hear faint whispering from the living room. As I came to the bottom step, I found Willow kneeling beside the fireplace, her back to me._

_ "Tabula rasa... tabula rasa..." she whispered, and I saw her arm move to throw something into the fire._

_ "Willow?" I called softly._

_ She spun around, her eyes wide as they fell on me, "Yeah?!" she asked shakily._

_ "What are you doing?" I asked._

_ Her eyes suddenly became glassy, and she cast them to the floor, "Nothing..."_

_ I didn't press the matter further, there were more important things we needed to take care of. Dawn was over at Giles', she'd been staying there since after the funeral, finding it too hard to stay at the house, even with myself, Willow and Tara present. We were heading over there now, to meet them, as well as Xander, Anya, Cordelia, Wesley, and Gunn, before trekking north._

_ "Where's Tara?" I asked, unable to sense anyone other than the two of us in the home._

_ "I told her to wait by the car," Willow replied quietly, as she rose to her feet, shoving a small crystal in her pocket, and picking up the overnight bag that sat at her feet._

_ "We should get going then,"_

_ She nodded, and crossed the room slowly, as I pulled open the front door. I held it open, for Willow to pass through, and she paused once out on the front porch. She stared out, past my car parked in the driveway, to where Tara stood. Her back was to us, her bag on the ground at her side, and she glanced up and down the street cautiously._

_ I closed the door behind me, and stepped next to Willow. Taking another sidelong glance at her, I noticed that the glassy look of her eyes was now tears threatening to spill down her cheeks, as she silently watched Tara at the end of the driveway._

_ "Are you okay?" I asked._

_ She nodded stiffly, and blinked back her tears._

_ "Ready to get going then?"_

_ She reached back down into her pocket, and pulled out the crystal again. Though I could've sworn it was clear when I saw her slip it into her pocket inside, it was now a dark onyx black. She smiled sadly before closing her hand around the crystal, "Yeah."_

_ We walked down the steps side by side, and crossed the lawn towards my car. I rounded it to the trunk, and popped it open to throw the bag of weapons inside. I turned, to take Willow's bag from her, but found instead that she'd passed me, and gone to the end of the driveway where Tara stood._

_ Digging around in her bag, I saw her pull out what looked to be a plane ticket, and clutch it in her shaking hand._

_ "Excuse me?" She called, stopping behind Tara._

_ Tara turned to face her, her face painted with confusion as she studied the young woman in front of her._

_ "I-I think you dropped this." Willow finished, holding out the ticket to Tara._

_ Hesitantly, Tara reached out, and took the ticket from Willow's grasp. She opened it slowly, "New York... I don't remember buying this..." she muttered with a frown._

_ "Well, is that your name on it?" Willow stammered, I could see her face was flushed as I stepped closer to the two of them._

_ "I-it is." Tara confirmed._

_ "Then I guess you did!"_

_ Tara let a half-smile creep across her face, "I've... I've never been to the East Coast before." she confessed._

_ Willow tried her best to smile back, the attempt was watery, "Then it must be exciting for you."_

_ Tara nodded bashfully, but then frowned again, "S-something... something bad is happening... right?"_

_ Willow nodded, "Right," she whispered._

_ "That's why I'm leaving." Tara continued, she sounded lost, as though she were trying to sort out her own thoughts._

_ "Right," Willow repeated with another nod._

_ The frown on Tara's face grew more pronounced as she took in her surroundings, "I... I-I think I'm lost..." she confessed sheepishly._

_ "Well, if you go that way," Willow began, pointing down the street in the opposite direction from where Tara was facing, "about three blocks and turn left, then stay on that street until you get into town... there'll be a bus station that can take you to the airport."_

_ Tara smiled gratefully, then bent to pick up her bag, "Thank you!" she sighed, "I-I'm Tara, by the way."_

_ I saw tears spring to Willow's eyes once more, "I'm... I'm Willow." she replied, her voice cracking. She motioned to where I stood behind her, "And this is Angel."_

_ I waved stiffly, still not sure what was unfolding in front of me._

_ "What nice names." Tara answered, "W-where are you two going?"_

_ "Up the coast." Willow explained._

_ Tara nodded again, "Well, I don't w-want to miss my flight." _

_ "Of course not." Willow agreed._

_ "It was nice to meet you, Willow. Good luck." she smiled._

_ "Y-you too, Tara" Willow wept._

_ "Don't worry, I'm sure everything will be alright," Tara assured her, before turning and beginning to make her way down the street._

_ "Goodbye..." Willow whispered._

_ Tara must have heard, because she turned, and waved briefly, before continuing down the street, and shrinking in the distance._

_ Once she was almost out of sight, Willow crumbled to her knees, her arms wrapped around herself tightly, as her body shuddered with heaving sobs. I rushed to her side, and placed my hand gently on her back, "Willow? What happened?" I asked._

_ "I-I-I erased myself from her memory..." she sobbed, "Everything... everything about u-us... and all the scary, horrible things that she had to experience b-because of me... they're all gone..."_

_ I felt my eyes widen in shock, "Why?" I whispered._

_ "Because I couldn't lose her... n-not after what Glory did... I couldn't... I couldn't watch her suffer again... I-I knew she wouldn't leave me behind... a-and I thought... I thought maybe this way she would escape from all this... that she would be safe..."_

_ I could feel my heart breaking for the young sorceress. I thought back to Thanksgiving two years earlier, when I watched Buffy walk away after erasing That Day from her mind; I recalled how much it had hurt to let her go, how long it had taken for the pain of giving up what we'd finally had to stop crippling me... I couldn't imagine having to erase her memory completely. Though we had our share of painful memories, I wouldn't have traded them for anything._

_ I gathered Willow into my arms, and stroked her hair gently as she continued to let her anguish pour out of her, I knew she wouldn't want the others to see her this way, especially not Dawn, it was better to let her finish her mourning here, we could afford to be a bit late. _

_ "Shhh, it's alright," I soothed, "You did the right thing, it was very selfless of you."_

_ She simply buried herself deeper into my chest, and the tears continued._

_ "You did the right thing."_

* * *

**So I've never written Gunn before, hence why I unfortunately chose to off him in the flashbacks so soon... I was worried the more he appeared, the more evident it would be that I have no idea how to write him, hahaha. Don't worry, that's not the last you'll see of him though!**

**As for Tara; as much as the Willow's-addicted-to-magic storyline was probably the only part of S6 that I liked, it was just too much going on to try and incorporate it into this story. I decided instead to give her a chance to redeem herself. It actually made me really sad to write it!**

**I'm going to try and post another chapter mid-week to make up for missing last weekend.**

**Please review!**


	9. Chapter 8: Unearthed

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Sorry I didn't get around to posting another chapter this past week like I mentioned I was going to try to, ended up being a pretty hectic week work-wise and I was just too exhausted at the end of the day to try and edit.  
Anyway, I now have up to chapter 10 edited and uploaded on here, so just keep your fingers crossed that I have enough time over the next two weeks to go through more chapters!

* * *

Chapter 8: Unearthed

The rest of the week following the meeting in the Magic Box had unravelled rather uneventfully. We'd seen no other trace of the Valkesch demon, which had put the others at ease, however, I still feared it had already found what it was looking for, and was on its way back to Wolfram & Hart with the scroll. My calls to check-in with the gang back in L.A. had revealed that they hadn't discovered anything either, but I couldn't help the grim feeling that hung over me. I suppose perhaps that was the cost of knowing what the future held.

The only thing it seemed I had to be thankful for at the moment, was that things with Buffy had been slowly repairing themselves. Patrols were becoming less and less awkward, and it seemed that even just in the short time that had passed, she was beginning to act more like her old self around me. I wasn't around the rest of the group nearly enough to gauge her behaviour the rest of the time, but it encouraged me to see that she was making a bit of progress.

As we wandered deeper into the cemetery, the silence was now comfortable, instead of awkward or painful. If it wasn't for the impending doom that I knew wasn't so far off in the horizon, I would have gone as far as to say it was almost a pleasant evening.

"You know," Buffy began, "I'm starting to feel bad that I'm keeping you away from L.A. for so long."

"It's not a big deal, really," I assured her, "I've been checking in with them, and they have everything under control. There hasn't really been anything they've had to handle that wasn't run-of-the-mill."

"Are you sure? Because I know it's been a few years, but I still have trouble picturing Cordelia successfully fighting demons," she chuckled.

"She's changed a lot, I think you'd be surprised," I grinned.

"So you keep saying, but I think I'll have to see it to believe it."

"You know, I may even go as far as to say you two would get along nowadays."

"Angel, I haven't gotten used enough to you making jokes yet for you to say things like that." she smirked.

I chuckled, "Seriously though, they're doing fine without me. Don't worry."

"I can't help it," she shrugged, "I think maybe the whole legal-guardian thing has stirred up some sort of maternal instinct in me, I worry about things I know I shouldn't."

"How are things with Dawn, anyway?" I asked, hoping to change the subject. The less she asked about everything back in Los Angeles, the fewer lies I would have to concoct for why I was staying for so long.

Buffy sighed, "We have our days. I try to remember how I felt at fifteen, to maybe get some of her perspective on things... but then I remember that I was killing vampires and burning down gymnasiums, so... not the best source of reference."

I smiled sympathetically, for two sisters who both had such abnormal adolescences, it was sad they couldn't find some common ground.

"Maybe it's just 'cause I'm older now looking back, but I don't remember being such a brat." she seethed.

"You weren't." I agreed hastily, "Not that Dawn is all that bad... I mean... she's..." I rambled, feeling that I'd unintentionally insulted Dawn.

Buffy laughed quietly, "Smooth."

"I'm sorry. I wish I could be more help, but it's been a very long time since I was a teenager."

"Can you even remember that far back?" she teased.

"It's a little hazy, to be honest." I smirked.

She smiled back at me, a small gesture that almost made my heart flutter. Given her state of being over the past couple of weeks, just that small indication that she could feel happiness was enough to warm my heart.

I wasn't given more time to dwell on the improvements in Buffy's mental health, however, as the faint sounds of something shuffling through the grass nearby caught my attention. I stopped in my tracks to listen more closely for a direction.

"What is it?" Buffy whispered, halting at my side and pulling out a stake.

"There's something through the trees... this way," I silently lead her towards the gathering of trees, and in the cover of their shadowy leaves we peered deeper into the cemetery.

A few mere paces away, we discovered the Valkesch, weaving through the tombstones. Not knowing it was being watched or pursued, it moved at a normal pace.

"What's it doing out here?" Buffy whispered, "Whitlock's crypt isn't even in this cemetery."

"Maybe it didn't find what it was looking for last time," I suggested quietly, "Let's tail it."

Beside me, Buffy nodded, and we slowly fell into step behind the demon, hanging back far enough as to not be detected. It travelled further and further into the darkness of the cemetery, to the point where the city's streetlights no longer reached us.

I suddenly felt Buffy grope for my hand, and realized she was having trouble seeing in the pitch black. I clutched her hand tightly in my own, trying my best to ignore the tingle that shot up my arm as soon as our skin made contact. Now especially was not the time to let my emotions distract me, although I found it difficult not to dwell on the fact that to me, this was the first time we'd had any physical contact in a hundred years. I struggled to keep my eyes forward, and follow where the demon was heading, all I wanted to do was turn and crush Buffy's body to my own. Her hand felt exactly the same slipped inside my palm as I'd remembered, and it left me wanting more after so many years of longing to touch her just one more time.

Battling my urges, I didn't really notice where the Valkesch was heading as it skirted around a large church, and into an alley behind it.

It was then that Buffy stopped dead in her tracks, and her grip on my hand tightened significantly, tugging me back towards her.

I turned back to her, and discovered her frozen in fear. Her eyes were wide in horror, and I heard a breath catch in her throat. "What is it?" I asked.

"This... this is how you get into the church." she whispered.

Of course. I felt foolish for not realizing where we were headed, but now that she'd reminded me, it only made sense. The Master's lair, the church that Whitlock had built, lay underneath this city block.

"We need to keep going Buffy," I said gently, "Will you be okay?"

Trying her best to bury her fear, she merely nodded , and let me lead her into the alley.

~0~

Once we were underground, we moved much more slowly. With the Master being long dead, there were no longer any candles to light the way through the church, so Buffy continued to clutch my hand blindly as I led her through the cavernous hallways.

Up ahead, I began to hear some scuffling, and as we drew nearer, I could see a faint light coming from a room up ahead. As silently as we could, we approached the doorway, and peered into the main room of the old church. The dim light was coming from a sole candelabra that had been lit near the far end of the room, and behind it a shadow moved along the back wall. The scuffling we'd heard in the hallway now sounded more like someone digging and chipping away at the stone, and we crept along the wall next to the door, trying our best to stay in the darkness as we tried to get a closer look at what the Valkesch was doing.

Suddenly, the shadow straightened, and directly behind the candelabra the Valkesch reappeared clutching something in its hands. I could barely see it in the darkness as it turned to face us, but I was still certain of what I saw; it was a scroll. Old and weathered, and sealed with wax so aged it was blackened. I froze in fear, knowing full well what I was staring at, but Buffy sprang into action as the demon's eyes fell on us. She charged towards it, but it was too late, the Valkesch charged her at full speed, a blur of blueish mauve, sending her flying through the air and causing her to land winded on her back. Without slowing down it was then out the door, and out of sight.

I rushed towards Buffy, and helped her to a sitting position as she sputtered and gasped for air.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

She coughed and nodded in response, and I offered her my hand. She took it, and I pulled her to her feet. Looking towards the door, she scowled after the demon, "What's he got to be in such a hurry for?" she wheezed.

"He had the scroll." I muttered, moving towards the back of the church where it sounded like the creature had been digging.

There was a moment of stunned silence before Buffy answered, "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"But... it was moving so fast, how did you see?"

"It had the scroll in its hand, I know what I saw."

Buffy began to move slowly towards me, once she was close enough, she picked up the large stand with the candelabra, and brought it with her to the back wall where I stood, gazing down at the ground.

At the base of the wall, where it met the floor, a hole had been chiseled out of the stone. It was about a foot and a half wide, and the same in height. Sitting on the floor was a small wooden box, opened, and empty. Buffy placed the candelabra beside her, and bent down to pick up the box.

"Well, it found something," she murmured.

"We should go to Giles'. He needs to know." I stated.

"Maybe... maybe it was a decoy..." Buffy suggested weakly, "I mean, a crappy wooden box in the wall? Hardly a hiding place for a weapon of the apocalypse!"

"The more unassuming, the less likely someone who stumbles across it will think it's something of value. Let's go see Giles."

Nodding sombrely, Buffy tucked the box underneath her arm, and followed me out of the church.

If I needed to avert the apocalypse in order to save Buffy, I'd already failed.

~0~

We sat across from Giles as the silence hung thick in the air. His eyes kept flickering between us, and the empty wooden box that now sat on his coffee table. His brow was deeply furrowed, and he'd already removed his glasses twice to rub his temples, and clean his glasses before replacing them on his nose.

"Angel, could you describe the scroll to me again..." he murmured grimly.

"Old wooden dowels, very weathered paper or parchment... and I definitely saw multiple wax seals. The Valkesch had its hands over it, so I could tell how many but..." I trailed off as Giles nodded.

"I'm afraid I have a bad feeling about this." he mused.

"So do I," I agreed. I didn't turn to look at Buffy, but I could feel the tension radiating off of her. I was sure it was no help to the healing process to see the horrified looks on both Giles' and my faces, but this was serious, I didn't see how we could hide it.

"Giles, I thought you said the Valkesch were peaceful... why are we freaking out?" she asked quietly. She was uneasy, I'm sure it was disconcerting for her to see me, with the amount of things I'd seen and done, troubled by something that could be so insignificant. Her last brush with an apocalyptic event had taken her life, and this one seemed to be on an even larger scale.

"Regardless of the Valkesch's intentions," Giles began, "Having an artifact with such powers loose in the world is a tremendously frightening thought."

"Not to mention, we don't know if the Valkesch are being used by someone else; someone who's plans may be a lot more sinister." I added.

"Precisely," Giles muttered, staring down at the box once more.

"Well, then we just have to find where these Valkesch are hiding out, and steal the scroll back!" Buffy exclaimed, rising from her seat, "This is Sunnydale after all, they can't be very far! What does that book say about them?"

"That may not be as easy as you think Buffy," I replied, "You saw how quickly they move, it would be next to impossible-" I began.

"So that's it? They're too fast, they could be working for a big evil, blah, blah, blah, and you're both willing to just sit on your hands while they start an apocalypse?" Buffy interrupted, "I'm really happy you weren't this depressing when we met Giles, I wouldn't have lasted a day!" she turned to me, "And you! Is this how you save souls in L.A.?"

I snapped my mouth shut, and stared quietly at her as she rested her hands on her hips defiantly. There was a fire and determination in her eyes that I hadn't seen there since I'd arrived back here in Sunnydale. I suddenly felt like I was staring at the Buffy who rallied her graduating high school class together to take down a Mayor-turned-giant-snake. The Buffy who would never take "no" as an answer, and would do whatever it took to win.

I turned to Giles, who looked about as floored as I did. A hint of a smile twitched on his lips, as admiration filled his eyes. "You're absolutely right, Buffy," he answered, rising from his seat, "I'll continue researching tonight. If I discover anything, I'll call you tomorrow."

Buffy nodded, "Good. See, we're making a plan! That's how we keep the world from ending! Now, I'm gonna go home to get some sleep, and make sure Dawn's actually studying like she promised me she would."

My knees were blocking her path between the couch and the coffee table, she stepped over them, and marched towards the front door. Before disappearing around the corner, she stopped and turned back, "Meet me at the Magic Box tomorrow?" she asked me.

I simply nodded, and she disappeared out the door with a smile.

Giles stared after her for a few seconds before turning back to me, "It's like night and day..." he muttered, "She's got passion again, she's not just fighting on instinct."

"She's doing a lot better Giles, I think it was just a matter of giving her some time to adjust," it was really just a matter of her knowing she wasn't keeping her secret alone, but he didn't need to know that.

"I'm sure having you here did help though," Giles continued, "She does... she does draw some strength from having you around..." he added hesitantly.

I smiled sadly, I knew it was hard for Giles to admit that anything I ever did - aside from leave - helped Buffy. If he'd known what I did caused for her in the end, however, he would have never uttered those words.

"I'm sorry you've been dragged into this situation, Angel. I'm sure you have things you should be attending to back in Los Angeles," he apologized.

"It's nothing Giles, really," I assured him, as I rose from my seat to leave, "You know I'd do anything to make sure Buffy stays safe."

~0~

The next day I was on the phone with L.A. Again. With the speed at which the Valkesch could move, I was certain if Wolfram & Hart had sent it here looking for the scroll it would already be back at the firm. My gang needed to be alert, and perhaps they could stop this from going any further. I wasn't having any luck getting any information from Cordelia however, as she was far too involved in re-telling how the latest case had ruined yet more of her clothing.

"And _then_," she punctuated, "I fell into this stinky pool of disgusting, gooey, demon slime because I tried to push the stupid girl out of the way! I was in the shower _all_ night! I'm pretty sure I still smell, but Wes and Gunn are too nice to admit it."

I sighed, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if the world ended, at least I wouldn't have to pay the water bill for the Hyperion, "I'm sorry you got all smelly Cordy,"

"You don't have to be sorry Angel! I just wanted you to know how hard we're all working while you're not here!"

"And I appreciate it, I really do, but look, did Wes find anything about that demon? The Valkesch?" I pressed, hoping to get the conversation back on topic.

"That creepy looking purple thing you told Gunn about? No, we haven't seen any. What kind of a colour is _purple _for a demon anyway? I mean it's not very intimidating." Cordelia rambled.

"They're usually peaceful demons, they keep to themselves... but that's not important, listen, I'm worried Wolfram & Hart might be using their abilities to get something. I need you all to do whatever you can to get any inside information about any sort of plans they have." I explained.

"Sure... but what are we looking for?" Cordelia asked.

"It's a scroll, a very dangerous one. They can't get their hands on it or the consequences could be dire."

"You've been hanging out with Giles a lot haven't you? You're starting to talk like him."

"Cordy!"

She sighed, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry... Sunnydale! Blech! It brings out the worst in me!" she was quiet for a moment, "What kind of a scroll? What does it do?"

"Basically... it ends the world." I confessed.

She sighed again, "I shouldn't have even asked."

"If you uncover anything, call me right away." I begged.

"If this is so apocalyptic, why can't you come back to deal with it?" she asked, there was fear, not frustration, colouring her voice.

"We're just making sure it's not still in Sunnydale... plus there are other things I need to deal with." I lied.

"Other, Buffy-type things you need to deal with?" she asked, a little exasperated.

"I can't drag her into this Cordy, she-"

"I know Angel." she assured me.

"If I come back now, she'll follow me... and she's not ready to deal with something like this."

She would also end up dead, but there would be no convincing Cordelia that I knew that for a fact. Although I risked having my friends judge me, I knew there was no way I could run back to Los Angeles now, not until I had determined a way to keep Buffy safe.

"I said I understand Angel. We'll call when we know something,"

"Thank you Cordy."

I hung up the phone, and lowered myself onto the edge of the hearth. It would be hard to hide the real reason why I couldn't go back to L.A. from my team while I continued to check in on the state of things over there. They could be in serious danger, I couldn't stay here and let them die.

However, as long as I was here, Buffy would be safe.

~0~

_ The fire crackled_ _behind me as I sat perched on the edge of the mansion hearth. Nothing but the glow of the flames illuminated the room. I had no need or desire for light. The light of my life had be extinguished... her light had been extinguished. If I could have just sat in that one place, in the shadows, for the rest of my days it would have sufficed._

_ I glanced down once more at the photo clutched between my fingertips, and a pang of longing shot through me. Initially, I'd felt bad about looking through Buffy's belongings. Even though she no longer needed them, it seemed like an invasion of her privacy. _

_ That was, until I'd come across this._

_ In the wake of Spike's confession, and after a valiant attempt to get Dawn to unlock her door and let me in so I could comfort her, I found myself sitting alone in Buffy's room, unable to face the now shell-shocked gathering of her friends downstairs. I ran my hand over her bedspread, the room felt as empty as the rest of the house did without her in it. Rising slowly I crossed to her vanity, studying her smiling face in the photographs sitting on top of its surface. _

_ I would give anything to see her smile like that one last time._

_ Looking down, I noticed one of the drawers hadn't been closed completely. Pausing, with my fingers lightly wrapped around the pull, I asked myself what I thought I was doing? Whatever Buffy had in those drawers was none of my business, but as though my arm was not connected to my brain it pulled the drawer open anyway, where I discovered sitting on top of some discarded cosmetics, a stake, and a comb; Sonnets from the Portuguese by Elisabeth Barrett Browning._

_ I felt tears prick behind my eyes as I reached into the drawer to lift out the small volume I'd given her just over three years ago. I didn't know how it made me feel, the fact that she'd kept it. Part of me was thrilled, that despite the fact she'd moved on, been with other men, she still had it somewhere close at hand. The other part of me was screaming in despair, cursing whatever Powers there were for taking her away from me when we could've had another chance. I blinked away the tears, no amount of weeping would bring her back._

_ I begun to fan through the pages quickly, when the book fell open to a page near the middle, where a folded piece of photo paper had been stuffed in the margin. Plucking it gently from inside the book, I placed it back inside the drawer, before unfolding the photograph; if I'd been breathing, I'm certain it would have been knocked out of my chest as my eyes fell on the image in my hands._

_ It was a candid shot, from the looks of it, taken from far enough away that we wouldn't have known there was a camera on us. Buffy's eyes were closed, her head resting gently on my chest, our hands clasped together. She was wearing a silky pink gown, her hair half-up, pinned at the nape of her neck. I was dressed in a tuxedo, my eyes closed as well, with my chin resting lightly atop her head._

_ It was her prom._

_ I had been careful to stay away from anyone with a camera, and Buffy hadn't seemed to mind. Even though I'd known it had meant a great deal to her that I had shown up, I didn't want to ruin her memories of the evening by having her flip through photos, and be reminded that I'd left town a few short weeks later. I supposed I hadn't been as vigilant as I'd thought._

_ My hands began to shake as I continued to stare at the picture. We looked so wrapped up in each other; so comfortable, and completely oblivious that there was even anyone in the room aside from ourselves. It was the way it always seemed to be with Buffy, the world could be burning around us, but all I would see would be her... I remember she once told me that when she looked to the future, all she saw was me – at the time I thought it was just her adolescence talking, the fact that slaying had her living day to day like it could be her last. I knew looking at the weathered photograph, the crease through the middle beginning to turn white from being opened and refolded so many times that it wasn't the case. In going to L.A. I'd pushed any thoughts of a future with Buffy to the back of my mind, but I could admit to myself now that I'd never truly let go of them. It seemed that neither had she._

_ I slipped the picture into the breast pocket of my jacket, and guilt I'd previously felt at sifting through her belongings had been forgotten by the immense amount of loss that had swelled up inside me. I exited the room, descended the steps, and strode out the front door without even looking to the gathering in the living room. No one even acknowledged I'd left, or tried to stop me, and I didn't care._

_ I'd returned immediately to the Mansion to sit in the dark, which is exactly where Cordelia found me an hour later, still perched on the hearth._

_ She slipped silently through the front door, and closed it slowly, as though she were trying not to disturb me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her remove her heels, and gather them in her hand before tip-toeing across the cold stone floor of the mansion towards the fireplace. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in staring at the photograph, I would have found it endearing that she was trying so hard to be quiet._

_ She slid onto the hearth next to me, her head bowed, and took a pause before she spoke, "Dawn's calmed down. Tara finally managed to get her to open her bedroom door." she whispered, "I thought you'd be relieved to hear..."_

_ I merely nodded in response, never taking my eyes off the photograph._

_ She was quiet again for a beat, and I could see that her knuckles were white as she clutched her shoes, "How... how long have you known?"_

_ Without even asking, I knew she was talking about the bombshell Spike had dropped on everyone just a few hours earlier. "Since we met up to talk for the first time after she came back." I muttered, "She made me swear I wouldn't tell."_

_ Cordelia nodded almost imperceptibly, "Terrible..." _

_ I wasn't sure I would have heard her if not for my heightened sense of hearing._

_ She turned her head slightly, and her eyes finally fell on the picture between my hands. She smiled sadly, "Where did you find that?"_

_ "Buffy's room." I admitted._

_ "Willow snapped it when the two of you weren't paying attention," Cordelia recounted, "She thought you guys looked so peaceful, and said you two deserved to have at least one happy memory..."_

_ She trailed off, or I'd stopped paying attention to her words, I couldn't decide. The absolute despair I'd kept punching down further and further inside myself since she'd passed began to rise up again. I swiftly folded the picture, forcing myself to look away from the image of the woman I'd never again get to hold, when I noticed Cordelia was quietly shaking with sobs beside me._

_ "Cordy?" I asked softly, placing a comforting hand on her back._

_ "I'm sorry Angel, I'm so sorry..." she wept._

_ "Don't be. There's nothing you could've done. She knew the risks of being the Slayer, we all knew we could lose her -"_

_ "No!" she interrupted, as a sob hitched in her chest, "It was my fault... she was there because of me..." she whimpered._

_ I searched her face, the guilt in her eyes was immense, "I don't understand..."_

_ "She came to L.A. because I called her." Cordelia whispered, "The vision I had... the one with the white horse and the Wolfram & Hart building?"_

_ "Yes..." I nodded, still unsure of what she was trying to tell me._

_ She sniffled, "That wasn't all I saw."_

_ Dread began to wash over me, part of me was afraid of what she would say next, "What else did you see?"_

_ "I saw them all," she admitted tearfully, "War, Famine, Death... they were there too. And then..." she paused and sucked in a shaky breath, "and then I saw you die."_

_ I was beginning to see the whole picture now. My shoulders slumped, as the real circumstances behind Buffy's surprise arrival in L.A. began to weave themselves together in my head. _

_ "And I was too afraid to tell you! Because I knew you would just tell me it was meant to be, and I didn't want you to die!" Cordelia sobbed, "You're my friend and I was so scared for you, so I called her to come help, because I knew she would want to save you as much as I did! But I didn't want her to die, I didn't think she would die! She's Buffy for Christ sakes!"_

_ "Shhh, it's okay Cordy, it's not your fault," I soothed._

_ "I didn't want her to die again..." she cried._

_ "Shhh," I repeated, as I drew her closer to my side, and rubbed her back as she continued to sob. It really was my fault. Every last detail leading up to Buffy's death was caused because of me, if I had not already been swimming in guilt, I certainly was now._

_ In my free hand, I crumpled the photograph, and threw it into the flames behind me._

_ Buffy had deserved to hang on to that peaceful memory._

_ I, on the other hand, did not._

* * *

**So there you have it; the strange looks between Buffy and Cordy weren't because there was something going on between Cordelia and Angel! Maybe the crying and blaming herself is a bit out of character, but I like to think she's evolved as a person, and her friendship with Angel is strong enough that she would possibly feel guilty for something like this even if it wasn't merited. Not to mention that I've been trying really hard while writing this to look at the characters from Angel's perspective instead of my own as a viewer. I think people see different sides of one another depending on what type of relationship you have with them. I feel like with how their friendship has evolved, she'd be more willing to be a bit vulnerable in his presence than she would with others. **

**Backtracking a bit now, I know where I placed the old church is completely inaccurate, but f*ck it, this is fanfiction... I'll do what I want with Sunnydale's layout (within reason of course, and only if I can't really remember what it's really supposed to look like...)!**

**Please review!**


	10. Chapter 9: Reflections

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: As always, a big thanks to everyone who took the time to review.  
So as I'm sure some of you may have noticed I've gone and changed the rating of this story to M (if anyone had trouble finding it, sorry!). Maybe I'm being overly cautious, but I feel like this story is sort of straddling the line between T and M, and I figured it would be safer to bump up the rating than end up with it removed. I'm fully aware teenagers are probably way more desensitized than I was way back when, but that doesn't mean I have to contribute to it, hahaha. At any rate, I doubt anyone in the 13-14 year old age range is reading this (feel free to prove me wrong). Okay, I'll stop rambling now and let you get to the story.

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Chapter 9: Reflections

The bell chimed over my head as I stepped through the door into the Magic Box, and a middle aged woman breezed past me as I stepped away from the door. She seemed to be the last customer in the shop, as I moved deeper into the small store, to find only Anya standing behind the register, and Xander lounging at the large conference table in the centre of the room.

"Buffy called a few minutes ago," Anya said, "She's running late."

Xander didn't say a word, he only glared at me silently as I drew closer.

I nodded to the former demon, "Thanks."

Much to my discomfort, she disappeared into the back of the shop, leaving me alone with the young man who hadn't made even the slightest effort over the past six years to hide his disdain for me. I could feel his eyes burning holes in the back of my head as I sauntered around the shop, glancing at a few book titles, or studying a few vials of strange ingredients. I thought perhaps he'd matured enough to simply indulge me with some uncomfortable silence until either Anya reemerged from the backstore, or Buffy arrived; it seemed however, that I was mistaken.

"So!" he began, his tone was chipper, but I knew it was forced, "How much longer are you planning on hanging around Sunnydale?"

I shrugged, and glanced briefly towards him before turning my attention back to the bookshelf in front of me, "I'm not sure. I thought I'd at least stay until this business with the scroll is sorted out."

"Right! The scary apocalyptic scroll... that just happens to surface the same time you show up in town."

This time I did turn to glare at the boy, I wasn't sure what he was insinuating, but I was certain that I didn't like it, "What's that supposed to mean?" I questioned.

"Nothing. I just find it ironic how everything is quiet, then suddenly a few short weeks after you turn up something uber scary is hanging over our heads again." Xander scoffed.

"You think I had something to do with this?" I barked.

"No, I just think you're bad luck." he seethed, narrowing his eyes at me.

We glared at each other silently for a few moments. Though normally Xander was all talk and no action, he didn't break his gaze. As insolent and immature as he still was, it seemed like he'd finally grown a pair.

"Face it _Angel_," he spat my name with such venom that I had to bite back a growl, "You've never done anything other than complicate Buffy's life, and from the looks of it, things aren't about to change now."

"You know what Xander?" I sighed, "If it'll make things easier on you, just pretend that I'm not here." I wasn't about to fuel his jealous rage, or whatever it had metamorphosed into.

He scoffed, "You know what would be easier than trying to pretend you weren't here? If you _actually_ weren't here!"

I made no effort to suppress the growl that rumbled in my chest as I stalked towards the table. Stopping behind the chair across from where Xander sat, I gripped the backrest with white knuckles and leaned towards him menacingly, "Listen; You don't like me. I know, I get it. But I care about Buffy as much as the rest of you do, and I'm just trying to make sure she's doing alright."

Xander's lip curled in a sneer, and he leaned closer to me, with his elbows resting on the tabletop, "She was doing just fine until you showed up."

I chuckled humourlessly, "Really? That's not exactly how Giles tells things."

"Well at least she wasn't all closed-off and brooding! All you ever do is hurt her, so if you really cared about her, you'd leave before you do any more damage!"

"Right, cause you guys did her a world of good by leaving her to claw her way out of a grave!" I roared.

I could see Xander's jaw tense as he slowly sat back in his chair. He averted his eyes to the ground, and I could tell he was searching for words.

"Did it ever cross your mind that maybe all her strange behaviour was from the spell you cast?" I hissed. I knew they had Buffy's best intentions at heart when they'd made the decision to try and resurrect her, and I had no desire to reveal something that Buffy had been trying so hard to conceal, but I couldn't help the tiny amount of rage that had surfaced towards her friends. As quickly as Willow had picked up magic, I knew toying with life and death was something an amateur should never attempt. It was hard not to believe that Buffy was back in one piece partly due to sheer luck.

"Willow knew what she was doing..." Xander mumbled.

"Did she?!" I asked, he gave no response, "Because I can't help thinking that if you were all as prepared as you seem to think you were, Buffy wouldn't have woken up scared, and alone, and in a box six feet underground."

Again, I was answered only with silence.

"I _have_ hurt her," I continued, "I know I have, but I think right now we're about on par... I guess we're lucky that Buffy's a forgiving person."

The chair scraped against the floor as Xander pushed himself away from the table and rose to his feet, "I think I'll go see if Anya needs any help in the back." he said quietly, and stalked away, disappearing behind the register.

I watched him go, in slight dismay, before pulling out the chair that I still clutched in my hands and sinking into it. It was hard to believe after a conversation such as this one, that Xander had been one to extend the olive branch at Buffy's funeral.

~0~

_"Needed to escape too?"_

_ I turned back towards the house to discover Xander sauntering towards me, his feet dragging over the grass of Buffy's back yard as though he didn't have the will to lift them completely. _

_ "Felt like getting some air." I replied. In truth, I simply felt out of place. There were people here who had no idea what Buffy did, Willow had explained that they were from some place called the DoubleMeat Palace... a fast food restaurant where Buffy had taken a job. I couldn't decide what was worse; having her gone or thinking of her stuck in such a miserable place for eight hours a day. Regardless, I'd grown tired of strangers approaching me, asking how I'd known her, and saying it was 'such a shame' she was gone; because I couldn't tell them the truth._

_ I couldn't tell these strangers that for the past six years she'd been the most important thing in my world, that I'd loved her with every fibre of my being, that I had to restrain myself every day from running out into the sunlight and ending my miserable Buffy-less existence. No, instead I was telling them I was an old friend, or an old colleague... the lies had left a bitter taste in my mouth._

_ "Ironic considering you don't breathe." Xander chuckled._

_ I glanced towards him, but didn't find his humour amusing._

_ He frowned, and stuffed his hands into his pockets with a sigh, "Man, I can't wait for these DoubleMeat Jerks to leave... I mean, it's nice they came I guess... but I wish it was just us close friends, you know?"_

_ "Yeah..." I muttered._

_ "I'm having trouble keeping my lies straight... it's too much to think about on top of..." he trailed off with another sigh, and I could've sworn I saw his lower lip tremble slightly. _

_ "I know what you mean," I groaned, "And if I hear one more person tell me that 'she was such a nice girl' I might rip someone's head off"_

_ Xander eyed me uneasily._

_ "Not yours, don't worry."_

_ "Well, I am the closest in proximity, just thought I would make sure." he joked._

_ We fell into an awkward silence. As far as people I wanted to have a heart-to-heart conversation with, Xander ranked pretty low on the list. I'd say he was sandwiched somewhere between Lindsey MacDonald and Spike, but I'd always tried to be civil for her sake._

_ "Listen, Angel," Xander began finally, "I've been doing a lot of thinking... in light of what happened..."_

_ I braced myself as I waited for him to continue. I knew it was only a matter of time before her friends started berating me, cursing me for being the reason she'd been in Los Angeles fighting._

_ "... and I wanted to say I'm sorry."_

_ My head snapped towards him, shock written clearly on my features. _

_ "I know we never got along, and it was mostly my fault... I was a stupid jealous teenager, and the girl of my dreams chose you over me... then there was that whole turning-evil thing – which I've come to realize wasn't your fault – then the fact that even after the whole evil episode Buffy was still willing to trust you. I'll blame it on raging hormones, but it pissed me off. I never really gave you a chance, and I'm sorry."_

_ I simply stared at him blankly. I was almost convinced I was imagining this conversation, that perhaps the grief had finally caused me to lose my mind._

_ "I should have realized that if Buffy loved you that much, you couldn't have been that bad of a guy." Xander continued._

_ "It's alright Xander, really." I finally managed to stammer._

_ He shrugged, "I figured you'd say that, but I just wanted you to know anyway."_

_ I nodded, "Well... thank you. Really."_

_ "Anyway, like I was saying... I was just thinking in light of everything that happened – in light of everything that is happening, that maybe we could let bygones be bygones?"_

_ I looked down, to see Xander's hand extended towards me, and despite the shock, I reached out to shake it. As surreal as the situation felt, it was slightly uplifting to have yet another person to lean on, someone who could understand the loss I felt._

_ With a sad smile, Xander finally dropped my hand, "Man, I hope Buffy can see us now!"_

_ I returned the forlorn smile, "Me too,"_

_ "You want to go back inside?" he asked, taking a couple of steps back towards the house._

_ "Sure... just give me a minute." I replied._

_ With a nod, Xander turned, crossed the lawn, and after hopping up the porch steps disappeared inside once more._

_ I watched him go, shaking my head in disbelief. After he was gone, I looked back up to the sky, and wondered if Buffy had seen the exchange._

_ It eased my hurt a little to think that if she had, she would be proud of us._

~0~

Being so deeply engrossed in thought, I hadn't even noticed Buffy had arrived until she was standing practically in front of me. Her head was cocked to one side, and her hands on her hips as she surveyed me with her face scrunched in confusion.

"You look a lot more mopey than usual, what gives?" she quipped.

"Nothing!" I answered hastily, shooting out of the chair, and attempting to mask the frustration on my face.

She narrowed her eyes at me, "Really?"

"Really."

I could tell from her expression that she didn't believe me, but she let it slide anyway, "If you say so," she sighed, "Anyway, we should get going. Giles said the Valkesch like to live in damp environments, so I think we've got a lot of sewer to canvas tonight."

"Sure, lets get going then," I agreed, hoping perhaps we could sneak out of the Magic Box before Xander and Anya returned.

It seemed I would not be so lucky however, as the faint sounds of bickering began to float from the back room.

"Your bad mood better not affect us having sex later!" I could hear Anya exclaim.

"An! Shhh!" Xander chidded.

"What?!" Anya appeared suddenly in the doorway to the backstore, and looked out to us, a look of slight shock on her face, "Oh! You're still here." she turned to Xander, "Is that why you wanted me to be quiet? Because Buffy knows we have sex, and I'm sure Angel can put two and two together."

I would've found Anya's bluntness more amusing, if it hadn't been for the murderous glare Xander was shooting in my direction. "We were just about to leave." I replied, turning back to Buffy who was shaking her head in what seemed to be exasperation.

"That's good, because I was just about to lock up!"Anya announced.

"Be careful, Buff." Xander called, as Buffy and I turned towards the door. His tone was gruff, and the words sounded more like a warning than encouragement, but Buffy didn't seem to notice.

"Have a good night you two," she called over her shoulder.

As she pulled open the door, I cast one last look behind me at Xander and Anya. He was helping her put her coat on, as she muttered something under her breath that made him chuckle. As she turned back around to face him I could see all the tension he'd been holding during our heated exchange melt from his body. He grinned, and lightly brushed his knuckles over her cheek.

I slipped out the door after Buffy, leaving Xander and Anya behind in the quiet of the Magic Box, and wishing that seeing such a tender exchange could have brought back something other than painful memories for me.

~0~

_I dove around a corner, pulling Cordelia and Dawn with me, as a deafening roar echoed through the cave and flames suddenly shot through the passageway we'd been standing in moments ago, singeing the stone walls black._

_ "Tempestas!" I heard Willow shout, and suddenly heavy rain began to fall in sheets inside the cave, and as the roar sounded again, it was accompanied only by hissing and steam._

_ "Come on!" I commanded, stepping ahead of Cordelia and Dawn, out into the cavern we'd ducked out of just moments ago. _

_ Once we'd emerged again, I could see our latest roadblock gnashing its teeth dangerously as it slowly stalked closer and closer to Willow. She stood facing it, her hand raised above her head, a giant ball of crackling energy swirling between them. Wesley, Giles, Xander, and Anya stood beside her, throwing large rocks at our newest foe._

_ I had told them that the yawning cave we'd happened across as we continued up the coast had been too good to be true, but they had begged and pleaded to stop and rest. We hadn't stopped moving since losing Gunn in the sewers, and even without the sun to help me keep track, I knew it had already been three days. I forgot sometimes that they were all human, that though I could go for days without sleep, they could not, and so I indulged them. At first, the cave had seemed ideal, it had been empty when we first ventured into it, but mere hours later, its usual inhabitant had returned, and the monstrous, scaly, fire-breathing dragon had not been thrilled about having uninvited guests in its nest._

_ Having the only remaining weapon, I charged forward, my sword raised to attack, when Willow stopped me._

_ "Wait!" she shouted, and I turned back to her just in time to duck a rogue hunk of stone thrown by Anya._

_ "Sorry!" she shouted, before dashing behind Xander to pick up another._

_ Willow's eyes were glowing brightly as she focused up at the orb spinning between her hands, it was both impressive and terrifying, "I can stun it with this long enough for us to run past it to the entrance of the cave!" she explained, "Just help them to keep it from attacking me!"_

_ Still clutching the sword in my hand out of precaution, I bent to pick up a boulder, and hurled it towards the dragons head, it snapped at the rock as it flew past its head, and screeched again. Turning to retrieve another, I saw the Cordelia and Dawn had joined the fight._

_ The annoyance of being pelted with stones, on top of the rain preventing it from using any flame against us had halted the dragon in its tracks. It simply puffed its chest and flapped its wings menacingly as it continued to shriek in frustration._

_ Finally, Willow lowered her hands towards the dragon, and the sphere shot towards the beast, hitting him dead between the eyes. It shrieked even louder, and thrashed back and forth as what looked like long, crackling electrical currents began to incase its body._

_ "Now!" Willow shouted, but Xander had jumped the gun, and had already pushed Anya underneath the creature's twitching wing._

_ As the dragon went limp, the rest of us rushed past it, to discover Xander cradling Anya in his arms, his hand pressed against the middle of her chest, as blood oozed through his fingers. She wasn't moving, and I could tell from the dull glassy look in her eyes that she was no longer with us. Her death had been instantaneous._

_ "An? An? Anya?" Xander whispered, "Wake up! Honey, wake up?!" he shook her gently, but she didn't move._

_ Wesley slowly approached the couple, and took Anya's wrist in his hand checking for a pulse that I already knew he wouldn't find, "What happened?" he asked quietly._

_ "The-the tail..." Xander stammered, "It swung out, and it... it got her..."_

_ I looked behind us where the dragon still lay unconscious. At the end of its long tail were four large spikes, the one closest to the end was covered in blood. It was then that I noticed the reddish hue of the puddle Xander was crouched in, he removed his shaking hand from Anya's chest to reveal a large gaping hole. With a sob he wrapped his arms around her tighter and began to rock her back and forth. I could see there was blood covering the arm of his sleeve, the spike had gone right through her._

_ "I'm so sorry Xander," Wesley whispered, but Xander didn't hear as he continued to cry, his face buried in her hair. He stood, and turned to me with a pleading look on his face._

_ I was frozen in place, a sick feeling had risen in my gut as I watched Xander cling to his dead girlfriend as though it could somehow bring her back. There was something frighteningly familiar about the scene in front of me, and I was afraid it would break my determination. I suddenly felt small hands grab at my jacket, and a face bury itself in my back. Dawn hid behind me, her body trembling, and I knew she was trying not to let anyone see her cry._

_ In my lack of action, Willow had taken it upon herself to slowly move to Xander's side. She knelt next to him with a hand laid gently on his shoulder. "Xander?" she murmured._

_ He didn't even turn to her, he just continued to rock Anya back and forth._

_ "Xander..." Willow repeated, I couldn't see her face, but I could tell from her tone that she was close to tears as well, "Xander my spell won't last much longer, we need to get out of here before it wakes up again,"_

_ "Then go." he replied flatly._

_ There was a moment of silence, and we all visibly stiffened. As if to punctuate the moment, one of Willow's spells wore off and the rain stopped._

_ "Wh-what?" she whispered._

_ "Go. Leave me here." he muttered._

_ Giles stepped forward, fear clearly etched on his face, "We'll take her with us Xander," he said softly, "We'll put her to rest properly." he offered._

_ "No." he sobbed, "I'm done. This is it for me, I don't want to keep going!"_

_ "Xander!" Willow cried._

_ "We can't win!" he shouted, "How many people have we lost already?!" he looked to each of us, but no one dared to speak, "This will only get worse, and worse, and you know what? I don't want to be around to see it."_

_ "You don't mean that Xander... we'll be out of California soon enough, and then we can catch a flight out of North America, regroup, maybe find something to stop all-" Willow rambled until Xander cut her off._

_ "You go then, I believe in you Will, but I've gone far enough." _

_ "No! No, no, no! Xander..." she whimpered, "You're my best friend!"_

_ "Then let me do this, please Will? I'm tired." he begged._

_ I detached myself from Dawn and pushed her gently towards Cordelia who was watching the entire exchange with a hand pressed over her mouth. She reached out her other arm and slid it protectively around Dawn's shoulder as I approached the two friends. I knew a broken man when I saw one, and I knew it would take a lot of convincing to get him to change his mind. As I stopped a few paces in front of him he looked up at me with haunted eyes. The sick feeling in my gut grew as I noticed the hint of understanding and recognition in his expression. "Don't give up Xander, you know that Anya, and everyone else we've lost wouldn't want you to do that."_

_ "Angel..." Cordelia whispered._

_ I looked behind Xander to see the end of the dragon's tail twitching._

_ A sense of urgency began to fill my being as I turned my attention back to Xander, "Until we know for sure that this has spread across the rest of the world we have no reason to give up."_

_ As tears continued to pour down Xander's face, he just kept staring at me quietly._

_ I heard a snort come from the dragon's still motionless form._

_ "Xander, we don't have much more time, let me help you." I begged._

_ He finally shook his head, "I can't." he whispered quietly._

_ "You can. It hurts like hell, I know, but you can."_

_ "I can't. I'm not as strong as you are. I'm sorry."_

_ I stared at the younger man in complete shock, there was no malice or sarcasm in his voice. His statement was completely genuine, "Yes you are."_

_ He shook his head, "Just let me do what you won't let yourself."_

_ I didn't have time to respond as a low growl rumbled through the cave._

_ "It's waking up! Xander please!" Willow begged._

_ He didn't answer, he simply turned his attention back to cradling Anya._

_ "Don't ignore me Alexander Harris! I'm not leaving you here!" she screamed._

_ A wing flapped slightly._

_ "Talk to me!" she begged._

_ Knowing if we stayed any longer we would all be dead, I pulled Willow to her feet as she wailed in protest, and began to drag her towards the entrance. The others sprinted ahead of me as I grappled Willow out of the cave. Once we emerged back out into the barren outdoors I continued to wrestle with her until I thought we were a safe enough distance that the dragon wouldn't try to chase us. Not that I thought it would, it had two intruders to keep it occupied._

_ Suddenly , as a shriek echoed from the mouth of the cave behind us, Cordelia crumpled to the ground again, her head in her hands. Dawn knelt by her side, a hand on her back until the vision passed. As she straightened and looked to me, I knew what she had seen simply from the expression on her face – Xander was gone._

_ Too caught up with Cordelia's vision, I hadn't even noticed Willow pounding furiously on my chest, or the sounds of her heartbroken sobs._

_ "We need to go back! We have to go back!" she wailed, "How dare you leave him there! He needs us!" she dropped to her knees as I caught her wrists, willing her to stop hitting me._

_ "Willow!" I said forcefully._

_ "Take me back there!" she merely continued to try and wrestle her hands away from me, her sobbing not lessening in intensity._

_ "Willow!" I repeated._

_ Her cries continued, but her attempts to break free grew weaker and weaker._

_ "Willow, look at me." I said firmly but quietly._

_ She finally managed to silence her cries and look to me, there was a fury and desperation in her eyes that I had only seen on rare occasions, it almost frightened me._

_ "He wasn't coming, Willow, there was nothing we could've done." I whispered._

_ She stared at me quietly, searching for a sign that I was lying to her, that I had really just had enough of Xander Harris and wanted him gone, but it wasn't the case. _

_ I saw it in his eyes when he looked at me, that hollow broken expression that I was sure he found mirrored in my own. He'd lost everything; the hope that he could find a way out of this with Anya and start a new life had been the only thing keeping him going, and without her he didn't want it anymore. I understood how all consuming that feeling was, I would have easily given into it if I thought I deserved the sweet release of death._

_ I saw Willow's expression crumble, and her lower lip begin to tremble before she fell into my arms and began sobbing again. It tore at my heart as I thought to how many times I'd held her while she wept recently._

_ Looking around, I saw Wesley standing alone, his head bowed in mourning, Cordelia clutched her head in one hand, and wiped at a tear with her other as Dawn sat by her side, valiantly trying to bite back her tears. Giles stood closest to me, staring into nothingness, I hadn't seen him cry since Buffy had died._

_ I wondered how many more of them might I lose before we got to where we were heading._

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**Please review!**

(And not hate me for killing off characters...)


	11. Chapter 10: Sewer Talks

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Once again, thank you to those who have taken the time to review!  
So, there are a lot of people itching to find out what happened to Buffy it seems... well, I'm just going to give you an advanced warning that you're going to have to be patient for that bit of information to come to light. If it's not obvious already, I like a bit of suspense. ;)

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Chapter 10: Sewer Talks

The Sunnydale sewers were a place that I hadn't realized how much I hated until I was already deep in the maze of the underground tunnels. Buffy had been uncharacteristically silent since we'd slipped underground, and I couldn't blame her. I was certain that like me, she was remembering the last time we'd been down there together – when I'd lied and told her I didn't want her in my life.

She walked a few paces in front of me, and I would be happy that I couldn't see her face, except the pained expression she wore as I caused her world to crash down around her that day would be burned into my memory until the day I died. To be honest, I wasn't sure I ever had to worry about any happiness clause anymore, just remembering her in that moment was enough to crush any feelings of joy I could possibly experience. It may have still been two more years until she died for her sister, but I still feel like I killed a little part of her then, a part that even Willow couldn't resurrect.

As we continued to wind through the intricate passageways, I noticed Buffy turning briefly to glance at me intermittently. I said nothing, and simply continued to follow her in silence, deciding that perhaps she was just making sure I was still there – a notion that was completely foolish considering I knew she could feel my presence as strongly as I could feel hers.

"So," she said finally, breaking the silence, "You going to tell me what's eating you or what?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, stepping to her side.

She shot me an incredulous look, and crossed her arms over her chest, "Fine."

She turned to face front again, and continued walking with her eyes fixed steadily in the direction she was heading, as though she were trying to ignore me.

"Don't be like that Buffy," I pleaded.

"Don't be like that?!" she scoffed, "_You_ don't be like that!"

I stopped, throwing my hands out to the side in defeat, "You have to give me something here, I honestly don't know what you're talking about."

She spun to face me, frustration written clearly on her face, "You're being Mr. Cryptic again."

I just studied her. She sighed, I supposed I looked as confused as I felt, "You show up to patrol, you don't talk about anything other than this stupid scroll, and then you disappear!"

"This could be serious Buffy, there's-"

"There's something bothering you and I don't understand why you can't tell me what it is!" she exclaimed. She looked hurt, desperate.

"It's not important Buffy, we have other things to deal with." I replied calmly.

"If my problems are important enough to talk about then so are yours!" she argued.

I watched her as she fidgeted in front of me. She looked like she was at her wits end, like she was trying to hide the fact that she was concerned. I wondered if maybe she thought I was pushing her away.

"I don't want to burden you Buffy," I told her, I should have known that wouldn't be enough to silence her.

"Burden me! _Please_ burden me! I'm tired of everyone tip-toeing around me, especially you!"

"Listen to me, this scroll could spell the end of the entire human race. This isn't just an isolated Hellmouth incident, this could literally wipe out the entire world." I said calmly, hoping that she'd drop the subject.

"Stop talking about it! We don't even know if this is the right scroll anyway! We don't even know if the demon found it or just found an empty box!" she seethed.

"It found _something_, you know that." I pressed.

"Why are you so obsessed with this thing?!"

"Because it could kill you!" I blurted.

Instead of coming up with a retort, she simply stared at me with wide eyes.

"Maybe that doesn't seem like a big deal to you right now, but there are a lot of people who would be destroyed if they lost you again... myself included." I finished quietly.

She shook her head in disbelief, "That's it? You think I have a deathwish?!"

"No, I'm just worried that in your current mindset you might get a little careless."

Fury momentarily flashed through her eyes, but it was quickly replaced by insult, "Is that why you're here? Because you think I'm slacking?"

"No." I responded quickly.

"Because I've been doing everything I can! It's not my fault it's been slow here!"

"I never said it was. Buffy, I know what you've been hiding, and I'm just trying to make it easier on you." I said gently. This was not going well.

"Then talk to me!" she cried, "Treat me like you used to!"

"I thought we were supposed to keep our distance."

She grinned sardonically, "Yeah, I thought so too, but then you set up camp in my town again."

"To help. Nothing more."

She shook her head again, "Of course..." she chuckled dryly, then glanced around at our dank surroundings, "Man, what is up with us and sewers!?"

"Let's just keep looking for the Valkesch," I urged, "We've still got a lot of ground to cover."

"Not until you talk to me." she replied stubbornly.

"Buffy, can we do this later?" I sighed.

"No!"

"Oh this is too good!" came a voice from behind me. I turned, to find Spike sauntering down the tunnel towards us.

"It seems I've stumbled onto the Buffy and Angel show! Drats, I forgot the popcorn..."

"Don't you have somewhere else you can skulk?" Buffy almost growled, evidently unhappy about having an audience.

"Actually, Giles told me there was a big nasty lurkin' down here with some sort of hocus pocus artifact that could end the world, so I thought I'd have a look-see." he explained casually.

"Giles told you about what was going on?" I asked incredulously.

"I help from time to time!" his tone was defensive.

"Only because you can't hang with the real demons anymore." Buffy grumbled.

"I can so!" he sulked, "I just choose not to!"

"Face it Spike, you've got nowhere else to go." Buffy huffed.

"It's not like you've been complainin'!" he spat, "I help you out with Dawnie, keep my ear to the ground for any happenings in the demon world... yeah, it was all fine and dandy until Soul-Boy here walked back into the picture!"

"Watch it Spike..." I growled.

"You know, it really is a shame you two can't do anythin' about all this pent up sexual tension, I'm sure it'd do you two a world of good to release some of it."

"Spike... if you know what's good for you, you'll keep walking." Buffy said in a lowered and dangerous tone.

"I mean it!" he continued nonetheless, "I meant what I said those years ago; this will end up killin' you both."

Her at the very least, but Spike didn't need his ego stroked by knowing that there was a grain of truth in what he said.

"Think about it; one of you will slip up, you always do when you're together. Then it's just a matter of how dire the consequences are."

I turned to Buffy to see her glaring dangerously in Spike's direction as he grinned cheekily at her. Realizing she wasn't in the mood for his antics, his expression quickly changed, and he stuffed his hands deeply into his duster pockets as his shoulders slumped, "Fine then, I can tell when I'm not wanted!" he huffed before glaring pointedly at Buffy, "I liked you better when you were all void of emotion you know, so much easier to get along with!" he took a step backwards before pointing a finger at me, "I'm blamin' this on you Peaches."

I suppressed a growl as he spun on his heel and began to saunter back down the tunnel in the direction he'd come from. Suddenly he turned back around to shout towards us, "The western tunnels have been searched already! You're welcome!"

Then he was gone.

The scowl Buffy had on her face during our disagreement earlier was nothing compared to the one she wore now. She looked deep in thought, as she stood beside me motionless, her arms crossed over her chest. Finally she turned around to continue our path, the tunnel split into two separate passageways. "You feel like splitting up?" she asked quietly.

"Not really," I replied.

"Good. You take right, I'll go left." she instructed before storming off down the left tunnel without so much as a glance in my direction.

"O...kay." I muttered, watching her go with a sense of defeat before turning to my right and making my way down my own tunnel.

Anger was better than indifference, I supposed, but I couldn't help wondering why we couldn't manage to feign just being friends anymore.

~0~

_It had been two and a half weeks since Buffy and her Scooby gang had arrived unannounced on my doorstep, and in that time our situation had not grown any less dire._

_ Even with the extra hands and eyes to help with the research, we couldn't seem to uncover any reliable information about the scroll, and leaving the Hyperion was becoming more and more perilous._

_ The government had finally announced that they would be placing Los Angeles under quarantine at the end of the week due to the amount of citizens suffering from the mysterious fever, and the news had not been taken well. Riots tore apart the streets every other day, and though looting hadn't started yet, I knew it would only be a matter of time before the population's desperation got the best of them. They wouldn't realize it, but I knew they could not evade Famine's influence forever._

_ Though it seemed many of them were afraid they would start to get cabin fever, Buffy and I had decided anyone who had no supernatural means of defence was now forbidden from leaving the hotel. Dawn was the only one who really put up any sort of fight, but I could see on the other's face that they were both frustrated and frightened. The others had known Buffy and me long enough to know we wouldn't exclude them from anything slaying related unless absolutely necessary, and the fact that it was now necessary was pretty harrowing._

_ Buffy, Spike and I alternated nights patrolling the streets in order to keep an eye out for any clues of what might be going on, as well as to keep the general peace amongst the civilians. Willow and Tara often ventured out as well, though only during the day._

_ I was sitting alone in my office, pouring over a copy of Revelations for the hundredth time. I was sure I'd committed the passage to memory by now, but I was still hoping to find some sort of hidden clue or code that perhaps we'd overlooked, when the front door banged open, letting the chaotic noise from the streets pour into the lobby before it was slammed shut again. Footsteps echoed over the floor in a rushed pace before my office door was thrown open as unceremoniously as the front one had been. _

_ "It is a mess out there Angel-cakes!" the visitor sighed, before a green hand raised itself to pluck the fedora off of his head to reveal an equally green face and a pair of small red horns._

_ "Lorne?!" I announced in surprise. It had been over three weeks since I'd seen the Pylean, and I'd simply assumed that he'd made a swift escape before things had gotten too hectic. "What are you doing here?"_

_ "What? I can't drop in to make sure you haven't all been ripped to bits by the psycho's out there? Well excuse me for caring!" he scoffed._

_ "You know that's not what I mean." I grumbled._

_ He grinned, "I know Big-Man, I'm just trying to lighten the mood, things are getting pretty hairy around here."_

_ "You're telling me."_

_ He brushed some dirt off the brim of his hat, before readjusting his blazer and falling into the seat opposite my desk, "So, I saw the strangest thing last night." he began._

_ "Was it a knight riding around on a floating horse?" I asked._

_ "Hey! Sweetcheeks! I'm the psychic one, not you!" he retorted, then after a pause, "But yes."_

_ My fingers gripped the edges of my book tightly, "What colour was the horse?" I asked hesitantly. _

_ "Black, why?"_

_ "Shit!" I swore, slamming the book closed and leaning back in my chair._

_ Lorne jumped slightly, then peered over the edge of my desk at the book title, "The Bible? Not your usual source of reference but..." he trailed off, his red eyes flickered back up to my face with a completely disbelieving expression, "Please tell me this is a joke."_

_ "Unfortunately I can't do that Lorne."_

_ "Please tell me I did not just see one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!"_

_ "You did." I whispered._

_ "Why can't the Easter Bunny be real instead..." he mumbled, "Is this what's causing all the trouble out there?"_

_ I nodded, "I'm guessing you haven't heard anything?" I asked hopefully._

_ He shook his head as he ran a hand over his face, "Nothing more than demons celebrating the chaos. Though in hindsight, they all did look a little too happy..."_

_ I rose from my chair and began pacing back and forth behind my desk,"This is bad. If the last of the horsemen appears it could literally bring hell on earth with it." _

_ "Well! We'll just have to do something about it then, won't we?!" Lorne exclaimed confidently, though his expression fell when he saw the look on my face, "We can do something about it... can't we?"_

_ "We're looking into it," I muttered, there was really no way to put a positive spin on what was going on out there, or the lack of information we'd found on it._

_ "That sounded very reassuring, Angel, thank you for that," Lorne replied sarcastically. _

_ I was about to reply when my office door was pushed open again, and Buffy slipped through quietly. She cast a confused glance at the back of Lorne's green head before turning back to me._

_ "How did it go tonight?" I asked her._

_ She sighed, and crossed the room towards me, "No better, no worse. Things are holding steady at anarchy for the time being..." now standing beside the chair where Lorne sat, her brow furrowed as she studied the demon sitting across from me, "Who's this?"_

_ "You can call me Lorne," he answered, looking Buffy up and down, "And who might you be, Dollface?"_

_ Buffy blinked at him in disbelief, and I could see the tiny spark of anger that had ignited in her eyes as she turned to me, "He called me Dollface... can I punch him?"_

_ "No, don't punch him," I tried my best to keep from chuckling, I knew she probably wouldn't appreciate it, "This is Lorne, he runs a demon bar called Caritas. He helps from time to time. Lorne, this is Buffy she's-"_

_ "The Slayer!" Lorne exclaimed jumping up from his seat, and grabbing her hand to shake it enthusiastically, "It's nice to finally meet you! I've heard so much about you!"_

_ "Really?" she asked, now looking a little stunned._

_ "Well, maybe not that much, just whatever things were floating around in Angel's head," he explained with an unnecessary wink in my direction._

_ "Lorne can read auras, and destinies," I explained, noting the confused look on Buffy's face._

_ "Oh."_

_ "It works best if you sing for me," Lorne added with a smile, though I wished he hadn't when I saw the amused expression on Buffy's face._

_ "You sang for him?" she asked, a twinkle in her eye._

_ "It wasn't anything to write home about sweetheart," Lorne chuckled, "Well, I don't want to interrupt you two, so I'd best get going."_

_ He placed his hat back atop his head, and took a few steps towards the office door._

_ "Are you sure it's safe for you to be out there?" I asked._

_ He shrugged as he turned back to me, "I made it here in one piece, didn't I? Besides, once I'm back at Caritas I'll be safe."_

_ I nodded, "If you need anything, don't hesitate,"_

_ "You got it Angel-face... and if I hear anything, I'll let you know."_

_ Then he slipped out the door, leaving Buffy and I alone in my office - something we'd been avoiding since she'd shown up two weeks prior. _

_ It was different when the rest of the gang was around, we could focus on the task at hand, we had a million different things to concentrate on, pulling us in a million different directions. When we were left alone, the tension from our encounter on the cliffs just after she'd been resurrected found its way back to the surface. It got painful again._

_ "Well, he's... interesting." she stated, sliding into the chair Lorne had occupied mere moments ago._

_ "That's one way of putting it." I grinned._

_ She smiled back, then cast her eyes to the ground as the uncomfortable silence enveloped us again. I fell back into my chair, and noted the large desk separating us. It seemed rather fitting to have something so large wedged between us._

_ "Was there something else you wanted to talk about?" I asked, she looked hesitant to speak, and I knew if she'd seen anything strange on her patrol she definitely wouldn't hold it back. _

_ She grinned, then began to chew her bottom lip thoughtfully, "You know, it's really nice of you to let us all crash here," she said._

_ "There's no way I'd leave you all out there to fend for yourselves, you know that. Besides, there's strength in numbers, right?"_

_ "I know," she sighed, "I was just worried we'd be intruding."_

_ "You could never intrude on my life," I replied earnestly, and I saw her cheeks redden slightly before she looked down to her lap and there was another moment of silence._

_ "Look, I need to give you something," she began, not looking anymore at ease._

_ "Sure," I answered simply, though I was confused by her discomfort._

_ With a subtle nod, she lifted her hand to dig inside her coat pocket, pulling out a plain, sealed envelope. She held it out over the desk until I took it in my hand. "You can't open it." she instructed._

_ "Why not? What is it?" I asked, looking from the mysterious envelope to the woman who sat across from me._

_ "It's my will." she said softly._

_ The envelope suddenly felt like a weight in my hands, and placed it on the desk in front of me before recoiling from it like it were a cross. "Buffy... I don't understand..."_

_ "What's not to understand?" she almost scoffed, "I face death on a daily basis Angel, I should be prepared."_

_ I finally looked back up to her, she suddenly looked much older and more burdened than I was used to seeing her._

_ "Maybe it wasn't such a big deal when I was just a teenager, and I didn't have to look out for anyone else... but Dawn's in the picture now... and I guess it didn't really hit me until I... went away..." she stammered, "But if I'm gone then she's got nothing."_

_ "That's not true Buffy, you know your friends will take care of her." I comforted her._

_ "I know... but that's not good enough to Child Protective Services." she grimaced._

_ I frowned, I didn't like that she had so much extra stress in her life, it was enough that she had to save the world every other week. "So why are you giving it to me?" I asked._

_ "Because I figure it's the safest place," she shrugged, then began to bite her lip again, "... and because if something does happen to me, I appointed you Dawn's legal guardian."_

_ I felt my eyes grow wide in shock as I digested her words, "Do the others know?" I asked, imagining Xander's complete outrage, and Giles' disapproval._

_ "No. I don't really think they want to hear about me making up a will... besides, when it comes down to it, it's not their decision what's best for Dawn. I know it'll probably make them angry, but I know you can keep her safest."_

_ I didn't reply, I just kept staring at the small, yet horrible, envelope still lying on the desk in front of me. The document that laid out all of Buffy's final wishes._

_ "Dawn's not a normal teenager. I mean, for now we assume she's safe, but we don't know if there are other people or things who knew about The Key. If something else comes after her, and I can't protect her..." she looked up to me with pleading eyes, "I need to know she'll still be safe."_

_ I still didn't answer, I was too overwhelmed. The thought of losing Buffy again was my worst nightmare in and of itself, now the knowledge that I would be responsible for her own flesh and blood in her absence felt daunting. _

_ "You're not angry, are you?" she asked, her voice was so small and uncertain._

_ "No, no I'm not..." I assured her, "Just shocked, and maybe a little flattered... I think."_

_ She smiled slightly, "I know this seems completely out of left field... but you were the first person that came to mind... I'd still trust you with my life."_

_ I studied her sadly, all I wanted to do in that moment was take her in my arms and comfort her, but I knew it would do neither of us any good. "Of course I'll take care of her Buffy," I answered finally, with my best attempt at a smile, though inside I was cringing in fear._

_ She sighed in relief before pushing herself out of the chair, "Thank you Angel, it means a lot to me." she turned, and began to leave the room._

_ "Buffy?" I called just as she reached the door and pulled it open, she turned, her eyes questioning as she studied me._

_ "I..." I stopped myself, realizing how foolish it would be to say those words to her, "I'll always be here for you, you know that, right?"_

_ She smiled warmly, it made my heart ache, "I know Angel."_

_ And she disappeared out the door._

_ I exhaled, it was long and unnecessary. I'd almost told her I loved her before she'd walked out that door. I hadn't said those words to her in years – not because they weren't true, but because I knew what kind of heartache they would cause the both of us. No matter how badly we wanted it, nothing could ever happen between us again. Our encounter on the cliffs was proof enough of our lack of willpower._

_ Returning my attention to the envelope, I opened one of my desk drawers and shoved it inside. Praying that it would be a long while before I'd have to remember it was in there._

~0~

Opening my eyes, I found myself once again staring at the mansion ceiling. Blinking a few times, I let myself dwell on the events in my dream. I wondered how Lorne was doing, whether I should try to contact him and get him to keep an eye out for any strange activity.

I'd never found out what happened to him after Los Angeles had been destroyed. Once Buffy had been killed, and we'd decided to try and find a way off the Continent, I'd told him he was probably better off travelling on his own. He could blend in with the rest of the demon community, and if he kept his head down, he could probably stay out of trouble long enough to get to safety. He'd protested at first, but I explained that travelling with a bunch of humans would put a target on his head. He reluctantly gave in, and a few days later he was gone. I never saw him again.

My thoughts swiftly turned back to the conversation with Buffy. I wondered if she was thinking about writing up a will right now... I wondered if maybe she already had one stashed away somewhere.

I had always understood that Buffy stared danger in the face every day, however, it had been so long since I last cared about my own demise that it never really occurred to me until constantly fixating on it over the past few weeks, that for Buffy, staring danger in the face, meant staring death in the face.

Dwelling on it now, the decision to leave her so she could have a normal life, with children and a white picket fence did seem silly; of course she hadn't been thinking about those things, she'd been thinking about getting through the week alive.

I didn't have time to wonder if she was still angry with me, as a dark-haired head appeared over the back of the couch, staring down at me.

"So! Ye've finally upgraded to the sofa!" Doyle teased.

I sat up, rubbing the back of my neck, "I figure I'll work my way back up to the bed..." I grumbled, swinging my legs over the edge of the cushions so my feet were on the ground. Doyle was suddenly sitting next to me, and I wasn't sure if I was simply too distracted to have noticed him round the couch to sit, or if he had appeared there.

"You two got in a little tiff, didn't ye?" he asked quietly.

I sighed, leaning forward so my elbows were resting on my knees, "This is harder than I thought it would be... She knows me too well, she can tell I'm hiding something."

"An' that's a bad thing?" Doyle asked.

"Normally, I'd say no, but her life is on the line here."

Doyle's expression was caught somewhere between a smirk and a frown, like he couldn't quite decide whether he found my predicament amusing or disturbing. Finally he sighed, and sunk further into the cushions, "Then tell her the truth!"

"You know that won't go over well," I scoffed, "Besides, wouldn't your friends upstairs frown on that?"

"Not about _that_," Doyle sighed, "About how you feel."

I chuckled, and shook my head, "Because that never causes any problems; Buffy and I being honest about how we feel..."

"Fine! I'm an idiot, I don't know what I'm talkin' about!" Doyle announced in exasperation, "But consider this; are ye doing this because the Powers asked ye to? Or because ye love her?"

I turned to look at him again. The smart-alec smirk had returned to his face, and he folded his arms behind his head.

I sighed, and pushed myself off the couch, "This isn't just about saving Buffy; it's a chance to change the course of history, to keep all the horrors, and death, and destruction from occurring... It's not that simple," I explained.

"What's not that simple?" A voice asked from behind me as a paced in front of the sofa.

Turning towards the main entrance, I discovered Buffy standing just inside the front door, and extremely puzzled and concerned look on her face.

I turned back to the couch, and discovered it was empty. Doyle must have left, leaving me looking like I was in the middle of a very heated conversation with myself.

"Buffy... I... um... nothing. I wasn't saying anything." I stammered in embarrassment.

With her brow knitted together, she took a step into the room and looked around, "Are you talking to yourself?" she asked.

"No! I was... I... um..." I would have lied and said I was on the phone, but there was clearly nothing in my hands.

"Angel, you can't tell me not to worry about you and then start having conversations with yourself... it's not very convincing." she said with a frown as she approached the sofa.

"I wasn't talking to myself," I assured her.

"Really? Cause that's what it looked like." she answered softly.

Her eyes still scanned the room, as though she were expecting something to jump out of the shadows. I could see apprehension in her eyes, and I remembered that the last time she saw me in such a state I was being tormented by The First, and had nearly ended my own life. She wasn't frightened that I was insane, she was frightened of something else.

"I'm fine, Buffy." I repeated, in the calmest, most confident voice I could muster, "What are you doing here, anyway?" I asked.

Chewing her lip, she flopped down onto the sofa, and looked up at me sheepishly, "I wanted to apologize." she explained quietly.

"Apologize?"

"For last night," she clarified, "Spike... he just knows how to push my buttons."

I squirmed at her use of language, I didn't like to think of anyone 'pushing her buttons', let alone Spike.

"I really shouldn't let him get to me like that," she sighed.

I sat down beside her, my teeth clenched as I fought back the urge to storm out into the day and beat some sense into Spike – again. "He has his ways," I replied as calmly as I could.

"And I know that, yet... when he starts talking... it just gets under my skin, no matter how much I tell myself that I can't let it."

I frowned, I wished I had some advice for her on how to ignore him, although I was sure she wouldn't be interested in the methods Angelus had employed years ago.

"Especially when it comes to you." she continued so quietly that I almost thought I'd imagined it.

"Me?" I asked.

"Yeah," she answered just as softly. Her eyes were cast to the floor, and she twisted her hands in her lap as though she were nervous.

"Why? Why would that bother you?" I asked her.

She sighed again, "Do you remember that time he was talking about last night? What he said to us?"

"Yeah," I answered morosely. His words would be burned in my brain until I eventually crumbled to ash. Words that rung so true that it had caused Buffy to walk away from me, even though it had just been temporarily at the time.

"Well, he was right then... and he still is now." she whispered.

She finally looked back up at me. Her eyes were full of turmoil, and she paused for a long time before continuing, as though she needed to gather strength to go on.

"When you're around Angel... it's exhausting." she murmured, "I can act like we're just working together, I can put on a brave face, and save the world, and pretend like nothing's wrong... but the truth is it throws me and it always will. Because no matter what we decide, no matter how many times I can try and fail miserably at having a normal life, the truth is-"

She stopped herself, and her mouth twitched into an embarrassed smile. I waited silently for her to finish, to see if she would say the words we'd carefully avoided speaking to each other for years, but she didn't.

"So I get frustrated, and angry, and I lash out... normally at you." she explained, "So, I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know before it happens again, that I don't mean it, and you don't deserve it."

"You don't need to explain yourself to me Buffy," I replied. Having her be so open and honest was just making it all that much harder to hide the truth from her. I was thankful I'd become an expert at carrying guilt over the years.

"I know," she continued, "but I wanted to anyway."

I found myself unable to look her in the eyes, it wasn't fair that she could be so straightforward with me, yet I had to hide behind lies. I thought about what Doyle had said, and wondered if half-truths would be enough to win back her trust.

"I'm sorry too," I began, sinking back into the cushions beside her, "I know it seems I've been hiding things from you... it's just-" I paused briefly, I was quite sure how to say this to her. For something that had been so all-consuming for me for so long now, I didn't understand how it could be so hard to put into words. "The day I walked through the front door of the Hyperion and found Willow sitting there... I knew there was only one reason she would show up on her own like that, I knew that you were..."

Dead.

I couldn't even bring myself to utter the words. She was sitting here, staring at me, and even still I couldn't bear to think of her being gone. "It was the single worst day of my life. In all my two hundred-plus years, nothing has ever made me feel that way before, and now that you're back... remembering how it felt to know I'd never see you again, and thinking that I may have to experience that again one day... it terrifies me."

I could feel her eyes burning holes into the side of my head, but I refused to turn and look at her, I was too afraid of what I might do. The second time had been worse, just remembering it now sent chills up my spine, and I wondered what it would do to me if I couldn't keep her from dying again. The thought of another hundred years of death, destruction and loneliness was almost enough to send me over the edge. I knew if I looked at her in that moment, I would want to damn the curse and lose myself in her.

"I'm a big girl now Angel," she whispered, "I can take care of the little things myself." she continued a little more confidently, "It's not going to scare me to know all the details, I can handle it. And if I die again... well... it's part of the job, I get that now."

I finally turned to her, "I don't want you to," I blurted before I could stop and think of the repercussions.

She smiled sadly, "I don't want it either, but I can't ignore the fact that it comes with the territory, and I'm not going to not do what I need to because I'm afraid of it."

I returned her smile, then averted my gaze back to the floor. I knew she was right, she was never one to back down, especially when what she was facing could potentially hurt those she cared about. For as much as her trip to the afterlife had scarred her, it had made her stronger as well.

"I'm sorry," I sighed, "It's hard to remember sometimes that you've grown up, since-"

"Since we never see each other anymore?" she finished.

I frowned, "Yeah, I guess."

"Well, maybe once you get back to L.A. we could change that." she suggested with a hopeful smile that I wanted so badly to return, however I knew keeping in touch with Buffy was never something that would be easy on either of us.

"We'll see," I replied quietly.

Her smile faded, but she nodded in understanding, before turning to glance at her watch, "I should get going... job interview in a half an hour." she announced as she pushed herself off the sofa.

"Really? Where?" I asked, almost dreading the response.

She grimaced, and barely turned back to look at me as she replied, "Fast food joint... it's called the DoubleMeat Palace."

"Buffy..." I sighed.

"Don't. Okay?" she grumbled, "I need money, and my options are limited, so..."

"But you can still do better," I reassured her.

"Can I? I've got a high school diploma, and extensive knowledge of how to turn everyday items into useful demon-killing weapons – you're right, there's a huge market out there for me."

"You're smarter than you give yourself credit for, I know you can aim higher than that." I pressed, dreading the sudden mental image I had of her in some horribly coloured, polyester uniform, shovelling fries into tiny cardboard boxes. There was no way The Slayer should be reduced to that.

"Yeah, well... I need to support Dawn, and this is what's available."

"Let me help you," I pleaded.

"Angel, no. I need to do this on my own! I'm not-"

"Just hear me out! Okay?" I replied forcefully. She instantly shut her mouth, and glared at me with a dangerous glint in her eye, "Something is going on right now, and we still don't have all the details. The last thing you need is to be distracted by some crappy minimum wage job, while trying to put food on the table." her arms were now crossed over her chest and her brows her knitted together angrily, "Let me help you out _just_ while I'm here. That's all. You can focus on what's coming, and have peace of mind that you'll still have a roof over your head at the end of the day... whatever you do afterwards is your call."

Her expression softened, and she seemed to be weighing her options internally. Finally she nodded slightly, "While you're here... but that's it."

"I swear." I promised.

"Okay," she agreed, "...Thank you."

I nodded, "I'll always be there to help, Buffy."

She studied me forlornly for a moment, and I didn't quite know what to make of it. She once again looked like she was contemplating something she didn't want to tell me.

"I know," she simply whispered, then turned to cross back to the door, pulled it open, and disappeared into the daylight.

Sinking deeper into the sofa, I stared at the door. I wasn't sure how much longer my self-restraint could hold, dancing around her at arms length was becoming more exhausting by the day.

* * *

**Okay, I suppose I'll need to address Buffy's excessive bitchiness at the beginning of the chapter... I know it's pretty OOC, but Buffy and Angel are pretty in tune with each other, and she can tell he's hiding something (which of course we know is a colossal secret that he can't tell her), and that's gonna probably drive her up the wall considering he insists on hanging around to protect her - at least that's my opinion - and what I hope the last scene in this chapter conveyed.**

**This was also my first attempt ever at writing Lorne (eep!), he makes a few more cameos, so I hope I didn't completely destroy his character.**

**Please review!**


	12. Chapter 11: Strength to Go On

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Again, thank you to everyone who took the time to review! I think the last chapter got the most reviews out of all that I've posted so far - you guys are awesome!

* * *

Chapter 11: Strength to Go On

I knocked on Giles' door early that evening, just after the sun had set. He had called shortly after Buffy had left requesting to speak with me in person, and as he pulled open his front door to usher me inside I could tell almost immediately that he was a lot less frazzled and worn than he had been when I'd dropped in on him just after arriving in Sunnydale.

Despite the more relaxed environment, I didn't sit, instead I paced in front of Giles' immense bookcases, scanning the titles casually. We may not be in any immediate danger, but it couldn't hurt to stay one step a head of whatever Wolfram & Hart was planning on throwing at us.

"So," Giles called from the kitchen, where he was busy fixing a cup of tea, "Buffy tells me your search through the sewers yielded nothing."

I shook my head, "Yeah. It turned up dry. My guess is the Valkesch have already moved out, they're probably on their way back to whomever ordered them to search for the scroll." I explained sombrely.

Giles rounded the corner into the living room, a steaming mug in one hand, the other massaging his temple, "You fear whomever requested the scroll intends to use it."

"What good would it do to have it otherwise?" I asked.

He frowned, "Very true... now the question is; how will we find it in time without the Valkesch to tail?"

"I've got some friends in the demon community back in Los Angeles who won't mind keeping an eye out for any suspicious activity, I could contact them." I suggested, thinking of Lorne and his connections.

"And what if the threat remains in Sunnydale?" Giles questioned.

I smirked, "Well, I'm sure Spike could come in handy, couldn't he?"

Giles chuckled, "Yes, I suppose he could." he cleared his throat, and lowered himself into his armchair, "There was another reason I asked you to stop by." he divulged.

"Oh?"

"Yes... it's about Buffy,"

I felt panic begin to rise up inside me, "What about her? What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing," he smiled, "She's... she's almost herself again. I can hardly believe it. I was just wondering what you've been doing to help her."

I shook my head in disbelief, I didn't really feel like I'd been helping. If anything, whenever I was around Buffy I felt like I was making things worse, "I... I haven't really done much," I confessed, "I guess mostly I've just been treating her like nothing was wrong, helping her with slaying..."

"Well, whatever you've done, it's been working."

Had it? From what I could tell, I was pushing her farther and farther away every time we spoke. Yes this morning she'd attempted to mend the rift between us, but I couldn't help feeling like there was still a strain on our already battered relationship. If Giles seemed to think she was better though, who was I to judge?

"I think for the most part, she just wants things to go back to normal." I offered, "Walking on eggshells around her just seems to frustrate her."

Giles nodded, "Yes, she's never been the delicate type, has she?"

"No," I chuckled.

After a moments pause, he looked up at me with a weary smile, "Thank you, Angel. I appreciate you being here despite-"

"Don't," I interrupted him. I had a feeling I knew what he was going to bring up, and I wasn't sure I was stable enough emotionally to hash it out right then and there, "Let's leave the past, in the past. There's no need to drudge up things that are better buried."

Taking my words into consideration, he nodded again, and rising from his seat, he extended his hand to me silently. I took it, with a grateful smile.

"I should head over to the Magic Box now," I said quietly.

"Yes, absolutely. No need to raise any suspicion." he agreed.

I smirked, and headed for the door, "I'll keep you posted Giles."

"Yes, of course." he replied, and sunk back down into the armchair to enjoy his tea as I slipped back out into the night, a sick feeling in my stomach as I recalled the last time he'd brought up Jenny Calendar.

~0~

_ I found myself once again sitting on the porch steps of 1630 Revello Drive. The door behind me was wide open, and low murmurs could be heard from within, but no one dared to step outside where the mysterious brooding man sat alone. After speaking briefly with a few of Buffy's coworkers, it seemed that word had gotten around that I wasn't in any mood for conversation. As I wove my way outside I'd picked up bits of their whispers, mostly lies or hypothesis about who I was, or what my relation to Buffy was, and I wanted nothing to do with it. I was happy Dawn didn't have superior hearing, as I'm sure in her fragile emotional state she would have made a scene upon discovering some of their elaborate rumours._

_ I slumped against the bannister in defeat. Battling an apocalypse had seemed less exhausting than it had been trying to hold myself together over the past few hours. I knew all of my team, Buffy's close friends, Spike, and Dawn had been watching me closely all day, just waiting for me to break down, but I couldn't let myself. If they could all put on brave faces, then so could I. I needed to at any rate; what sort of example could I set for Dawn if I let myself crumble?_

_ "A reception after a funeral... what a bloody ridiculous idea." someone muttered from the doorway behind me. I turned, to discover Giles standing there. Despite the crispness of his suit, he looked to have aged twenty years in the last week. _

_ I didn't reply, I simply turned back to face the road, as he approached the steps and lowered himself down next to me. He clutched a small tumbler of amber liquid in his hands, and seemed to contemplate it for a long while before setting it down on the step next to him, and leaning his elbows on his knees with a sigh._

_ "You've been rather quiet during all this, Angel." he said hesitantly, and I wondered if he was afraid of offending me._

_ "Not much to say," I whispered._

_ "Yes, but nonetheless, there must be something." _

_ Silently, I merely shrugged in response, still not meeting the eyes of the other man._

_ I felt him shift beside me, and emit a short sigh, "I know I'm far younger than you," he began, "but losing someone you love is never easy to deal with."_

_ I winced, and a feeling of dread spread through me as I prayed he wouldn't continue._

_ "When Jenny died," my heart sunk as the words left his lips, but I couldn't find my voice to ask him to stop, "I did a lot of irrational things. But I had to, it helped me to-"_

_ "Giles, please. Please don't, I-"_

_ "I don't blame you anymore Angel." he interrupted._

_ I simply studied him wearily._

_ "I wanted to. For a very long time I wanted to hold you accountable, but deep down I knew it didn't make sense. I know that had you been able to stop him from killing her, you would have. You would have done everything you could... just like you did for Buffy."_

_ I turned away from him, shaking my head, "I didn't do anything for Buffy, it was -"_

_ "I think given the circumstances, you did everything she wanted you to." he said gently._

_ "Why are you telling me this?" I asked softly._

_ "Because, I don't want this tension between us anymore. In fact, part of me fears that a lot of what happened may have been avoided if it hadn't been for it." he explained._

_ "None of this is your fault, Giles." I assured him._

_ "No?" he asked, "She was my Slayer, it was my responsibility to keep her safe. But when someone else came along, someone else who wanted to protect her as much as I did... I pushed him away instead of recognizing him as an ally." he turned to look at me again, the grief he'd kept so expertly under control now clearly visible on his face._

_ "You did what you thought was right." _

_ "Yes, and it turned out that it was wrong."_

_ I studied the Watcher in complete shock; first Xander, now Giles... if it had been under different circumstances I would have been thrilled, but I couldn't help feeling that rebuilding these bridges had come at too great of a price._

_ Whilst still lost in thought, Giles extended his hand towards me, "I would be honoured to fight alongside you again, Angel." he announced, a sad smile playing on his lips._

_ Returning the smile, I took his hand and shook it, "Likewise."_

_ He rose from the steps, and turned back towards the door, "We'll talk more once the others have left." and he disappeared once again inside, leaving me alone to contemplate the empty street._

_ Mere moments later, another voice interrupted my thoughts from the doorway, "Angel?"_

_ I turned, to discover Dawn standing there. Her eyes red and puffy, as she slowly picked apart a used tissue between her fingers._

_ "Hey," I answered simply._

_ She crossed the porch slowly, and settled onto the step beside me, "What are you doing out here?" she asked._

_ "Just thinking," I explained quietly._

_ She nodded almost imperceptibly, then went back to twisting her tissue in her hands, "Mind if I think too?" she whispered._

_ I smiled, "Not at all."_

_ She nodded again, and turned out to join me in staring out at the deserted street. Suddenly, a small sob hitched in her throat, and she brought the mangled tissue up to wipe her nose, "I wish all these people would just leave." she wept._

_ I brought my hand up to rub her back, and she leaned into my shoulder, "I know Dawn, so do I."_

~0~

As I neared the Magic Box, a shrill ring from my pocket interrupted my thoughts. I reached into my duster, and pulled out my phone.

"Yeah?"

"Angel?" A crisp British voice asked from the other end.

"Wes..." it took me aback to hear his voice after so long, "What is it, is everything alright? Did Cordy and Gunn give you my messages?"

"Yes, yes we're all fine... and yes, they relayed the messages to me. In fact, that's why I'm calling." he rattled.

"Really?

"Yes, erm, it seems we've come to a bit of an impasse on our end." he admitted.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, the information on this subject is rather limited. I researched the Valkesch, and this Whitlock fellow, as per your request, but beyond that... there isn't much information pertaining to this scroll."

"I know, we're pretty stuck on this end too."

"It would not surprise me if the Christians did away with any-"

"Let's not go blaming any religions now, alright Wes?" I interrupted.

"Since when are you sensitive to religion, Angel?"

"Do you really think this curse would be as effective without the Irish Catholic guilt?" I asked wryly.

"Touché." Wes chuckled, "Now, as much as I would love to have an ideological debate with you, the fact remains that we have no information on how to stop this."

"I don't know what to tell you Wes, other than to just keep looking. We'll do the same here."

"Yes, of course... I was wondering if perhaps Mr. Giles has any volumes that we may not have access to? Wesley asked.

"It's possible. Call him, I should have his number somewhere in my office. Maybe the two of you together can discover something we missed." I suggested.

"Yes let's hope so."

"Alright," I paused, "How's Cordy? Has she had any visions lately?"

I heard Wesley sigh on the other end of the receiver, "It's hard to say..." he confessed.

"What do you mean?"

He hesitated before answering and it made me uneasy, "She's been rather on edge lately, extremely moody, but she hasn't come to us with anything, which either leads me to believe she's keeping something from us, or she can't make heads or tails of what she's seen."

My stomach fell, the last time this had begun, the severity of Cordelia's visions had escalated along with the violence. If something was already starting to affect her, it meant we didn't have much time left. "Keep an eye on her. If you have any suspicions that she's getting worse call me."

"Don't worry, I will." Wesley promised.

"Be careful." and I ended the call.

The thought of Cordelia beginning to have apocalyptic visions worried me, but I knew with Wes watching her back she would be in good hands. Despite the fact that a romantic relationship had never gone anywhere for them after leaving Sunnydale, they'd become loyal friends, and would do whatever it took to keep each other safe.

~0~

_After being forced to leave Xander and Anya behind, our journey became relatively uneventful for a short time. The mood amongst the remaining group had grown dark, and morose, making it hard to tell if they were grateful for a break in the tragedies._

_ I was sure the barren coastline, and blackened waters were doing nothing to lift their spirits, but I'd grown afraid of straying from a path that for the moment seemed relatively safe. _

_ I glanced to Dawn, whom for the past few days had not strayed from my side. She'd barely spoken since Xander's death, and as much as I wanted to ask how she was, I still wasn't sure how to communicate with the teenager. For as much as they were the same, she was different than Buffy, and I didn't know how to broach the topic; though she grew up around the paranormal, she'd never had to shoulder the responsibility of Slayer or the hardships that came with it; the subject of death was not something she had a handle on._

_ Willow had spent most of her time alone recently. Though she'd stressed vehemently afterwards that she didn't blame me for what happened to Xander, I couldn't help feeling the resentment that poured out of her eyes when she looked at me. Or perhaps she was just hoping I could sympathize with her, we had both just lost someone close to us in a short amount of time, maybe my guilt was making me see things that weren't really there. Nevertheless, neither one of us had dared approach the other to talk about what had happened._

_ Giles, though he'd always been stoic, seemed to have grown more withdrawn by the day. I feared the shock of seeing those so young pass on, while he was still left standing here had taken a toll on him. He'd begun keeping a watchful eye on Dawn alongside me, and I felt as though he had convinced himself that if he could keep our youngest traveller safe, it would ease his mind._

_ Wesley and Cordelia were the only two left who didn't look like they were defeated. As tired, weathered, and miserable as they looked, I could still see a spark of determination behind their eyes. Perhaps it was because they'd had more trust in me than the others had when embarking on this impossible journey, but they seemed like they still had hope we would eventually escape from this Hell. _

_ We were fractured, though I had refused to acknowledge it at the time. I was too determined to get Dawn away from the danger that was spreading from Los Angeles across the globe, but losing Buffy had begun to slowly unravel us all. As much as I wanted to ignore the growing fear in the pit of my stomach, there was part of me that had known from the beginning that without her, the rest of us would never survive. She was the one unifying object between those of us who had escaped L.A., and though we had tried, without her, working together had been a struggle. There was nothing keeping us together except for our collective will to survive. I briefly thought that perhaps protecting Dawn would keep us strong, but it seemed that it was just not quite enough._

_ "No... no, not now!" I heard Cordelia groan._

_ I turned around in time to see her sink to her knees, her head in her hands, as Wesley laid a comforting hand on her back and waited for the vision to pass. Pushing Dawn towards Giles, I crossed to her, and knelt in front of her. She shivered slightly, and wiped away what looked like frustrated tears as she took a deep breath and sat up straight again._

_ "Are you alright?" I asked gently, placing a hand on her shoulder._

_ It took a moment for her to focus on me, but she finally nodded. I took one of her hands, and with Wesley's hand still on her back we helped her back to her feet._

_ "What did you see this time?" Wesley questioned._

_ Cordelia laughed humourlessly, and the tears returned to her eyes, "Just more death... more nonsensical, faceless, death..."_

_ I wrapped an arm around her, and pulled her to me in a friendly hug, "It'll get better, I promise." I whispered, before letting her go, so she could lean on Wesley again._

_ I turned, and started to make my way back to Dawn._

_ "Angel?" I heard Wesley's voice behind me, and turned back to find him jogging slowly towards me._

_ "What is it?" I asked._

_ Stealing a backwards glance at Cordelia, who was now talking quietly with Willow, he lowered his voice to continue, "She's getting worse... the visions are starting to come at random now, most of the time she can barely make sense of what she sees."_

_ I turned my attention back to Cordy and sighed. Since losing Xander, her visions had become much more frequent than they had been since the beginning of it all. The pain associated with them seemed to be escalating, and the more she had, the less sense they made. After the first few she'd just cried, saying she'd seen unidentifiable people dying horrible deaths. She couldn't tell where they were or who they were, and didn't know how to help them. They had progressed to just faceless masses, but the death and destruction had remained the same._

_ Looking at her now, though she didn't look as defeated as the others, she certainly looked more tormented. It was one thing to have watched people you love die, but it was another to not be able to escape the brutality, even in your own mind. Having the memories of all of Angelus' victims locked away inside my head, I felt I could imagine what she was going through to some extent. I also knew she was still Cordelia Chase, and she never gave up without a fight.  
"Just stay close to her," I whispered to Wesley, "If we can get to safety, maybe find someone who can help us to keep this from spreading, maybe they'll get better again."_

_ "That's a lot of uncertainties Angel, I'm worried she may not be able to last much longer," he confessed wearily._

_ "We can't give up on her Wes," I stressed, "She's a fighter, we just need to make sure she stays safe."_

_ Wesley studied me sombrely. He looked skeptical, frightened, but he nodded anyway, and crossed back to continue travelling alongside Cordelia and Willow._

_ With a sigh, I returned to Dawn, and continued to lead everyone down the beach. _

_ It was difficult to tell how far we'd travelled. Without the sun, the vegetation had dried out, wilted, it all looked the same now; browning, gnarled... dead. As for the houses, whatever hadn't been destroyed had been ransacked. There wasn't a home we'd passed that didn't have the door ripped off the hinges, the window's broken... and I didn't dare try to venture to any of the roads to find signs, or a car with a license plate to tell us where we were, it seemed too risky. _

_ I was so deep in my thoughts, that when the shriek erupted from the gnarled remnants of trees and brush, it was as though we had suddenly stumbled on a minefield. Everyone simultaneously jumped, and began to look around frantically. _

_ Perhaps it was the emotional and physical exhaustion, mixed with how safe our passage over the last little while had been, but it seemed that everyone had let their guard down. We immediately froze in place, glancing to each other hoping that someone would instruct the rest of us on what to do._

_ By the time the next shriek sounded, it was too late, and dozens of strange, bone-white, spiny, demons with inky black holes for eyes began to rush us from behind the trees._

_ "Run!" I shouted, and began to pull Dawn behind me along the coast hoping that the others were following._

_ Fighting wasn't high on my list of priorities anymore. We'd lost all our weapons, and with half the group now dead, escaping in once piece seemed more important than putting a dent in Hell's ranks. I could hear the demons' shouts behind us as we continued to push our way down the coastline, when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I saw Giles fall back. Turning, I discovered one of the demons had managed to catch him by the arm and yank him backwards. His face twisted in a snarl, Giles swung at the creature with his free hand, his fist connecting with its jaw with a sickening crack, and the demon stumbled back as Giles howled in pain and crumpled to the ground._

_ "Giles!" Dawn shouted, and wrenched her arm from my grip to run to the older man, as Willow swung around, her arms extended towards our assailants, and shouted an incantation. Suddenly half the demons exploded in shards of bone and clouds of dust._

_ Through the haze, I managed to sidestep one of the demons that lunged at me, and spinning around quickly, landed a high kick to the back of its spine. With yet another crack the demon collapsed to the ground. I turned around again, to see Wesley and Cordelia maneuvering their way through the dust and debris hand in hand, another one of the demons closing in on their heels. I ducked another attack, as Willow raised her arms again, when suddenly Cordelia shrieked, her hands rose to her temples, and she stumbled to the ground._

_ I rushed towards her at the same time the demon that had been in her pursuit decided to launch itself at her, but it was Wesley who stepped in front of her to block the attack._

_ "WESLEY!" she screamed with her hands still covering her face, and I didn't understand why until the demon's hand was protruding through Wesley's back._

_ "Wes!" I shouted, as I continued to sprint towards them, and tackled the demon to the ground. I felt a small tug, and heard a sickening squish as the hand was wrenched from Wesley's abdomen._

_ I jumped back to my feet as soon as the demon hit the ground, fangs bared, growling, ready to rip it limb from limb for taking yet another friend from me, when it suddenly exploded like the others. _

_ When the dust cleared, I saw Willow standing in front of me, her eyes already cast to the ground just behind me to the right. I turned, to find Cordelia hunched over Wesley, her hand pressed over his wound in vain as blood continued to gush out. I took a few stiff steps towards them, my mind reeled, and I felt hollow as I watched one of my closest friends gasp for breath on the sand._

_ "W-Wes... Wes... I'm so sorry..." Cordelia wept._

_ "Shhh, now..." he wheezed, "Don't be silly..."_

_ "Why did you do it? Why?" she sobbed, taking his hand in hers._

_ "Because... because that's what friends do... and because, you are more useful than I..." he chuckled, then gagged and coughed. A tiny spray of blood appeared on the side of his chin._

_ Biting back a sob, Cordelia shook her head frantically, "That's not true! You know so much! We need you!"_

_ "No, Cordelia..." he whispered, shaking his head stiffly, "They need what you see..."_

_ His words just caused her to sob louder, "But I don't understand-"_

_ "Shhh," he soothed her, "You will. You'll know when it's over."_

_ She didn't answer, she merely continued to sob as I closed the gap between us, and knelt at Wesley's side. He turned his head slowly towards me and smiled._

_ "Wes..." I began, but stopped when I felt the lump in my throat. I hadn't cried yet, and I wasn't about to start. I had to be the strong one and get the rest of us to safety._

_ "Angel..." he whispered._

_ I opened my mouth to speak again, but he weakly raised his hand, and wagged a finger as though to tell me to stop. His hand fell limply onto his chest, and he took a ragged breath before simply saying, "Thank you."_

_ I studied his face, and I knew what he meant. He meant thank you for giving him a chance, for giving his life a purpose again after the Council, for letting him fight alongside me protecting others._

_ Smiling sadly I nodded, "No, thank you." I said quietly. As much of an annoyance as he'd been in Sunnydale, he'd become a trusted ally and friend to me in L.A. and I knew I couldn't have done half of what I had without his help. _

_ He returned the smile, then suddenly he was gone._

_ Cordelia merely continued to cry, she lifted her hand to wipe a tear from her cheek, but only smeared blood over her face; I felt it was best not to say anything._

_ Willow still hung back, her arms wrapped around herself, and Dawn and Giles finally stood to approach us. They stood awkwardly a few feet away, giving us a moment to say our goodbyes, while bowing their heads as though they too were paying their last respects. Finally, Cordelia's sobs began to subside, and after closing Wesley's eyelids, I pushed myself back to my feet._

_ Dawn looked to me, and shifted her weight uneasily from foot to foot. I noticed that one of the sleeves of her shirt was missing, then looked down to see it tied tightly around Giles' bloody right fist._

_ "Should we keep moving?" she asked quietly._

_ Casting one last glance down at my fallen friend, I nodded, and extended my hand to help up Cordelia. With a heavy sigh, she composed herself, and taking my hand pulled herself back up to her feet._

_ "Yeah," I said quietly, "Let's go."_

_ So we carried on silently. Dawn stayed next to Giles, Willow took up the rear by herself, and I stepped in front of the group to scan for more dangers when suddenly I felt a hand on my arm. Looking to my side, I found Cordelia there, looking up at me as her eyes still filled with tears, "I saw him... I knew..." she whispered brokenly._

_ I took her hand as we carried on down the beach, "It's not your fault."_

_ And we continued in silence, not one of us daring to look back to where Wesley Wyndam Price lay._

* * *

**I guess I'm not very original with cause of death... or it might just be that I'm not really willing to rip any characters limb from limb... I do actually like them after all (even though I'm currently being a bad fan and picking them off one by one).**

**I realize there is a severe lack of Buffy in this chapter; thing is that in order for this entire story to make any sense, I feel it's really necessary to understand what Angel has been through, and what a devastating thing it would be for him to have to experience it again. He's off-centre and he's desperate, and maybe not just yet, but going forward a lot of his behaviour is going to be based on that.**

**But I should stop talking before I give anything away!**

**Just a heads up, but I think next week I may be posting 2 chapters at once. I had some problems trying to divide Chapter 13 and 14, I couldn't find a good place to break so 13 is a pathetically small chapter. I think I'm gonna tack it onto the end of 12, so keep an eye out! ;)**

**Please review!**


	13. Chapter 12: The Artless Deception

**March 3rd: Start here! Posting 2 chapters this week!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Sorry for the late update, found out last minute that some friends were coming in to visit from out of town, ended up being a busy weekend!

* * *

Chapter 12: The Artless Deception

Buffy was oddly quiet the next few times we met for patrol. It was unnerving after the candid conversation we'd had at the mansion just a few days prior, but when I arrived at the Magic Box after meeting with Giles, I was told by Anya that she had left to patrol with Spike. I found the announcement strange, and had to ask Anya if she was being serious, but after she assured me she wasn't lying, I left to do a sweep of one of the cemeteries on my own, before calling it an evening.

The next time Buffy and I met up, she was as sullen and quiet as she had been when I'd first arrived in Sunnydale, and when I tried to nudge her into conversation I was rewarded with 'hmms' and 'ahs' and one word answers.

Deciding it was best not to pry, I resigned myself to the awkward silence that would accompany us on patrol before we discovered the scroll, thinking perhaps she was having an off-night, but three nights later when there was still no improvement, and nothing to kill in order for me to take out my frustration, I decided I'd had enough.

Glancing down at her, she walked robotically at my side. She faced only forward, in the direction we were heading, instead of scanning the grounds for any threats like she normally did. She could pretend all she wanted, but I had always been able to see through the walls she put up, and after how far I'd gotten in helping her over such a short time, I wasn't about to turn a blind eye now.

"Did Spike say something to you?" I asked bluntly.

Buffy jumped slightly, not expecting me to speak, but never took her eyes off the path in front of us, "No. Why do you ask?" she questioned flatly.

"You've been strange ever since you patrolled with him, did you expect me not to notice?" I pried.

"I'm fine. I don't know what you're talking about." she lied.

I couldn't help the uncomfortable feeling that crept into my chest. She was pushing me away again, and I had no idea why, "That's not fair Buffy, you can't do that." I sighed.

"Can't do what?" she inquired innocently.

"Get mad at me for keeping things from you, and then turn around and do the same thing." I snapped. She'd come so far, I wasn't letting her turn back now.

"I'm not hiding anything from you Angel, you're overreacting." she swore.

I grabbed her arm, probably a little more roughly than was necessary, and turned her to finally face me, "Buffy, if we want this to work you need to let me in," I pleaded.

There was suddenly fury flashing in her eyes again, "If we want _what_ to work exactly?!" she spat, "What are you talking about?!"

I halted, my mouth opened to speak, but I couldn't think of what to say to explain myself. What _had_ I meant? Was this still about helping Buffy recover from her resurrection and keeping her safe in the coming apocalypse? Or had this become something else, something more? Was I subconsciously working towards something that I knew I shouldn't be?

"Maybe I'm keeping things from you because you're sending me mixed messages, did you ever think of that?" she shouted. She flapped her arms at her sides in frustration, and turned in a circle, trying to look anywhere but at me, "How about you get your story straight, and then we'll talk." she sighed, then stalked away back towards the cemetery entrance.

Once again, I did nothing more than watch her hurry away. This time not because I wanted to give her space, but because I was too confused by my own thoughts; shock had rooted me in place.

~0~

I woke the next day much earlier than usual, I had found it hard to sleep after the disagreement with Buffy, and after spending the morning and part of the afternoon tossing and turning in the bed I still wasn't used to sleeping in, I decided my time would be better spent training or looking for more information on the scroll. I hadn't left many books here in Sunnydale, but I did still have some reference texts. Knowing already that my volumes back in Los Angeles would be no help, it couldn't hurt to scan through them. I slid out of bed and dressed, and upon reaching the main room of the mansion, was met with a visitor I hadn't been expecting.

A blur of long chocolate hair spun around upon hearing my footsteps, and a small figure shot up from the couch, her fingers awkwardly twisting in front of her.

"Dawn?" I asked in surprise.

"I'm sorry!" she answered hastily, "The door was unlocked..."

"It's okay," I assured her, crossing to stand in front of her. I eyed her uneasily, "Shouldn't you be in school?" I questioned. Buffy had mentioned she'd been skipping classes after Joyce had passed, and though Buffy didn't want anyone else involved in raising Dawn, it still worried me to think she might be rebelling.

"It's almost four, I'm done for the day." she assured me.

I nodded, and motioned for her to sit again. She sunk slowly into the couch, and looked around the vast room, "You need to dust..." she muttered.

I couldn't help grinning, despite everything she'd been through recently there was still an innocence about her. It pained me to remember when she'd finally let go of it, "Well, seeing as I'm not planning on staying here permanently, cleaning isn't high on my to-do list." I chuckled.

She grinned sadly, and cast her eyes down to her lap.

"So what are you doing here?" I asked.

She frowned, and I suddenly remembered the last time she'd shown up here unannounced, "It's Buffy..."

~0~

_ Though it was late in the afternoon, I still hadn't slept. The evening before I had done the unthinkable and ended things with Buffy... in a sewer of all places. As if the conversation itself hadn't been unpleasant enough, I had to pick one of the most unpleasant places in town to do it in._

_ I wondered what she was doing now, I wondered if she'd slept at all last night. There was so much going on right now; Faith, the Mayor, Buffy was graduating in a few short weeks... if I didn't feel guilty enough as it was, thinking that I may have just made a bad situation even harder on her wasn't helping. I hadn't moved from where I was slumped on the couch since I'd gotten home, of course I could afford such laziness, it was the middle of the day after all, and I was trapped inside for another few hours. Buffy, on the other hand, had to go out and live life._

_ She had to go to school, see her friends, avert an apocalypse..._

_ And I'd broken her heart. _

_ I was a terrible person... if I could even consider myself one._

_I was pulled out of my dark thoughts by the front door of the mansion being pulled open a crack, letting a tiny sliver of sunlight fall across the floor. I immediately jumped to my feet, ready to pounce on whomever was on the other side, when a tiny hand wrapped itself around the edge of the door, and I heard a small grunt as the heavy wooden door was arduously pushed the rest of the way open to reveal a tiny, twelve year old girl._

_ "Dawn?" I asked, crossing to meet her in the hallway as she struggled to push the door shut._

_ She looked up at me, her large blue eyes wide like saucers and questioning. Her hand toyed with the end of one of her braided pigtails nervously, "Hi Angel..." she said quietly._

_ "How... how did you know how to get here?" I asked._

_ "Buffy showed me once. She said if I was ever in trouble and she wasn't around, I should run here and you would protect me." she confessed innocently._

_ My heart clenched in my chest at the mention of Buffy's name. She'd been trusting enough to tell her little sister I'd protect her, "Is something wrong? Are you okay?" I asked, leading her over to the couch and sitting. _

_ She shrugged off her backpack and let it drop to the floor before sitting as well. I noticed as she sat that the hem of her pant legs rose quite a bit above her ankles. She'd just had a growth spurt, she was getting tall for her age, and at the moment was looking a little gangly and uncoordinated, "I'm fine," she answered, "It's Buffy."_

_ I frowned, how was I going to break to a twelve year old that her sister and I were through?_

_ "Oh?" I said simply, as I collected my thoughts._

_ "Willow came over last night, and Buffy was crying a lot," she explained._

_ Another pang of guilt shot through me._

_ "She... she said you were going away."_

_ I looked to the young girl sitting next to me, her eyes were full of sadness and concern._

_ I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just frowned, "She told you that?" I asked._

_ Dawn's expression suddenly grew sullen, and with her bottom lip protruding in an expertly practiced pout, she crossed her arms, while letting out a "Hmph!"._

_ Under different circumstances I may have laughed at how utterly stereotypical her sulking was, but I wasn't in the mood._

_ "Buffy never tells me anything, she still thinks I'm a kid!" Dawn huffed, "But I'm almost a teenager now!"_

_ I couldn't help smiling at her innocence. My childhood had been so long ago that I couldn't even remember what it had been like to be her age. I did cringe, however, upon remembering that in my day, parents with a girl Dawn's age would have been looking to marry her off over the next few years... thank God times had changed._

_ "Willow came over, and I wanted to hang out with her and Buffy but when I tried to follow Willow into her room she just yelled at me to go away and slammed the door!" Dawn continued to explain petulantly, "But that's when I heard her start to cry so I listened through the door."_

_ "You know, it's not nice to eavesdrop on other people's private conversations, Dawn," I told her._

_ Her face suddenly turned red, and she looked down into her lap in embarrassment. Dawn was often trying to impress me. As much as the two Summers' sisters fought like cats and dogs, Dawn truly admired her older sister, and had taken a liking to me in an attempt to be more like Buffy – much to Joyce's dismay. I assumed that thinking I was disappointed in her had hurt her feelings._

_ "W-well..." she began, "At first I just wanted to know what they were talking about, because it's usually something they don't want me to hear... but Buffy was crying so hard, and then I got worried." she confessed._

_ Just when I thought the crushing pain couldn't get any worse, my heart broke again. Just days before her high school Prom, I had her sobbing on her best friend's shoulder._

_ "So is it true?" Dawn asked softly, tears starting to shimmer in her eyes, "Are you and Buffy broken up? Are you going away?"_

_ With a sigh, I repositioned myself so I was leaning on my knees, more at Dawn's height, "Yeah. I'm sorry Dawn, it's true."_

_ Her lip started to quiver, but I could tell she was chewing on the inside of her cheek to keep herself from crying, "But why?!" she finally blurted, "Don't you love her anymore?!"_

_ I winced. It had been hard enough actually going through with it, but now having to explain why I couldn't be with Buffy anymore to a twelve year old, that would be trying. "Of course I love her, it's just-"_

_ "Then why are you leaving?! That doesn't make any sense!"_

_ "Dawn, things are more complicated than that. It's too dangerous for us to be together." I continued as calmly as I could._

_ "Because she's the Slayer, and you're a Vampire, and you're supposed to hate each other?" she asked._

_ Simplicity. Leave it to an adult to complicate everything, "Yes. There's that, but also... do you remember last year when Buffy and I weren't together for a really long time?"_

_ "Because you lost your soul?" she asked._

_ "Yes. Well, if I stay with Buffy, that could happen again, and I don't want to hurt her, or you, so it's better if I leave." I hoped she wouldn't ask for any more details than that. I wasn't about to have **that** conversation with her._

_ Dawn frowned at me, "Well why can't someone just fix your soul so you can't lose it again?"_

_ I chuckled hollowly, "It's not that simple Dawn, that can't happen unfortunately."_

_ "How do you know?" she asked, "Have you looked?"_

_ "Of course I have." _

_ I had. Not only for Buffy's sake, and not because I wanted to alleviate my guilt, but I dreaded the though that if I let myself slip even a little bit Angelus could take control. I never wanted to let him walk the earth again._

_ "But it's not fair!" Dawn whimpered, "You and Buffy are like a fairytale, and fairytales are supposed to have happy endings!"_

_ I frowned again, and cast a glance to my bookshelf. I momentarily considered giving her my copy of The Brothers Grimm, but I was sure Joyce would be livid if I destroyed her other daughter's innocence as well. "Dawn, one day Buffy will be a grown-up, and she'll want to have things that other grown-ups have, like a family, and children, and if she stays with me she can never have that."_

_ Dawn's lip started to quiver again, "But she doesn't want that now..."_

_ "I know."_

_ "So why can't you stay just a bit longer?!" she begged._

_ "It'll just make it harder. Trust me, I'm only doing this so Buffy can be happy."_

_ "That's what my Dad said about us when he went away, and now we don't see him anymore." she pouted, looking away from me as her eyes filled with tears again._

_ I suddenly understood why she was so worried about Buffy and I breaking up. I sighed, wishing I knew how to deal with children better, and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder._

_ "I'll miss you if you go away!" she whimpered._

_ "I'm sorry Dawn." I comforted her, "I'll miss you too, you know."_

_ She sniffled, and turned back to me, "You will?"_

_ "Of course," I reassured her._

_ "Could you... could you call me sometimes?" she asked hesitantly._

_ My stomach sunk, calling Dawn would mean the risk of Buffy picking up the phone, but staring down at Dawn's watery eyes, I knew telling her no would only make this visit worse, "Sure. Sure I could."_

_ "You promise?" she asked._

_ "Yes, I promise," I lied. She was twelve, in a year's time I was sure she'd forget all about me._

_ She smiled, wiped her eyes on the back of her hand, and slid off the couch to retrieve her backpack. "I should go home now, I don't want my Mom to worry."_

_ "Of course not," I agreed, rising from the couch to lead her back to the main entrance. I pulled open the door for her, careful to stay behind it, and out of the sunlight._

_ Just as she was about to disappear outside, she stopped and looked at me, "Angel?"_

_ "Yeah?"_

_ "Are you sad that you have to leave Buffy?" she asked._

_ I smiled sadly at her, "Yeah, I am."_

_ She frowned again, "I wish you two didn't have to break up."_

_ "Me too, Dawn."_

_ She disappeared around the other side of the door, and I was about to close it when she suddenly reappeared around the side again._

_ "Buffy was really sad that you're not going to see her prom dress." she said, "She was hoping you would think it was pretty," she confessed, then bounded back out into the daylight._

_ I finally closed the door, leaning my forehead against it. It was hard enough remembering the look on Buffy's face the night before, now I had to live with the knowledge of what happened afterwards._

~0~

I eyed Dawn as she sat on the couch beside me. Looking at her, and remembering her twelve-year-old counterpart was like night and day. Her expression was a lot more serious, and less petulant than it had been during her last visit, and instead of urgency and dismay colouring her features, she looked a lot more concerned.

"What is it?" I asked quietly.

Dawn chewed at her lip, and her brow furrowed in concentration as she looked down at her hands, "I don't really know... but she was crying last night. I heard her through her bedroom door when I was going to the bathroom."

I studied her silently, not really sure where she wanted me to go with that information. She looked at me pleadingly, but I was at a loss, "Why are you telling me?" I asked.

"Don't get me wrong," she began, "Because she's gotten so much better since you showed up... it's just... the only other time she really showed any emotions in the past couple of months was when she was yelling about you showing up unannounced, and she hasn't cried at all since coming back so..." she trailed off bashfully.

"You think it has something to do with me?" I sighed.

"No offence, but you do kinda have that effect on her..." she shrugged.

I grimaced.

"I'm probably out of line, I'm sorry..." she rambled.

"No, no," I sighed, "We had a bit of a fight on patrol last night," I confessed.

"About what?" she asked.

"I... I don't really know," I replied in confusion.

Dawn frowned, "I know it's none of my business Angel," she began, "Because I've never really been in love, and I was too young to understand everything that happened between you two before you left, and it's really none of my business... I said that already..."

She paused, and looked a little uneasy.

"It's okay Dawn, what is it?" I encouraged her.

She exhaled heavily, "It's just, even before the whole mess with Glory, Buffy was never the same after you left. She stopped caring... or maybe just stopped showing people that she cared... or maybe I'm remembering stuff wrong cause they're all fake memories anyway..." she rambled on.

"If you remember it, then it's not fake," I assured her, "You're here, and you're real, so that means so is everything you remember."

She smiled at me thankfully, and then continued, "Basically, all I'm saying is that I want my sister back... and I don't feel like she's really been my sister since she lost you."

I studied her sadly, she looked so desperate, so confused. It pained me to know that in the end, I couldn't help her with her request.

"I'm only here to help her adjust, there's nothing else I can do." I explained quietly.

It was Dawn's turn to grimace, as she went back to twisting her fingers in her lap, "Don't you get tired of doing this to yourself?" she huffed, "She still loves you, I can tell by how flustered she got when she found out you were back. And I don't think you'd stay away from your shiny new life in L.A. for this long if you didn't still feel something for her!"

"It's not that simple, Dawn, there's still-"

"The curse... I know..." she sighed, "This is so unfair..." she grumbled.

"You're telling me." I replied wryly.

She smirked, and looked back down to her lap, "But you do still love her... right?" she asked quietly, peering up at me through her eyelashes.

I frowned, and turned away from her. Talking to Doyle about my feelings for Buffy was one thing; he was dead, who was he going to tell? But Dawn was a different story.

"It's not important."

"But it is!" she pleaded.

"Why do you want to know?" I asked.

She shrugged, and her cheeks reddened slightly, "No one ever wants to tell me anything... I just want to feel like I'm in on a secret too." she confessed.

I chuckled quietly. Underneath all her complexities, she was still just a normal teenager, wanting to be part of the gossip, "_Can_ you keep it a secret?" I asked, deciding to play along for a bit.

"Please! Who would listen to me even if I wanted to tell?" she scowled.

I smiled at her sympathetically, who would it hurt to indulge her a little? Besides, it might make her ease off Buffy a little, "I do. I'm sure you knew that without even asking."

She returned my sympathetic smile, and sighed, "I wish I had a guy that head-over-heels for me," she mused.

"You will one day, trust me," I assured her, "Teenage boys are stupid, you just need to give them a few years to mature," I advised her. I had one particularly stupid teenage boy by the name of Xander Harris in mind as an example.

"Yeah?" she chuckled, "How long did it take you to mature?"

I frowned again, "I'm a bad example."

She snickered, and I couldn't help smiling at her. It upset me to think of her and Buffy locking horns so often, she wasn't a bad kid when you could get through to her; but she had the trademark Summers' women's stubborn-ness. I thought maybe it couldn't hurt to attempt some damage control, "It's nice of you to try and help Buffy like this," I complimented her.

She rolled her eyes at me, a terribly adolescent move, before blushing again, "It wasn't completely selfless," she confessed, "I was thinking maybe if I could get you two crazy kids back together it would cheer her up and she'd get off my case."

I grinned at her, before my expression became serious again, "Buffy's just trying to do what's best for you," I told her, "This isn't easy for her either."

"Yeah..." Dawn sighed, "I know..."

"You guys should try to cooperate more, it'll make both your lives easier."

She shot me a dirty look, "Now you sound like Giles."

"Alright, alright! I get it, it's none of my business."

She scowled again, "Sorry... I'm just tired of everyone telling me what I should do."

I nodded, "Well, not to sound condescending, but you should get going before the sun sets and Buffy starts worrying about you."

She sighed, "Yeah, I guess you're right." she rose from the sofa, adjusting her clothes, "Sorry for bugging you Angel,"

"It wasn't a bother at all." I replied honestly.

She smiled gratefully, and headed for the door.

"Hey Dawn?" I called after her.

She turned back to me.

"How about this;" I began, "Next time something is bothering you, instead of taking it out on Buffy, you come here to talk to me?"

She eyed me wearily, "You mean it?" she asked.

"Absolutely," I knew I would probably be in hot water if Buffy found out, but if it would give her an easier time at home, I didn't mind spending a little extra time with Dawn.

Her lip twitched in a half smile, and she nodded, "Yeah. Okay."

"Alright," I nodded, "See you later."

"Yeah," she replied, then slipped out the door.

I watched as it clicked shut behind her, and wondered if in a few short months I would be forced to smuggle her across a wasteland that had once been California. Keeping Dawn safe had been the only thing keeping me sane... the only thing keeping me from focusing on the fact that Buffy was gone and I would never see her again. I shuddered slightly, and fought to keep the panic that I had so far managed to keep at bay from surfacing. It had already been almost two months since I'd been dumped back in this time by the Powers That Be, I only had three more to keep the light of my life from being extinguished.

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**Chapter 13 coming up!**

**Please review!**


	14. Chapter 13: Cruel

**March 3rd: STOP! Go back and read Chapter 12 if you haven't already, posting 2 chapters this week! ;)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: As promised, 2 chapter updates this week! This one is pretty short, I couldn't figure out a later place to break that didn't ruin the flow of Chapter 14.

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Chapter 13: Cruel

It didn't surprise me when I arrived at the Magic Box that evening to not find Buffy there. I was sure given her outburst that she would be doing everything in her power to avoid me until either she cooled off or I apologized – not that I had the slightest idea what had sent her over the edge -... even if that meant she spent another night patrolling with Spike.

It did surprise me once I strode through the door, however, to discover that Willow was the only one in the shop. She explained to me with an exasperated grin that Anya had insisted Xander take her on a real date, and had left Willow to lock up for her. I returned the grin, as I slid into the chair opposite her, and silence fell between us once more.

"Are you meeting Buffy?" she asked finally.

"I think so..." I replied, "Did she say anything to you?"

Willow shook her head, "No. She's been pretty... withdrawn the last few days."

I frowned, "You don't know why?"

She glanced at me, before looking away sheepishly, "Um... well, no... but I kinda assumed it had something to do with you."

I sighed, "You're not the only one..."

"Sorry."

"Don't be, I'm pretty sure I've done enough to deserve it."

"Well no, I didn't mean it like that!" Willow interjected sympathetically.

I didn't reply, I was certain she did mean it like that. Though Willow had always been supportive of Buffy and I, when it came down to it, she was Buffy's best friend, and she would always take her side. She was also a brilliant young woman, I was sure it would just take a bit of life experience for her to realize how foolish our relationship had been.

"Buffy likes to pretend that you don't have an effect on her. I think maybe she thinks if she can fake it long enough she'll eventually stop caring." Willow continued, "The thing is, she doesn't pretend very well."

I remained silent. It was hard enough being away from Buffy and imagining her carrying on with her life, falling in love with another man, forgetting about me... but thinking that instead she was just lonely and miserable did nothing for my guilty conscience.

"To be honest, I think she feels guilty that she's worried you enough to keep you hanging around here so long."

"I told her I would leave whenever she wanted me to." I confessed, "Right now I'm just staying until everything with this scroll is sorted out."

"Are you sure?" Willow asked.

"What do you mean?" I questioned.

Willow sucked in a long breath, and looked down at her lap, "Xander told me you two got in a fight last week."

I frowned, remembering the argument I'd had with the younger man, and what I'd said about the spell they'd performed, "I was just frustrated Willow, I didn't mean it."

"Don't apologize Angel," she replied, "You were right."

I blinked at her in shock. This was unprecedented, I assumed she would take the side of her oldest friend.

"We weren't prepared..." she divulged shakily, "I thought we knew what we were doing, but I don't think we really did... and we could have really messed up."

I watched her quietly as she spoke. Her eyes grew wide and fearful, and she seemed to be lost in another world, "I was so consumed with getting her back... getting her out of wherever she was... I didn't stop to think that something could go wrong... What if I did hurt her?"

Her eyes had become glassy, and her knuckles were white from clenching her fists so tightly. I reached across the table to take one of her hands, "You didn't hurt her Willow, trust me." I reassured her, "Buffy's dealing with other things,"

"Then why won't she talk to me about them?" Willow whispered sadly.

I shook my head, "I don't know... but that's what I'm trying to find out."

"I just want her back the way she used to be," She said with a sad yet hopeful smile.

"So do I," I confessed.

Still smiling, she placed her other hand on top of mine, and gave it a comforting squeeze. Despite the overwhelming amount of devastation I knew could possibly be on the way, I felt momentarily calmed knowing that I still had support coming from somewhere.

It was at that moment, that Buffy finally stepped through the door. She swept into the shop swiftly, walking with purpose, but came to an abrupt halt when she spotted Willow and I together.

Willow turned to her friend, and smiled, "Buffy! Angel was just waiting for you!"

She smiled tightly to Willow, before turning to me. Her expression fell, and she studied me uneasily with her lips pursed in a thin line, "I guess we should get going then?" she asked flatly.

"Sure," I replied, rising from my chair.

She spun quickly on her heel, and stormed back out of the shop before I even had time to follow. I turned back to Willow, who was offering me an encouraging smile.

"Good luck," she said.

I grinned, "Thanks."

She shrugged, "I think you and I just want the same thing... I'm happy to offer moral support."

With one last smile, I turned, and followed the path Buffy had taken outside.

Once pushing through the door, I was surprised to find Buffy waiting on the sidewalk with none other than Spike at her side.

"What are you doing here?"

"Waitin' for your sorry arse, what else does it look like?" Spike drawled, "I wanted to just get on with patrolling, but no, Buffy said we had to look for you first."

"That's not what I meant, and you know it." I growled.

"Spike's gonna patrol with us," Buffy interjected before our conversation resulted in fisticuffs, "If this scroll is that much of a threat, I thought it would be best if we had more help... and maybe split up to cover more ground."

I studied her incredulously, her expression was blank and cold, almost as though she'd regressed back to the state she was in when we met on the cliffs. "I don't think that's a good idea Buffy," I warned.

"Why not?" she asked, her tone clipped.

"We don't have proof that the scroll is even still in Sunnydale, we're just making ourselves more vulnerable."

"Well, we're never going to be able to confirm those suspicions if we patrol one cemetery at a time." she countered.

I had no reply. I couldn't understand why she had suddenly decided to push me away, I didn't know what I had done.

"I'll cover Restfield, and the rest of the cemeteries nearby, you can cover Shady Hill and the surrounding area, and Spike, you take the rest." she ordered, and just as quickly turned to leave.

"Buffy!" I called after her.

She spun back around to eye me wearily.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked. Given the fact that Spike was watching the entire interaction unfold, I was worried I sounded too desperate, but I would deal with his ribbing later.

"Yes." she answered simply, before turning her back to me, and disappearing around the corner.

Behind me, I heard Spike chuckle, and I turned to glare at him.

He stood, rocking on his heels, with his hands shoved deeply into his pockets, and a knowing smirk plastered on his face, "Tough luck Peaches."

I brushed past him with a low growl, making sure to check him in the shoulder as I passed, "Just get to work Spike..."

"I don't think you're in any position to be giving orders, Pal!" he retorted.

I didn't turn around, I just kept walking.

~0~

Instead of making my way to Shady Hill, I found myself standing on Giles' doorstep. As I knocked quietly, I prayed silently that he hadn't turned in for the night. Though I knew our relationship was still strained, he was obviously concerned about Buffy's mental state, otherwise he would have never contacted me. Under the circumstances, I decided if there was one person with whom I could voice my concerns about her recent lapse, it was him.

The Watcher cautiously opened the door a crack, "Angel? Shouldn't you be patrolling with Buffy?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered darkly, "I should."

Concern furrowed his brow, and he pulled the door open the rest of the way so I could pass, "What do you mean? Has something happened?"

"She's not hurt, don't worry," I assured him, hearing the panic in his voice, "But..." I paused, I felt the panic rise in my chest as I thought about what this current development could mean for the coming end of days, "She's pushing me away again."

Locking the door, he turned, and slumped against the hard surface, "I was afraid this might happen..." he sighed.

"What do you mean?" I questioned.

He rubbed a hand over his forehead before looking back up to me, "I'm sure it's no secret that she still feels for you."

I grimaced, "Lately, I'm not so sure I'd agree with you."

"She let you in, Angel," Giles began, "She's trusted you to help her heal, and in the process she opened up herself to you again... I was worried that perhaps once she was feeling more like her old self, she would worry about what this could do to her emotionally, and begin to distance herself from you again."

"No, there's something else going on," I argued, "But for the first time since I met her, I can't figure out what it is."

That was it. Buffy and I had fought and had many disagreements in our time together, but I'd always known, or been able to figure out why. I was at a loss this time, everything had seemed fine, then she had just done a complete one-eighty.

"She's been through a lot, Angel. She's getting better at closing herself off from others." Giles countered.

"Well I don't want her to." I whispered dangerously. I couldn't help feeling that Giles was simply trying to brush me off. I'd done what he'd needed me to, and now that I may be the cause of Buffy's problems, it was time for me to go.

What he didn't know, was that I couldn't. I wouldn't leave her side until I knew there was no danger of her losing her life again. If that meant I had to fight her every day until she confessed why she was being so distant, then so be it.

"She's a grown woman, you can't control her... not that anyone ever could." Giles huffed.

"I'm not trying to, but I'm not giving up on her." I confessed, "If she keeps going down this path, if she shuts herself off and just becomes a robot, she'll end up like every other Slayer in history: dead. I won't let that happen."

"It already has," Giles whispered, the tone in his voice was defeated, "That's why we're in this mess, isn't it?"

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**Can't think of much to say right now... I hope the tension is mounting a bit at least...**

**I guess what I can say is that I promise you'll find out what happened to Buffy soon, not that many more chapters, I promise!**

**Please review!**


	15. Chapter 14: Comme Se Noyer

_**This chapter is dedicated to the memory of a friend who left this earth before their time; it's hard to believe it's already been five years.**_

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Thank you again to all the people who take the time to review! I'm happy there hasn't been anyone raging about anything yet... then again I still haven't killed off Buffy, so I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. ;)  
I've got a more substantial update this time around, so we're back to one chapter updates, and here we go!

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Chapter 14: Comme Se Noyer

_ It was nearly dusk The others were all still asleep, and I had been up all night pouring over more volumes to look for answers. My progress had been grim, it was starting to look like Wesley had been right all along; there was nothing we could do. I closed another book, and leaned back in my desk chair with a sigh. To engage in battle with no indication of how to overcome our opponents was not something I was looking forward to. My thoughts flew to my friends and allies asleep upstairs, how many of them would be able to survive?_

_ I was shaken from my reverie by the Hyperion door being pushed open violently, and someone's hurried footsteps thundering through the lobby. My office door was suddenly thrown open to reveal Buffy in the doorway. Rage burned in her eyes as she glared at me silently._

_ "Buffy, what-"_

_ She cut me off, her voice almost inaudible, if I hadn't had vampiric senses, I'm not even sure I would have heard her, "What's a Shanshu?" she asked._

_ I froze. My mind went absolutely blank and I simply stared at her dumbfounded as my stomach began to twist into a knot, and I prayed silently that I'd misheard her, "What?"_

_ "You heard me." she replied flatly._

_ I could barely form a coherent though, "How did-"_

_ "Lorne." she explained before I could finish, "He thought I already knew. We ended up having a very interesting conversation." she spat coldly._

_ Buffy had decided to go out to try and see if she could pick up any sort of buzz about what was going on. Lorne had offered to go along, believing that she'd have better luck milking information out of the demon community if she had one with her. At the time I had thought it was a good idea... in hindsight, however..._

_ "So you find out that you have a chance at becoming human one day, and it doesn't even cross your mind to mention it to me?" she hissed._

_ I rose from my chair slowly, but kept the desk between us, "One day, Buffy... One day. It doesn't give a timeline, and we're not even sure if it is about me. I didn't want us getting our hopes up for something that might not happen during your lifetime... or at all." I explained._

_ "What's wrong with a little bit of hope?!" she exclaimed._

_ "You were with Riley when we discovered it!" I sighed in exasperation, "What did you want me to do? Swoop in and complicate things for you?!"_

_ "Yes!" she shouted, "And it wouldn't complicate anything, because even back then if I'd had to choose between Riley or you, you would win! Hands down!"_

_ "It doesn't change anything between us now. I wasn't about to ruin your chances at having a normal life because you were waiting around for me." I argued._

_ "I can't have normal! I'll never have normal!" she cried, "How many twenty-one year olds do you know who've died twice?!" _

_ I sighed, trying to compose myself. I'd learned over the past two years that leaving in hopes of Buffy finding a normal life had been a flawed argument, she was destined to spend her life battling evil, standing toe-to-toe with death, there was no way she could ever hope to have the things she'd dreamed of as a sixteen year old. Regardless, the curse made it an impossibility for us to be together, and arguing about us being together after a prophecy I wasn't even sure was about me came to pass, was like beating a dead horse._

_ "I'm not having this conversation with you Buffy," I stated calmly._

_ She sighed, though it almost sounded like a growl, "I'm so tired of you keeping secrets from me."_

_ I furrowed my brow in confusion, "What do you mean? What have I ever kept from you?"_

_ Suddenly her eyes were filled with tears, and she looked like she was struggling to begin her sentence, "When I was... when I was dead," she started._

_ I felt a chill run up my spine, this was the first time I'd ever heard her say she'd been 'dead' when referring to the time she spent in Heaven. It was almost too much for me to bear, although it seemed like nothing once the next words left her lips;_

_ "I remembered some things... things I swore I'd never forget." she explained barely above a whisper, her face looked like she couldn't decide whether to cry or be angry._

_ 'I'll never forget... I'll never forget...'_

_ Without her having to even say another word, I knew exactly what she was talking about. Somehow, while she was on the other side, she'd remembered The Day. I felt as though she'd just plunged a stake into my heart. I licked my lips before replying, "How?" I asked shakily, even though I wasn't sure I even wanted to know._

_ She merely shrugged, "It's a different plain, time didn't seem to exist... I could remember everything about my life, every little detail... things from my childhood that are barely more than a haze now were crystal clear..." she recalled, she seemed dazed, almost in awe, "And that day..." she trailed off as she hastily wiped a tear as it slipped down her cheek._

_ "I had to... your life was on the line..." I argued weakly._

_ "Isn't it always?" she replied morosely, "Well, I died anyway, so thanks for taking the one day in the past four years I can remember being truly happy and erasing it from time. I really appreciate that." she continued with a grim chuckle._

_ She was twisting the stake in deeper, guilt was eating away at me, "Please, I thought I had no other choice. I couldn't let you risk your life for me."_

_ "I didn't realize it was up to you whether I live or die." she answered simply._

_ "It's not..." I answered. I'd just wanted to keep her safe._

_ "Then how dare you toy with my mind... my memories... my heart," she finished in a whisper._

_ I'd always dreaded the thought of Buffy finding out what I'd done. Even while making the decision to give back my humanity and erase our time together I knew if she could remember, she'd never forgive me. Seeing her walk away without a word after I'd killed the Mohra demon had felt like assurance that I would never have to have this conversation. "I was just doing what I thought was best," I explained quietly._

_ She scoffed, her mouth twisted into a grimace despite the tears that still shone in her eyes, "Funny, that seems to be your go-to explanation whenever you do something to hurt me."_

_ And that was it, the final blow. I had no words to try and ease her mind, to convince her that I was in the right. "I'm sorry," I offered weakly._

_ "You always are," she whispered, before turning and disappearing out the door. I could hear her footsteps echo through the lobby, then rush up the stairs to her room as I sunk back into my desk chair. I felt sick, or at least what I remembered being sick to feel like... she would never trust me again._

~0~

Groggily, I opened my eyes and rubbed a hand over my face. The dreams and flashbacks of the past were getting easier to deal with, but in light of my conversation with Giles the night before, I woke with a gnawing sense of guilt.

Buffy confessing that she'd remembered our lost day, and the revelation that there was a prophecy that could once again grant me humanity that I kept hidden from her, had essentially destroyed whatever had been left of our relationship. By the time we were ready for an attack on the Four Horsemen, we were barely talking. I had wanted to apologize, to try and mend the rift, but I could neither find the words, nor an appropriate moment to talk with her. Our last days together had been strained and painful. It was no wonder her death had haunted me so.

It was then that my thoughts turned back to the conversation with Giles the previous evening;

_"It already has, that's why we're in this mess, isn't it?"_

I was certain it wasn't what he was referring to, but I thought back to what Dawn had said when she'd shown up unannounced the day before, how she believed Buffy had slowly shut down from the moment I left... was it possible I was partially responsible for more than one of her deaths?

She had trusted me unconditionally. Even after I'd tortured and tormented her and those she'd loved, she cared about me enough to look past that; and all I'd done in the end was throw it back in her face. Was it possible that in trying to do what I thought was right I'd only ended up betraying her? Was what I'd deemed a selfless act in reality only the catalyst that set her death in motion? Had I unknowingly extinguished the fire that had made her such a compassionate and courageous fighter?

The revelation that I could have played a part in her initial downfall left me feeling hollow. To think that all the times I thought I was doing the right thing and protecting her, I could have been digging her grave.

To think it took me over a hundred years to come to that realization.

Perhaps I wasn't as wise as some gave me credit for.

It was then that another sinking reality hit me; Buffy remembered our day. She had yet to say anything to me, and I could safely assume she would avoid bringing it up at all costs, but she remembered. Had that been why she was acting so strangely? Why she looked so forlorn on the cliffs? So frustrated that I've been offering her help but keeping her at arms length? As much as I'd spent years convincing myself that I'd done the right thing, that Buffy would move on and find someone else, the recent conversations with Dawn and Willow had informed me otherwise. Perhaps all the time she'd spent pretending she didn't know had finally wore her down.

It pained me then to realize that she had been doing to me what she'd been doing with her friends; hiding the truth to protect me. I was sure remembering my brief time as a human was as hard on her as it was on me, but she kept it to herself because she knew I took it back from her to protect her.

All this time I thought I was easing her pain, but I was really just increasing her burden.

I finally gathered the courage to pull myself out of bed, dressed, and exited the bedroom. I could tell the sun had not yet completely set, and it would probably be another half an hour before I could venture outdoors, so I opted to sit down and read for awhile, something to take my mind of the darker thoughts I'd woken to.

I settled myself onto the sofa, but barely had time to read more than three pages before my phone ripped me from the words on the page.

"Hello?" I said, bringing it to my ear.

"Angel! Thank _God_!" Cordelia sighed in a slightly exaggerated fashion.

"Cordy? What is it, what's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing! Well, I mean nothing that you should panic about." she assured me.

"Then why do you sound so desperate to talk to me?" I questioned hesitantly. There was something strained in Cordelia's voice.

"Because I'm going crazy here Angel!" she whined, "Wesley has been in hyper-research-mode ever since you got him looking up that scroll, Gunn's just all aloof and Gunn...like, and I've got nobody normal to talk to!"

I smirked slightly, "Cordy, even though I indulge you from time to time, I don't _really _care about the latest in shoe trends, or whether or not you're considering highlights."

I hoped she would catch that I was teasing her, and wouldn't end up ripping off my head.

"No, that's not what I mean!" she waved aside my jibe, "Though, Hey! That hurts, and we're talking about it when you get home!" I could almost picture her pouting on the other end.

"Alright, alright, just tell me what you meant then."

"I just mean there's no one level headed here. We're fine for day to day cases, we can just put our heads together and eventually one of us comes up with an idea... but the big stuff we're not good at! We need guidance!"

I sighed, I knew it was only a matter of time before my team started to fall apart. Though they were all capable individuals, the fact remained that they would have never come together if it wasn't for me. They needed something uniting them, keeping their differences at bay. "I'm really sorry Cordy, but I can't come home yet. Hopefully it'll be soon." I assured her.

"It better be soon, or else the next time Wesley wanders over to me quoting nonsense from one of his old smelly books I might end up shoving it down his throat!" she huffed.

For some reason, I could sense there was something else bothering Cordelia, something other than Gunn's nonchalance, and Wesley's hunger for knowledge. She seemed irritable, and despite her strong opinions, she was generally unflappable. I couldn't help feeling like there was something else underneath her frustration. "Are you sure that's all that's bothering you?" I asked gently.

There was a prolonged silence from the other end of the line, "Yes... why do you ask?" she asked quietly.

"It's just that you usually don't get this wound up. I mean, normally if Gunn or Wesley got under your skin you'd just pick something out to tease them about, and storm away... why are you calling me?" I explained to another pregnant pause.

"... you know what? You're right, I'm overreacting! I should just-"

"Are you having more visions than usual?" I interrupted, jumping to what I was certain the root of the problem was.

She exhaled sharply, "Why would you assume something like that?"

"Because you always get irritable after those headaches." I explained. She was silent again, "Cordy, tell me what's going on."

There was another sigh, "I don't understand what's happening Angel," she confessed.

"What do you mean?"

"I have been having more visions, the headaches last longer, but I can't make sense of what I'm seeing." she explained.

"How so?"

"They're just too vague," she sighed in frustration.

"What can you make sense of?" I asked hesitantly, fearing what she may reveal.

"There's just... a lot of people suffering... they look, I don't know, sick, and in pain. But I couldn't tell where or when, and..." she paused again, I could almost feel the tension through the receiver, "It scares me Angel. It scares me that I don't know what it is, that I can't help these people, that I can't make the pain stop."

The fear in her voice told me she wasn't just talking about the pain the people were experiencing, but her own as well. Cordelia had been brave so far when it came to the splitting migraines that accompanied her visions, but I knew if they were getting more severe it was only a matter of time before she would break.

"Have you talked to Wesley?" I pried.

"No," she confessed, "He's doing so much already, and it's stressing him. I don't want to add to it..."

"Cordelia," I began sternly, "I want you to promise me if it gets worse, you'll talk to him."

"Angel-"

"Promise me." I all but begged.

"... Alright," she agreed quietly, "I'll tell him."

"Good. Keep me posted, and take care of yourself."

"Yeah... you too Angel."

As I hung up the phone the panic that had been slowly growing inside me began to spread even more. If Cordelia's visions were getting worse, it meant things were closer than they seemed. In my gut I felt that Wolfram & Hart already had their hands on the scroll, and it filled me with dread; if they were already putting things in motion, I had to act quickly.

Not only for Buffy now, but to save Cordelia too.

~0~

_ After we lost Wesley, we walked for almost five days straight. No one asked to stop and sleep, no one complained, and almost no one spoke, unless it was to comfort Cordelia after another vision. It was as though we were both afraid of another attack, and defeated. Yet, we continued on, a fact that shocked me considering how long it had been since any of us had eaten anything. By all means we should be starving to death, but instead we trekked on, the fading hope of saving the rest of the world pushing us forward._

_ It was finally I who suggested we start to look for a place to rest for a day or so when I caught Dawn's eyes rolling back in her head as we walked. She instantly fought me, said she was fine to keep going, but I wasn't taking any chances. So it was then that after searching the perimeter, and making sure there wasn't anything suspicious nearby, we decided to take shelter in a deserted cottage by the edge of the ocean. _

_ It was surrounded by what at one time must have been a thick cover of trees, which I believed kept it hidden from looters for longer than some of the other nearby houses. The doors hadn't been pulled from the hinges, and although the supplies were scarce, there was still a couple of cans of food, and some other necessities that had been left behind._

_ The dead vegetation still offered enough cover that the only direction we really had to keep a look-out on was the side that faced the beach. If anyone came up along the shoreline, the would see the house, and us if we were outside. I took the first shift, standing out on the decaying deck, as the others went inside to sleep. They needed the rest more than I did. _

_ As I leaned gently on the rickety railing, staring out at the inky black ocean, I wondered how much further we'd have to go before we hit some semblance of civilization again... I wondered if civilization still existed._

_ I could tell from the state of the last few houses we'd past that this devastation couldn't have taken place as long ago as it had in Los Angeles, most of the houses were still intact, the damage had either been done by looters, or was a result of abandonment. I hoped perhaps the previous inhabitants had simply decided to flee, and hadn't been victims like those back in L.A._

_ I didn't have much longer to dwell on the other scenarios that could have caused the desertion, as Cordelia quietly snuck up beside me._

_ "Why aren't you sleeping?" I asked._

_ She shrugged, "I can't."_

_ "You should still try. We've been travelling non-stop for five days, it's a miracle you guys are still standing" I told her._

_ "Yeah... it's a miracle all right," she muttered, casting her eyes to the ground._

_ I clenched my jaw. I knew I'd chosen my words poorly, "I know it's hard, but I think things won't seem so bleak if you actually get some rest."_

_ "I don't want to," she answered quietly, looking back out over the ocean. She was silent and pensive for a moment, and I could see she was struggling with something. "Angel...?" she continued in almost a whisper._

_ "Yeah?"_

_ "I..." she paused again, and a far-off expression washed over her face, "I want you guys to go on without me."_

_ I studied her, speechless, for what almost seemed like an eternity, "What?"_

_ She grimaced, and gathering her strength, tore her eyes away from the water to look at me, "I can't do this anymore Angel." tears gathered in the corners of her eyes as she spoke, but she willed them not to fall._

_ "Yes, yes you can Cordy," I comforted her, "You're just overtired. I'm sure if you go back inside, and-"_

_ "No, Angel..." she interrupted, "I don't want to go on," she murmured, "I don't want to see them anymore..."_

_ It was then that it struck me. She wasn't tired, or losing hope, or distraught from all the people we'd lost; it was the visions. The visions that were coming now at rocket pace, multiple times a day. It occurred to me then that she probably couldn't sleep even if she wanted to, the pain and suffering probably plagued her dreams just as they had mine when my soul was first returned. _

_ I continued to study her silently, my first real friend in centuries. At first I never would have thought that I'd ever consider her anything other than an irritating acquaintance, but she had come so far in the short time I had known her. Looking at her now, she hardly seemed the haughty Prom-Queen she'd been back in Sunnydale, in fact, with all the pain and torment in her eyes, it was hard to see her as anything other than a shell of her former self. I had always feared that one day the burden of these visions would become too much for her to carry, and I had worried about what it may cause her to do. Staring into her haunted eyes, I finally realized what she intended._

_ "It could get better..." I stammered, more to convince myself than to convince her, for I knew there was never any convincing Cordelia Chase._

_ "It won't..." she whispered, "I tried. I really tried. I knew you needed all of us to be strong, but after Wes..." she paused as her voice cracked, and took a deep breath before continuing, "I don't think I could watch any more of you die, knowing that there's nothing to stop it."_

_ Guilt was gnawing away my insides, my mind was blank. How, after almost two-hundred-and-fifty years of living, could I not know how to comfort a friend? How could I not know how to keep her from doing what I knew she inevitably would do. "Just... give it one more day," I suggested meekly, "You never know, we could be at the edge of a safe zone, or-"_

_ "Every day, I tell myself 'just one more day'." she began, "Every day, I hope that it'll be the last one, that the visions will stop, that my head will stop throbbing, that my ears will stop ringing with the screams... with the cries... Every day I pray for the strength to keep going like this, but I can't. I don't have another day left in me Angel."_

_ A tear finally slipped down her cheek as she finished speaking, and I reached out to wipe it away, but she pulled back and averted her eyes to the ground in shame. "I never thought I would do this..." she murmured, "I never in a million years thought this would be the way... but I want this to be on my terms. I'm not letting them break me any more."_

_ I smiled sadly, fighting to push the lump back down my throat, "You don't have to explain yourself to me Cordy,"_

_ "I know. That's what makes you such a good friend." she looked back to me, and I could see a tiny amount of relief on her features._

_ I glanced briefly back to the house, "What should I tell them?"_

_ "Tell them... tell them not to worry, because they have the most amazing man in the world keeping them safe."_

_ "Who? Giles?" I asked with a smirk._

_ For the first time in ages, she grinned, "No. You, dummy."_

_ I smiled back, but it faded quickly as the realization that this would be the last conversation I ever had with Cordelia dawned on me. She suddenly became just as solemn and silent._

_ "I'm lucky to have met you Cordelia," I whispered._

_ "No, I'm lucky to have met you," she replied, "Looking back... I don't want to know what kind of person I would have turned into if I hadn't."_

_ I smiled._

_ "Besides, I probably would have died a thousand times over already," she grinned._

_ "Yeah, maybe," I chuckled._

_ Silence fell over us again, and I reached out to pull her into a hug. She wrapped her arms around me, and buried her face in my chest, "I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger Angel." came her muffled voice._

_ I pulled away from her, to look at her one last time, "Don't be silly, you're one of the strongest people I've met."_

_ She smiled, a genuine smile, before the tears returned to her eyes, "I'll tell Buffy she should be proud of you."_

_ Biting back my own tears, I nodded, and with one last squeeze of my arm, Cordelia slipped past me, and climbed down the porch steps to the beach below._

_ I watched her take the first few strides across the sand, before averting my gaze. My eyes studied the decaying wood bannister, the rusted nails holding it together, they travelled over my hands... caked with dirt, with flecks of dried blood that I still hadn't gotten around to trying to wash off. Not that it mattered, if I lost any more of them, the blood that would stain my hands could never come clean._

_ I looked back up finally to see Cordelia taking her first steps into the murky black ocean. As the ebony water rose above her ankles, she stiffened, and suppressed a shiver, before taking her next slow, serene step, then another, and another, and another..._

_ I watched until only her head and shoulders were visible above the waves. It was then that she lifted her arms above her head, and dove down into the inky depths._

_ For the rest of my shift guarding the house, I stared out over the ocean._

_ Cordelia never came back up for air._

~0~

I shuddered, and reached for my book. Cordelia had done things her way right up until the end, but I didn't want it to come to that this time around. Time was running out, and if I couldn't keep Buffy from falling, what hope would I have of saving my friends?

I suddenly found myself unable to focus on the words on the page, my thoughts kept drifting to the horrors that would be in store for all of us if I failed, to the destruction, to the pain, to the horrible gruesome deaths I would have to watch again one, by one...

Panic began to strangle me, I felt more terrified, lost and hopeless than I had in centuries, I...

"Angel?"

I looked up towards the door, Buffy was standing there stiffly, looking as though she were afraid to step into the room any further.

"Buffy..." I muttered, realizing that I was clutching the sides of my book with excessive force. I threw it down onto the coffee table as though it would shake the fears from my soul before rising to face her.

"Intense book?" she asked, inching into the room and gesturing to the novel I'd just tossed aside.

I glanced behind me, "Yeah, you could say that... what's going on?" I questioned.

She began to chew her bottom lip, "I just... I'm sorry," she sighed.

I studied her silently, she seemed tense and on edge. There was something different about her, about the way she carried herself, and there was a look in her eyes that I hadn't seen in awhile.

It was guilt.

I hadn't seen her look at me that way since she'd been taking care of me after I'd returned from Hell, and I couldn't understand why she was looking at me that way now, surely the argument we'd had two nights prior didn't merit that amount of regret. I felt uneasy, but I remained silent and waited for her to continue speaking.

She sighed heavily, "I don't know what's wrong with me, I wish I could just turn it off."

"You don't need to to this, it's not your fault,"

"But it is!" she exclaimed, "You're just here trying to help me and I let all this craziness in my head make it hard for you."

"You've been through a lot Buffy, I understand,"

Her eyes narrowed at me, "Why are you being so understanding about this?"

Because I erased twenty-four hours from your mind without telling you? No, I didn't think that would go over very well. Besides, I knew Buffy well enough to know if she had wanted to tell me that she remembered that day, she would have already. "Because I don't want to fight with you."

If at all possible, she suddenly looked even more guilt-ridden, "You need to stop being so nice about this, you're making all this grovelling really embarrassing."

I finally drew closer to her, "Then stop. We already talked about this; it isn't easy for me to be here either, but I'd rather torture myself a little emotionally and know that you're alright, then run away and worry about you. You just need some time."

She frowned, and looked to the floor, "How much time?" she muttered, "It's already been four months since I came back... what if I never get better?"

"You will," I swore.

"It's just... you and Giles are wigging out about this scroll, and I worry that this big epic battle is going to jump out at us, and I won't be ready."

I continued to stare at her, the guilty expression on her face had not yet left, and I had a sneaking suspicion that she wasn't being completely honest about what had caused her to come here and apologize, "Of course you'll be ready. You always pull through when you need to."

She deflated, "Sometimes I wish being the Slayer wasn't a solo gig."

I attempted a smile to try and lift her spirits, "That's why I'm here to help."

She smiled back, but it didn't quite reach her eyes, "I should go."

I nodded, "Okay."

She turned swiftly, and took the few steps back toward the door, I could still feel the remorse radiating off of her as she disappeared back out into the day.

I couldn't figure out what was bothering her, but I knew there was more to it than wishing she had back-up.

* * *

**For those of you who don't speak french, the title roughly translates to "Like Drowning"... obviously I thought an english title would give too much away. **

**I suppose I'll do my duty and issue a bit of a PSA here: while I've used suicide here as a plot device (mostly because I'm evil like Joss and I love me some tragedy), I don't think it's an answer; if you're depressed and having suicidal thoughts, get help. I guarantee there is at least one person in your life who would be devastated to lose you - sadly, I speak from experience.**

**On a happier note, I've finished editing the rest of this story! So it'll just be a matter of finding a few minutes here and there to upload the chapters. At any rate I'm relieved because I can put my focus back on writing!**

**Please review!**


	16. Chapter 15: Staring Down the Barrel

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Sorry for the lack of update last week! I had an extremely hectic weekend... which then bled into an extremely hectic week with me promising myself that I'd "update tomorrow"... well, tomorrow never came.  
I wish I could treat you all with a two chapter update this week, but unfortunately this is the last one I have uploaded at the moment! I would spend the next little while uploading more, but unfortunately it's income tax season up here in the Great White North, and I'm afraid I've procrastinated far too long already. If it helps any, I'll allow you to imagine me sitting here in front of my computer slowly ripping out my hair as I attempt to make heads or tails of this damned filing software that really doesn't make anything that much easier or more comprehensive... But I digress, here, have some story:

* * *

Chapter 15: Staring Down the Barrel

_I eyed the assembly of stuffy, well-dressed old men that sat around the long conference table in front of me. Most seemed annoyed, suspicious, resentful, while select others just looked indifferent. They had left me waiting for an answer all day, cooped up in some cramped quarters they'd deemed a guest room. I knew they weren't pulling out any luxuries at my expense, I also knew it was pretty futile for me to be here, but I had to at least try._

_ "We've considered your request, Angelus," said the one at the head of the table, I cringed inwardly at his use of my demon's name, and I could tell already that this was probably a lost cause. "But we unfortunately cannot approve of such actions."_

_ Even though he was sitting he still looked like he was looking down his nose at me, "Mr. Travers, please, you have to reconsider-"_

_ "There is nothing to consider, Vampire," Quentin Travers spat the word at me, "We will not break from tradition. This is how the Council has operated since the dawn of time."_

_ "You've never been faced with a war this widespread before!" I growled, "Why don't you come down from your ivory tower and see what's happening out there! All of North America is a wasteland!"_

_ "Angelus," he sneered, his voice haughty, full of disdain, "I'm terribly sorry for all the allies that you lost during the initial battle in Los Angeles, innocents should never be involved in these matters... however, to activate multiple Slayers at once... well, the notion is just ludicrous!"_

_ "Ludicrous, maybe, but you know it can be done. There is a way."_

_ "That's inconsequential," Travers continued, "If this apocalypse is as widespread as you claim, then we will need to reserve our resources. To throw all of our current Potentials into battle at once, well-"_

_ "It would increase the chances of a victory," I interrupted, "You may as well be murdering them if you're going to send them marching into battle one by one!"_

_ Quentin stopped, and glared at me, an icy smile spread across his face, "Perhaps all the time you spent with Miss Summers and her clan have made you forget the rightful order of things."_

_ I returned the glare, and didn't waver. Mentioning Buffy was his way of trying to irk me, and I wasn't going to let it show._

_ "Now, I know you've been around long enough to remember a time when the Slayer was a solitary warrior, when she didn't have vampires, and werewolves, and witches, or other such friends to aid her in her calling," he continued._

_ "I have," I answered, "I've also seen enough to know that Buffy was the most successful Slayer in history for all the reasons you just mentioned."_

_ A chorus of murmurs erupted from the other Watchers sitting around the table, and the icy smile returned to Travers' face. He chuckled. "We turned a blind eye to Miss Summer's antics because between her and Miss Lehane, she was the better choice. However, with them both gone, we feel it is in the Council's best interest to return to tradition."_

_ "Then you're all fools," I hissed, leaning over the end of the table menacingly, "Buffy was as great as she was because she disobeyed your archaic rules."_

_ "She was also killed because of it as well," Quentin retorted. I faltered, and he sneered again, he knew he'd hit a nerve, "Am I not mistaken, Angelus?"_

_ "Buffy died trying to save the world, that's all that matters," I murmured dangerously, "That's more than I can say for the lot of you."_

_ Quentin chuckled, and leaned back in his chair, his fingers tented in front of him, "You know, we ignored your sordid relationship with Miss Summers, and the fact that she did not fulfill her obligation as Slayer in letting you live, because in the grand scheme of things, you were helping our cause. We did you a favour by granting you an audience with us; by all intents and purposes, we should have staked you the moment you tried to walk in the door."_

_ "I'm still trying to help your cause, why can't you see that?" I hissed._

_ "Thank you for your time, Angelus. I'm sorry we could not be of more service to you." Quentin Travers motioned to the two men standing at either side of the entrance to the conference room, and they simultaneously pulled open the large oak doors; my cue to leave._

_ "You're making a mistake," I said in a lowered tone, "What you've just decided may cost everyone on this planet their lives."_

_ "Perhaps," Quentin replied, "But I will have done it without bowing to the whims of a creature like yourself."_

_ I glowered at him a moment, before turning sharply and stalking out of the room. I was back to square one. As I continued through the hallways of the Council headquarters towards the front doors, people eyed me, stepped out of my way as I passed, I felt like a leper. I had come all this way only to come short of being thrown out on my ass by the people who were sworn to protect the earth from what was happening. I had to find a place to relax, cool off, collect my thoughts and figure out my next course of action._

_ A few blocks away I found a small pub, the atmosphere inside was quiet, oppressive, on edge, but it didn't matter. It was no secret now that something terrible was overtaking the globe, most governments were trying to keep the truth under wraps; blame it on natural disasters, terrorist attacks, but it didn't change the fact that in less than a year an entire continent was destroyed. The few patrons inside the dark pub barely looked up from their glasses as I entered and crossed to the bar, they were all too consumed with drinking away their fears. I ordered a scotch, more to keep up pretences than to drink it. I barely had an appetite for blood anymore, let alone things that my body didn't need._

_ After they were all gone, I finally made it up to Vancouver, where I discovered the first signs of the apocalypse had only just begun to show. Frantic, I tried to think of a way to warn people without coming off like some sort of lunatic, when I stumbled upon the new Slayer. She was strong, fast; she was no Buffy, but she had promise. I decided to watch her, to help her from afar, and thought perhaps if I kept her alive long enough, she would be able to beat this, but I'd been wrong. Before the city was even hit with the worst of it, she was taken down. With no hope, I snuck aboard a freighter traveling to China mere weeks before the city was demolished. _

_ I ended up traveling to Tibet, where I sought out a Mystic that I had come across while journeying to the monastery the year prior. It was he who divulged that there was a way to distribute the Slayers powers amongst all the girls who were old enough to be called, and that the Watcher's Council would know what to do._

_ So I began the long journey to England. Stopping to fight along the way, making sure that even if the rest of the world became overrun with demons, that their ranks would still be diminished. From news reports that were still getting out, South America was seeing the worst of it, and signs were starting in Greenland and Iceland. I knew I had to move quickly before the U.K. was hit._

_ My journey was futile in the end it seemed, as I sat amongst the disheartened patrons, waiting for their number to be called._

~0~

Thinking back to my meeting with the Watchers Council, it was no wonder Buffy felt frustrated by her calling. To think she had the fate of the entire world resting on her tiny shoulders every day, and that her only support lay thousands of miles away, in a bunch of scared old men who locked themselves up in their office at the first sign of a catastrophe. Though we had our differences, she was lucky to have Giles. At least he fought by her side, offered her support... lay down his life to avenge her.

It was for that reason that I made my way back over to his home just as the sun went down. Our confrontation the evening before had left a bad taste in my mouth, we were both only trying to help Buffy, it didn't make sense for us to be at odds with each other, and I intended to finally be the bigger man and put all of this behind us. However, as I climbed the steps towards his front door, I began to hear pieces of a conversation floating from inside. Bringing my attention to the window closest to the door, I realized it was open, and that Giles must have company.

"I appreciate him being here Giles, I really do, it's just-"

It was Buffy. I froze, and although I knew I shouldn't be, I continued to listen to their conversation.

"You know he won't leave until he feels you're alright." Giles replied.

She sighed, "I know, but I'm not one of his lost souls, I don't need to be saved."

"I'm well aware Buffy, but given everything you've been through recently, and the appearance of the scroll, don't you think it would be best to have his help?"

"You both make it sound like you're expecting me to have this giant meltdown!" she huffed, "I've been through some _stuff_, I know, but I'm not going to go off the rails, or pull a Faith or anything!"

"Well now you're just being a little dramatic don't you think?" Giles clucked.

Another sigh, "Maybe you're right. I'm just frustrated."

There was a long pause in the conversation, "Would you like me to talk to him? Perhaps tell him that it's better if he returns to Los Angeles?"

"No," Buffy waved him off, and I felt a sudden sense of relief, "When it comes down to it, it'll be good to have the extra help if this scroll has found it's way into the wrong hands... you've been talking to Wesley haven't you?"

"I have, yes." Giles replied.

"It would probably be best to combine our resources right now. I mean, we're just at a dead stop around here... maybe they'll pick up on something we haven't..."

I turned around and quietly descended the steps before the conversation wound down any further. Now was not the time for a heart-to-heart with Giles. In fact, now didn't seem like it was the time for much at all. Despite our conversation earlier that afternoon, the truth was that Buffy didn't want me here. I knew I had forfeited any place in her life when I'd made the decision to leave, however I'd always hoped that she would remain accepting of me being there to lend support when needed. It seemed that time, or a trip to the other side, had changed her feelings on that.

Though her words had cut me, I couldn't blame her. I had been asking for too much, hoping she would stay civil with me after I'd broken her heart numerous times, and the fact remained that if I wasn't trying to save her for the Powers That Be, I probably would have left Sunnydale long ago. It was still for the best that we were apart.

I had never wanted her to think I thought her incapable of fulfilling her duties, or was loosing control like Faith had.

My stomach churned suddenly as I thought of the troubled Slayer. It had been ages since my thoughts had turned towards Faith, and I realized she was currently locked away, repenting for her crimes.

Trapped like a caged bird when the end would come.

~0~

_ We all stood apprehensively outside the gates of the Metropolitan Detention Centre of downtown Los Angeles, staring at the twisted wreckage of the front gates with a sense of defeat. From what I could see, the door looked to have been pried open, the windows blown out... not to mention the carnage that littered the grounds._

_ "I don't make a habit of feeling bad for Faith..." Xander began, "But I kinda do right now."_

_ "Do you think she escaped?" Cordelia asked quietly, eyeing the wreckage in horror._

_ "I don't know..." I muttered, "She wouldn't have gone down quietly, I can tell you that much."_

_ "M-Maybe she's still in there... maybe only part of the building was attacked..." Dawn stammered, attempting to lighten the now solemn mood that had enveloped us._

_ Silence fell upon us again, as we waited for someone to suggest our next move, or perhaps to see if someone would emerge from the blown-out building._

_ "Perhaps we should investigate the interior?" Wesley finally interjected._

_ "Are you out of your bleedin' mind?" Spike retorted, "Forget the fact that you'll probably fall through the floor to your death, who knows what kind of nasties have probably set up shop in there!"_

_ "Not everyone finds crypts and abandoned buildings as inviting as you do Spike," Xander snapped._

_ "Have you seen the critters that are roamin' around out there? Not the types to be picky."_

_ "Enough, you two!" Willow glowered._

_ Shooting each other one last dirty glare, both Spike and Xander stopped talking._

_ "Maybe there are still some supplies inside?" Anya offered._

_ "Yes, that's precisely what I was alluding to," Wesley elaborated._

_ "Hmm, it seems grim, but I don't think we're really in a position to turn down any necessities." Giles agreed._

_ "I'm not going in there!" Dawn squeaked, turning to me with her arms crossed over her chest defiantly, but I could see the fear in her eyes._

_ "No one is," I stated, turning around to study the group, "I'm going in alone," I informed them all with a steely glare._

_ "You can't go in there alone! Are you out of your mind!?" Gunn exclaimed._

_ "If there is anything lurking in there, I can get in and out faster by myself than with the rest of you trailing me." I explained, "If Faith happens to still be here, I'll get her out. If not, I'll see what I can do for supplies."_

_ "I really don't like this idea Angel," Cordelia muttered._

_ "We came all this way to save Faith, and I'm not leaving until I know for a fact she isn't here. We need a Slayer." I countered before bringing my attention back to the rest of the gang, "Gunn, Spike, watch the road and the gates, make sure everyone stays safe."_

_ "And what about you? Who's got your back?" Gunn shouted as I began to stalk towards the darkened entrance to the prison._

_ "If you hear me screaming, you can come in and look for me if you want." I called over my shoulder as I stepped inside._

_ In truth, it was foolish for me to be in here alone. I knew Spike had a point; the structure could be severely damaged, and there could be all sorts of demons living inside, but a large part of me didn't care. I wasn't necessarily looking to die, I had an obligation to fulfill, and I had a group I needed to lead to safety, but if something happened, well, I wouldn't fight it._

_ Once I made my way through what at one time must have been a security clearance, I stumbled into what looked to have been a visitation area. Tables and chairs were overturned, the walls were dented, full of holes, bullet-proof glass was shattered. For the time being, finding Faith here was looking like it was not a viable option, but I continued further into the prison nonetheless. _

_ As I moved into the main building of the facility, I knew I had made the right decision in not bringing the others with me. It was like a scene from a nightmare; cell doors were wrenched and twisted open, bunk beds lay strewn about the floor crumpled or in pieces, and personal effects such as books, photos, clothing, children's toys lay ripped and torn throughout the room. _

_ Not to mention the bodies. _

_ I knew instantly that I would find no survivors here. Whatever had happened had been grave, and a hollow feeling entered my chest as it slowly dawned on me that our only other hope in battle was probably dead._

_ Nonetheless, I kicked aside the debris as I circled the room, trying my best not to glance into the eyes of the horrified victims, their faces frozen in fear at the moment of their death. _

_ Tearing my eyes away, I continued deeper into the cell block, hoping to find my way to some sort of supply room. I had just passed by another open cell, when a tiny voice made me stop dead in my tracks._

_ "Angel?"_

_ I froze, I must have been hearing things, but I turned around anyway, and peered into the cell I had just passed in front of. _

_ "Thank fucking God, I thought I was seeing things!" the voice croaked again._

_ I stared wide eyed into the tiny room, unable to believe the sight before me. There, lying on a cot that had miraculously not been ripped to pieces, was Faith. She was ghostly pale, her hair was limp and dirty, and she was deathly thin, the baggy sweatpants and men's t-shirt she was wearing did nothing but dwarf her frame even more._

_ "Faith? Oh my God..." I gasped, stepping over the wreckage to kneel at her side._

_ "What are you doing here? How did you survive?" she whispered._

_ "Lucky I guess..." I muttered, "I came here looking for you."_

_ She smiled, it didn't go unnoticed by me that it was weak and pained, "Buffy let you do that?" she chuckled._

_ I could feel the hand of stone crushing my heart once more as I looked away from her to the ground, "Buffy... Buffy's dead." I murmured._

_ If at all possible, she grew even more still, I had to look up to make sure she was still breathing. Her eyes were wide in shock, her mouth hung slightly agape, "No..."_

_ All I could do was look away again, shaking my head in shame._

_ "Angel, I'm so sorry," she soothed tearfully, "What about the others? Are they...?"_

_ "No, no they're fine. Everyone's fine," I assured her, "They're waiting outside, I didn't want them in here."_

_ "Don't blame you," she snorted._

_ "Come on," I said, rising from her bedside, "Let's get you out of here."_

_ She remained still, and cast her eyes away from me, "I can't," she whispered._

_ I looked back down to her in confusion, and it was then that I noticed she was clutching her side. Looking up to me, her eyes full of fear, she slowly pulled her hand away, and stiffly lifted the bottom of her t-shirt, revealing a gaping wound in her side. It was swollen, the skin around it yellowed, and oozing pus. I simply stared at it in shock, I knew Slayer healing had its advantages, but by all means she should be dead with a wound that serious._

_ "I don't think I'm gonna last much longer," she confessed._

_ I fell slowly back to my knees, "Faith... what happened?"_

_ She sighed shakily, and I could see her eyes starting to shine with tears, "It was after the quarantine... once things out there got really bad, and the food ran out, and people started saying they were seeing monsters..." she shot me a knowing look._

_ Demons was more like it. As the chaos escalated, the demon community got more and more bold with their attacks, until they were roaming the streets as freely as the humans did._

_ "People were running scared, and they started noticing that all of us in here... well, we were pretty safe from what was going on out there." she scoffed, "Suddenly everyone wanted to be an inmate."_

_ She winced, and placed her hand back over her wound. I took her free hand comfortingly._

_ "The guards were fighting people back from the gates almost twenty four-seven. Parents with children, begging for a safe place to hide, people with sick relatives, hoping we still had medicine to go around... finally, the Warden decided to let them in... more because he was afraid they would break down the gates if he didn't than out of the kindness of his heart..." she paused again, pressing her hand harder into her side, and taking a long gasping breath, "But then they just wouldn't stop coming, every day there was someone else begging for refuge, and eventually the demons got wise to it."_

_ I turned my focus towards the massacre that was spread outside the cell._

_ "They rallied together, broke down the gates... then it was a free for all," she mused. "Most people just tried to run, some fought, almost everyone died..."_

_ "And your side?" I asked._

_ "Big mother of a demon..." she said wryly, "smelled like shit, had these giant hooks instead of hands," she glanced down at her side, "But I took him down with me."_

_ I shook my head, "Why didn't you get help?"_

_ "Thanks to all the freeloaders our medical supplies were depleted. All I could find were a few pills of Penicillin, a couple days worth of gauze..." her voice cracked finally, her emotions getting the best of her. I squeezed her hand harder._

_ "I was in so much pain I could barely move..." she whimpered, "I knew I wouldn't be able to get very far out there like this, so I just stayed... I just stayed and waited to die."_

_ "How long have you been like this?" I asked quietly._

_ "I'm not sure... I guess not that long cause I'm still kickin' right?" she attempted to chuckle._

_ I brushed her hair back from her forehead, she was clammy and cold._

_ "So how bad are things out there?" she asked darkly._

_ "Bad." I answered simply, "L.A. has pretty much been wiped off the map."_

_ "Shit..." she muttered._

_ We were silent again, and it was then that I noticed her breath rattling in her chest. The infection had clearly spread too far for there to be any hope of her recovering without proper medical attention. I suddenly felt filled with despair; without Faith we didn't have a hope of beating this, and there would be no way for us to track down the next Slayer called._

_ "I can't believe she's gone..." she whispered finally. I didn't reply, and she turned back to me, "I'm sorry I brought it up again."_

_ "No, no, it's okay." I replied softly. She didn't look like she had much time left I figured I could hold it together to let her say what she needed to say._

_ "It's just... I was hoping maybe if I ever got out of here, we could finally hash things out... y'know? Apologize for all the stuff I did to her... to you..."_

_ "You know I already forgive you Faith," I comforted her._

_ "I know, but she didn't." she explained, "That was the biggest thing... the other stuff, I'm sure eventually she could've forgiven, but the fact that I tried to kill you? She was never able to look past that." she stopped talking, and studied me quietly._

_ I wondered how tragic I must have looked for her to be watching me with such a heartbroken expression on her face, "You were there, weren't you?"_

_ "What?" I asked in confusion._

_ "When Buffy..." she trailed off, she didn't need to finish the sentence._

_ I winced and looked away again, "Yeah."_

_ I felt her squeeze my hand weakly, "Christ, Angel..."_

_ I just shook my head, as my eyes travelled back down to her weeping side, "I'm so sorry this happened to you."_

_ "No biggie," she said wryly, "It's not like it's the first time I've been stabbed, right? At least I knew what to expect."_

_ I tried to grin._

_ "Although," she continued, "I could've done without the infection... this part's not so much fun."_

_ "I wish I could help you," I told her earnestly, she seemed so much better than the last time I'd seen her, I felt like she deserved another chance._

_ "You can," she said quietly, and I looked back to her, questioningly. A wave of pain washed over her, and she took a long, rattling breath in an attempt to ride it through. She turned to me with her brow creased in agony, her eyes wide and pleading. She didn't look like a reckless, lawless, killer anymore, she looked like a frightened girl, "Stay with me?" she whispered._

_ I readjusted my grip on her hand, and settled myself on the floor a bit more comfortably, then looked back to her with a sad smile, "Of course."_

_~0~_

_ Twenty minutes later I stalked out of the prison towards the front gates. Spike and Gunn began to jog towards me as the rest of the group scrambled to their feet, hopeful expressions on their face._

_ "Still in one piece, Boss?" Gunn asked._

_ "Yeah," I answered. Physically, at least._

_ Cordelia was the next to approach me, "Was Faith in there?" she asked hesitantly._

_ I stopped in front of her briefly, and considered lying to the rest of them, they didn't need to know the details of Faith's slow and painful death... but I couldn't. Faith died fighting for good, I couldn't deny her the recognition she deserved, "Yeah, she was." I said simply, then stalked on._

_ No one asked any more questions, they just stood rooted in place, as they watched me exit the gates, pick up our bag of weapons, and continue walking. "Come on," I called behind me._

_ I didn't look back, but the scuffling assured me they were following._

_ They didn't ask anymore questions._

~0~

I patrolled on my own that evening. I didn't run into Buffy, nor did she call, so I assumed she wasn't missing my presence too much. It was another uneventful night, though I did find one newly risen vampire to take out some of my frustration on, before returning to the mansion just before sunrise.

On my walk back to my temporary home, I started to consider packing up my things and heading back to L.A., it was what Buffy wanted at any rate. I felt it was safe to assume at this point that the scroll was no longer in Sunnydale, and as much as I dreaded the thought, it occurred to me that it was most likely in the hands of Wolfram & Hart by now. It would only be a matter of time before they unleashed it on the world, and I knew I should be there for my team when it all went down.

On the other hand, it terrified me to think of leaving Buffy alone. She had no idea what was to come, no idea of the danger she was in. Despite all the recent tension, there was a part of me that just couldn't leave her side. Time had weakened my resolve, staying away from her seemed harder than it had the first time around.

I was shaken from my thoughts as I slipped through the front door of the mansion, and discovered Doyle pacing in front of the fireplace.

"Doyle... it's been awhile," I mused.

He nodded, his expression grim, "Yeah... well, for awhile there you seemed to have a handle on things. Figured ye didn't need me pokin' 'round in yer business."

"Right," I said, shrugging off my coat and throwing it over the back of the couch, "But now I've screwed up, and the PTB are pissed off, right?"

"Not exactly, no," Doyle sighed. He looked jumpy and agitated.

My brow furrowed, "What's going on Doyle?"

He sighed, "Ye don't happen to have a television in this dusty old castle, do ye?"

"No."

"A radio?"

I thought back for a moment, "I might..." Buffy had brought over a radio one time, she liked to listen to music while she trained. I disappeared into a spare room, wondering if perhaps she'd forgotten it was here. I pulled open a large oak wardrobe, and found it sitting on one of the shelves. Grabbing it, I returned to the main room where Doyle still paced. "Here. What do I need this for?"

He scowled, and took a deep breath before continuing, "Look for a news channel... preferably one for the Los Angeles area."

Before I could ask him more questions, he was gone. Left alone with a sudden creeping sense of fear, I prayed the batteries inside the radio weren't dead, and hit the power button. Searching through the stations, I finally found one serving L.A.

_"... this has been the two-hundred-and-thirty-fourth reported case of fever in the past twenty-four hours, leading medical professionals to believe it could be signs of the start of an epidemic. Anyone showing signs of an increased temperature are urged to see their family practitioner, or go to a hospital. Until further details are released, or causes are determined, citizens are instructed to-"_

My hand slammed down on the power button, silencing the small machine, as my body began to shake.

It was happening.

I had been blindsided again, and those damn lawyers had managed to smuggle the scroll out of Sunnydale without anyone noticing, even with my prior knowledge of what was to come. The first seal had been cut, and I felt lost and hopeless; was there enough time to get to Wolfram & Hart before they decided to go further? What were my options without involving Buffy?

Fishing for my phone I dialled L.A.

"Angel Investigations, we help the helpless!"

"Cordy?" I sighed in relief.

"Angel! Did you see the news? Crazy stuff isn't it?"

"I did," I muttered, "Listen, this isn't a medical emergency," I continued slowly.

"What do you mean?" Cordelia asked, confused.

"Someone's started to open the scroll, this is the beginning."

Cordelia was silent for a moment, I was sure Wesley had been rambling about the devastation that could be caused if this apocalypse was put into motion, she exhaled sharply, "Are... are you sure?" she squeaked.

"Almost positive. I need you all to stay inside, I'm going to try and look for a solution," I explained.

"Are you sure? We could try and help, I mean-"

"No. It's not safe there anymore. I'm gonna try and find out what I can, then I'm coming home." I told her firmly.

"So... what? We're supposed to just sit around on our hands while the world ends? That doesn't seem right." she retorted.

"There's nothing you can do right now without the risk of getting infected. Just make sure all of you stay inside the Hotel, you'll be safe for now."

She sighed, "Alright... if that's what you want."

"I'll be back soon." I promised.

"Okay..." she murmured, and I hung up.

I began to pace, and panic overtook me as my mind wandered back to last time; to the hoards of sick people converging outside the hospitals, the crying, the begging, the suffering...

I gulped, tried to calm myself. I needed to calm down, I couldn't think like this.

I needed Giles.

I was in no shape to come up with a plan on my own, I needed someone who would remain cool, and collected, and logical. Perhaps a heart to heart with Giles would be needed after all.

* * *

**I'm fully prepared for the flack I'm probably going to get for adding Faith into the mix here, but I have to say that I really enjoy writing her character post-S3, when she's on the road to reforming, but is still kind of a bad-ass. Not to mention that I think there's so much to explore in the relationship between her and Angel, I think they relate to each other well, I see them as a dysfunctional brother and sister. **

**Also, I know there's not enough B/A right now, complain if you must, but it won't change anything (because 1 - I've already written the whole story, and 2 - I'm setting up why Angel is losing it). This is Angel's story; why the hell I thought it would be easy to write from his POV is beyond me, but alas, it's what I decided would work best, and it's what I'm sticking with. I decided the most effective way to do it would be to put my biases aside, and try to look at the character's and situations from _his_ viewpoint, so that's what you're getting, and there will be a point to it eventually (one that includes Buffy, I promise).**

**Please review!**


	17. Chapter 16: Eradicate

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Happy Easter weekend for those who celebrate! I thought I would update a bit earlier to give people a chance to read between family gatherings and whatnot.

As usual, thank you to those who reviewed. I'm really happy people are enjoying this not-so-conventional story!

* * *

Chapter 16: Eradicate

I knocked on Giles door early that evening, having left the mansion as soon as the sun was low enough for it to be safe for me to do so. I saw him eye me through the window, and he wearily pulled open the door to greet me.

"Giles." I muttered uncomfortably.

"Angel, what can I help you with?" he asked stiffly.

"I, um, I was just wondering if you caught any of the news today?" I asked.

"I did," he confirmed.

"Did you see anything about the fever in Los Angeles?"

His brow creased, but he nodded his head, "Yes, they mentioned it briefly, why?" he questioned.

"It's the first sign. It's Pestilence. Someone has opened the scroll."

His face suddenly fell, grew gaunt, "Dear Lord..." he gasped, and stumbled backwards to allow me to enter the home.

I brushed past him, and stopped in his living room, rubbing my hands together nervously, "I've been trying to think up a plan all day... but I've been drawing a blank." I confessed.

Giles closed the door, and nodded again, crossing back towards me, "Yes... well... that's understandable," he agreed, "This is a fairly serious situation."

A gross understatement, but he didn't know that yet, "It is," I confirmed, "I know we've exhausted our resources, but I was thinking if there was a way we could prolong the effects of this plague, maybe it'll keep whomever's responsible from moving to cut the next seal. It'll give us more time." I rambled.

"Yes, yes, that would be an excellent option," he nodded, "However, I think in this case, magic would be your best option, and as much as I hate to admit it, nowadays Willow would be able to better assist you with that than I would." he confessed, "She was over here a bit earlier. She told me she was heading over to the Magic Box, she should still be there if you left now."

I nodded, "Right. I'll talk to her." then began to move towards the front door.

"Perhaps we should all head out to Los Angeles? I'm sure your team is anxious to have you back, and having some extra help-" Giles offered.

"No," I interrupted. Giles studied me with a puzzled expression before I continued, "If we can't stop this, if it starts to spread, I think it's best that Buffy and the rest of you stay here, as a second line of defense," I offered weakly.

Giles cast me a curious look, "Very well," he replied, but I could tell on his face that he didn't buy my excuse. His eyes softened, I believed he knew deep down that I was trying to keep Buffy out of harms way. I was positive under different circumstances, he would have attempted to convince me that their aid would be beneficial, but I assumed that in light of the conversation I'd overheard the evening before, he wasn't going to push.

"I'll head over to meet with Willow," was all I said.

With another nod, Giles disappeared into his kitchen, and I exited the home. I was slightly relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about Buffy following me, at least not immediately. It was not rational for Giles to keep Buffy away from a battle of this magnitude, however I knew when it came to Buffy, rationality was not always the first thing he turned to.

~0~

_We had come to a portion of the coast that was directly adjacent to the freeway. Tired and weary from trudging through the sand for countless days, we climbed over the guard-rail, and continued our journey on the shoulder of the road. The long stretch of asphalt was littered with abandoned vehicles, discarded personal effects, the occasional skeletal remain of a poor soul who hadn't been able to run fast enough. The license plates told me that we had made it up to Oregon, yet instead of feeling relieved that we had finally made it out of California, I felt a sense of dread at seeing the complete desertion that surrounded us. _

_ Conversation had lulled to only what was absolutely necessary since Cordelia had died. If they had lost all hope I couldn't tell, as my remaining three companions continued to follow me silently._

_ Dawn had been the only one to question Cordelia's sudden disappearance, and my refusal to answer her had been enough to confirm her, Willow, and Giles' suspicions that she was not coming back. _

_ After resting a few days at the cottage, we decided to continue on. As much as is was nice to not be on the move, or constantly looking over our shoulder for another attack, we knew if we stayed put it would only be so long before the total devastation of Los Angeles caught up to us; we had to keep moving. The few days of repose, however, had reminded everyone of how important rest was, and Willow eventually suggested that we perhaps find a car with working locks, and take turns standing guard while the others slept. Beginning to feel like the outcome of our long journey would be the same no matter how fast we moved, I complied, and we settled into a minivan that had run into the median of the freeway._

_ At the cottage, I had insisted on always keeping watch, feeling it was more important for the others to sleep, however this time they refused to give in, or to even step foot inside the van until I agreed that I would rest as well._

_ When my turn came, I was concerned that I wouldn't even be able to sleep. I was reminded of the first few years after my soul had been restored, when I was so wrought with guilt that I couldn't even close my eyes. When I did manage to drift into a fitful sleep, I was plagued by nightmares. I knew with the horrors I'd seen, it was likely to happen._

_ It seemed I was mistaken however, and as soon as I closed my eyes, I fell into a deep, dreamless, sleep._

_ Only to be woken by Giles' screams._

_ Whether it had been hours or minutes since I'd closed my eyes, I couldn't tell, but I woke to find one of the back doors of the minivan thrown open, and I was the only one remaining inside._

_ "Come back here you coward!" I heard Giles bellow, "You took her! You took her!"_

_ Fear gripped at me, had Dawn or Willow been taken?_

_ "Giles stop! Giles come back!" I heard Dawn shriek, assuaging my fears, and I scrambled from inside the vehicle to discover her standing in the middle of the abandoned highway, her hands clawing at either side of her face in almost an archetypal stance of fear. Turning in the direction she was facing, I discovered Willow chasing Giles down the crumbling asphalt, as he charged towards a figure in the distance, a broken tailpipe in his hand stood as his only weapon._

_ When my eyes fell on Giles' target, I froze next to Dawn in terror. Up ahead stood a horse and rider, the beast was skeletal, sallow coloured, and sickly looking, however its eyes were dark, wild and dangerous. The rider was shrouded in a black hooded cloak, his face completely hidden from view. In his bony hand he carried a scythe._

_ "What happened?"_

_ "I don't know," Dawn whimpered, "It was his turn to stand watch, so I went into the van to sleep, then all of a sudden he was shouting... Willow and I went outside to see what it was and...and..." she stammered hurriedly, "Angel do something, he's not thinking!"_

_ "Stay here," I muttered, then fighting against every impulse inside me, telling me to turn and run the other way, I sped off after Giles, quickly gaining on Willow who continued to chase him down._

_ "Giles! Giles don't!" Willow called._

_ "Do you see what you've done?! Are you proud of this?!" Giles howled, still brandishing the tailpipe like a sword._

_ "Giles! Giles!" I shouted, as I continued to race along behind him._

_ The rider remained stoic, but the horse snorted and stamped its front hoof into the ground as we approached, then suddenly let out a chilling whinny, and reared on its hind legs._

_ Instinctively, I grabbed Willow, and pulled her to a halt._

_ "Let go of me!" she cried, trying to wrench her arm from my grasp, until she turned back, and saw the horse beginning to gallop towards Giles._

_ "Giles! No!" Dawn cried from behind us, and Willow's face drained of colour as the rider and the Watcher charged towards each other at full speed. The rider still cold and stoic, his scythe raised to attack, Giles running as fast as his legs could carry him, shouting wildly the entire time._

_ They finally clashed with each other, and almost as quickly as a blink of an eye it was over. Giles slashed at the rider, the tailpipe barely reaching him atop his horse, and the rider swung his scythe, catching Giles in the abdomen._

_ I heard Dawn wail behind me as the rider pulled back his blade, and Giles collapsed. The rider steered the horse around, trotting it back towards where Giles lay, he stopped next to him, and looked down at the wounded man before turning back to stare at us. Though we still couldn't see his face, it sent a chill up my spine. Then, the horse snorted and the rider urged him forward, disappearing completely into the night._

_ With the Horseman gone, the three of us suddenly rushed towards Giles, Willow cradling his head in her lap. The wound was long and deep, it would be fatal._

_ Dawn's footsteps thundered towards us, and she threw herself onto the ground beside Giles, whimpering unintelligibly._

_ "Giles... what were you thinking?" Willow murmured, barely able to keep her tears from causing her voice to break._

_ "I... I wasn't." he groaned, "I just saw him there... and I thought... I thought of Buffy... and I looked around at what we've been reduced to and..." he winced, "I snapped."_

_ None of us knew what to say, Giles had been mostly silent, strong, and supportive for the entirety of our journey thus far, it hadn't occurred to any of us that he was suffering. _

_ "Please don't go Giles..." Dawn finally wept._

_ Forcing his lips into a pained smile, Giles lifted his arm to caress Dawn's shoulder, "You don't need me Dawn, you have all the protection you need..."_

_ She shook her head frantically, "No, no, no!"_

_ "Please, Dawn..." he whispered, "Be strong. Do it for your sister."_

_ Quieting her tiny sobs, she gazed down sadly at the man who'd become like a surrogate father to her, "I'll miss you."_

_ "I'll miss you too," he winced._

_ Willow began muttering a spell, and Giles suddenly looked slightly relieved of his pain. He turned to me as his eyes slowly began to close._

_ "I'm so sorry," I whispered._

_ "No... no apologies Angel," he murmured, "We couldn't have made it this far without you." _

_ I looked away, not wanting the last thing he saw to be the remorseful expression on my face._

_ "You'll get to safety... I have faith in you all."_

_ And then he was still._

_ We all sat around him a few moments longer, whether it was disbelief, or that we were taking a moment to mourn, I didn't know. _

_ Looking around at the desolate stretch of pavement, I realized we weren't safe, "Maybe stopping here isn't the best idea," I offered softly, "We should keep moving."_

_ Brushing a stray tear from her cheek, Willow nodded, then slowly placed Giles head on the ground as she rose to her feet. Dawn followed suit, but stopped to stare at the form of our fallen friend a minute longer after Willow and I had begun to move away._

_ I turned back towards the teenager, "Are you coming?" I asked softly._

_ "Do you... do you think maybe we should get him off the road?" she asked, "I don't like it... leaving him here."_

_ I studied her silently; the three of us were all each other had now. If it would ease her mind and help her to continue on, then I saw no harm in humouring her, "I'll take care of it," I assured her, "Go catch up with Willow."_

_ With a stiff nod, she turned and hurried down the strip towards Willow, leaving me alone with the lost Watcher. Looking back down at him, I realized I was thankful Buffy wasn't around to witness this._

_ Once I was sure both Dawn and Willow were out of earshot, I spoke, "If I'd seen him first, I would have done the same thing."_

~0~

Arriving at the Magic Box, I was relieved to find that Xander wasn't there. He was still giving me the cold shoulder after our argument, and given the recent turn of events, I wasn't in the mood to be scowled at while trying to discuss important matters with Willow.

Anya greeted me stiffly from behind the register, I knew it would only be a matter of time before Xander's opinion of me finally rubbed off on her. I nodded in her direction, with the friendliest smile I could muster, before turning my attention to the round table where Willow sat with Tara.

"Hi Angel," she greeted.

"Hi Willow... Tara... listen, I need to talk to you," I said as I slid into a seat opposite them.

Willow frowned, I was certain I had an extremely serious expression on my face, "Sure... what is it?" she asked hesitantly.

I scowled, and leaned my elbows on the tabletop before continuing, "I was wondering if you could maybe help me find a spell," I asked.

"Sure!" she answered, her expression brightening considerably, "Tara can help too, what do you need?"

Her enthusiasm was endearing, I almost felt guilty that I would have to tell her what the spell was for and ruin it. "I need something that can delay the effects of an illness," I explained.

"Hmm," Willow mused, "I know there are spells to ease pain, and I even came across one to heal broken bones... I thought it would be helpful for Buffy maybe..." she explained sheepishly, "but I haven't seen anything relating to illness. What about you Tara?"

Tara frowned thoughtfully, "Well... I haven't come across anything either, but I-I can think of a few books Giles has here that might have something," she offered, "W-what kind of illness is it for?"

I braced myself, both Willow and Tara were intelligent girls, if they'd seen any news reports in the last twenty-four hours, they would know what this was for, "Right now, for a fever."

They both fell silent, and cast each other an uneasy glance before turning back to me, "Does this have something to do with what's happening in L.A.?" Willow whispered.

I winced, "Yeah."

"I-it's... it's the scroll isn't it?" Tara murmured.

I nodded, and sighed, "We need more time to figure out how to stop it. If we can prolong the influence Pestilence has over the city, maybe it'll keep whomever has the scroll from unleashing Famine."

Willow's gaze became steely, "We'll do everything we can Angel."

I nodded appreciatively, "Thank you, I mean it."

As I rose to leave, the girls had already rushed into the stacks, and begun pulling out volumes they thought were useful. I prayed silently that they would find something, though I knew I didn't need to, Willow would do everything possible to save those in need.

~0~

_There was an entire week of no incidents or attacks after Giles had been killed, however, we knew better now than to let our guards down; if anything it put us more on edge._

_ We were moving a lot more slowly now, but looking at the mournful expressions constantly plastered on the girls' faces, I didn't have the heart to tell them we should move at a more steady pace. Giles had been like a father to them for the past six years, even despite all the other recent tragedies, I couldn't expect them to take his loss lightly, or heal from it quickly._

_ A way to ease their sorrow eluded me, and so I let the painful silence mount, despite my growing fears that it was doing nothing but breaking their spirits. I didn't know what to do anymore, I had let them down, let everyone they ever knew or loved be ripped from their lives, and left them to wander aimlessly through a nightmarish wasteland. What could I possibly do to make anything right again?_

_ Just when I thought my head would burst from all my dark thoughts, a raspy, pained voice floated to us from a patch of dried out bramble._

_ "Help... help me, please..." it groaned._

_ We all froze, staring into the brush uneasily._

_ "Help... someone...?" it came again._

_ Both Dawn and Willow edged closer to me, as we continued to eye the mass of weeds._

_ "What should we do?" Dawn murmured._

_ "It could be a trap," Willow whispered frantically._

_ "Someone could be hurt!" Dawn countered._

_ I was torn, part of me was weary, the last thing we needed right now was a fight for our lives. However, on the other hand, perhaps saving a poor defenceless soul would be what we needed to give us the strength to continue on our journey._

_ "We'll check it out, but you two stay behind me, and you'll run if I tell you to." I whispered, and we began to slowly make our way into the brush._

_ Twigs snapped as we pushed past them, and dried leaves crumbled in our hands. The ground crunched under our feet, giving away our location, and had to hope whomever or whatever we were about to come across was actually injured. _

_ Once inside the thicket, we discovered nothing more than a frail old man. He was impossibly thin, his hands gnarled, his hair white and unkempt. He wore a long white beard, and looked like he hadn't shaved since the attacks started. His clothing was rumpled and filthy, and he lay on the ground on his side._

_ His milky eyes fell on us, and he squinted to get a better look before relief washed over his features, "Oh... oh thank the Lord..." he sighed, "I thought I was the only one left..."_

_ "Sir...?" Willow asked hesitantly from behind my arm, "A-are you okay?"_

_ "I think I broke my leg, please..." he groaned._

_ Willow glanced at me, and I nodded in approval. We moved slowly to the old man's side, and Willow knelt to examine his leg._

_ "How long have you been here?" I asked him, scanning the area for any signs of an attack._

_ "I couldn't tell you," he replied, "Without the sun... well, it gets kind of hard to keep track, doesn't it?"_

_ I didn't reply, I had painstakingly kept track of every last moment since Buffy had been taken from me, even without the sun, my internal clock was more in-tune than a humans. We'd been on the run for four months. _

_ Dawn knelt next to Willow as she continued to prod at the man's leg, "Why are you by yourself?" she asked gently._

_ It was then that I noticed a strange expression cross the man's features as he stared intently at Dawn, and warning bells went off inside my head. It didn't make sense, a man of his age, in his physical condition, alone in the woods..._

_ "Nothing seems wrong with your le-"_

_ Willow barely had time to finish her sentence before the man's hand was clamped around Dawn's throat, his eyes became black, and a sinister grin spread across his lips, "You... it was you I sensed," he growled._

_ Dawn squeaked, and valiantly tried to wrench herself free._

_ "Let her go!" Willow shouted, jumping to pry Dawn free, but the old man's free hand shot up, and a bolt of energy sent Willow flying backwards through the air._

_ I lunged towards him, but he moved his hand towards me, and I suffered the same attack as Willow._

_ "Leave them alone!" Dawn choked, still wrestling with the man as he pulled her to her feet._

_ "Shhh... quiet... don't waste your strength..." he hissed, running his hand down the side of Dawn's face, she flinched, "So full of mystical energy... it's a wonder no one else has sensed you!"_

_ Her eyes grew wide, and her face drained of colour, "I-I-I don't know what you're talking about..." she whimpered, frightened tears springing to her eyes._

_ "There's a world inside you..." he muttered in awe, "I can open you up and it will spill out... a new world will come... we can let this one burn because we'll have another..." he rambled gleefully._

_ As I pushed myself back to my feet, I could see Dawn's eyes grow wider, she began to tremble, and tried more frantically to pry herself loose, "No... no you've got it all wrong..." she whimpered._

_ "You will save us..." he laughed._

_ "No, no it's not like that!" she wailed, "It's not a good world! You'll destroy everything!"_

_ "Attonitus!" Willow cried, her hand outstretched, and the man flew backwards, slamming to the ground, and loosing his grip on Dawn. She scrambled away from him, and I pulled her to my side, however the man recovered quickly, and aimed another bolt of energy towards Willow. This time she managed to dodge out of the way, before shooting one back herself._

_ "Get behind me!" she shouted, and I dragged Dawn to a safe distance behind Willow._

_ The man attacked again. "Ignis!" Willow cried, and a ball of fire spiraled out of her hand towards him._

_ "Congelo!" he growled, and a freezing wind howled around the fireball, extinguishing it, before he turned his attention back to Willow, using both his hands to shoot another crackling bolt of energy towards us. Raising her hands in front of her, she countered his attack, and her own energy clashed with his, keeping him at bay._

_ "Willow, what should we do?" I called, but she was too concentrated to answer. Sweat began to pour down her brow, the longer she fought him off, and I could see her arms beginning to shake from exhaustion. This was obviously no ordinary man, and from the looks of things he was stronger than Willow was, if something didn't happen soon, we could all be in danger._

_ "Willow! Tell me how to help you!" I shouted over the crackling energy._

_ Willow finally turned her head to look at me, her eyes were dark, determined, "I want you to take Dawn and run," she said calmly, despite the tremors that rocked her body._

_ "What about you?" Dawn cried._

_ "I'll catch up with you, just go!" she ordered._

_ "Willow-" I began._

_ "Don't worry about me! I can stop him, I just need you guys out of range!"_

_ Studying her face, I could tell there was something she wasn't telling me, I stayed rooted in place, pleading with her silently._

_ "Go," she said steadily, "Get Dawn to safety."_

_ Grabbing Dawn by the arm, I began to run, we whipped through the dried out trees at a lightning pace, as light flashed and energy crackled behind us. Suddenly I heard Willow cry,_

_ "ERADICO!" _

_ And we were thrown forward as though an explosion had just occurred, and a blinding light encompassed the area. I pulled Dawn underneath me, shielding her as the howling wind slowed down, until finally there was silence again._

_ Dawn managed to wrestle her way out from underneath my weight, and turned back to where we'd left Willow behind, "Willow?!" she shouted._

_ Silence._

_ "Willow?" I called, rising slowly to my feet._

_ "No... no, no, no!" Dawn whimpered, before taking off in the direction we'd just came from._

_ "Dawn, don't!" I cried, and chased after her._

_ Before long, we were back in the brush where we'd discovered the man, except it was no longer an overgrown thicket._

_ In a large circle around us, the land was barren. There was nothing there but the dirt underneath our feet._

_ Dawn circled the clearing, breathing so heavily she was almost hyperventilating, "Where is she!?" she cried, "Where did she go?!"_

_ My heart sunk in my chest, I understood why Willow wanted us gone._

_ Finally Dawn stopped pacing, and shaking slightly, she turned back to me, "Th-that word she yelled... what does it mean? What did she do?" she whimpered._

_ I studied the girl, she looked so defeated. Everyone she'd ever known was gone, the world as she knew it was destroyed, what was one more horrifying revelation?_

_ "It means..." I swallowed unnecessarily, "It means 'eradicate', or 'obliterate'."_

_ I saw her lip tremble, and her eyes became glassy, but she didn't cry. Taking a shaky breath, she looked around at the destruction, understanding clear on her features before her sorrow-filled eyes fell back on me, "We should keep moving shouldn't we?" she asked softly._

_ My heart breaking at the sight of her trying to be brave for my sake, I nodded, "Yeah. We should."_

_ With a sad smile, she reached for my hand, and I took it, "I guess it's just us now..." she murmured._

_ "Don't worry," I said as we began to walk, "We'll find others soon,"_

_ I wondered if I was really trying to convince her, or myself._

* * *

**So, I forgot that I killed off Giles and Willow in the same chapter... yikes! So sorry for the distressing update right before the holidays!**

**It's really difficult trying to think of ways to kill off beloved characters in a way that won't make people livid, a lot harder than I thought it would be. For Giles, I kept going back to his reaction after Jenny Calendar died, how he sort of flew off the handle and went after Angelus. I figured it was all to likely that he would have a similar reaction to something like this. **

**For Willow, I know I'm making her a lot more powerful right now than she was in the series, but there's a reason behind it... also I think I was reading a bit too much Harry Potter while writing this chapter... haha. Also, I found it really strange in the series how they just sort of "forgot" that Dawn was ever a mystical being, if they ever explained it away they didn't do a very good job because I really don't remember it. Anyway, I like the idea that she is still The Key, and it's something that can still get her into trouble. Hence the creepy old man in the forest.**

**Until next week.**

**Please review!**


	18. Chapter 17: In His Clutches

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: I'm going to just warn you straight off that you're all going to hate me at the end of this chapter... I promise though that there is a method to my madness, and if you can find it in yourselves to forgive me, there will be a BIG pay off next chapter - but I'm not going to tell you what it is.

As usual, thank you for the many reviews!

* * *

Chapter 17: In His Clutches

Two days later, and Willow had yet to discover a spell that could help us. The reported cases of the fever in Los Angeles had grown exponentially, and some hospitals were already filled to capacity.

With what little information we were armed with, I decided it was probably best that I was back in L.A. with my team in order to, at the very least, act as damage control if the situation escalated.

I was back at the mansion, in the process of packing up a few things, when Buffy interrupted me unexpectedly.

She burst through the door of the mansion like a whirlwind, a sharp contrast to the hesitance she'd shown the last time she had stopped by. Upon seeing me standing in the middle of my bedroom, a duffel bag open on the floor, and my arms stacked up with a pile of books, she froze.

"So you are leaving..."

Her expression confused me, she looked almost panicked, "Yeah."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" she asked.

"Things are getting bad over there, my team is gonna need me," I explained, shoving the books into my bag, "Willow isn't having much luck with a spell, so I figure I should make my way back before it gets worse."

"It's only been two days!" Buffy argued, "That's not really enough time to look for anything properly if you ask me."

"Well, if she does end up finding something, then she can cast it while I'm in L.A., we'll be doubly prepared." I countered, dragging the bag over to my dresser, and dumping some clothes inside.

"I'm coming with you then!" Buffy stated.

I felt the cold clammy hand of dread squeeze my heart at her words, and I spun around to face her. She looked a little frightened, but even more strange, she held that look of remorse and guilt again. After hearing her gripe about me to Giles, I was confused by her actions. Even more so, I knew there was no way I could let her set foot in Los Angeles, "No, Buffy. You're needed here."

"For what?" she chuckled, "The two fledgling vamps that dig their way out of the cemeteries every month?" she placed her hands haughtily on her hips, but her expression still betrayed her, she was feeling responsible for something, and I couldn't pinpoint what it might be, "There's nothing going on here, so I figure I'm more useful where something big is going down."

Abandoning my packing, I crossed to her, "I just don't think it's a good idea," I explained, "There's a good chance we won't be able to stop what's happening, if you stay here you can keep it from spreading."

"If I come with you maybe we can avoid giving it the opportunity to spread altogether!" she stepped towards me, challenging my decision.

"It's better if I go alone, you know that." I argued, giving her a pointed look. With the recent strain between us, I hoped she would pick up on what I was insinuating, and drop the subject.

Unfortunately, it did nothing but the opposite, and her regret only became more pronounced, "No... I don't." she replied, "Angel... what happened to us? I thought we were supposed to help each other out if-"

"I don't know Buffy," I sighed, "You tell me."

She looked up at me, sorrowfully. I had mulled it over in my mind, hundreds of times, and I still couldn't figure out what the breaking point had been. When we'd gone from getting along to being so awkward around each other. Had I really been that overprotective? Had I been giving her mixed signals or false hope of something more, something we both knew we could never have?

Perhaps I had, perhaps I had been away from her for so long that I had forgotten how easy it was for us to get caught up in each other. Perhaps I was too haunted by all the horrific deaths, and ways that I had previously let her down to notice that I was destroying our fragile friendship.

Needless to say, I knew it was pointless now to stick around and make things even worse.

"I-I don't know..." she stammered, rather unconvincingly, "I don't like what's happened, how we've drifted apart, and... and I don't want you to leave while things are still like this. Can't you stay just a little longer?" she begged.

I was so confused by her actions, just a few days ago she was wishing I would leave, and now she was here begging me not to. How did we get here, from deciding we would stay apart after we nearly lost control at our meeting on the cliffs? "I don't like leaving like this either, trust me," I began, "But I think if I stay any longer, it'll do more harm than good."

I never took my eyes from her, hoping she would realize that I was talking about us, and not what was happening back in Los Angeles. Finally, the resolve melted from her features, and she just looked contrite once more.

She nodded stiffly, "Alright..." she whispered, "I should've known better than to try and talk you into staying... it never works anyway."

I knew she was trying to play into my guilt, and it was working, but I wouldn't let her know as she spun quickly to rush out of the mansion. She paused suddenly, halfway to the front door and glanced back at me, "Stay safe Angel," she said quietly, then disappeared.

I stared into the empty space through the doorway where she'd stood, and suddenly felt like I'd made a terrible mistake.

If Los Angeles was destroyed, this could possibly be the last time we would ever speak.

Could I live with that?

~0~

Later that evening, I found myself heading to the Summer's residence. For the rest of the day, I couldn't stop mulling over the conversation with Buffy, how beside herself she'd seemed about the state of our friendship – if you could call it that.

Nevertheless, the knowledge that after I left Sunnydale I may never again see her had left a hole in my heart. One I knew I couldn't fill unless I managed to smooth things over, if even just slightly.

Not having a Slayer to fight in this apocalypse could spell the end of me. Though Doyle said if I did not succeed, I would be forced to re-live the one hundred years of Hell once more, he never specified what would happen to me if I succeeded in keeping Buffy from becoming involved. I could only imagine that the Powers That Be would exchange a life for a life, and that if they needed a champion to fall, it would be me instead. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make, to know that Buffy would live, and would have a chance to correct all the mistakes I'd made last time, but if I did lose my life, I didn't want our last conversation to be a strained one. I knew Buffy well enough to know she would never forgive herself for it.

As I climbed the steps up to the front door of Buffy's home, I couldn't help but dwell on my conversation with Giles at her funeral, having to literally smack some sense into Spike, leaving the residence with Willow for the final time, and her tearful goodbye with Tara.

If I left now, I may never have to re-live those moments again.

Instead, my feet stayed rooted in front of the door, and against my better judgement, I rang the bell. After a few moments, I heard footsteps bounding towards the door, and a tiny brunette head peeked at me through the window before flinging the door open.

"Angel," she said, her tone sounding surprised.

"Hi Dawn."

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

I frowned, "What do you mean?"

"Well, Buffy went out to patrol about fifteen minutes ago, and she said she was meeting you." Dawn explained.

"She did?" I asked in puzzlement. Why would Buffy lie about meeting with me?

"Yeah..." Dawn nodded. Her expression suddenly grew serious, "Oh God, something happened didn't it?"

"No! No, don't worry," I assured the teenager, "At least I'm pretty sure nothing happened... are you sure she said she was meeting me?"

It was Dawn's turn to frown, "Yeah, she did."

She studied me quietly as I silently mulled over what could be going on. Buffy was either too angry or too upset about me leaving town to talk to anyone about it yet. I knew my common sense would be ignored yet again as I went out to look for her.

"What's going on Angel?" Dawn asked.

"I'm not sure... did Buffy say where she was supposed to meet me?" I asked.

"Um... I think she said Restfield? To be honest I wasn't really listening... sorry." she confessed.

I couldn't help but smirk, "It's okay Dawn, thanks."

I turned, descended the steps and started to cross the lawn in the direction of the cemetery, when I was stopped by Dawn's voice, "Hey Angel?" she called.

I turned back to glance at her, and she continued;

"You guys should really stop fighting, it doesn't make sense."

I smiled appreciatively at her, "It's... easier said than done." I replied.

"Yeah, well, if you love each other so much, you should act like it sometimes."

I smiled slightly at her, and she disappeared back inside.

Though I was concerned for Buffy, and desperately wanted to find her now to figure out what was going on, I couldn't help but let my thoughts drift over to her younger sister. She may seem like a selfish teen from time to time, but I could already see her selfless spirit shining through.

The spirit that had led her to make the decision that had been my undoing.

~0~

_A month longer, we continued on our way after losing Willow. A month, with no incidents. It seemed it was easier to move quietly with less company. That, or Dawn and I were getting the hang of traveling through the shell of the world. _

_ I tried to stir up some pleasant banter for her every once and awhile, and she humoured me by smiling and attempting to make a joke here and there, but as soon as she fell silent I could see in her eyes that she was elsewhere. She lived mostly in her head these days it seemed, and I only had myself to blame._

_ We'd stuck to traveling through dried-out woods, coastlines, anything that was away from where people might be after the attacks on Giles and Willow. We both agreed it would be safer, however, I had forgotten that it would also mean less opportunities to search for food. It didn't strike me until I noticed her sunken cheeks, that Dawn wasn't getting what she needed to survive._

_ I'd gone ages without feeding, I hadn't had an appetite since Buffy died. The lack of blood wouldn't kill me; it drained my strength, and I knew I wouldn't be as useful in a fight, but I could keep going. _

_ Dawn on the other hand was human, she needed something to sustain herself._

_ The next time we came across a town, I urged her to come explore with me. Frightened of running into someone like the old man we'd found in the woods, she'd fought me, almost in tears, but I could tell it was just exhaustion and malnutrition making her emotional, I finally convinced her we had no other choice._

_ The next town we came across, despite being relatively small, seemed promising. Though it was void of a population, the buildings were all still standing, and I had hopes that perhaps in addition to some food, we'd be able to find a few things to make our journey more comfortable again. _

_ The first few houses we explored, we didn't get very lucky. It seemed the people had taken anything that wasn't perishable with them, however I did find a new sweater for Dawn, since she had ripped the sleeve off of hers to bandage Giles' hand, and the weather was starting to get colder._

_ After a couple more houses, Dawn seemed to be more at ease, and started trying to have fun with the fact that even though it would only be briefly, we had shelter. She even took a short nap on someone's couch._

_ "So this isn't so bad, is it?" I asked, as we entered another home, and I began to poke through their cupboards. Dawn moved instantly into the living room, and began to survey the surroundings._

_ "No, it's actually kinda fun." she answered, crossing to a shelf and pulling off a large photo album. She cracked it open, and grinned for the first time I'd seen in aged, "Hey, you want to make fun of people's naked baby pictures with me?" she giggled._

_ "Dawn, that's not very nice," I said, suppressing a grin._

_ "Come on, I think we deserve a bit of entertainment, don't you?" she asked._

_ "Of course, but it's a bit disrespectful."_

_ "Why?" she asked, "It's not like..." she suddenly trailed off, and the grin disappeared from her face as she slammed the album shut, "... like they'll ever know... Because they're probably all dead." she finished somberly, sliding the album back onto the shelf._

_ I frowned, I hadn't meant to remind her of what was happening outside, "I'm sorry Dawn." I muttered, turning back to her._

_ "It's okay," she sighed, "I mean, this is reality now, right? We can't forget that, or we might end up dead."_

_ I continued to frown, this was not how a normal teenager should have to think, "...Right," I answered hesitantly._

_ She nodded, "Any luck?" _

_ I held up a box of saltines, "I found some crackers, I know it's not much, but it's something we can take with us."_

_ She nodded again, "Sure."_

_ We left the small home, and the photo albums behind, and Dawn paused for a moment on the steps, looking up and down the street. If it wasn't for the brown grass, and the dead trees, you'd never know that anything was amiss, it just looked like a quiet day in a quiet neighbourhood._

_ "I wonder how many other towns are like this," she mused._

_ "I bet the next one we come to will be fine," I answered. I wasn't sure why, she certainly didn't need me to lie to her._

_ "You don't have to pretend for my sake Angel," she replied, "I know we might never get anywhere safe."_

_ I watched her sadly as she climbed down the steps, and I wondered with which one of her friends had her youthful optimism died._

_ We checked a few more houses, and still came up empty handed. I was beginning to worry, crackers would not be enough to sustain her, and we definitely weren't sure that we would come to another town that would be in any better shape. Dawn looked equally discouraged, and I was running out of things to say to keep her motivated._

_ We were nearing the edge of the small town, when suddenly a chill crept into the air. Dawn huffed, and pulled her new sweater tighter around her, when suddenly the sound of hooves beating against the pavement began to echo around us._

_ Dread washed over me, and pulling Dawn closer to my side, I turned around to find him there again. _

_ The sallow horse stamped his hoof into the ground temperamentally as the rider surveyed us stonily from underneath his cloak. They did not move, or attempt to draw closer, they just watched us._

_ My mind was spinning, I didn't know what to do. We were weak, unarmed, and alone, we had no chance._

_ Though I had expected Dawn to start panicking, she remained frozen, in what I thought was fear, until she quietly took a step away from me, her eyes still fixated on the rider._

_ "Dawn, don't move," I whispered._

_ Staring a moment longer in the direction of the Horseman, she finally turned to me, her tired blue eyes filled with understanding, "It's me he wants," she whispered._

_ I surveyed her in horror, "What?" I muttered._

_ "He wants me to go with him... it makes sense now." she said._

_ "No, Dawn, it doesn't make sense at all..." I rambled._

_ "When Giles attacked him, he showed up while I was finishing up my turn guarding the van... he wants me." she explained calmly, as though it was the most logical thing in the world._

_ "I won't let him take you," I swore, trying to pull her towards me again, but she shook off my hand._

_ "I have to go with him," she whispered._

_ I froze, the horror of her statement had all but caused my mind to completely shut down, "What?"_

_ "I have to go with him because... because he took Buffy... and I'm part of her." she murmured, "I shouldn't be here anymore."_

_ I shook my head frantically, the thought of that horrible creature taking the one and only link I had left to humanity terrified me, "That's nonsense Dawn, no."_

_ "It's not. It's true." she said, "The Monks made me out of Buffy, and now I have to go back to her."_

_ I could feel my resolve and my strength crumbling. I couldn't conceive of continuing in this nightmare on my own, with the knowledge that the one person I'd swore to Buffy that I would protect had willingly surrendered to the powers that had torn this world apart. "You're not... you're a real person Dawn, you... you're real." I stammered helplessly._

_ "I know." she answered gently, "And that means I won't last out here much longer, Angel."_

_ I knew she was right, but I couldn't bring myself to let her go, "Yes, you can... you can..."_

_ "I can't." she argued tearfully, "There's not enough clean water, there's barely any food... I'm afraid to sleep because I'm afraid something will attack me... or it'll attack you and I'll wake up alone..." she sniffled, and wiped away a stray tear, "But if I do this, he'll leave you alone. And maybe... maybe you can find a way to stop this."_

_ "There's no point in stopping this alone," I almost wept._

_ "That's not true," she urged me, "Who knows what's happening in the rest of the world... someone needs to find out! Someone needs to help and I know it can be you!" _

_ "No, Dawn, no," I begged, "Buffy, Buffy wanted-"_

_ "Buffy will understand," she stated firmly, "Buffy knows how hard you fought... for all of us. Now she needs you to stop this."_

_ She took a step backwards, away from me, but I lunged out to grapple for her arm, "No, I can't let you do this."_

_ Tearfully, she pulled me into a hug, "I have to, I'm sorry," she whispered in my ear, "Be strong, Angel, keep going for the rest of us." she pulled herself out of my embrace, and casting one last sorrowful look at me, she smiled sadly, and turned back towards the Horseman._

_ "No... no..." I muttered, as the tears I was never able to cry finally came pouring out, "Dawn, please!" I begged, falling to my knees as she continued to move away from me._

_ She didn't look back, or pay attention to my wails as she continued towards the rider, the horse still snorting and stomping his hoof angrily as she approached._

_ "Dawn don't do this!" I cried, "Come back!"_

_ Finally, she reached them, and the rider slowly turned, to look down at her. He extended his skeletal hand to her, and she took it, letting him hoist her up and onto the horse behind him._

_ "No!" I howled, "No, you can't take her!"_

_ The rider barely looked at me as Dawn wrapped her arms around his waist, he turned his horse, and began to slowly trot away._

_ "Dawn! Dawn, come back!" I sobbed, watching her now-stringy brown hair swing with each step the horse took. She finally turned to look back at me, an apologetic and mournful expression played on her features, before she turned away again._

_ "Dawn!" I cried, "Dawn, please! Please don't leave me!"_

_ The horse began to slowly fade away, disappearing into whatever dimension or plain it came and went from._

_ "Don't leave me!" I sobbed, "Don't leave me here alone..."_

_ And she was gone._

_ "I don't want to be alone..."_

~0~

When I finally arrived at the gates of Restfield cemetery, I was almost frantic. I had let Buffy down so many times, in so many ways. I wasn't willing to let things end that way now.

I knew I had made this harder on her than it had to be. I knew now that staying here, thinking I could pull her out of herself, and erase the fact that she'd been ripped from paradise to fight and suffer, had been a foolish notion. It was one thing to save a helpless soul, one who didn't understand what was out there, who didn't know the terrors that lurked in the dark, but Buffy wasn't one of those, nor was she helpless. What she needed... truthfully, I didn't know what she needed. I was willing to admit that now, as I wove aimlessly through the tombstones, I had no idea what I was doing.

I had been thrown back here with a mission, but I'd never really stopped and thought out a plan. My thoughts had simply rested with spending every moment possible with Buffy, with making up for lost time. I'd been selfish, instead of keeping her safe I'd been trying to heal my own wounds, and I needed to apologize.

I knew the Powers wouldn't be impressed if I told her what was happening, but I would find a way to make this right.

I had wandered into the heart of the cemetery without seeing any signs of Buffy, and I began to worry that perhaps Dawn had been mistaken. I hadn't wanted to search through every cemetery in town, I was hoping to resolve this quickly so that Buffy could get back to her life, and I would have enough time to get back to Los Angeles.

Overwhelmed, and emotionally exhausted, I was about to give up and return to the mansion. I thought perhaps I could catch her before she left for patrol tomorrow, when suddenly the sounds of a struggle drifted through the leafy canopy to my left. Knowing that beyond the trees was a path lined with mausoleums, I wondered if it might be Buffy, having found a vampire or demon milling about.

Even if it wasn't, I wasn't about to ignore a sound that could possibly indicate that someone was in trouble, so moving as slowly and stealthily as possible, I headed in the direction the noise had come from. Should it only be a demon, I was sure I could use a fight at the moment, anything to help my shaken state of mind.

When I did arrive at the path, however, there was nothing that could've prepared me for what I found.

It was in fact Buffy, but she was not putting up much of a struggle as far as I could tell. I felt my insides knot painfully as I watched her being pushed up against the side of a crypt, her hands clawing frantically at the back of a long leather duster, as her mouth feverously attacking another man's. A man, whom despite the fact that I couldn't see his face, I knew exactly who he was.

The long leather coat, the slicked back, platinum blond hair.

It was Spike.

I finally fought my way through the shock, and managed to find my voice again.

"Buffy?" I muttered in disbelief.

She froze, and her eyes shot open.

Not even the look of pure horror etched into her features was enough to ease my pain.

* * *

***Runs and hides behind a very large rock***

**... Review?**


	19. Chapter 18: Love Until We Bleed

*****WARNING: This chapter contains adult content. I know this is the internet and there's really nothing I can do to stop anyone who shouldn't from reading on, but I figure I should still at least be a responsible author. You've been warned! ;)  
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**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: So I'm going to start by saying that I'm extremely grateful that those of you who reviewed didn't come after me with pitchforks! I'm sorry for Spuffy-ing up the story, but I had the idea for this chapter very early on when I began writing, and I struggled a lot with figuring out away to get to this point. I deemed Buffy's "slip up" was a necessary evil...

I have a million things I could say about this chapter, but I won't bore you with them; I hope it can speak for itself. I don't really think I executed it as well as it plays out in my head, but I've never written anything like it before (both structure and content-wise), and despite re-reading it, and editing it a thousand times more than every other chapter in this story, I still don't think it's quite right... then again I remember reading a quote from an artist (the name escapes me at the moment) about how a piece will never feel done, but you need to know when to stop, or something along those lines... so I've stopped. I hope it doesn't disappoint.

* * *

Chapter 18: Love Until We Bleed

Staring in shock at the scene in front of me, all of Buffy's behaviour lately finally made sense; the anger, the awkwardness, the guilt in her eyes every time we spoke...

My mind whirled uncontrollably; how long had this been going on for? How far exactly had they taken it?

Buffy hastily shoved Spike away, "Angel... I..."

It was then that my eyes finally fell on Spike. With a cocky grin on his face, he eyed me as he straightened his shirt, and ran a hand through his hair, wiped his thumb over his lip. He was glad that I had caught them, he knew this was probably tearing me up inside. He was also well aware of how emotionally unstable Buffy had been over the last few months.

It was then that I snapped, rage bubbled up inside me, and before I could stop it a growl erupted from my throat, sending Buffy sprinting off into the woods as I lunged at Spike full force, as I wrapped my hand around his throat and slammed him violently into the wall of the crypt.

He didn't even move to fight back, he merely chuckled as I pressed my nose to his, snarling.

"If I _ever _catch you touching her again, I will rip you limb from limb!" I roared, then shoved him into the wall one more time before releasing my grip on him, and stepping back.

He continued to grin, unmoving, as I glared at him threateningly before turning to stalk away.

"She doesn't belong to you, you know!" He finally called after me.

I didn't turn around, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of continuing to watch me suffer.

"You let her go! You gave up that right! She can do what she wants!" he added nonetheless.

I kept moving. I was unconsolable, after all the time I'd spent trying to protect her, after the countless years I'd spent mourning her, wishing for just one more moment with her.

She chose Spike.

I shuddered, and continued to wander through the cemetery, trying to cool my head.

Somewhere underneath the complete revulsion and despair, I knew Spike had a point. I had let her go. I gave up my place in her life, I set her free to do what she wanted; hoping that she would find a normal man who could take her out in the sunlight, give her children, and a normal, happy life.

I had not done it for Spike. I had not done it so he could sink his claws – or worse, his fangs, into her.

I stopped, and slumped against a tree, pressing my fingers into my eyes as though I thought it may erase the image that was now burned into my brain. It didn't work.

I knew then that my only option was to leave Sunnydale. Apocalypse or no, there was absolutely no way I could face Buffy, there was no way I could continue the pretence that I was simply there to help her.

Pulling myself together as best I could, I headed back to the mansion, to pack up my car and leave.

~0~

The journey back to the mansion from the cemetery seemed longer than normal, I thought it may have something to do with the fact that I'd just lost the one thing that had kept me marginally sane over the last one hundred years. I almost found myself praying that I would be taken down in battle, it would save me the pain of living with what I'd just witnessed.

As I entered the mansion and shut the door behind me, I froze in shock.

Buffy sat on the sofa, watching me calmly, "I figured you'd probably want to argue about this," she began stiffly, "So I'm here to argue."

I continued to study her, trying my best to not let the heartbreak show on my face. Finally I looked away from her, and keeping my expression as steely as possible, I began to pace around the room, searching for any last-minute things I'd forgotten to pack, "How long?" I asked bluntly.

"About two weeks," she answered hesitantly, "Since I patrolled with him after he caught up with us in the sewers. I decided maybe he and I should talk, smooth things over if he was going to stick around and..." she trailed off, knowing I didn't want or need details.

"Is that all that's happened between the two of you?" I asked, my tone clipped, as I continued to stalk around the room, gathering random articles.

"Yes. I swear..." she replied earnestly. She fell silent, waiting for me to ask another question but I couldn't even bring myself to look at her, "Angel, talk to me, please."

"I... I have nothing to say," I sighed. It was the truth, what could I say? I crossed the main room towards my bedroom.

"I know that can't be true!" she argued, rising suddenly from the sofa.

I didn't answer, I just disappeared into the bedroom and continued to feign that I was packing.

I suddenly heard her footsteps echoing through the main room, and she appeared in the doorway, "Angel say something!" she cried desperately.

I felt my resolve crumble, and the anger I'd been trying so hard not to let her see came boiling over again, "Spike!?" I bellowed, "_Spike?!_ Have you lost your mind?!"

She froze, and her body stiffened, "I wasn't thinking..." she stammered, she looked ashamed of her actions, but I didn't care anymore. The dam had broken, and everything was pouring out.

"No kidding," I snapped, "Have you forgotten everything he did? All the times he tried to kill you? To kill me, your friends?!"

She snapped her mouth shut. I could see her clenching her jaw as she cast her eyes down to the ground.

I continued anyway, "He's dangerous Buffy!"

"He's changed!" she barked, shame was still written on her features, but she could see that I wasn't pulling any of my punches, and I knew she wasn't one to lay down and take the blame.

"Spike doesn't _change_," I argued, stalking towards her until she was pressed against the doorframe, "He adapts. He looks for whatever opportunity will keep him alive the longest, and benefit him the most, and he takes it. You're the only thing keeping him safe in this town while he's got that chip in his head... trust me when I tell you if he ever manages to get it out, he won't even hesitate a second before snapping your neck!"

"You don't know that." she hissed.

"I don't? I've known him longer than you've been alive!" I countered.

"Why do you even care?!" she shouted.

I faltered. What did I tell her? That I was still in love with her and it killed me to not only know she was with another man, but another vampire to make matters worse?

As I continued to stare at her blankly, tears began to fill her eyes, "You left me, remember?" she whispered, "You left me so I could have sunshine, and picnics, and a white picket fence, and then the moment you have the chance to give all of that to me you rip it away!" she cried, then just as suddenly, looked horrified once she realize what she had just confessed to remembering. My heart sunk in my chest.

She continued, a bit more quietly, "If I can't have normal with you, then I don't want it at all... especially not now."

My mouth felt dry, I was overwhelmed; I felt surreal that this conversation was even happening, "Why not now?" I whispered.

"Because I'm not right... I'm not right and no one can see it. No one can see it and no one can understand it but you and Spike..."

"So you throw yourself at him?!" I demanded, raising my voice.

"Because I can't have you!" she shouted back at me.

I froze, stunned, "What?"

She looked away from me, and smiled sadly. She shook her head, causing a stray tear to slip down her cheek, "The only time... the only time I've felt even close to my old self since I came back, was the first time I saw you again." she wept, "Because no matter what, when I was with you I never had to pretend. I never had to stay strong, or hide what I was really feeling, or worry that I upset you, I could just be... and I can't do that anymore around here. I have to be the Slayer, and the legal guardian, and the best friend, and I have so many different hats I have to wear that I can never just stop and just be poor messed up Buffy for even a second!"

I just continued to watch her quietly, wedged in front of her in the doorframe, my stomach twisting painfully with guilt. My attempts to keep her safe all these months, to try and hide the trauma I'd experienced, had done nothing but make her feel more cut-off. I'd unwittingly pushed her into the arms of another; another who had no business soiling her with his touch.

She struggled to keep herself together, but her trembling lower lip gave her away, "You won't let me into your head right now, and I don't know why... but Spike lets me be messed up!" she sobbed, "And if I try hard enough, sometimes I can pretend that he's you."

Her last statement shattered what was left of my self control. How could I have let the woman I love feel so alone and unwanted? Before I even knew what I was doing, I leaned into her and crushed her lips to my own. She responded without even a second's hesitation, her hands winding themselves into my hair almost instantly, as my own snaked around her waist, pulling her away from the wall, and pressing her to me as closely as I could. I wasn't even thinking, as I turned her sharply, and began to back her slowly towards the bed, never breaking from our urgent kiss.

It had been too long, far, far too long, and all I could think of was her scent, her taste, how after over a century apart I still remembered how she felt in my arms, how it still felt so right.

But it wasn't right.

My brain finally snapped back to reality after the back of her knees hit the bed, and I fell on top of her. We broke apart briefly for her to take a breath.

"Angel..." she whispered against my lips, her voice full of confusion, "We can't..."

I pulled back slightly to look at her; her eyes filled with torment, her cheeks stained with tears, and all I could think of was the last time I'd held her this close. I knew in that moment, the demon was not escaping this time.

"Buffy, there's no way I could come anywhere close to having a moment of true happiness right now," I muttered softly.

I was sure she would push me away, that it would be the beginning of another fight, but instead she just gazed up at me, her eyes filling again with tears of remorse, before pulling me back down towards her, and capturing my lips once more. I returned the kiss frantically, pouring into it every ounce of passion and longing, every shred of regret and fear.

We continued to embrace hungrily, Buffy's breathing growing heavier and heavier, her heart pounding in my ears as she began to claw at my clothing, but still I didn't worry.

No matter how far this went, no matter how long it took for one or both of us to come back to our senses, I knew the curse would remain intact, and it had nothing to do with Spike.

There was no chance of Angelus breaking free, not when I had the memory of holding my soulmate in my arms as she drew her last breath.

Her nails raked down my back, and I slipped my hand underneath her shirt, running it up her side. Trying to lose myself in the feeling of her silky skin... _as the deafening screams of the fleeing Los Angeles residents, and the roars of their demonic assailants echoed between the crumbling skyscrapers._

_ It had only been hours since all Hell had literally broken loose, and already the devastation was widespread. When the last of the horsemen was freed, a massive earthquake demolished the coastline, and we were now fighting for our lives along a craggy cliff of rubble, against a multitude of demonic creatures that none of us had even seen before. _

_ I was trying my best to keep my eye on the rest of the group, to make sure no one was hurt, or in over their heads, but the demons just kept coming, charging from all directions, I barely had time to ensure one was dead before I found myself having to fend off another, and another. As I decapitated the latest monster to come clambering towards me, I felt the sharp sting of claws digging into the flesh of my arm, and I grunted..._

Buffy ripped open my shirt, sending buttons flying all over the room. She pushed it roughly off my shoulders as our tongues continued to duel. I gathered her into my arms, and flipped her over so she was straddling my hips. I pulled her top over her head, and barely had time to discard it before her mouth was devouring mine again. Her hands were all over me, in my hair, running down my chest...

_The demon swiped at me again, and I jumped back with barely enough time to avoid its claws. I swung my broadsword, but it ducked out of the way with a hiss before lunging again. I took another swing, and my blade sliced through the demon's wrist, taking off the appendage. The creature howled and dropped to its knees, and I took the opportunity to thrust my sword through it._

_ Suddenly the ground shook beneath us for the second time that day, and the sound of screams grew louder as the buildings began to groan once more, and chunks of cement and huge shards of broken windows began to rain down onto the streets. The sound of something whistling towards the pavement caught my attention, and just before a mass of stone crashed down on top of me I rolled out of the way..._

She was pinned beneath me once more, and I broke our heated kiss to brush my lips over her jaw, down the column of her throat. She moaned softly, and reached for my belt, fumbling hastily with the stiff leather, before arching her hips towards me so I could help her shed her jeans.

When she'd finally pushed my pants down over my hips, she grabbed the back of my neck, her fingers working their way back into my hair as she attacked my mouth once more, grazing my bottom lip with her teeth and eliciting another groan...

_Jumping hastily back to my feet, I noticed an eerie silence had fallen suddenly over the street, and I was not tackled by another demon. Scanning the area, I discovered everyone was still fighting, though it seemed the onslaught of new demons had slowed considerably. _

_ Turning, I found Buffy a few metres behind me, all of her concentration on the demon in front of her. It was at least four times her size, but I could tell from the determination in her eyes that she wasn't about to let that discourage her. It's massive fist barrelled towards her, and she ducked out of the way, causing the punch to land on a nearby streetlamp. The post buckled, and came crashing to the ground as the shards of building had earlier. Buffy sidestepped the massive metal pole, before lunging at the creature again, swinging her axe expertly, and landing a slash in the creature's shoulder._

_ It roared in pain, and took a step backwards in defence before preparing to attack again. Buffy took the opportunity to scissor kick the monster in the chin, before slashing it across the chest._

_ My attention was ripped away from her fight as a pair of arms wrapped around my midsection, and knocked me to the ground with a growl. I looked up to find a yellowish demon, dripping with slime, pinning me to the ground. It bared its teeth at me, and growled again as it raised its hand to attack. I quickly wrenched an arm free, and landed a punch to the side of it's head before throwing it off of me..._

We rid each other of our remaining clothing. She quivered beneath me as our hands and lips explored the other's body...

_ ...As I rose to my feet, a haunting whinny cut through the air, and I turned._

_ Standing in the middle of the blood and debris covered street, just a few blocks away, was a horse. Sickly pale, almost skeletal, with dark, chilling eyes. The rider it carried was shrouded in black robes, a hood obscuring his face from view. In one of his pale and lifeless hands was clutched a scythe, the other tightened his grip on the reigns of his ghostly horse, as it began to stomp and snort threateningly._

_ The icy cold chill of fear spread over my heart; it was Death._

_ The distraction had given my assailant enough time to scramble to its feet, and it swung at me, its slimy fist connecting with my jaw._

_ Behind me, I heard the horse's hooves beating against the pavement..._

The pounding of Buffy's heart was all I could hear. It echoed in my ears, reverberated through my core...

..._I was too busy fighting off the demon to notice who Death was charging towards until it was too late. As the slime-covered demon charged at me, I grabbed it, and used its momentum to turn and throw it over my shoulder. It landed on its back, and let out a pained grunt._

_ Now facing Death once more, it was then that I saw who the horse was galloping towards; still entirely focused on her own battle, but now with the upper hand on the massive demon that had charged at her. She continued to hack at its tough skin with her axe, pushing it back with every swing, as Death rode closer and closer._

_ "Buffy!" I cried, slashing my blade at my assailant, but it managed to evade my attack and swing at me again._ _I threw a punch at the demon, stunning it, then sliced through its throat._

_ I turned back to Buffy, as Death barrelled towards her, his scythe raised to attack, and she had still not turned around. I began to race towards her, just as she landed the killing blow to the demon, and it fell heavily to the ground before her._

_ But it was too late, I was still too far away, and Buffy didn't turn quickly enough..._

"Buffy..." I moaned as we finally were one again after so many years. She gasped, and her body stiffened, before she melted to me, and buried her face in the crook of my neck...

_"BUFFY!" I screamed, as Death impaled her on his blade. Her eyes grew wide in terror and pain; she never saw the attack coming. He ripped the scythe roughly out of her back, and continued galloping away, leaving Buffy to crumple to the ground behind him._

_ I rushed towards her, and Death stopped a few paces away, to turn back and survey his kill. How long he stayed there before he disappeared, I didn't know, for as soon as I reached her the rest of the world faded away. I dropped to my knees at her side, and lifted her gently into my arms._

_ "Buffy...? Buffy?" I whimpered frantically..._

I pushed her hair away from her face, ran my hand down her cheek...

..._Her eyes were bleary, unfocused, her face contorted in pain, her breath ragged..._

"Angel..." she moaned, as I slid my hand from her cheek, down her neck, between her breasts...

_ ...I pressed it to the gaping wound, her heart pumping blood between my fingers, "Oh God, Buffy..." I wept..._

Our eyes met, and she lifted a hand to caress the side of my face as we continued to move together...

_ "Angel..." she whispered again, and I removed my bloody hand from her abdomen, to wrap it around her fingers, and press a kiss to her palm._

_ "Don't worry," I soothed her, "Don't worry, we'll get you help, you'll be okay..."_

_ She tried to take a breath, but it caught in her throat, and she winced, "Where?" she croaked, "There's nowhere to go..."_

_ I shook my head, "We'll find someplace. We'll go to another town if we have to." I stated tearfully, refusing to give up on her that easily._

_ "H-how will we get there?" she asked._

_ I opened my mouth, but no words came out. _

_ She tried to smile, but it looked more like a wince, "There isn't enough time, Angel..."_

_ "No." I snapped immediately, pressing my hand over her wound again, "No, don't talk like that."..._

I clutched her to me more tightly, she was so warm, she set every nerve in my body on fire, my senses were on overload...

_ ...She was getting colder, she began to shiver, and her breathing became more laboured. She coughed, and I noticed flecks of red suddenly staining her lips, "It's alright Angel," she whispered hoarsely, "I'm not afraid anymore."_

_ I shook my head again, this time more frantically, as I touched her hair again, and brushed my knuckles lightly over her cheek, "I don't care, I'm not letting you go!"..._

She was the only thing that existed; her sighs, her heat, her scent. I couldn't get close enough to her...

_ ...The scent of her blood was overpowering as it drained from her body, seeped through my clothes. In contrast to the one time I had tasted it, it made my stomach churn in disgust, I felt almost as though bile was rising in my throat._

_ "I won't make it Angel..." she whimpered, "I can tell..."_

_ Tears began to blur my vision, and I felt my body begin to shake, "Don't say that, please don't say that," I begged, "We need you."_

_ "You're strong," she choked, "Have faith in yourself, you can do this."_

_ I clutched her hand again, it felt like ice, "Not without you,"_

_ "Yes," she wheezed, "Yes you can, I know you can."_

_ "There has to be something I can do..." I stammered._

_ "There is..." she whispered, "protect them."_

_ "Buffy..." I wept._

_ "Do it for me."..._

Our movements became more desperate, more erratic. She clawed blindly at my back, her legs locked around my waist, as I squeezed her even tighter, burying my face in her hair with a moan...

..._I lost what was left of my self control, and the tears I'd been struggling to hold back began to pour down my face like water bursting forth from behind a dam._

_ "I'm sorry, Buffy, I'm sorry I took back the day. I'm sorry I never told you about the prophecy, I'm sorry I dragged you into this I-"_

_ "Shhh..." she soothed, "Don't. I'm not mad... and I came because I wanted to, I couldn't have gone on if you died."_

_ I wondered how she thought I could go on without her, but I knew I couldn't trouble her with something so selfish, not now, not while she was slipping out of my grasp._

_ "I love you Angel," her voice was growing weaker, it was barely audible now, "No matter what happened, I always have."_

_ "I love you too Buffy," I sobbed, "I'll never stop,"_

_ She smiled sadly, and a tear rolled down her cheek as her eyes momentarily fluttered closed, she took a few short, laboured breaths, and struggled to keep them open._

_ "Take care of Dawn for me..." she whispered._

_ "I will, I promise,"..._

My hand ran through her soft golden tresses again, and she sighed, her breath was warm against my ear, I knew I couldn't hold on much longer...

..._Cradling her in my arms gently, I could feel the strength seeping from her tiny frame as her heartbeat started to slow, as the colour drained from the cheek I continued to caress, "Please don't leave me Buffy..."_

_ She didn't have the strength to reply. Her lips merely twitched into a smile, and she grasped weakly at my blood-soaked shirt. I fought back another onslaught of tears; she wanted me to be strong, I would show her that I could be._

_ She looked at me hesitantly, but as tears welled in her eyes she spoke again, "Kiss me?"_

_ I obliged without even taking the time to think. Slowly, I bent my head, and our lips met gently._

_ "Thank you," she whispered, when we finally broke apart._

_ A tiny sob escaped my lips, and I tried to mask it as a chuckle, before closing my eyes, and pressing my forehead to hers. I tried to concentrate on the feeling of her in my arms, instead of the steadily slowing beat of her heart, the chill spreading through her skin._

_ "Angel?" she finally breathed weakly._

_ "Yes?" I replied._

_ "I... I can't feel you anymore..."_

_ Confused, I pulled back so I could look at her. As I did so, her hand slid from where she clutched at the collar of my shirt, and dropped limply to her side. My eyes met hers, just in time to watch the light leave them. I began to tremble as her dull, lifeless eyes stared back at me, her body cold and motionless in my arms._

_ "Buffy?" I whispered._

_ I waited for her to reply, I listened carefully... her heart no longer beat._

_ "Buffy?" I croaked._

_She was gone. After giving up my humanity for her, after her friends took a great risk to bring her back from the grave. After being ripped out of paradise, and forced to continue fighting; it was all for nothing. _

_ "No... no... no... please... no..." I babbled incoherently, my blood-stained hand cradling her cold cheek, her skin paper-white, as my head began to spin, and my ears began to ring._

_ I found myself hyperventilating despite my lack of breath as I continued to stroke Buffy's face, all the while rambling nonsensically._

_ I was falling, being crushed, drowning, all at once; I thought I knew what pain and suffering was, but I was wrong. None of the guilt I'd felt over the last hundred years was comparable to the despair that came crashing down on me._

_ I gathered her more tightly into my arms, one of my hands cradling the back of her head, holding her to me as close as I could, her icy cheek pressed to my own, and in that instant I broke. A wail tore from my lungs, raw and primal, it was so inhuman that at first I wasn't even aware that I had made the sound... _

Buffy cried out as she shuddered beneath me, and mere seconds later I collapsed on top of her, moaning her name. She nuzzled my cheek, gasping for breath, as I continued to clutch her desperately...

..._I rocked her body gently as I continued to sob, chanting her name over, and over, as though she would miraculously hear and come back to me, and that was how I stayed, even after the surroundings started to reappear, and her friends began to gather around in disbelief and try to coax me away from the battlefield._

_ She was gone. My love, my light, my ultimate reason for continuing to battle the darkness._

_ I'd failed her, and nothing would ever make it right..._

...I swam back to reality as Buffy's breathing began to even out, and the full reality of what had just happened finally dawned on me.

As much as I wanted to be horrified, as much as I wanted to feel ashamed for letting myself be so rash and careless, I couldn't. If it was still possible that I would lose her in a few months time, then I needed this; I needed her. After everything I had seen and experienced, and everything other than the pain and death had faded away, hers was the only memory that soothed me. I needed her to know that, even if I couldn't tell her outright; and I felt that perhaps she needed it too in light of everything she'd been going through.

It was for that reason, it shocked me when I heard a muffled sob beneath me, and suddenly felt her push me away. She slid out of the bed, and seemingly unable to look at me, quickly started searching for her clothes.

"Buffy?" I asked gently.

She pulled on her jeans, wiped the back of her hand over her face, but did not reply.

"Buffy?" I repeated climbing out of the bed, and quickly slipped on my pants before crossing the room towards her. I tried to touch her shoulder, but she wrenched herself away, sniffling, and reached for her shirt.

"Hey," I murmured softly, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder again. This time she didn't pull away, but merely stood in front of me holding her shirt over her chest, her hair obscuring her face, "What's wrong?"

She wouldn't look me in the eye, and hesitated before replying, "I think you should leave."

I was floored. I knew there would be repercussions to our actions, that there was a good chance we would have to do some damage control for what was left of our fragile relationship, but I wasn't expecting this.

"What?" I whispered.

"You said if I asked you to leave, you would... so leave," she muttered.

Unconsciously, my hand tightened on her shoulder, "Buffy, I don't understand..."

She finally looked up to me, her eyes more tormented than they had been when I found her sitting here to confront me, and glassy with tears, "What did we do?" she continued solemnly, "This was a mistake..."

"Nothing happened," I assured her, dreading the tone in her voice, and the expression on her face.

"But it could have..." she answered.

"It doesn't mean that I have to leave," I argued. There was no way I could leave now, I had to keep her safe.

"Yes it does!" she cried.

I was silent, she looked so defeated standing in front of me; her hair tousled, tears spilling down her cheeks, her knuckles white as she clutched her shirt covering her chest. My heart was breaking before she had even continued speaking.

"We got lucky," she whispered, "What happens next time?"

"There won't be a next time," I promised.

A hollow chuckle escaped her lips, and she shook her head, "Yes there will."

My hand slid from her shoulder as I waited for her to continue speaking, dreading every moment she took to gather the strength to continue.

"If there's anything we've proven, it's that we can't trust ourselves around each other. Maybe nothing happened this time, and maybe nothing will happen next time..." her voice broke, and she paused, "But how long do you really think we can keep doing this without losing control?"

"Things are different now, Buffy," I stammered. Unsure of how to explain the lack of pure happiness.

"Are they?" she scoffed, blinking back tears as she gazed at me pleadingly. I watched her silently, unable to determine whether she felt hurt that she couldn't break the curse. I received my answer when she next spoke, "Do you still love me?" she murmured.

"Yes. With everything I have."

She closed her eyes, and her chin dropped to her chest, "Then this has to stop."

"Buffy-"

"I can't Angel. I can't do this right now!" she wept, "If I had to kill you again... on top of everything else..." she paused, lost for words, "I just can't..."

I studied her for a long moment, letting the truth behind her words sink in, and I knew she was right. As much as the years apart had made me want her irrationally, it hadn't changed the fact that being with her could cause devastation.

I realized then, that if I wanted to protect her, I would have to let her go.

"I'll be gone at sundown tomorrow." I replied softly, casting my eyes to the ground as though it would keep her from seeing the pain inside them.

With a stiff nod, Buffy finally moved to put on her shirt, then without so much as another glance in my direction, she rushed quietly out of the room.

I still hadn't moved when I heard the front door shut heavily. I had done the right thing, yet it still didn't keep it from tearing my heart to shreds in my chest.

My only consolation was that I knew I had successfully extinguished any chances of Buffy turning up in L.A. once things got bad; I'd unwittingly destroyed what was left of our bond.

Whatever the Four Horsemen unleashed on Los Angeles, and the rest of the world, was my problem now, and I would fight it alone.

I never imagined that saving Buffy's life would leave me with such a hole in my heart.

* * *

**Please Review.**

**Until next week.**


	20. Chapter 19: In The Dark

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay folks! In a perfect world I could sit around and write all day...

Sorry, I got distracted daydreaming about how amazing that would be. Anyway! I'm sorry for leaving you all hanging, I'm hoping to be able to update on Sunday as well to make up for it, but please don't hold me to it; I'll make the final decision after I've fully edited Chapter 20, in light of some plot-points in the upcoming chapters, and the recent events that occurred in both Boston and Texas, I may postpone updates for a little while. I know that terrible things happen all over the world on a daily basis, but given that I live in the Great White North, and this hit closer to home, coupled with the fact that the largest portion of my readership live in the U.S. I figure it would be the respectful thing to do.

Hmm, I kind of wanted to say something about the last chapter too... I didn't want to ruin the mood by yammering on (kinda like I'm doing now) at the end of it. To those that reviewed - thank you! I am not one for writing anything smutty, in fact, writing anything remotely sexy makes me giggle uncontrollably because I do not have a seductive bone in my body, but I had this flash of the awful, horrible juxtaposition of Angel and Buffy finally seeking out some comfort in each other vs. him remembering her death, and I just had to use it. I still don't think I got it right, I'll probably edit it one day.

Okay, this is turning into a chapter on it's own, onto the story!

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Chapter 19: In the Dark

_Three Months Later:_

_"...Doctors at research hospitals are still racing to discover the cause of the epidemic which has resulted a devastating amount of deaths over the last three months. The mysterious illness has yet to be identified, but the main symptoms continue to present as high fever-"_

The radio suddenly went dead, and I looked up to discover Cordelia standing over me with a disapproving look fixed on her features."You have to stop listening to this," she snipped, "I can't listen to it anymore... and neither should you."

I sat at my desk, my feet up on the surface, my head held in one of my hands, "Why?" I asked dryly.

"Because it makes you even more broody! If that's even possible... you just sit in here, in the dark, switching from station to station as if some sort of miraculous solution is going to be transmitted through the airwaves!" she ranted, "Well I can tell you right now Mister, that it's not! _You're_ the miraculous solution, and you're not going to solve anything by slouching around being all gloom and doom!"

"I'm not the solution, Cordelia," I sighed.

"Okay, fine. You're not. But you're the closest thing we have, so maybe you should start being a bit more proactive." she retorted.

I glanced at her, before turning my attention back to the now-silent radio. She did have a point, though I wouldn't put myself through the headache of admitting it to her.

Since returning from Sunnydale I had been more out-of-sorts than usual. My thoughts kept returning to Buffy, and how much I wished things could have gone differently. However if this was the way things had to be to keep her out of harms way, then I would just have to live with it.

If the others suspected that my visit with Buffy, and not the coming Apocalypse was the reason for my exaggerated brooding, they didn't mention anything. Whether it was out of fear or respect I didn't know, but I appreciated it nonetheless. Speaking of the woman who owned my heart was the last thing I wanted to do.

The last three months had been nothing but frustrating for me as the mysterious fever continued to sweep the city. The smart and the wealthy had picked up and left town until everything blew over, and the sick tried to beg their way into the already crowded hospitals. The rest, as far as I knew, were staying indoors, and praying that they didn't fall victim to the illness next.

Though no other signs hinting to an apocalypse had presented themselves, I was still on edge, desperate to find answers before it was too late, and I feared it was starting to get to my team. Gunn spent all of his time sweeping the streets for clues. He would stop into the Hyperion once a day, only to let us know that he was still alive, and that he had yet to discover anything. Wesley had locked himself in a room with stacks upon stacks of books he thought may be helpful, and only surfaced when he remembered to eat. Lorne came by every few days after I'd visited him at Caritas and asked him to keep an ear to the ground, he'd yet to have learned anything either.

Cordelia was the only one who didn't seem put-off by my foul mood. She continued to argue with me to stop brooding and get out there to 'save the world', but I knew it wasn't that simple. I went out to patrol nightly, but for the time being there was still nothing but the run-of-the-mill vampire attacks, or odd demon lurking in a back alley.

I kept my eye on her though, she was beginning to worry me. She thought I was too busy wallowing in self-pity to notice, but I had caught her sneaking into the medical supplies for Asprin more often than normal. I knew it was a bad sign, but she would never admit to being in pain.

What did worry me though, was how much longer it would be before she had the vision that would drive her to call Buffy to Los Angeles. I knew I would have to do everything in my power to make sure she didn't come to that decision.

Considering how down for the count we were when it came to stopping this Apocalypse, I decided for the time being this would be my best course of action; not that it would be any easier convincing Cordelia that we didn't need back-up than it would to stop the world from ending. Though I often didn't agree with her methods, I had to admit that I owed most of what I'd acquired since coming to L.A. to the headstrong woman. I would have never thought to open a Private Investigation business as a front to save souls, but it was working somehow... that was, until Wolfram & Hart had managed to get their hands on this scroll.

I knew in the beginning Cordelia had only been looking for a paycheck, but I could tell that with time she'd begun to actually care about what we were doing. I supposed the visions Doyle had sprung on her could've had something to do with it, but regardless I was thankful to have her there. She was more clever and resourceful than she let on, which was why I knew I had to act fast if I was to keep her from contacting Buffy.

"When was the last time you saw Wes come out of his 'office'?" her voice cut through my thoughts, snapping me back to the present.

"Um..." I muttered, as I sifted through my muddled thoughts, "I can't remember to be honest."

She sighed, "I guess I should go bring him something. I swear, that man's not going to have to worry about that freaky virus killing him, he's going to starve himself to death!" she grumbled as she stalked out of my office towards the kitchen.

With her gone, my mind drifted back to the task at hand. The last time, she had flat out lied to me, completely omitted that she'd seen me at all, let alone dying, in her vision. How would I know that she had seen the same thing this time around? How did I know that the vision would be the same at all to begin with? So far, things had gone drastically different in comparison to the first time this had all occurred. I hadn't spent any time in Sunnydale the previous time...

I hadn't let myself lose control with Buffy and betray her trust.

I sighed, sliding my feet off my desk and burying my face in my hands. It would be easier to concentrate if I didn't feel so guilty about hurting her again... if I didn't miss her so much. The night I left Sunnydale I thought to myself that it would be easier to concentrate now that I'd let myself give in to her; but it wasn't. If anything, it had just served as a reminder of just how deep of a hole she'd left in my heart. Instead of being sated, I just wanted more. I felt as though I was caught in my own personal catch-22; if I saved her life, and the world, I would be doomed to continue keeping her at a distance, to watch her fall in love with another man and go on leading a happy life without me. Or I could be selfish, and let the world burn so no one could have her but me. If only I didn't have a conscience... the latter seemed more appealing.

"I guess nobody ever told ye that if you scowl for too long your face stays that way... or is there somethin' else on your mind now?"

I looked up to find Doyle standing in the centre of the room.

"Doyle... it's been awhile," I said in surprise.

He studied me, his expression a mix of amusement and pity, "Yeah, well, for awhile we all thought ye were about to pull it off, but then..." he trailed off.

"I slept with Buffy?" I grimaced.

"Yeah..." he nodded ruefully, "Bad move, pal."

I sighed, and leaned back in my chair, "I know."

"Then why'd ye do it?"

I clenched my jaw as I thought about how to answer, before deciding it was probably better not to, "I thought the PTB were all-knowing, why do you have to ask?"

"Cause I'm not all-knowing, and I'm nosey." he replied with a smirk.

I smiled back half-heartedly, "I was alone, and missing her for a hundred years... do you need more details than that?"

"Nah, I think I can fill-in the gaps." he answered with a wink.

"Well, I'm pretty sure she won't come to L.A. now, so at least that much is dealt with, right?" I asked.

Doyle scowled, and drew closer to my desk, "You really think that was enough to keep her away?"

I frowned, and studied him solemnly, "What do you mean?"

"Let's be honest here, Angel," he began, "You know fair well that she didn't send ye packin' cause she doesn't love you anymore... She sent ye away because she was afraid of yer old friend Angelus payin' her another visit."

I flinched at the mention of the demon, thinking of all the pain I inflicted on Buffy and her friends back then was something I kept buried unless I really felt like torturing myself.

"But if ye think she'll just sit around in Sunnydale while ye get yerself killed... then maybe you don't remember her as well as ye think ye do."

My stomach sank, I knew he had a point. Buffy was as irrational about me as I was about her, she would throw herself in harms way without a second thought if she knew I was in danger.

Stopping Cordelia from making that phone call had never seemed like a more urgent task.

"I... I don't know what to do anymore," I confessed, "She's the Slayer, she'll jump into battle no matter what I do, I can't stop her."

"True," Doyle agreed, "But what yer forgettin' is that she's not the only Slayer you can call for back-up." he explained.

I looked up at him, and that was when it dawned on me that I had once again forgotten about an ally, one that I could probably save before it was too late this time.

"See, you've got your very own Chosen One right here in town." he chuckled as he vanished.

I jumped from my seat, and rushed upstairs to the room Wesley had been using as a makeshift office. I flung open the door unceremoniously, to find Cordelia sitting in in an armchair, a large book propped open in her lap, while Wesley sat on the edge of the bed, half a sandwich in his hand. He chewed slowly as he stared at me questioningly.

"I think I have a plan." I announced.

"Oh?" Cordelia replied, her expression a little rattled at my sudden entrance.

"Umnh?" Wesley muttered with his mouth full.

"Well, maybe not a plan, but something that could hopefully give us an upper hand." I explained.

"Sure, whatever, out with it already," Cordelia sighed.

Wesley just waited quietly for my answer.

I didn't know how they would take this decision, I was hoping they wouldn't put up too much of a fight. She deserved a second chance, and if Los Angeles was about to be destroyed, I wasn't about to let her die a second time as well,

"We're breaking Faith out of jail."

Wesley and Cordelia simply both blinked at me in shock a moment.

"Are you out of your mind?!" Cordy finally shrieked.

I'd anticipated that it wasn't an idea that would go over so well.

"Angel," Wesley began calmly as he placed the plate with his half-eaten sandwich on the bedside table, before rising to his feet and wiping his hands together in front of him, "Would it not be easier to just call Bu-"

"No." I snapped before he even had time to finish her name. Wesley merely looked startled, but I could see Cordelia eyeing me suspiciously from where she still sat in the corner.

"Angel, she tried to kill you... twice!" she argued.

"And now she's repenting," I countered, "We need help, and she deserves a chance to prove herself."

"Well she can do it behind bars... where she's not hurting anyone!" she retorted.

"She's a Slayer, Cordy, do you really think she couldn't have broken out of there a dozen times over already if she'd wanted to?"

She snapped her mouth shut, a certain amount of weariness and anger played on her face.

"I can fully understand why neither of you want to trust her," I began again, "But she turned herself in, she wants to get better... that aside, if things get worse out there we can't just leave her locked up! She won't stand a chance."

"I thought you just said-"

I continued before Cordelia could finish her thought, "We can't afford to be turning down allies right now, if Wolfram & Hart goes through with this we'll need everyone."

"All the more reason why we should call Buffy here before it's too late!" Wesley jumped in finally.

I cringed, and could see Cordelia watching me intently out of the corner of my eye, "Buffy has her own things to deal with, we'll call her if and when we need her, no sooner." I grumbled, "Wes, go by the prison tomorrow, tell Faith we need her ASAP."

With a sigh, he nodded, and slumped back onto the bed, "Of course."

"Good," I muttered, and turned to exit the room.

Halfway down the hall, I heard the door open again, and Cordelia's heels clacking along behind me, "What did you do?" she demanded.

I turned, to discover her rushing towards me, her hands already placed on her hips, an eyebrow cocked in suspicion.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Well, normally when we mention calling Buffy to help with our problems you just get all mopey, and we drop it so we don't have to keep watching the sad puppy dog act... but today you jump down our throats!" she accused, jabbing her index finger sharply into my chest.

I sighed again, "It's nothing, Cordy. Is it so hard to believe that Buffy has other things she needs to do? She's taking care of a teenager now for Christ sakes!"

"Yeah?! Well, she'll have a hard time doing that if the world ends! She should be here!" Cordelia argued.

"I'm not bothering her with this, and that's final!"

I turned to storm away, but her voice stopped me.

"Are you really going to put the rest of us in danger because you two had a fight or something?! I thought you were done being crazy!"

"Cordelia-"

"No! You listen to me Angel! Now I may have never been Buffy's number one fan back in Sunnydale, but I can tell when I it's time to put my differences aside and work together, because when it comes down to it she's the _real _Slayer and she's not going to go all psycho-"

"I can't call Buffy because we slept together!" I shouted in exasperation. I hadn't wanted to talk about what had happened in Sunnydale, but I knew it would be easier to just confess the truth to Cordelia, instead of listening to her nag me until I gave in.

She stared at me blankly for a moment, "You what?" she muttered, when suddenly she recoiled in horror, her fingers held up in a makeshift cross, "Oh god! Stay back!"

"Cordy-"

"WESLEY! Get out here!" She cried.

"Cordy I'm not evil!"

"Oh sure! Cause Angelus wouldn't lie!" she scoffed.

"Fair enough, but he definitely wouldn't pretend to be me for _three months_, without even attempting to kill you once."

Hesitantly, she dropped her arms back to her sides, and eyed me, "I guess you have a point," she agreed, "So... wait, you two got all horizontal... and you're not evil now?"

"It's complicated." I sighed.

"What? Is she mad because she didn't break your curse or something?"

"No-"

"Well good! Because after what happened last time I would've thought she lost her mind!"

"Thank you, Cordy..." I sighed sarcastically.

"Okay, okay, sorry... I just... I don't get this." she apologized.

"There isn't much to get. There's just... some unresolved stuff between us, and I think it would be better if we took the time apart to figure it out."

Cordelia nodded solemnly, she looked skeptical, but she knew better than to press the issue of Buffy with me, "Right, I'm sorry." she muttered, and turned to walk away.

I watched her leave, feeling slightly panicked, "Cordy?" I called after her.

She turned back around to survey me questioningly.

"Promise me you won't call her." I stated.

"I won't call her, Angel... I think you're being childish, but I won't." she replied.

"Promise me." I urged.

"Angel-"

"Promise me! No matter what happens, no matter how scared you get, you won't call her."

"Angel-"

"Promise me." I repeated.

She stared at me a moment, and I could see the gears turning inside her head. There was some sort of witty retort on the tip of her tongue, but I could tell she was trying to hold it back. Instead, she settled on watching me with an air of concern before she replied, "I promise."

I nodded stiffly, "Thank you," I muttered, before brushing past her and down the stairs to hide once more in my office. I needed some time to myself.

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**There's gonna be a couple of Buffy-less chapters full of Angel-brooding. I apologize in advance. ;)**

**Please review!**


	21. Chapter 20: War

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: ***These next two chapters are pretty short, I will be posting two this update so don't start in the wrong place!***

I wrestled a bit with posting this next chapter due to some events that occurred in the U.S. this past month. As much as violence is a necessary part of the Buffyverse, I do not condone it, especially on any sort of large scale that ends up hurting innocent lives. Of course, I cannot foresee a way that I could re-write this that would still make sense with everything that I've set up, not to mention that it's been almost a year since I wrote this chapter.  
If anyone feels that this chapter is poorly timed, or inappropriate, please PM me and I will gladly delete it until I've had time to make the appropriate changes.

I'll try to end this on a happier note; I want to take a moment to shout out to Ashes At Midnight, for pointing out something awhile back that I was convinced I had fixed, but apparently had not... I was toying around with the order in which the Horsemen would appear, trying to see what would make the most sense with the plot, and ended up realizing that I could make it work in their original order. I thought I had made the appropriate changes in previous chapters, but I did miss one! What I'm trying to say is; you were right, I was wrong, and I don't have time to edit right now but I'll go back and fix everything soon! Thanks!

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Chapter 20: War

By the time I awoke the next day, Wesley had already left for the prison. I could only imagine he was uneasy about the whole plan, yet despite how much he'd grown in the past two years, he was still not one to challenge me once I had made a decision.

I retreated immediately to my office, not really keen on butting heads with Cordelia again. I'd managed to get her to relent the evening before, but I knew it would only be a matter of time before she would start pushing for Buffy to be brought in on this again, and I was still in no shape to discuss the tiny, golden haired Slayer that still had the power to undo me.

I flicked on the radio again, filling my head with more reports of illness, more deaths, more dread...

Anything to keep my mind of off her.

I didn't know how long I had been sitting there, lost in the bleak ramblings of the radio announcers, before a knock sounded at the door, and it slowly creaked open.

I raised my eyes to find Cordelia standing there, an uncharacteristically hesitant expression on her face.

"Any word?" I asked her.

She shook her head, "Not yet... but that's not why I'm here,"

I frowned at her, "Oh?"

She sighed, and slipped into the room, her eyes sweeping over everything and anything that wasn't me until she settled into the chair opposite where I sat, "I wanted to make sure you're okay,"

"I'm fine," I answered, a little more sharply than I intended.

She shot me a pointed look, "No you're not. Look, there's something big and awful coming, and you're all... you're all..."

"I'm all what?"

She sighed heavily, "You're all hung up on Buffy,"

I turned away from her, and rose from my seat to pace the room, "We're not talking about this."

"But you need to!" she argued.

"No I don't."

"But you do! What's going to happen when this gets worse and you're still this distracted?" she asked.

"Maybe I won't be by then," I grumbled.

"And maybe you will be!" she retorted, "I'm not sitting around and hoping for you to have another epiphany while the world is on the brink of ending! If you're not gonna call her, then you need to get over it!"

"When the world is ending I'll have enough to keep me distracted," I replied, "As soon as Faith gets here, and we've got some back-up, and we start working on a plan I'll be fine,"

She glowered at me, "I don't believe you," she whispered.

With an unnecessary sigh, I returned to my seat, "There's nothing to talk about Cordy, it's... it's over. I'm just trying to keep it that way."

She watched me uneasily, I imagined she was trying to decide whether she bought my words or not. "Can I ask you something, Angel?" she said finally.

"Sure," I answered, even though I wasn't so sure I was going to like the question.

"Well... why didn't you... when you were with Buffy... why didn't you get all," she hooked her fingers into claws in front of her, "Grrr," she finished.

I couldn't help but smile slightly at her, leave it to Cordelia to reduce me reverting to a blood-thirsty killer to nothing more than a non-verbal.

"I guess perfect happiness is just a lot more elusive after everything the two of us have been through," I answered.

Cordelia smiled sadly, and reached across the desk to take my hand, "Angel, look, I know-"

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything..." came a voice from the doorway.

Cordelia spun around, and I looked up to the door to the office to discover Faith standing there, an uneasy expression on her face as she eyed Cordelia, Wesley's jacket dwarfing her frame, and covering the bright-orange prison jumpsuit she wore underneath.

"Faith..." I muttered, jumping from my chair.

She chewed at her bottom lip, and grinned hesitantly, "'Sup Angel?"

Relief washed over me, seeing her standing there, alive and in one piece. Faith was a strong fighter, if she hadn't been, the Mayor wouldn't have been so determined to get his claws into her all those years ago. She was a good ally to have, and I suddenly felt a little more hopeful about the situation at hand.

"Oh, just the end of the world... nothing out of the ordinary," Cordelia chimed in.

"Of course," Faith nodded, "Should've known you wouldn't have gone breaking rules just cause you missed my face," she quipped with a sideways grin.

I grinned back, perhaps Faith and all her attitude were exactly what I needed to distract myself from Buffy.

"So?" she continued, "You gonna fill me in on this big evil or what?"

"Yeah, of course," I replied, remembering the task at hand, "Where's Wes?"

"Parking the car or something," Faith shrugged, "He wanted me out of sight a-sap, dropped me outside the door,"

"We'll wait for him to get back," I continued, "Cordy, get in touch with Gunn, I want everyone here before we starting planning anything,"

I turned back to Faith, and noticed her still fidgeting uncomfortably, toying with the sleeve of Wesley's jacket, "Cordy? Do you have anything Faith could borrow?" I asked.

I waited for the usual retort, something about how Faith would stretch out her clothes, how she'd get them full of blood or demon guts, but instead she simply rose from her seat, albeit a little reluctantly and started towards Faith, "Yeah, I have a few things here,"

"Thanks," Faith chuckled, "Orange isn't really my colour." she flashed me an appreciative grin as Cordelia began to lead her away.

"We'll meet down here in a bit," I called after them.

I was thankful for the few minutes where Buffy didn't occupy my mind. Perhaps with Faith here, ready to prove herself, ready to make amends, we could finally make some headway.

Maybe I was getting ahead of myself.

All I could tell was that something felt different for the first time in months, whether it was for better or worse, I would just have to wait and find out.

~o~

Once Faith had changed, and the rest of the team had returned to the Hyperion, we settled into my office to fill her in on what was happening. She listened quietly and intently, with an uneasiness flickering over her features every once and awhile before she would shift uncomfortably in her chair and push it away. I wanted to ask her if she was alright, but I knew she would never be honest with me as long as the others were around.

Cordelia was doing her best to be polite, she'd pulled out a change of clothes for Faith without so much as a harsh word, and Wesley was doing his best to hide the judgemental glare that seemed to creep back onto his features whenever he wasn't paying attention. I was thankful that Lorne and Gunn had never had a run-in with her before, the last thing she needed was to feel like everyone was against her.

It was the last thing I needed as well.

"Man, these Wolfram and Hart guys must really not like you," she muttered when we'd finally given her all the details about the situation, "This is a pretty elaborate plan."

I couldn't help but smirk, I could tell she was weary, but she wasn't about to let it show, "I think it's progressed beyond just trying to take me out. If we can't stop this it could spread across the world."

She frowned, "Awesome... and you seriously have no ideas on how to do that?"

"Aside from storming out into the thick of it and kicking some ass? No," Gunn piped in finally.

She smirked at him, "Right up my alley."

"Unfortunately, this 'plan' won't help much during the earlier stages," Wesley added, "Clearly even modern medicine cannot combat Pestilence, and unless we can find a magical cure for this fever, the seals will continue to be broken. I fear that if we wait for War and Death to be unleashed, it may be too late for us to even fight back."

"Thanks for the pep-talk, Wes," Cordelia muttered, leaning against the bookshelf at my side. She was squinting as though the dim lighting in the room was hurting her eyes, and looked suddenly as though she were extremely irritated by the amount of talking that was taking place around her. An uneasy feeling began to stir in my gut, but my attention was pulled back to the conversation at hand.

"I still haven't heard anything," Lorne offered defeatedly, "If any of my patrons know anything they're being tight-lipped, but I'll keep an ear to the ground anyway."

I nodded towards him, Caritas seemed like our best bet right now. No one had been seen entering or exiting the Wolfram & Hart building for months, and I was starting to assume they had already cleared out before the worst hit.

"Yeah, I've got some guys out sweepin' the streets too," Gunn added, "They'll hit me up if they find anything."

A silence fell over the room, and I felt like we were all simply talking in circles now. There were no answers to be found, and I imagined we all felt like sitting ducks.

Faith grimaced at me, "So... I guess that's-"

She was cut off as Cordelia gasped loudly, and slid to the floor. In an instant I was out of my chair, holding her upright as her eyes rolled back in her head and her body stiffened. Wesley was suddenly at my side as well, his face pale.

"This is the worst one yet," he whispered in my ear as her face contorted in pain.

Gunn suddenly rushed from the room, leaving Lorne to peer over the edge of my desk frowning, and Faith frozen in her seat, unsure of what to do. He returned just as Cordelia slumped into my arms, and her eyes refocused with a glass of water and some pills clutched in his hand.

"Cordy?" I whispered, trying to soothe her as her eyes searched the room in a panic.

"Oh my god..." she murmured, trying to push me away, but she was still too weak and disoriented.

"Cordy, it's okay, just take a minute," I calmed her.

"We don't have a minute!" she stammered, "They can't... they..." she clambered to her feet, tripping over Wesley and falling into Gunn, knocking the glass of water from his hands as he tried to catch her.

"Cordy, sit down and relax," he urged her, but she pried herself out of his arms.

"There's no time! We have to... we have-"

She never got to finish her sentence, as a deafening _crack_ echoed outside and the ground shook beneath us. Her eyes widened in horror, and the rest of us just turned to each other at a loss.

"No..." she breathed, "No... it can't be too late..."

In an instant, Faith had launched herself out of her seat and raced out of the office. I jumped to my feet to follow her, "Faith! Faith, wait!" I shouted, as I chased her through the lobby and out the front doors, unaware of what I would find once we made it out into the street.

We both skidded to a halt in the courtyard, as our eyes fell on a giant column of smoke that was billowing in the distance.

"Holy shit... what is that?" Faith asked.

"I don't know," I muttered, unable to tear my eyes away from the mushroom cloud. Dread was coiling in the pit of my stomach, I had no idea what this was, or what it meant, it hadn't happened this way last time.

"It's the Cedars Research Hospital," came a small voice from behind us, and I turned to find Cordelia leaning heavily against the doorframe, angry tears shining in her eyes, "He blew it up..."

"He?" Faith asked, her eyes narrowed, her fists clenched at her side. She looked murderous, like she wanted to dash through the gates and wail on anything that came across her path.

Wesley, Gunn and Lorne came into view behind her as Cordelia nodded, the anger in her expression giving away to fear as she turned to me, and I suddenly knew that the dread I was feeling was entirely justified before the word even left her lips.

"War."

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**For those familiar with L.A., I obviously did not want to write about blowing up a real hospital, because if you do something like that, you're a monster for real, but I'm sure you'll realize that I kept the name somewhat similar... simply for geographical purposes. Real violence/terrorism is bad... this is just a story.**

**Please review!**


	22. Chapter 21: Cursed With Knowing

*****May 5th 2013: This is post number TWO today! If you haven't already checked out _Chapter 20_, you better back track so you don't get lost!*****

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Numero dos, enjoy!

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Chapter 21: Cursed with Knowing

Our worst fears were confirmed over the coming days, as news reports on every station were calling the explosion an act of terrorism. Though no one but us knew the truth, they had come to the conclusion that the mystery illness and the decimation of the leading research hospital in the city had to be linked, and the city was put into a quarantine. Armed forces were stationed around the entire perimeter of the city, and no one was to get in, or out. I knew at this point that it was only a matter of time before Famine reared its ugly head; supplies were to be air-dropped into the city, but with the high population, and the amount of poverty, I knew there would be much room for error.

The only thing that seemed to ease my mind was the knowledge that Buffy would not be able to get into the city. Perhaps this would work to my advantage after all.

Faith and Gunn spent almost all their time out on the streets, hunting for any information they could get their hands on, but were still coming up empty. Not a single demon or vampire they came across seemed to know what was happening, though none were opposed to it either. The further the city fell into chaos, the easier it was for them to pick off their victims.

It was the same story from Lorne's end as well. None of his patrons were wise to the cause of their sudden fortune, but none seemed opposed to it as they raised their glasses night after night to the mysterious illness that was tearing the town apart.

Back at the Hyperion, we weren't in much better shape. When I wasn't out patrolling with Faith, I was locked in my office listening to news reports, or helping Wesley pour over volumes we'd already searched for answers.

The piles of books in his room were almost reaching the ceiling, and judging by the circles under his eyes, he was reading night and day with no results.

I'd taken to using Cordelia as a gauge for how bad things were getting. She'd grown more withdrawn since the vision of the hospital explosion, and she wandered the hotel turning lights off as she entered rooms, popping asprin as though it were candy, her hands trembling and her face twisted in a perpetual scowl of pain. I knew there couldn't be much time before the last two seals were opened.

It had gotten to the point where I had begun to piece together an evacuation plan for my team. I knew it was unlikely they would leave Los Angeles without me, but I had to try at the very least. We were at a complete loss, the entire city was, and there was only one harrowing thought in my mind that seemed like a remote possibility of a solution.

As I reflected on the events that had changed since the last time this had occurred, I remembered the conversation Cordelia and I had in front of the fire at the Mansion back in Sunnydale, how in her vision she had seen me die.

If I sacrificed myself this time around, would it perhaps change the outcome? If I died instead of Buffy would that be enough of a turn of events to keep the rest from coming to pass?

The circling thoughts were enough to make my head hurt, and I usually simply resorted to sparring with Faith. The both of us had enough frustration that needed to be released, and I was thankful for the short distraction from what was going on outside. It was nothing like training with Buffy; though we were both familiar with the other's fighting style, we could not as easily anticipate the other's moves, and there were enough bruises and split lips to prove it, but we carried on anyway, perhaps the subtle physical pain was serving to distract us further.

"Can I ask you something?" Faith questioned on one of these sessions, as she ducked under one of my punches before spinning around quickly and launching a roundhouse kick at me. I stepped back just in time for it to narrowly miss connecting with the side of my ribcage.

"Sure," I replied, as I caught her fist in my hand. She twisted it away before I could land a punch of my own.

"Why me?" she asked, as I sidestepped her next attack with just enough time to avoid her boot-clad foot stomping down on my kneecap.

"What do you mean?" I wondered, as she ducked my next two punches, then jumped over my leg as I attempted to sweep her feet out from under her.

"Why didn't you call Buffy?" she clarified, slamming her open palm into my nose. The mention of Buffy distracting me long enough for her to get the upper hand. I saw stars for a moment and stumbled backwards as I felt the sticky and warm sensation of blood gushing over my lips.

"Shit! I'm sorry!" she gasped, grabbing a towel off a nearby chair and handing it to me. I wiped the blood from my face, but thanks to quick healing the pain was already starting to ebb.

"It's okay," I muttered, secretly thankful for the distraction. I hoped she would forget the question, "Maybe it's time to call it a day."

She nodded, and began stretching out her arms as I crossed towards the stairs wringing the towel between my hands.

"So you're not gonna answer me are you?" came her voice from behind me.

I turned back with a grim smile, she was too clever for me to try and evade her.

"It's a long and complicated story," I muttered.

"Is it ever anything else with the two of you?" she asked wryly.

"Unfortunately no," I sighed, leaning against the bannister.

She grinned back, and opened her mouth to reply when a loud crash was heard from upstairs, Faith and I exchanged quick looks before I turned and dashed to the main floor with her following at my heels. Entering the lobby, there was nothing amiss, when the smell of blood suddenly wafted towards me from the kitchen, it was faint, but still sent me into a panic as I raced towards the room.

From the doorway, nothing seemed out of place, until I noticed Cordelia's feet sticking out from behind the counter, I hurried around the large island to find her in a heap on the floor, unconscious, a broken glass lay shattered beside her, and a large shard was protruding from her palm.

"I'll get Wesley," Faith murmured from behind me, then disappeared as I kicked aside the splintered pieces of glass and knelt next to her. I pulled the glass from her hand, thankful to have the towel with me to staunch the blood from the wound, before propping her up in my arms.

"Cordy?"

Her eyelids twitched, but she didn't reply.

"Cordy?" I repeated.

Her eyes suddenly snapped open and she gasped, her hands clawing for me as I attempted to keep the towel pressed to her wound, "It's okay, it's okay!"

Her eyes finally focused, and widened as they fell on me, "A-angel?" she stammered.

"It was a vision, it's okay... I'm here," I comforted her.

Her eyes suddenly clouded over, and she turned away from me with a shudder and tried to stand, but I kept my grip on her.

"You're hurt, hold on."

She settled back down on the ground, but refused to make eye contact with me. Instead she kept her eyes focused on the water that was snaking along the grout between the floor tiles as she chewed on her bottom lip.

Her behaviour worried me, even as the visions worsened, she had always told us what she saw.

"What was it this time?" I asked.

She swallowed, and kept her eyes averted, "It was... um..." she trailed off.

I watched the horror and despair play over her features, and I knew. It was the only explanation for her reluctance to tell me, "Cordy, please," I whispered, praying to the Powers that she wouldn't lie this time.

"It was hard to make out..." she began, her voice wavering as she fought back her tears, "But there was another horse and rider... I'm guessing Famine... then..." she paused again, and Wesley appeared in the doorway with Faith, the first-aid kit in his hand.

"Then?" I urged, she needed to say it, she needed to tell me now so I could be sure we didn't repeat the same mistakes.

"Then there was an earthquake and... and..." her voice broke, but then suddenly her eyes clouded over again, and she seemed to retreat into herself, she cleared her throat before she spoke again, "I can't really remember the rest, it was really hazy."

I studied her, incredulous. She'd lied right to my face. "Are you sure?"

She nodded, "Yeah."

I nodded in agreement, and rose to my feet to let Wesley take care of her hand. He sunk to the floor beside her and began to dig through the first aid kit.

The dread I'd felt when the hospital had exploded was suddenly back, and this time amplified. She had seen me die, I knew it just from the expression on her face as she watched me staring at her from the doorway. I turned to Faith before deciding to go back to my office.

"Watch her, she's getting worse," I whispered to her.

With a frown, Faith nodded, and I disappeared.

I wondered how much longer I could rely on Cordelia's promise that she wouldn't contact Buffy.

~0~

The following days did nothing but confirm my suspicions of what Cordelia's vision had been about. She still had not confessed to what she had seen, even with my gentle prodding she claimed she could not recall the rest of it, but the haunted expression she'd begun wearing day to day did nothing to convince me. I pleaded with Wesley to try and get an answer out of her, hoping that maybe she would be more likely to open up to someone other than me, but within a few days he'd come back to me empty handed, saying she'd eventually snapped at him.

I knew we were down to the wire, the five months were almost up, and though Buffy still had yet to storm into the Hyperion, I knew I was not out of the woods yet.

I began to get reckless, I was out patrolling the streets nightly, attacking every vampire and demon I came across, mercilessly attempting to beat answers out of them, yet not one knew a thing.

"Who cares!" one vampire spat at me, blood and teeth spraying from his lips from the amount of times I'd hit him, "Do you think it matters to us what's really going on? As long as that damn fever doesn't pick off all the humans, we don't give a damn!"

"I'm sorry that I'm gonna have to cut your enjoyment of it short then," I growled as I jammed the stake into his heart, and turned away before the ashes could settle.

I was seething as the realization crashed down on me that the vampire had a point. Was there a single creature out there that would care to find out what as causing this? One that didn't just want to celebrate the death and the chaos, but wanted to understand it? I doubted it. Not one would question what had brought them their good fortune as long as it continued, and it sent me reeling.

It seemed the daunting task of destroying the Four Horsemen would be the only way to end this, and for now we had absolutely no clue what that would entail. Could they even be killed?

Lost in my thoughts, I hadn't even realized that I was wandering towards the seemingly abandoned Wolfram & Hart offices. Standing outside the gates I peered up at the ominous building, straining my eyes and my senses to see if I could detect anyone within. It was hopeless. I was so focused on what I was doing I didn't notice anyone was next to me until he spoke.

"Some things weren't meant to be stopped, no matter how hard ye try," he muttered.

It was Doyle.

"Then why bother sending me back here to re-live it?" I growled.

The corner of his mouth twitched into a sad smile, "It's not hopeless, what you're tryin' te do," he began, "If the world couldn't be saved, you wouldn't be here."

"Then tell me what I need to do!" I snapped, "We can't find anything, and if They know something and They want this finished, then They need to throw us a goddamn bone!" I gripped the bars of the gate to keep from attacking something or someone.

"You think The Powers tell me anythin' more than what they want me to tell you?" Doyle scoffed, "If I knew how to help ye I would!"

A growl rumbled in my chest. I knew he had a point, but I also knew that time was running out, time that I desperately needed to save Buffy.

"What I can tell ye, is that Los Angeles is not meant to be saved."

I turned to him, he was studying me mournfully, "Whatever battle is fought here, will not be the last one."

"Is that why Buffy needs to live?" I asked.

"I assume so..." he shrugged, "Like I said, they don't tell me everythin'"

And he was gone.

Suddenly feeling tired and worn, I made my way back to the Hotel, the streets looking more and more derelict each passing day. Shops were beginning to be boarded up, garbage and broken glass were strewn everywhere, people were camped out outside pharmacies, hoping to get something, anything that would break their fevers, while those that were already impoverished or homeless could be heard wheezing and hacking from deep inside alleyways.

Doyle was right; the city had fallen.

The Hyperion was quiet and dark as I entered the lobby, it was early in the morning, the sun would not rise for another few hours, and I imagined everyone was sleeping. I made my way towards my office, perhaps to do some more reading before turning in myself, when I noticed a soft light coming from inside. I hadn't recalled leaving it on when I left, and I inched towards the door slowly and wearily until I could hear a whisper coming from inside.

"I'm sorry for waking you..." it was Cordelia, I froze in horror.

"I just... I just don't know who to turn to... I know if I tell him he'll say it's meant to happen, that there's nothing that should be done, but it can't be, there has to be a way to prevent it..."

The walls were closing in on me, without even hearing the other end of the conversation, I could only imagine who she was talking to.

"He'll die, Buffy, he'll die and I don't know how to stop it."

I felt suddenly like someone had thrown ice water over me, and my stomach knotted painfully.

"I don't know what happened when he was there, but... but I know if anyone would want to save him as much as I do... it's you."

I pressed my forehead into the wall beside the door and let my eyes slide shut, praying silently that she wouldn't agree to come.

"Thank you..." Cordelia sighed, and I knew it was over, "And... and please don't tell him I called, he doesn't even know what I saw."

I turned swiftly, my hands clenched tightly into fists, and stalked upstairs to my room. This was it then, I knew now what my only option was, the only way that Buffy could be spared.

I had to sacrifice myself in her place.

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**Please review!**


	23. Chapter 22: They Came To Conquer

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Sorry for the irregular updates everyone, May is turning out to be somewhat of a hectic month for me at work, and I've been having to use the weekends to catch up on everything else I need to do; which unfortunately means lots of running errands, and not a whole lot of leisure time for writing or editing. We're almost at the end here though, only 5 chapters left to go, so I hope you'll all keep checking in. I promise I'll do my best to try at the very least to not go longer than two weeks between updates. If not I'm hoping things will have settled down for me by the end of May, and maybe I'll get back on schedule!

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Chapter 22: They Came to Conquer

The next week I spent in agony, holding my non-existent breath every time I passed by the lobby, praying to The Powers that Buffy wouldn't walk through the front door.

As little faith as I had in the U.S. Military's ability to combat supernatural forces, I certainly hoped that they would be able to keep Buffy and her Scooby Gang from getting into the city, it was the only vain hope that I had left.

Cordelia has begun avoiding me at all costs. In fact, she had begun avoiding everyone, choosing instead to remain locked up in her room with the lights out unless absolutely necessary. It concerned me, her visions had not gotten so violent this quickly before, and I wondered if she would even be able to hold on long enough to get through the initial battle here, let alone go on the run if necessary when the city was destroyed. When she did surface, she would barely look at me, and when she did an expression of sheer guilt crept over her features, but I never gave her any indication that I knew why.

It was too late, and she was too weak to argue.

Sparring sessions with Faith had become so intense that even she had begun to cast me strange glances, but in a very un-Faith-like manner she never confronted me.

There were often times when I sat in my office, staring at the telephone, wondering if I should attempt contacting Giles, but I knew if it came down to it, he would never be able to stop Buffy if she'd set her mind on coming here.

It was during one of those moments, where I once again sat brooding in my office that Wesley appeared in the doorway and cleared his throat to get my attention.

"Do you have a moment?" he asked.

"Unless something else explodes in the next little while," I replied wryly.

Wesley grinned, but it didn't quite reach his eyes, as he stepped into the office and settled into the chair opposite my desk, "It's about Cordelia."

I studied him, frowning. I knew it could be nothing good, but I nodded for him to continue.

He sighed, and looked down to a small book clutched in his hands before he continued, "I was reading more about the seals, and I believe I may have a theory concerning her worsening visions."

I waited silently for him to explain, a sense of foreboding churning in my gut. His expression did not look optimistic.

"The fifth seal," he said finally, "Is said to release, well, to paraphrase, 'the cries of the martyred souls'."

After a moment I nodded, feeling that I understood his line of thinking, "Cordelia's visions have all been of those dying after the other seals have been opened."

"Precisely," he confirmed, "She saw the destruction of the Research Hospital mere moments before it occurred, and this latest vision which she refused to tell us about must be related as well, if not I'm certain she would have divulged it to us already."

I nodded again. It was certain that the doctors killed in the explosion could be seen as martyrs – dying while trying to find a cure to combat Pestilence, but could I be considered a martyr? Was my decision to sacrifice myself in order to keep Buffy alive enough?

"But why would this be happening now if this is supposed to happen when the fifth seal is cut?" I wondered, "Can they even open them out of sequence?"

"There's no information on the subject... I suppose they could..."  
"Unless the first four seals have all been broken already, and the other two are just biding time to make their presence known." I suggested wearily.

Wesley looked disturbed by my revelation, "Yes, that could very well be a possibility..."

"They couldn't know that it would affect Cordelia though, could they?"

"I honestly couldn't say, but it is a troubling thought that they may have that sort of insight into the seals..."

I pushed the thought out of my head. If my memory served, a time would come when the images in her visions would drive Cordelia to the breaking point, and it seemed that time was coming faster this time around. "How do we stop them? The visions."

Wesley sighed, his expression was morose, "I'm not certain we can," he said softly, "I have a feeling they will just continue to get worse the more the situation escalates."

"That's not good enough," I growled.

"Angel, we're coming up empty-handed as it is," he replied, "There is veritably no information on the subject, what do you propose we do?"

"Anything!" I huffed, "Look up spells, look up... I don't know, but we're not giving up on her."

I pushed myself away from the desk, and rose to my feet, when I finally pried my eyes away from Wesley and looked over his head to the door of my office to find us being watched.

Her golden hair was pulled up into a messy bun, her clothes were dirty, slightly torn, but it matched the slight bruise on her cheek and the tiny split in her lip. Clearly she hadn't had the easiest time getting to the hotel.

Still, my heart constricted as our eyes met, hers troubled and full of concern.

"Buffy?"

Wesley's head snapped to the side, to see if she was really there.

"More bad news?" she asked, stepping into the office. Immediately, the rest of her gang appeared in the doorway. Dawn slipped in first, glued to Willow and Tara's side, followed by Giles, who's dire expression was only rivalled by Wesley's. The two former Watcher's met eyes for a moment, and nodded towards each other, before Xander was begrudgingly pulled into the room by Anya, who smiled a little too brightly considering the atmosphere, in order to make up for her fiancee's mood. Finally, Spike stepped into the room, his hands shoved deep into his pockets, and a smirk playing on his lips. I glowered at him as he pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, and placed one between his lips.

"You're not smoking in here," I growled, before turning back to Buffy, "What are you doing here?" I asked, rounding the edge of my desk and stepping towards her. She took a step back, hurt flashing across her features, and I stopped.

She looked conflicted for a mere moment before she replied. It confirmed my suspicions that she would hide that Cordelia had begged her to come, "The explosion. It was all over the news."

"Given what we know, we felt it was linked to the scroll in some way," Giles cut in, noticing the tension between the two of us, "War has been released, as it not?"

"We're afraid so," Wesley confirmed.

"We thought you could use some help," Buffy added, looking downright haunted. I wondered how much of it was because of what Cordelia had told her, and how much was because of what I'd done before leaving Sunnydale.

"You shouldn't have come," I replied, probably a little too forcefully, "It's looking like L.A. is beyond saving, you don't need to get caught up in this."

"I'm already caught up in this," she argued, "If we don't stop it here, it'll spread. And who knows what will happen if we let it get to the Hellmouth."

I shook my head, "This isn't your fight, Buffy."

"Really? Because last I checked I was a Slayer, and apocalyptic scenarios fell under the umbrella of my responsibilities."

"Not to interfere here," Xander suddenly cut in, causing everyone else to hold their breaths as they waited for either Buffy or I to explode for being interrupted, "But if Dead-Boy doesn't want us interfering with some bloody battle that's sure to end with a bunch of us severely mangled or killed, why are we arguing?"

"Shut up Xander..." Willow muttered.

"Because Buffy here's got a superiority complex, and thinks that no one can save the world but her!" Spike yawned from where he was still leaning against the bookcase, causing Buffy to spin around with her eyes flashing angrily.

"Nobody asked you to come along, Spike," she growled.

"Yeah, but the Hellmouth just seemed like it would be so borin' without you 'round."

She ignored him, and turned back to me, "I'm not leaving."

"Buffy, if we can't stop this, we'll need you to protect the Hellmouth from what's coming," I pleaded with her.

"All the more reason why I should be here trying to stop it before it gets to that point."

"Though we all appreciate your desire to keep us out of danger, Angel," Giles cut in, hoping to diffuse some of the mounting tension, "Perhaps if we combine our efforts we'll have more success."

"Yes, Angel, I think Mr. Giles has a point..." Wesley offered.

"No," I answered, "You all need to leave, now."

"You can't force us to leave!" Buffy argued.

"Buffy, you don't understand, just please-"

"What? Do you think I'm not ready to handle this?!"

"You know that has nothing to do with it."

"Then what?!"

"Stop it!" Dawn shouted, and the room fell silent.

"Stop it," she repeated, "You guys will be so busy arguing you won't even see the world ending!"

Buffy looked downright ashamed of her temper, and I had to admit I felt slightly ashamed of my insistence that they leave. They would be an immense help, but what else could I do to ensure Buffy's safety?

"I don't really want to be here either," Dawn continued, "But I want the world to end less, so... we're here."

Willow stepped forward, putting a hand on Dawn's shoulder in a protective manner, "Yeah... Tara and I have been looking up spells, we found a couple things that might help if we tinker with them a bit..." she offered, "Besides, if we can't stop this at the source, what sort of hope will we have in Sunnydale?"

"I too would prefer it if my shop wasn't blown to bits by hell creatures." Anya agreed, nudging Xander in the ribs.

"Yeah, yeah, let's all help Angel save the world. Whatever," he muttered.

Buffy turned back to me, her eyes filled with tumult. She was scared, but I knew it was not for herself, it was for me. "We're staying," she whispered.

I studied her in silence. I'd known since the moment she stepped into my office that there would be no convincing her to turn around and leave, but I knew I had to try. "Fine," I murmured, "You all should get settled then. Follow me."

I turned my attention back to the doorway, ready to lead Buffy and her crew back to the lobby and settled into some of the more habitable rooms in the hotel, when my eyes fell on Faith, peering into the room apprehensively. I wondered how long she'd been standing there listening to us all argue.

The rest of the gang had all fallen silent, and were staring at her with varying degrees of shock.

"Hey guys..." she offered weakly, wincing as she turned towards Buffy.

I cast a glance at the Slayer near my side. Her eyes were wide, incredulous, and her fists unconsciously clenched at her sides, "What are you doing here?" she almost hissed.

"I don't wanna cause any trouble, B," she began, raising her hands in front of her as an act of surrender, "Angel asked for my help, that's all."

Buffy's anger was suddenly directed towards me, "You _broke _her out of jail?!"

"Technically, she broke herself out... I just asked her to," I sighed.

"Out of the frying pan... into the fire..." Spike chuckled.

"Spike!" I growled, before turning back to Buffy, "Let's get everyone settled in their rooms, then we'll talk about this,"

"What's there to talk about?! You'll draft the help of a convicted murderer, but leave me in the dark?!"

"B," Faith began.

"Don't call me that," Buffy seethed, stalking towards Faith, "Stop calling me that!"

It was turn now for Faith's eyes to narrow towards Buffy, and an angry sneer twitched at the corner of her lips, "I get it; you don't trust me, and that's fine. I deserve it. But if you really wanna beat this thing as much as you've just been saying you do, then get the fuck over it. Angel asked for my help, so I'm gonna help. If you can't deal with that then maybe you _should_ leave."

"I think perhaps it would be best if we all took a step back right now and reminded ourselves that we're all fighting on the same team!" Wesley cut in finally, rising from his seat in front of my desk.

Whether or not Buffy had heard him, she remained silent. Staring in shock at Faith before she blinked herself back to the present.

"Angel... I think my friends need some rooms," she muttered, before pushing past the dark haired Slayer, and stalking across the lobby and disappearing out the door.

"Right..." I muttered, watching her disappear.

Faith cast me an apologetic look, "I think I'm gonna head downstairs... stay out of everyone's hair..." she stated quietly, before slipping away.

Buffy's gang was all watching me, as an uncomfortable silence filled the office. "Follow me, I guess," I said, and began leading them all towards the front desk to collect the room keys.

I had two Slayers at odds with each other, a Seer on the brink of a nervous breakdown, and absolutely no clue what was coming next.

The world was going to end.

~0~

Once everyone was settled, I found Buffy out in the courtyard, pacing slowly back and forth as she kicked around the debris at her feet. She didn't look in my direction, but I could tell from the way her body stiffened that she knew I was there, watching her.

"I should have mentioned Faith, I'm sorry." I said softly.

She sighed, and stopped pacing, but kept her arms crossed in front of her and her eyes on her feet, "No, I was acting like an ass... don't apologize."

I continued to study her, as she dug her toes into the cracks in the concrete. Her gaze flickered up towards me occasionally, but she'd avert it again as soon as she saw me still watching her.

"I would have called... I just... I didn't think you'd come after..."

"Yeah," she whispered, then fell silent again.

She barely made eye contact with me, and I was torn between turning and walking away to let her stew, and falling at her feet and asking her to forgive me.

"Maybe I shouldn't have, but I couldn't justify watching you all burn from a distance."

She glanced at me briefly before averting her eyes again, and the forlorn look on her face caused my heart to clench. Her body language was so slumped and defeated that it worried me; it was no state for her to be in before marching into battle, "Buffy, can we talk about this?"

With her arms crossed over her chest and her eyes fixed on a spot on the ground just beyond where I was standing, she paused for a moment; if I drew breath I would have been holding it while I waited for her to reply.

"It was a mistake," she began, "It shouldn't have happened. What more is there to say?"

Without so much as another glance in my direction, she slipped by me and back into the hotel, leaving me alone in the courtyard as shouts, police sirens and the sound of breaking glass swelled in the distance. A feeling of dread washed over me as I thought of the events that were sure to unfold; I had to do something about Buffy, I couldn't let her launch herself into such a hopeless fight when she was in such a state. There was no way she could survive, she had even less fire than the last time, and it would surely spell disaster.

I had to fix this, I had to set things right between us, but I couldn't decide if it was for her benefit, or because I couldn't stand the thought of leaving this earth with our relationship in ruins?

* * *

**Please review!**


	24. Chapter 23: Starved and Fractured

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Oh look, a somewhat on-time update! I promise in the next couple of weeks I'll be able to get back on top of things... of course we'll be nearing the last chapters by that point... but it's the thought that counts, right?

As usual, thank you for all the reviews! I'm glad people enjoyed the last chapter; I stress so much when I have everyone in the same room and have to make sure they stay in character and yet contribute something, it's such a daunting task.

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Chapter 23: Starved and Fractured

"No, Dawn. The answer is no!"

I'd gotten used to hearing Buffy's voice through the paper-thin walls in the hotel, yet having her all but ignore me face to face. It was something that I'd grown to accept in the week following her arrival; however, there was something in her tone that had caused me to look up from the axe I was sharpening at my desk and lean to peer out the door into the lobby.

"Are you being serious?!" came Dawn's shrill reply as she stalked across the cold tile after Buffy, "You're asking for me to end up dead!"

"No, putting a weapon in your hand and sending you out those doors is asking for you to end up dead," Buffy argued, "You stay in here, you stay safe."

"And what about once it gets bad?" Dawn retorted, stopping in her tracks and placing her hands on her hips defiantly, "What then?"

"It's not going to get bad," Buffy sighed, "We're going to stop this."

"Oh! Of course! Because all this researching and hiding away indoors is how we're going to win!"

"Dawn-"

"Mind if I step in Ducks?" Spike's voice cut into the spat, just as I'd decided to leave my office and perhaps separate the sisters before things could get worse. I paused in the doorway to watch the scene unfold.

Buffy, surprisingly, fell silent as Spike hopped down the steps towards them, "I think the L'il Bit may have a point," he stated, causing Buffy's eyes to grow wide.

"Alright, you're done stepping in."

"She's your sister, Buffy," Spike continued, "Apocalypse aside, you're Public Enemy number one in the Demon community... you never know when she may become a target."

Buffy looked contemplative, like she may actually be considering Spike's advice, until she turned to Dawn and noticed the smug look on the teen's face, "Absolutely not. I'm not teaching you to fight."

"Fine. I will then," Spike replied.

"Yeah!" Dawn chimed in, "Spike can train me!"

Buffy stalked towards him slowly, "You'll do nothing of the sort."

"Just try and stop me love," Spike grinned.

"Is that a challenge?" she hissed.

"I'll do it," I called across the lobby, causing all three of them to snap their heads towards me.

Buffy sighed in exasperation, "No one is training her, are we clear?"

"Why not?!" Dawn almost growled.

"Buffy, when the battle hits, I think it'll put everyone's minds at ease if she can fend for herself out there. If we don't have to be constantly worrying, trying to make sure she's protected, we can focus more on what we need to to do beat this." I crossed towards them while Buffy looked like she was searching valiantly for a flaw in my logic. Finally, with her lips pursed, and her shoulders slumped, she seemed to give in, and turned back to her sister.

"Fine. But you don't leave this building unless I tell you to, understand?"

Dawn nodded frantically, her eyes wide, then turned to me, "When do we start?" she asked, trying to conceal the grin on her face.

"Not right now, I need to meet with someone," I replied.

With another nod, Dawn bounded up the stairs with an air of triumph, and Buffy turned to escape, as she continuously had over the past week whenever there was the slightest possibility that we might end up alone in the same room together.

"Buffy?" I called after her, "Will you come?" We'd decided that no one left the Hyperion alone, not with how chaotic things were getting outside, I hoped given that there was no one else around at the moment, she would agree, and we could finally have a moment to talk.

She stopped in her tracks, her fists balled tightly at her sides, "Take Spike," she answered without even a glance back in my direction.

Spike snorted in amusement, "I'm not goin' anywhere with him, Ducks, not unless you don't want me to come back."

"I don't see how you're being useful around here," I snapped, "I wouldn't consider it much of a loss,"

Buffy span on her heel, and rolled her eyes at Spike, "Take Faith then."

"She's out with Gunn," I replied.

She sighed heavily again, before stalking back towards me, "Fine. Why can't you two just learn to play nice?"

She didn't even stop as she reached me, she simply continued towards the door, expecting me to follow.

I did, with a sense of dread growing in the pit of my stomach.

~0~

"Are you sure it's a good idea for me to be here with you?"

Buffy peered around the dimly lit bar as we descended the last step into Caritas. No one had taken notice to her being in their midst yet, all of the patrons continued to mill about, enjoying their 'refreshments', or sat hunched at the bar. Lorne was on stage, belting out something that must have been a show tune, I didn't much stay on top of Musical Theatre.

"This is a peaceful establishment; there's no danger of anyone attacking you," I replied.

Buffy smirked slightly, "Yeah, not exactly what I was worried about..." she turned her attention back to the stage, where Lorne was finishing up his rendition. Her expression was incredulous as she watched him, "Good set of pipes for a demon..."

Lorne replaced the microphone in the stand, and hopped off the stage. Once the spotlights were no longer blinding him, he noticed the two of us still standing near the entrance, and began to cross towards us, "Yeah, he's not bad..." I muttered as he approached.

"Angel-face! Look at you, finding time to date, with an impending apocalypse and everything!" Lorne teased, glancing between the two of us.

"Uh, not a date..." Buffy scoffed, averting her eyes to the ground. I wondered if it was to hide the same defeated expression she'd worn in the courtyard a week ago.

I brought my attention back to Lorne before he could make another comment, and give Buffy any more reasons to try and widen the divide between us, "Unfortunately this isn't a social call, Lorne," I began, "And this is Buffy, she-"

"Buffy?" Lorne interrupted, "_Your _Buffy, _the_ Buffy?" he exclaimed, however quietly to not attract the attention of his patrons.

"Oh, apparently my reputation preceeds me..." she quipped half-heartedly at my side.

Lorne frowned at her, then drew closer to me, "You know you and your friends are always welcome, Muffin, but what made you think it would be Kosher to bring her here? This is supposed to be a safe haven; with everything that's happening out there what do you think is going to happen if word starts getting out that I let the Chosen One in here? No offence sweetheart," he muttered, glancing towards Buffy again.

"None taken," she replied, with a smug grin, "I told you I should wait outside," she said to me, and turned quietly to climb the steps back to the door. I watched her go, my frustration with the strain between us mounting with each step she took back towards the surface. I was broke out of my reverie by an arm clapping around my shoulders and a chuckle in my hear.

"Has she ever got a spell on you, my friend," he led me towards the bar, where he slid behind the counter, and poured me a drink before leaning in to speak quietly.

"It's not like that anymore..." I argued weakly, pulling the glass closer, to keep up the pretence, even though I had no intention of drinking it.

"Sure," Lorne chuckled, "I bet if I threw you up on stage right now I'd get an entirely different story,"

"I'm not here so you can poke around inside my head," I answered, unconsciously taking a sip from the glass in front of me. The taste of blood filled my mouth, and I frowned down into the glass, "Where did you get this?"

"From a _willing _donor, if that's what you're worried about, Crumbcake," he replied, "So? If you're not here to serenade me with your tone-deaf stylings, what are you here for?"

"Just checking in," I explained, "Still quiet?"

"As a mouse," Lorne sighed, "You know I would have been breaking down your front door if I had heard anything."

I nodded in agreement, and went back to staring into my glass.

He leaned back from the bar, to survey his patrons with a frown, "To be honest, I don't think you're gonna find the type of demon that knows things hanging out in a place like this..."

It was my turn to frown, "I know."

I did know, but at the same time, I didn't know what else to do about it. Lorne was the only safe tie I had to the demon community. The only advantage I had; short of canvasing the sewers and attempting to beat the answers out of whatever I found down there. I knew it was a plan that Faith, Gunn, and Spike would definitely be up for, maybe even Buffy in her current state of mind, but it seemed too risky with the state of things on the surface, who knew what we'd find down there, and now was not the time to put our strongest fighters at risk.

"Hey, no need to go into uber-brood mode," Lorne continued, and I started to wonder just how much of my mind he could read even when I wasn't embarrassing myself on stage, "I'll keep an ear to the ground, it's not time to give up hope yet."

"No, of course not," I agreed, rising from the bar stool and jamming my hands into my pockets, "If things start to get too rough though... you should get out. You can blend, no one should give you any trouble."

Lorne's green brow furrowed, "Now what kind of a pansy do you take me for?"

"I don't. But just because the rest of us are setting up to get eaten alive by this thing, doesn't mean you have to," I turned away from him, and started to make my way back towards the door.

"Say hello to your girlfriend for me!" Lorne called after me, and I turned to glare at him, but he'd already started to thread his way through the tables, back to the stage.

~0~

I found Buffy just outside the entrance, pacing like a tiger ready to strike. She span around upon hearing the door swing open, and as though she momentarily forgot herself, she sighed in relief when she saw it was me.

"Thank God, I was getting antsy out here... and I think I may have accidentally scared away a couple of your friend's customers," she frowned.

"Not a big deal," I replied, "Come on."

She fell into step beside me almost out of habit, and cut silently through a few back alleyways before arriving at a quieter side street in order to avoid the throngs of sick and angry people that continued to riot each night. It seemed she finally remembered herself, and as soon as we were out of the cramped alleyway she widened the gap between us as we walked.

"So?" she finally asked, seemingly to distract herself from the uncomfortable silence, "Nothing, I'm guessing?"

"No," I muttered, "It's still looking pretty bleak."

"We may have to head down into the sewers anyway, it's looking like we have no other choice," she mused.

"It's too big of a risk," I replied, "We can't afford to lose any of our numbers, not with how little we're prepared."

Buffy was silent again for a moment, "We could send Spike," she bit, "I'm sure it wouldn't bother you if _he_ didn't come back."

I turned to her, her eyes were fixed on the street ahead of us, and she refused to turn to me despite the fact that I was sure she could see me out of the corner of her eye, "He's a strong fighter, we'll need him when the worst hits."

"Right," she scoffed.

I continued to stare at her, and she continued to blatantly ignore me as we drew closer and closer to the Hyperion, "Are you two still-"

"No!" she almost yelped, before quickly composing herself, "No... that ended... well, you saw when it ended," she gritted between her teeth.

Silence hung around us heavily again, so heavily that I swore I could feel it crushing my soul. I couldn't take the tension anymore, not on top of the weight of knowing what was about to come, of knowing what type of battle we were about to march into. I grabbed Buffy by the arm and turned her towards me, "Buffy we need to talk about this," I urged.

"No, no we don't!" she argued, attempting to pull her arm out of my grasp but I held tight.

"Yes, we do. A war is about to ravage this city, and I am not charging out there knowing that it may be the last time we see each other, I'm not leaving things like this."

"Leaving things like what, Angel? It's okay for you to walk away without even so much as a goodbye when it's convenient for you, but when you decide you actually do want to talk I still don't get a say in it?!"

"The circumstances are different this time, We-"

"Made a mistake. A really, really big one. One that if it had gone the same way as it did the first time, it would have cost a lot of people their lives... including at least one of us. Now I don't know what else you think we have to talk about, but there's nothing else I have to say about it; I'm here to fight, to hopefully smack down whatever the cause of this Apocalypse is, and then..." she trailed off, and turned her head slightly as if she were straining to hear something just out of range, "Is that a helicopter?"

I turned in the direction she was straining, and listened quietly; almost instantly I knew what the noise was, and dread washed over me. I dropped her arm, and stepped closer to the sound.

"What is it?" she asked.

"It's no helicopter..." I muttered, before turning back towards her, she was holding her breath, her eyes held a mix of fear and curiosity, "Those are hooves."

She held my gaze for only a few moments, long enough for my words to sink in, and for her to steel herself, before she crouched down, and pulled a dagger from her boot, she studied it as she rose, "I'm suddenly wishing I'd brought a bigger blade."

With her at my back, I took a step towards the noise, "It's more than I have... all I've got are stakes."

"There's something ironic about that..." she muttered as we broke into a jog, and rounded the next corner, drawing closer to the sound.

Staying close to the sides of the buildings, we crept closer, and discovered a fiery red horse, its rider's sword raised high above his head, and a horse so black it seemed to be made of shadows, galloping at full speed as it circled a crate that lay in the middle of the street. Two men in military gear were unconscious, splayed out on the road, as a mob of citizens struggled to pry open the crate, each one stopping short to claw at whomever was near them, screaming at them to back off, that they had been there first, that they needed whatever was inside more. All seemed completely oblivious to the horsemen circling them, feeding their frenzy.

"Come on folks," Buffy called out, stepping into view, "Didn't any of you learn how to share in Kindergarden?"

The residents ignored her, continued to maim each other and tear at the crate, but both riders slowed their horses, and turned their attention towards her.

"Buffy..." I muttered, sneaking up behind her and grabbing her by the arm.

"Okay... I guess I should have anticipated that..." she squeaked, just as both riders dug their heels into their mounts and snapped their reins, urging their horses forward after Buffy and I.

We turned, and sprinted full speed into a narrow alley behind a nearby building. The cramped passage did nothing to deter our pursuers, and the thundering of hooves drew closer, and closer behind us no matter how many twists and turns we took.

"Head back to the Hyperion!" I shouted to Buffy, "I'll try and lose them!"

"I don't think so! You are not taking these guys on alone!" she shouted as she continued to speed along just in front of me.

"We need to lead them away from the hotel!" I shouted, glancing behind us in time to see the dark rider pull a whip from his belt.

They were almost on our heels, the sound of hooves beating loudly against the pavement echoed and bounced off the walls around us. We turned again, into a wider alley, lined with dumpsters and debris.

"I have an idea!" Buffy yelled finally, "On my count, get to higher ground!"

We struggled not to slow our pace, as the black horseman's whip cracked behind us, my eyes fixed on a rickety old fire escape jutting out from the building just up ahead.

"Now!" Buffy shouted just as we were within reach, and she hurdled herself onto the top of one of the dumpsters, while I launched myself at the fire escape, pulling myself up to the small landing as the rusted bolts holding it together groaned in protest.

I scrambled to my feet, trying to gain my bearings, and keep Buffy in my sight, as the two horsemen rode by underneath me. Without even a word of warning, Buffy threw herself onto the back of the red rider's horse, wrapping one of her arm's around his neck, and grappling for his sword with her free hand. The struggle caused the rider to jerk the horse's reins, and it brayed angrily, rising up on its hind quarters, and alerting the other rider. He slowed his mount, and turned it around to see the cause of the ruckus, just as Buffy and the Red Rider crashed to the ground.

"Buffy!" I shouted, but I was ignored, as the Black Rider began to charge towards his companion, who had just managed to throw Buffy off of him, and scramble to his feet.

I launched myself off the fire escape and attempted to grab hold of the Black Rider, when suddenly he was gone, and I crashed full force to the asphalt below.

With a groan, I rose to my feet, and found Buffy and I alone in the alley.

She jumped up, and quickly assumed a fighting stance as she scanned the alley in confusion, "Where... where did they go?"

I glanced around us, all was quiet. I wasn't sure how far we'd gotten from the group of citizens fighting over the supply crate, but I couldn't even hear their cries, the silence was almost eerie. "I'm not sure," I muttered, "Maybe they're able to walk between planes of existence..."

"Right... then maybe we should get out of here before Scotty decides to beam them back down."

"What?"

I could've sworn she almost smirked, "Nothing. Let's just get back to the hotel."

She turned away, trying to reorient herself, and find which direction was the way back to the Hyperion.

"Buffy wait," I said, grabbing her by the arm and turning her back towards me, "What were you thinking, tackling one of them on your own like that?"

Her face screwed into a scowl, "I thought they worked as a team," she replied, "That if I took one down, the rest couldn't do any damage, it would be over."

"I don't think we're going to win that easy," I argued, as she shrugged her arm out of my grip.

"Well it was worth a shot, wasn't it?" she sighed.

"I don't know, is getting trampled by a demonic horse worth it?"

"You had my back, didn't you?" She retorted, turning to challenge me with her hands on her hips.

I shook my head, speechless, as she continued to stare me down, "It's this way back to the hotel, right?" She asked finally, nodding her head to an alley at her right.

"Right," I sighed, and she swept off in that direction, with me following closely and silently behind her the whole way. There was not another sighting of any of the horsemen, but I kept a keen eye out nonetheless. She would jump at the chance for another battle, anything to keep me from bringing up the issue I had broached before the attack.

We made it back to the hotel without any other sightings, and without any other words being spoken, but I knew I still needed to get through to her. The battle would come, and one of us would die; I needed to say my piece, whether she wanted to hear it or not.

I stopped her in the courtyard again, and she peered at me curiously, "Did you hear something?" she asked.

"No, but you need to hear me,"

Her eyes widened, and she turned to pull away, "Don't do this Angel, not now-"

I followed her, my grip held firmly on her arm, and pulled her against the wall outside the front door, "Yes, now, there may not be another time, so we're doing this now!"

"This is not the time to be taking risks, to be acting impulsively!" she hissed, "You can't go back on your morals just because we're-"

"Just let me talk!" I shouted. To the passerby, it would have looked like I had her pinned to the wall against her will, but I wasn't using any force, despite her protests, she stayed there, almost entirely pressed against me, her breathing growing more and more heavy with each passing second, the anger and frustration in her eyes slowly fading to uncertainty.

"I know what we did was irresponsible and rash," I continued, "I know we can never let it happen again; but we're up against something right now that we may not be able to walk away from, and I am not marching into battle with us at odds like this, you're too important to me."

She looked down, but before I did I caught a glimpse of an almost imperceptible glimmer of tears shining in her eyes, and my heart clenched. No matter what, it would always be pain between us.

"Angel please stop," she whispered.

"I can't," I answered just as softly, "I told you the first time I said it, and it still hasn't changed. I can't stop loving you, and I never will... and I need for us to be okay if there's a chance one of us may not make it through."

She slowly looked back up at me, the turmoil in her eyes causing my insides to churn, "How could you even question how I feel?" she murmured, as she fought to keep her tears from falling, "You know that won't change, that I can't make that change-"

"Then why are you-?"

"Because I'm not ready for this!" she whimpered.

I searched her face pleadingly, waiting for her to continue.

"Do you think I don't understand what we're up against? That I don't get how big it is?" she asked, "Because I do... I get it, and it terrifies me. I don't see an outcome where we get to do a victory dance, I don't see an outcome where I'm not cut down, or I don't lose everything and everyone that I love, and I'm not ready to cope with that... God, I'm barely able to cope with being back on this earth!"

"Then let me help you," I whispered, "Buffy I want to be there, I want to-"

"But you can't," She interrupted, shaking her head, "You can't, because, if I let myself feel this, if I let myself remember what it's like with you..." she raised her hand shakily, and I felt her run it over my chest. Before she could snatch it away I wrapped my hand around her own and held it tightly in place, "If I remember how much I love you and then you're ripped away, I won't be able to keep fighting." she finished, "It's too much right now."

Unconsciously, I drew closer, and leaned down so our foreheads were pressed together. She didn't protest, she simply shut her eyes, and let a shaky sigh escape her lips.

"Yes you will," I breathed, "You will... because we're stronger together, I know that now,"

Her eyes instantly snapped open, and she pulled back slightly.

I knew immediately what I shouldn't have said. I was being as selfish as she was brash in my desperation and determination to save her. Just because I had resigned myself to die in her place didn't give me the right to torture her emotionally in such a way. If she reacted even half as strongly as I had to watching her die, I would be torturing her.

"I can't. I'm sorry," she shuddered, before pushing away, and hurrying into the hotel, the door slamming noisily behind her.

From outside the courtyard there came more cries, more sirens.

From inside my heart, the fear and the desperation grew until it drowned out the noise and consumed me.

* * *

**I know, I know, Buffy and Angel are being ridiculously angsty right now... it can't be helped. What does help is throwing Lorne into the mix for some comic relief! ... Right? *sigh*  
Also, I know that Lorne probably wouldn't have a problem with Buffy being in Caritas, but for obvious dialogue reasons I needed her out of the space, but still around to get chased by the horsemen after. Flimsy? Maybe, but I'm not a professional here!**

**Four chapters to go! **

**Please review!**


	25. Chapter 24: Death

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: This is a short chapter, I don't have much to say about it... enjoy!

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Chapter 24: Death

Buffy became like a ghost around the Hyperion after the incident in the courtyard. She patrolled the streets constantly; usually with Gunn by day, and Spike by night, it seemed almost like she didn't sleep.

She avoided conversation with me at all costs, the only time she so much as looked in my direction was before I began training Dawn. Her only words, "Go easy on her," to me, and "Listen, and be careful," to Dawn.

The others had taken notice of her mood, and began to tread carefully around her. They were almost as weary around me.

Spirits were beginning to wane, and I knew there was nothing that could be done about it until the worst hit. Giles and Wesley, with the help of Xander and Anya had exhausted our resources, Willow and Tara had tried every spell they could find with no success; the only one that had worked was a cloaking spell, so at least the Hyperion was safe from looters. Those of us who actually left the hotel were reduced to nothing more than riot control.

Los Angeles had fallen into a shell of it's former self. Businesses had been ransacked, hospitals and clinics were either on lockdown, or had already been raided, and the streets were awash with the sick, the dying, and the mad.

People had even stopped praying. Too many attacks had occurred when demons caught wind of groups of people gathering in churches. Anyone who hadn't lost their minds, hid in their homes and held to the dismal belief that they would wake up from this nightmare soon.

After repeated attacks while the military attempted to deliver supplies, they stopped coming, and it was then that I knew the end was near. Famine and Pestilence had succeeded, while War continued to create chaos outside of the safety of the hotel walls; it wold only be so long before Death reared its ugly head, bringing forth creatures from the darkest corners of Hell at its tail.

Dawn seemed to be using our training sessions as a distraction from the escalating chaos. She was unusually focused, and cooperative; or perhaps she was simply realizing that the chances of her actually having to march out onto the front lines of the battlefield were growing every day.

Faith eventually began to join in when she was around. It seemed once she had exhausted the pent up energy she'd accumulated after the few years of incarceration, that the lack of routine and order she'd began to get accustomed to were wearing heavily on her.

It was a testament to how much she had changed; her former self would have revelled in the anarchy outside, but instead she seemed drawn in by the discipline needed to train a teenager.

I was thankful to have her there, so that Dawn could have someone closer to her own size to spar with. Though she would protest, I always felt that I had to go easy on her, that with our difference in size and strength, that I would hurt her accidentally.

"Hold back, Faith!" I warned, as Dawn managed to narrowly dodge her Bo staff, the weapon whistling by far too close to her ear for my comfort.

"Why? You think anything that's out there roaming the streets right now is gonna take it easy just because she's a kid? It'll probably just make them more eager to jump her!" Faith grunted, taking another swing at Dawn.

"Hey! Not a kid," Dawn retorted, repositioning her staff to block Faith's attack "And also, that's not creepy or perverted at all..." she added sarcastically.

"Purely non-sexual," Faith replied, "I meant it in a more jump-on-you-then-eat-your-entrails kinda way."

Panting heavily, Dawn took a swing at Faith, who expertly managed to block the attack, disarm Dawn, and knock the teenager to the ground in a single move.

"Oh, of course, that makes me feel way more safe!" Dawn scoffed.

"Okay, no one is getting their entrails eaten!" I interrupted, "Faith, how about we call it a day?"

She simply shrugged, and tossed the Bo staff in my direction, "You're the boss," she crossed towards Dawn, and offered her a hand. Dawn took it, and let Faith help pull her back to her feet, "You're getting the hang of it, don't stress," she offered encouragingly, "Besides, it's not like you'll be out there alone, everyone'll have your back."

Dawn smiled weakly in thanks, and Faith disappeared up the stairs. She watched the empty staircase where the Slayer had stood with a frown on her face for a few moments, as I moved towards her. She seemed lost in her thoughts, almost as though she'd forgotten I was there. She snapped back to reality when I crossed in front of her to pick up the discarded Bo staff.

"I guess it's getting pretty hairy out there..." she muttered.

"Ah... well... no... it's..." I turned back towards her after placing the two staffs back into one of the weapons cabinets, she had an incredulous expression on her face, and I realize I was falling back into my old habit of coddling and protecting her. "Yeah. It's escalating pretty quickly."

She nodded cooly, and moved to take a seat on one of the bottom steps, "Is that what's gotten Buffy so on edge?" she asked, "Or is it something else...?"

I turned back to the cabinet, and pretended to be re-arranging its contents, "Isn't this something you should be talking to Buffy about?" I muttered. I had no desire to ruminate over the fact that I was about to sacrifice myself, while Buffy and I were so fractured. I kept trying to convince myself that it didn't matter, that it would be better for her, for me, to not be holding onto any emotional attachments right now. Yet some part of me just refused to accept it.

It had been mere moments before she'd died last time that we'd finally been able to clear the air between us, and it had been terrible, traumatizing, devastating... I couldn't do that to her, not if I wanted her to succeed where I had failed. I knew her too well, and I knew that she would hold herself responsible, that she would regret not giving me a chance to speak.

"Right," Dawn scoffed, "Because she talks so openly about all her problems to me, that she'll definitely be one-hundred-percent honest about anything involving you."

"Who says it has anything to do with me?"

"When else does she get in such a snit?"

"Dawn," I scolded.

"It's true!" she retorted, "I've seen her when she comes back from patrolling; she looks fine until she steps into the lobby, and then I see her look around anxiously to see if you're there... or maybe make sure that you're not... and when you are she looks even more anxious, and when you're not... she just looks disappointed."

I crossed the room towards her, "We shouldn't be having this conversation, let's get back upstairs... maybe you can help Willow and Tara with something."

"I just want you guys to work it out before we all die!" she exclaimed, jumping up off the steps to block my path.

"We're not going to die, Dawn," I reassured her, placing a hand gently on her arm, and trying to push her aside.

She wasn't having any of it, "Everyone else thinks we are," she argued, "I heard Giles and Wesley talking the other night, and they were saying how as long as you two are at odds with each other we may as well just run out into the streets with targets on our backs."

I frowned, "I'm sure that's not what they said."

"Well, I'm paraphrasing, they used a lot of British slang that I can't remember right now..." she grumbled.

I sighed in frustration, if our rift was drawing the attention of the others, then Dawn may have a point, "Dawn, I'm not gonna-"

"Discuss this with me," she interrupted, "I know... nothing new there. It's just... you guys are the fearless leaders, and if you're-"

She was cut off by the door to the basement being flung open noisily, and the sound of someone crashing down the stairs. Gunn stumbled to a halt just in time to avoid bowling Dawn over.

"We need you upstairs, Man, and fast," he panted, then turned and bolted back up the way he came without even looking back to make sure I was following.

Unsure of what was happening, I pushed past Dawn, and took off running after him. I caught sight of him in the lobby, just as he was turning to run up the steps, and chased after him. I could hear the scuffle of Dawn's feet trying to keep up with me, I contemplated telling her to stay back, but figured she'd be less of a sitting duck if she wasn't cornered in the basement.

When I reached the top of the stairs, I found Willow, Tara, and Wesley huddled around someone on the floor, while Xander and Anya looked on, fear apparent on their faces. Gunn was jogging down the hallway towards them. From between Wesley and Tara a could glimpse a foot, encased in a strappy sandal, and I knew exactly what had happened.

"What's going on?" came Dawn's voice from behind me when she finally arrived at the top of the stairs

Ignoring her I sped down the hallway, the others turning at the sound of my footfalls thundering towards them. Willow immediately stood, pulling Tara with her so I could get closer.

"How long has she been like this?" I demanded, kneeling next to Cordelia, who lay crumpled in the hallway, gasping for breath, her eyes rolled back in her head, and twitching as though she were on the verge of a seizure.

"We don't know..." Willow whimpered, "We were heading to our room to get some more supplies for another spell and we found her like this."

"Sh-she was trying to speak when we got to her..." Tara stammered, "But then I think she passed out..."

"This is the worst one yet," Wesley muttered, his eyes wide in terror, his hand supporting the back of her head.

"That we've seen," Gunn interjected, "We all know she's been hiding out in her room most of the time, there's no tellin' how many attacks she's had when no one's been around."

"This isn't normal, they never last this long," I added in a hushed tone as I took her hand.

"Can someone _please_ tell me what the hell is going on?!" Xander finally shouted. I looked up at him, frozen in place, all colour drained from his face.

"She's having a vision," Anya stated, still matter-of-factly despite the evident tension, "She'll be fine," she added in a seeming attempt to comfort her fiancé, however upon turning her attention back to Cordelia, still unconscious on the ground, her brow furrowed, "She _will _be fine, right?"

"Should-should I get anything?" Came Dawn's frightened voice from behind me, when suddenly Cordelia gasped, and her eyes shot open.

"Cordy?" I said softly.

Blindly, she wrenched her hand out of my grip, and tried to scramble to her feet, but in her weakened and disoriented state managed nothing more than to flail helplessly.

"Cordelia stop!" Wesley pleaded, grabbing her hands and forcing her back to the ground.

Slowly, she seemed to regain her senses, and though she still looked around frantically, she seemed to recognize where she was, and whom she was with, "Wha... I... Oh god... Oh god..." shaking, she rested her elbows on her knees and buried her head in her hands.

"What happened?" I pressed gently.

Tears filled her eyes, as she turned to me, "We're too late," she whispered, "They've done it."

She looked past me before she continued to speak, her expression was so pained and defeated, I knew what she'd seen before she spoke to whomever had snuck up the stairs behind me, "They've summoned Death."

I finally turned my attention away from Cordelia, to see whom she was staring at so pleadingly, and discovered Buffy standing at the top of the stairs, Faith and Giles rushing up behind her.

I locked eyes with her for a mere moment, and saw the sheer anxiety that Dawn had been speaking of downstairs, before she turned her attention away to study the others gathered in the hallway, a pensive expression on her face.

"How long do we have? Could you tell?" Wesley asked.

Cordelia began to shake her head, then winced, and raised a hand to her temple, "Not long at all... hours at the most... maybe."

A door swung open at the other end of the hallway, and Spike stumbled out, pulling on a t-shirt, and looking like he'd just rolled out of bed, "What's goin' on out here?"

"Cordelia had a vision," Dawn explained.

Spike was uncharacteristically silent as he looked around at our sombre expressions, "And?" he asked hesitantly.

"It's time," Buffy answered coldly, "We've got a war to fight."

Without so much as another word, she pushed past Giles and Faith and disappeared down the stairs.

"Buffy-" I called out, and made a move to follow her, but Wesley had already begun to help Cordelia back to her feet, and I found one of her arms being flung over my shoulders as she lost her balance again. I brought my attention back to her, and supported her as she pulled herself up off the ground. By the time I turned back to the stairs, Buffy and half of the others had disappeared into the lobby. I could hear the sounds of cabinets and trunks opening, metal clashing together as weapons were pulled out of storage.

My heart sunk as Wesley and I helped Cordelia back to her room; this was the end, and I still hadn't gotten a chance for a proper goodbye.

* * *

**3 to go!**

**Please review! :)**


	26. Chapter 25: Out of Time, Out of Reach

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Here we go - the epic battle sequence. I really don't think I'm very good at writing action sequences, I hope this doesn't disappoint! I tried my best to re-read it a zillion times and make sure the pacing was alright and that all the good stuff didn't end too fast... Yikes do I hope I succeeded!

So here we are - does Buffy live, or will you all hate me in a few minutes?

* * *

Chapter 25: Out of Time, Out of Reach

Tense, nervous energy was crackling through the air by the time Wesley and I had gotten Cordelia settled back in her room and made it downstairs.

Scanning the lobby, everyone seemed deeply concentrated in their tasks, as though by focusing on the mundane, the complete hopelessness of our situation would fade away.

In the corner, out of the way from everyone else, Willow and Tara sat indian-style, facing each other with their eyes closed. One could only assume they were summoning energy for the battle. Faith and Gunn stood with Xander and Dawn, giving them pointers on how to use the battle axe's clutched tightly in their almost-trembling hands. Anya and Giles had abandoned their books, to look over the state of the other weapons in the cabinets, and Spike sat on an armchair, his feet up on the coffee table as he sharpened a stake nonchalantly with a pocket knife.

Buffy was nowhere to be seen.

Wesley immediately crossed to begin to help Giles and Anya, while panic began to rise inside my chest, "Where's Buffy?" I asked, stepping into the centre of the Lobby.

"Down in the basement," Spike muttered, "Seein' if there's anythin' worth taking down there."

I scowled down at him. While the others seemed downright sombre, terrified, Spike looked as though he were simply preparing for a routine patrol through the cemetery. "You might need something bigger than a stake, Spike."

He peered up at me, an eyebrow cocked, before cooly drawing his attention back to his crudely sharpened weapon, "I think the others have the heavy artillery covered."

"You really think that's gonna do any damage?" I pressed.

"You really think I need a weapon to do any damage?" he scoffed.

The anger and frustration he so easily triggered in me began to boil to the surface again, "We're not in Sunnydale anymore, this is a lot bigger than anything you've faced."

"I know," he replied calmly.

I suppressed a growl, "Why are you even here Spike?"

He lowered the stake, and finally looked up at me, "You think I want the world to end, what with the state I'm in?" he asked, pointing at his head, "Lot of good it'll do me..." he glanced behind him, to where Faith was still helping Dawn with her battle stance, "Besides... I'm kinda fond of the Li'l Bit... someone needs to have her back out there while the rest of you save the world."

I snorted, "How noble of you," and moved to turn away.

"She doesn't want me, you know," he called just as I turned to leave. With an unnecessary sigh I turned back to him, to find him smirking mockingly at me. "Well she doesn't... never did. Whatever was going on between us ended when... well," he chucked, "You were there, you know. I think she just puts up with me now out of guilt, or pity, or what have you."

I studied him silently, wearily. I couldn't tell if he was mocking me, or if this was an attempt to smooth things over temporarily.

"So? You gonna stand there bristlin' at me, or are you gonna go down there and kiss and make up before the world implodes?"

Without so much as another word, I turned away from him and stalked towards the basement. I could hear Spike chuckling softly behind me, but I didn't turn back. Winding my way down the stairs, I found Buffy standing in front of the weapons cabinet, her back to me as she studied an ornate samurai sword. She stiffened, and I could tell she knew I was there.

"Why are you hiding all the good stuff down here?" she asked flippantly the tone of her voice creeping up ever so slightly.

"Would you want Cordelia or Wesley using your good weapons?" I chided, hoping to ease the tension.

She cracked a slight grin, "I thought they were changed people."

"Doesn't mean they're any better at armed combat."

With a sad smile, she turned back to the cabinet to replace the sword, picking out a large Byzantine battle axe instead, and giving it a test swing. "Speaking of Cordy, how's she doing?"

"She's... in pain," I sighed, "But she's tough."

She nodded, and continued to peruse the array of weapons before her. I watched her quietly for quite a while, and she simply went on pretending I wasn't there.

"So it looks like this is it," I said softly.

"Yeah..." she muttered.

We both fell silent again. The tension in the air was so heavy it was crushing me.

"Something you wanted to say?" She finally asked, turning back towards me.

"Actually, yeah -"

"Well don't," she pleaded, "Not now, not before all this."

I took a step towards her, and she unconsciously tightened her grip on the handle of the axe. Under any other circumstances I would have found it amusing, "There may not be another chance, Buffy."

"Nice to see you have so much faith," she scoffed.

"I do have faith," I answered, "But I also know that there's a good chance that we could fail... or come out of this as different people than we were when we went in... so just let me say what I need to say."

She screwed her eyes shut, "Please, Angel, I don't have the strength for this right now!"

"Yes you do," I protested, "You always do... it's one of the things that makes me love you; the fact that no matter what, even if you think in the moment it's not there, you always have strength. You always push through, and keep going, no matter how much I know you really just wish you could lay down and give up."

She averted her eyes to the ground, and began chewing on her lower lip as though the physical pain would distract her from the emotional kind.

"I know what you've been dealing with... I don't understand it, and I don't know how to help you; I wish I did, but I don't. But what I do know is that you'll get through this. I believe in you."

She finally looked back up to me with glassy eyes, "I-"

She was cut off by a low rumbling filling the air, and the ground beneath our feet began to shake violently. Unsuspecting, we both lost our balance, and out of pure instinct we reached out to steady each other. With my hands around her waist, and hers resting on my upper arms, we glanced around frantically as the old building groaned in protest to the violent tremors. Cries of alarm could be heard from the Lobby above us, until just as suddenly as it began, the earthquake stopped.

Unmoving, we remained in the middle of the room in silence, waiting to make sure another tremor wasn't on the way. When I finally turned my attention back to Buffy, she was studying me silently.

"Why does it feel like you're saying goodbye?" she asked quietly, fear apparent on her face for the first time since this all began.

My will crumbled; I was tired of the lies, and the stress of being so close to the point where I had lost her last time, I couldn't take it anymore. If I was going to do what I knew now I needed to do, I would go down with her knowing the truth.

"Because I might be..." I murmured. I could see panic and confusion rising in her eyes, and I subconsciously tightened my grip around her waist, "Just hear me out... it's going to sound crazy, but I swear every word is true-"

The door swung open at the top of the stairs, "Angel?! Buffy?! We need you up here!" Wesley shouted down, pulling us out of the moment.

My arms slid from around Buffy's waist, the concerned look on her face growing with each step I took further away from her, "We're coming," I called, casting one last glance back at her, asking her silently to follow me.

Steeling herself, she nodded, and together we trudged back up to the Lobby to discover everyone gathered around Cordelia and Wesley, who seemed to be standing off against each other. Wesley's arms were crossed tightly over his chest, and Cordelia had one of her hands perched on her hip, while in the other she clutched a sword.

"You're in no state to fight, Cordelia, you'll be more of a liability than an asset," Wesley argued.

"I can fight. I'll be fine!" she rebutted, turning the hilt of the sword in her hand.

Wesley turned towards me with an exasperated sigh, "Angel, I cannot allow her out on the battlefield, it's too risky!"

"If kicking ass out there is the only way to get these skull-splitting visions out of my head, then I'm going out there and kicking some ass!" Cordelia shouted, turning towards me, "And not you, or Wesley is going to stop me."

I frowned, "What if you get another vision while you're out there?"

"Then I'm toast," she chuckled darkly, "But at least I can say I tried."

"Cordy, I-"

"You know you're not going to change my mind, so just stop," she interrupted.

I shook my head at her, then turned back to Wesley, "We're going to need everyone we have out there, Wes,"

He scowled at me, and with a panicked and terrified expression on his face he turned back to Cordelia, "If you die, I'll kill you," he muttered.

She grinned wryly, "One step ahead of you, Wes."

Almost on cue, as though to prevent us from lightening the mood, another earthquake began, this time with a deafening crack, and a cacophony of screams from out in the streets.

Buffy moved away from the group, and began to cross towards the doors, "I think that's our cue," she shouted over the rumble, "Are we ready?"

In near-perfect synchronization, the entire group picked up their weapons and began to move towards her. She stepped up onto the front steps, and turned back towards us.

"This is the big one, guys, the one we may not be able to win..." she began, "But it doesn't matter, because we're going to fight like hell, and no matter what happens, we're all getting out alive," as she spoke the last sentence, her eyes locked with mine, and my heart sunk knowing that she didn't know the truth; that she was completely unaware that she would get out of this alive, but at a cost. Nevertheless, I nodded reassuringly, and watched as she turned away, and charged out the doors of the Hyperion into the chaos outside.

The rest of us followed suit, our weapons high, ready to fight. Not a single one, save for myself, having any clue what they were about to discover out in the streets of the former City of Angels.

~0~

The panic and destruction that we were met by upon leaving the sanctuary of the Hyperion's walls, for some for the first time in months, was more than even Buffy herself had anticipated. She almost immediately slowed her pace, the air still hanging thick with dust and smoke from the buildings that had collapsed in the tremors. Through the haze the streets were littered with bodies, but there was no time to stop and assess if they were dead or simply injured. Peering behind me, I found Dawn clinging to Spike, and most of the others looking shell-shocked.

Cries of the survivors echoed around us, along with the groans of the structures that were still standing, but threatening to fall at any moment.

Digging into memories I had tried so desperately to bury over the past one hundred years, I found my bearings, and stepped past Buffy to the front of the group, "This way," I muttered, leading the clan towards the coastline. We'd gone no further than a few blocks when I could see it up ahead; the break, the downward drop where the Pacific ocean now raged angrily against the rubble that used to be city and coastline.

"Oh my god..." Willow murmured, "It's gone... it's all gone."

"Not all of it," Buffy replied, "Not yet."

The ground began to shake again, and the earth beneath our feet began to crumble.

"Back! Get back!" I bellowed, and was suddenly caught in a mass of limbs as we all struggled to pull each other back onto more stable land.

"Perhaps we should retreat a few blocks more," Wesley suggested, "It will give us more time to relocate in the event of another quake."

"I don't think we have time for that," Faith muttered.

I spun around to face her, to discover her staring wearily up the newly formed coastline. Turning in the same direction, a chill spread through my body as my eyes landed upon a group of shadows slowly approaching us.

Though they were merely silhouetted through the dust and smoke, I could clearly make out the shape of three horses, mounted by three riders.

As they drew closer, through the soot and ash, the colours became more clear; the middle one black, and the two that flanked it, red and white. The horses snorted menacingly, swinging their heads as they trotted purposefully towards us, while the riders sat eerily still and motionless on their mounts. As they drew closer they slowed to a halt, the riders seemingly bearing down at us, though their faces were hidden behind their armoured helmets. None of us made a move, we simply stood in place, our grips tightening around our weapons.

"There's only three..." came Dawn's hushed voice from the back of the group.

"Shhhh," Willow warned quietly, as she wrapped her arm around Dawn's shoulders and pulled her closer to her side.

As suddenly as she mentioned it, an uneasy silence fell over the newly formed cliffs, like a veritable calm before the storm. In the quiet, the sound of hooves beating slowly and steadily over the pavement began to crescendo, growing louder, and louder through the mist until a shape emerged in the fog, one of a sickly thin and sallow horse carrying a rider shrouded in robes that were billowing in the now howling wind.

Famine and War parted, and between them strode Death, his scythe ever still clutched in his hand, his horse's onyx-black eyes bearing holes into us.

Beside me, Buffy shifted on the balls of her feet, and raised her axe in her hands. This drew Death's attention, and I could feel my undead heart jump into my throat as his hooded head turned in her direction. Though his face was indiscernible underneath the dark hollow of his hood, he seemed to be considering her, sizing her up; deciding what would be the quickest way to dispatch of her.

Buffy returned his veiled gaze without wavering. Her stance was strong, her expression stony and determined. She had stared death in the face before – what did it matter to her if this time it was personified?

I could hear nothing from the others except for short, laboured breaths. I didn't dare look behind me to see how they were holding up, I couldn't take my eyes off Buffy; for fear that the moment I did she would be taken from me again, for fear that even the smallest amount of movement would unleash the veritable flood of horrors that was bound to come bursting out of the ground like hornets out of a disturbed nest.

We stood there, in the barren street for what felt like an eternity, while fear and adrenaline gnawed at my insides, until finally, almost as though in slow motion, Death raised his scythe high above his head, and yanked on his horse's reins. As the horse rose on its hind quarters, and let out a blood-curdling bray, the ground began to groan again, and began to shake harder and harder, until we could barely keep our balance.

Almost unable to find my footing, I stumbled backwards, grabbing hold of whomever I could and dragging them back with me, and away from the Horsemen poised for battle in front of us.

Just as suddenly has it began, the quake stopped, throwing everyone to the ground with the abruptness, and Death wasted no time taking advantage of our sudden disorientation by thrusting his scythe forward, and silently commanding his fellow riders to charge. Behind him, the sounds of inhuman wails and screams of terror cut through the haze, and I knew that at any moment, we would be overtaken by a swarm of demons from depths and dimensions of Hell that were not even imaginable.

Despite what I knew was about to erupt around us, my attention remained focused on Buffy, who was pulling herself back to her feet as Death charged mercilessly towards her. The demons and Hell-beasts could wait; I had but one mission this time around, and I was not about to fail. Sprinting full force, I reached Buffy just as she had turned towards Death and readied her weapon for an attack. She didn't even see me coming, as I used all my momentum to throw her out of her attacker's path, and swung my sword to block his scythe as it came crashing down where she had just a few moments ago stood. I didn't even turn to gauge her reaction to my interference in her battle, before charging after Death's horse, pushing myself to my limits to keep up as it galloped further, and further along the jagged cliffs. My legs worked so furiously I felt as though they would give up at any given moment, but I pushed forward, determined not to let Death out of my sight for even a second. I would either find a way to defeat him, or I would die trying, but I would not let him anywhere near Buffy this time around. I would chase him to the edge of the city if I had to.

My pursuit drew on, and I was grateful for the vampire strength and stamina, I was sure any human's legs would be burning by now; but my determination had given me tunnel vision, and I was unprepared when the sting of a whip came cracking down over my back, causing me to lose my footing. I was sent tumbling to the ground, losing sight of my target as I slammed to the now jagged pavement, the world spinning around me.

When I'd finally slowed enough to gain my bearings, and try to push myself back to my feet, Death was nowhere to be found, and I had barely enough time to roll out of the way before Famine's horse attempted to trample me, its hooves thundering dangerously close to my ear. He had barely retreated before he turned the animal again, and was charging back towards me. I grappled for my sword, which had slid a few feet away in my fall, but another _crack_ filled the air before I had it in hand, and the white-hot agony of the whip seared across my side again. I fell to my knees, and gritting through the pain I lunged forward for my weapon, turning just in time to raise it, and have the end of the whip wrap itself around the blade. With my other hand I grabbed the rope, and with all my strength I pulled, Famine was unprepared, and instead of merely letting go, he fell from the steed in a loud clash of armour as he hit the ground.

In a blur, I yanked my sword free from the whip, and grabbed the reins of the inky black horse, that had doubled back whinnying and swinging its head in confusion. I hoisted myself onto his back and attempted to urge it forward; it obeyed momentarily, and galloped a few feet before it slowed and I cracked the reins in hope of pressing him onwards, praying to catch sight of Death, and actually be able to match his speed, but he animal merely reared up, braying angrily, over and over again until I was knocked from the saddle. It charged away, in search of its proper rider, and I rose again to frantically survey my surroundings.

I was closer to the rest of the group again, they were not too far off, battling tooth and nail against all manner of beasts. Those who were not seasoned fighters had paired off, and were watching each others' backs as they attempted to hack their way through the onslaught of demons.

It seemed that most of the creatures were oblivious to the small group attempting to defend themselves, the majority were mindless, bloodthirsty, and had taken to chasing after those that had not been killed in the earthquakes, their screams and cries for help drowned out by the roaring beasts, gleefully destroying everything in their paths.

Buffy had cut her way through the chaos, and from where she stood her eyes locked on mine. With a forceful swing of her axe, the demon she fought fell, and she continued to charge through the frenzied creatures in my direction.

I froze, the gears in my head spinning out of control as I wrestled with my next move – to properly protect Buffy from Death, I would have no choice to stay close - however to keep her close could potentially increase the chances of a slip-up. If she tried to intervene, if Death got the upper-hand, I may not have enough time to save her.

Sweeping my eyes over the city-turned-battlefield once more, and seeing Death nowhere in sight, I moved to meet her. Without a word, we turned to stand back to back, and began to fend off the demons that seemed to suddenly be charging towards us from all directions. The monstrosities were just as I remembered them – larger than anything that had previously walked the earth; twice as horned, sharper clawed, scaled, calloused, more bloodthirsty and more crazed. I could feel the panic begin to overtake me as I suddenly reeled with memories of my decades wandering, hiding from these abominations. I struggled to regain focus, to harness the anxiety and use it to fuel my determination. They would not win this time, I couldn't let them.

I took a moment as I drove my sword into a charging demon to glance around for the others; Willow and Tara seemed to be faring the best. Holding hands, they stood incased in a shimmering white bubble; Tara with her eyes closed, her lips moving as she incanted the spell I could only assume was sustaining the magical shield around them. Willow stood at her side shouting wildly in latin, clasping Tara's hand tightly with her left while she held her right out in front of her as it arced with white-hot energy that sent the demons hurdling backwards through the air as soon as it was aimed towards them.

The others had taken it upon themselves to barrel after Willow's victims, taking them out while weakened and disoriented. Xander and Anya darted through the carnage, working together to take down each demon as they came across them, and each stopping to pull the other along when they faltered. I couldn't help but be slightly impressed at their focus and determination, I knew from the journey we'd endured together that they had it in them, it relieved me to see it start to manifest so soon.

Searching for Cordelia, I was relieved to find her still standing. Both Wesley and Giles hung close by, and they seemed to be keeping an eye on her as much as they were looking out for the next attack. Cordelia's face was screwed up in pain, and there was an almost imperceptible shimmer of tears in her eyes as she charged towards their next target, still trying to gain its bearings from Willow's attack. She opened her mouth in a scream that was lost amongst the pandemonium, as she raised her axe above her head, and brought it down right into the skull of the creature she had charged.

I had lost sight of Gunn and Faith, but I prayed I didn't need to worry, they could both take care of themselves.

A few random citizens had taken notice of our battle, and had joined with us in an attempt to fend off the so-called monsters. However with no understanding of what they were facing, and armed with nothing more than fallen rocks and other debris that had lined the streets, the hell-beasts made quick work of them, and their chilling roars became louder, and louder the more blood was spilled.

"Run you bloody fools!" I could barely hear Spike growl over the din, "No one's asking you to be a hero!"

Turning I found him and Dawn attempting to fight back some sort of hound-like creature as it gnashed and clawed at a civilian. After a few misses, Dawn finally managed to lance her sword through the beasts eye, but not before it had lunged and clamped its massive jaw down on the man's throat. As the demon crumpled to the ground, so did the man, blood spurting from the torn artery, spraying across Dawn's face. She froze and her complexion grew ashen as she watched the man bleed out on the pavement. While I'd taught her to fight, I'd forgotten to prepare her for the gruesome reality of battle. Shell-shocked, her guard had dropped, and Spike pushed her out of the way just as another hound lunged towards her.

"Head in the game, Dawnie! Or you'll be joinin' our mate on the ground there!" he shouted, snapping the teen out of her daze. Still shaken, she tightened her grip on her weapon and readied it for the next attack.

Buffy was focused as ever, her face a mask of determination as her axe clashed against claws and horns without as much as a breath's pause between her victims. I assumed she was as relieved as I was that Dawn was being looked out for, and felt that she could focus more completely on fighting back the hoards without Dawn's safety weighing on her conscience.

Buffy's concentration did not put me at ease, however. I knew it would only get her so far, that before this battle was through it would cause her downfall when she would finally turn to meet the demon that would steal her focus so completely that Death could finally gain the upper hand. She began to move away, as a herd of fast-moving reptilian-like creatures began to swarm her, and that was when the next earthquake hit.

This time, the tremor seemed slow, and deliberate, as though the earth was letting out a death rattle. The groan of the weakened buildings was low and deep, it reverberated and echoed with the bellows of revelling demons, and further drowned out any sounds the remaining humans made.

"Angel!" Dawn's high-pitched cry cut like glass through the sounds of battle.

I whipped around, and found Spike had been jumped by another herd of the demons Buffy had been fighting mere moments ago. All of his focus was dedicated to ripping them of him as they lunged again and again. Meanwhile a spindly demon with long, jagged claws was edging towards Dawn, swiping at her with each step, its claws whistling through the air. In panic, Dawn was barely managing to block half of its attacks, and just barely dodging the rest.

Without a moment's hesitation, I sprinted to her side, catching the demon's claws with the edge of my blade as it once again narrowly missed slicing through Dawn.

"Go help Spike," I ordered, stepping in front of her, and thrusting my weapon at the demon. Dawn rushed off, and out of the corner of my eye I could see her skewering the reptiles, giving Spike the upper hand, and enough time to get back to his feet.

The clawed creature was angered by my intervention with his easy prey, and had begun to slash at me furiously. I countered each attack, and had begun to force him backwards, when the ground began to shake again, this time more aggressively. Losing my balance, the demon managed to make contact with my upper arm, tearing through my duster, slicing open the skin. With a grunt I stumbled back, causing the demon to leap at me with a shriek. Ducking underneath his outstretched arms, I slammed my sword through his midsection, and using the momentum of his attack, threw him over my shoulder. He slid off the blade, landing in a crumpled heap behind me, when a whistling noise above my head caught my attention. Looking up, I barely had time to dive out of the way as a large piece of stone from the side of a building came crashing to the ground where I had just stood.

Scrambling back to my feet, I caught sight of Buffy again – fighting valiantly with a demon four times her size.

My insides hollowed out, as I watched its massive fists swing at her again, and again. Each time she expertly ducked and dodged out of the way.

The fist connected with the streetlamp – it buckled, slammed to the ground. She stepped over it, focused on taking the creature down.

It was happening.

The throbbing pain in my arm was forgotten as I began to rush towards her, I would make it this time, I would be there to save her.

The arms wrapped around my waist, knocking me to the ground.

I rolled over to face the yellowish slime-covered creature and immediately thrust my open palm into its chin, stunning it, and giving me enough time to scramble to my feet.

The street went silent, the fog began to seep back between the buildings, but it went unnoticed by Buffy and the others as they continued to take down the remaining demons.

A hand clasped around my arm, and I span around to catch the fist of the demon, just as the sound of galloping hooves filled the air.

"No..." I gasped, as the demon knocked my sword from my hand, and gnashed its teeth at me. Grappling with it, I glanced back to Buffy once more, still locked in battle with the demon. My attacker's hand clawed at the wound in my arm, sending ribbons of pain down into my hand, as the sound of hooves grew louder and louder. Gritting my teeth together I managed to wrap my hands around it's chin, and snapping its head quickly to the side, it fell, and lay still at my feet.

Spinning quickly, I turned just in time to see Death charge out of the mist, his steed galloping at full speed towards Buffy as he raised his scythe to attack.

"BUFFY!" I shouted, as I began to run wildly towards her.

She didn't even acknowledge my voice, she simply continued to hack at the giant. Her axe caught in its thick flesh, and she struggled to pull it free.

"BUFFY!" I cried again. Death drew closer, and closer.

The world seemed to slow down as she pulled her axe pulled free, and struck another blow. The demon roared in anger and swatted at her. It made contact with her ribs and sent her stumbling sideways, but still she did not see Death's approach.

The echoing hoofbeats were all I could hear now as I sped towards her, so loud that they reverberated through me, throbbing like a heartbeat.

Buffy recovered from the blow, and swung her axe one last time, landing it dead-centre in the demon's chest, stopping it mid-bellow as it dropped like a stone. She stood over her fallen foe, catching her breath, taking a moment to enjoy the small victory in the hopeless chaos.

It was a moment too long, a moment that couldn't be spared.

In blind desperation I felt almost as though I were gasping for breath, and reached out for her as Death's horse continued to thunder towards us. I grabbed her by the shoulders just as a haunting bray cut through the silence behind us, and barely a second after I threw her aside, an icy cold pain ripped through the centre of my abdomen as Death's scythe tore right through me, then was ripped out twice as roughly; my assailant angry that he had missed his target.

Death galloped on, and moments later vanished. He didn't double back to try for another blow.

Had I done it?

"ANGEL!"

Buffy's voice sounded warped, far away, and there was a ringing in my ears I couldn't seem to shake.

I exhaled, the pain was excruciating and caused me to fall to my knees. I tried to suck in another breath, but it caught in my throat as an sharp and blinding pain rippled through my lungs. I crumpled to the ground as panic and confusion crashed down over me.

Why was I trying to breathe? Why did I feel like I needed to breathe?

"Angel! Angel?!" Buffy was at my side, rolling me gently onto my back, "Angel can you hear me?" her voice was still muffled, still so far away, she was staring at my wound with a panicked and mystified expression. "You're bleeding so much..." it sounded like she whispered, but the ringing was growing louder, drowning out all other sounds.

Her hands pressed down over the wound, and just as her eyes grew wider in shock and horror – I knew. Under the pressure of her palms I could feel it; my heart beating steadily, pumping the blood out of my body, through her fingers, the rhythm slowing, growing weaker with each passing moment.

Through the dizzying pain I could do nothing more than cough a chuckle. My mind reeled at the injustice – I was alive – breathing, my heart beating; and all it was doing was dragging me back to my grave while the one I had sworn to protect would stand over me and watch my life be extinguished. No spontaneous combustion, no quick disintegration into dust. Just mind-numbing pain, this uncomfortable chill, and the haze that was beginning to envelop my mind.

The edges of my vision began to darken.

"Oh god... oh god..." she mouthed, and I could feel her press down harder on my abdomen. She looked up and began to frantically search our surroundings, then her mouth opened into a scream.

"Buffy..." I lifted my arm to reach out for her, it felt like lead.

"Shhhh..." I think she said, taking my hand in one of her own – it glistened with wet sticky blood, but it didn't seem to phase her as she pressed my fingers gently to her lips.

"Buffy..." I croaked again. I could feel my strength waning, and it was taking everything I had in me to fight the darkness that threatened to swallow her face.

"You'll be okay... you'll be okay... please..." it was a struggle to read her lips as she clutched my arm to her chest. She was so warm, and my fingers were going numb.

A figure rushed to her side, and peered over her shoulder down at me, I think it may have been Wesley... my vision started to fade, so I turned my eyes back to her, to my light, before I slipped away. Tears ran down her cheeks, creating tracks in the dirt, and blood, and ash that was smudged across her usually radiant skin. I think she said my name again... she reached out to touch my face.

I tried to squeeze her hand, it took too much effort, "You're alive..." I gasped.

And the world went dark.

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**Until next week.**

**Please review.**


	27. Chapter 26: What Was Meant To Be

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Sorry for the cliffhanger, lovely readers! It's just... dramatic tension is so delicious, I can't help myself! Anyway, hopefully this will keep you all from hyperventilating. Enjoy!

June 18: Don't get excited folks, I just caught a few (eep!) spelling errors that I'm fixing!

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Chapter 26: What Was Meant To Be

A sudden, and blinding flash of white light shocked me back to my senses. With a gasp, I opened my eyes, and squinting against the brightness, I lifted my hands to shield them from the glare. It would have been too intense for a regular being, let alone one who had spent centuries living in the shadows.

Disoriented, and blinded, I tried to scramble to my feet, too concerned for my safety, the possibility of an attack, to fully realize that the pain through my middle had subsided, or that I was breathing heavily as I turned to search the white-washed plane of nothingness I had awoken on.

"Welcome, Warrior..." came a soothing, disembodied female voice. It was not loud, nor did it echo, but it seemed to fill the entire space.

"Who's there?" I called, peering through the white-glow that encompassed me. I lifted a hand to my chest, the wound had disappeared, and my heart beat strong and steady underneath it.

"We are those you have come to call The Powers That Be," a masculine voice replied.

"We are that which governs your plane of existence, that has decided all that was, and all that will ever be..." a second female voice continued.

Silence. I span around in the white-washed space, squinting through the light, attempting to find a figure hidden in the glare. No one appeared. "Why am I here?" I asked.

"We wish to thank you," the male voice responded.

"You have done well, Warrior," said the first female, "The Chosen one was spared."

Amidst the confusion, a wave of relief washed over me, "So she survived?"

"She lives though this battle, yes." she confirmed.

My interactions with The Oracles made me weary of their wording, I couldn't help the suspicion that crawled up inside me, "_This _battle?" I repeated.

"Those who have been set in motion to bring about the end, the four Riders, though they have been held at bay, they have not been defeated," the second female explained.

"The chaos may still spread," the first female added.

"But Buffy lives, doesn't she have the power to stop them?" I questioned.

"It is uncertain," the male replied, "The course of time is murky, the tides may still change again."

"I don't understand," I began. Perhaps it was the shock of everything that had just occurred; the stress of battle, the adrenaline rush as I almost missed my second chance to save Buffy's life, the bewilderment as I was suddenly alive again, and dying at the same time... was Buffy still in danger? Would she now have to lead her loved ones through the wasteland, watching them die one by one along the way? "Why was I sent back if my actions won't change anything?"

"We are not omnipotent beings, Warrior," the second female replied, "We have no control over the course of events on your plane of existence. We may choose the possible outcomes, and influence those involved to take the path we feel must be followed; but ultimately, it is up to the humans, it is the choices they make which determine their fate."

"So she still may die?" I growled. I felt heat rising in my face and my palms were getting sweaty. It was strange after so many centuries of not feeling any physical affects of anger.

"All will die eventually," the male answered, "Her actions now will be what determines how soon that will be."

Red flashed before my eyes, and I knew had I still been a vampire that my face would have morphed. I felt the impulse to snarl, but no noise rumbled in my chest; it was liberating, and frustrating at the same time. I was free of the demon, yet, part of me wished I could show these beings how enraged I was. I felt like I had been subjected to a century long game of cat and mouse. I had just been a pawn in a game of chess that they had never been certain they would win. "Why bother with all this then?!" I spat, "Why ask this of me if it was never going to make any difference?!"

"Because it was written," the first female replied.

I stood there, in the blinding nothingness silently, unsure of what she meant.

"The Shanshu Prophecy, Warrior," she explained.

"I thought that said I was supposed to live," I snapped.

"As your friend discovered, the word means both to live and to die," said the male.

I chuckled sardonically, "And I just did both... all at once..."

"You fulfilled your destiny." the second female stated, "We thought you would be thankful to finally receive your reward and be given a chance to rest."

I sighed in frustration, my fists clenched tightly at my sides, "I... I'm not," I gritted, "I'm sorry but I'm not."

"Explain yourself, Warrior," the male inquired.

"I did what you asked of me, I saved the one you claimed held the key to stopping what is happening there right now... I risked re-living the deaths of everyone I care about with the hope that this destruction could be prevented a second time around. I won't rest knowing that it could all have been in vain, that she'll die anyway!"

"The Earth had fallen too far out of our grasp," the first female replied, "Your mission was the only way we could regain any control, recreate any possible paths where it could be saved. We never gave you any guarantees."

"Then I want you to send me back," I demanded, "If she still may die, then I haven't really succeeded, send me back."

"I'm afraid we cannot indulge you, Warrior," the male said, "Your task was to prevent her from being defeated in this battle, and you have. Our terms have been met."

"If she's so important to you, to the fate of the world, then let me protect her!"

"Your presence in her life has complicated matters enough," the first female interjected, "You were never supposed to fall in love. Your relationship drastically changed much of what was to come."

"But how can that be?" I asked, turning in the blinding vacuum of time and space, "If the only possibilities for the future are ones that you create, then how can it be that we fell in love when we weren't meant to? It had to have always been a possibility."

There was a moment of silence, and I worried I had been left alone in this barren place.

"It was not... the _desired_ outcome." the first female finally replied, "We knew of your existence from the Prophecy, we saw the potential importance the Chosen One had in saving your Earth. We saw a potential future where you came together as warriors to defeat what lies beneath."

"That future can still exist – just send me back! Turn be back into what I was and send me back!" I argued. I was beginning to feel desperate. Arguing with Higher Beings seemed about as productive as arguing with a brick wall, but I had to. I had spent centuries repenting for my actions, centuries fighting and trying to survive after all life had been wiped out, how could I rest now knowing the possibility that the cycle would start again still existed.

"What is done cannot be undone, Warrior, you know that," the male replied.

"Yes it can!" I snapped, "If we're having this conversation then it means there is a future that I'm in, fighting. I can guarantee you that it will be the one with the best chance of survival."

"You are outside of our realm of influence in this place, Warrior," the first female explained, "What occurs here has no bearing on your plane of existence."

"... There is a way..." the second female said finally, her voice was softer, almost hesitant.

"Tell me," I pleaded.

"We cannot return you to your past form. The demon is gone, and shall remain so," she explained, "But your flesh... your human body remains."

My stomach sunk. Perhaps it was hopeless; as a human I would be no help to Buffy, or to this fight, I would just be another burden for her to protect. "I can't fight this way."

"What you suggest has not been woven into the fabric of time," the first female said to the second, "This was not part of the bargain."

"But I see it," the second replied, "As I focus on it, the waters begin to clear. If we allow this, his world may stand a chance."

"How?" I asked, "If I'm human, how can I help stop what's coming? What this may escalate into?"

"I cannot answer until the others are able to see..." the second female said.

There was another brief, nerve-wracking silence.

"You wish to set this in motion?" the male asked.

"We left him to suffer for a century so that he would be able to return and stop that path from being taken. I do not feel that it is too much to give him in return." the second female replied.

"The alternatives are catastrophic," the first female warned.

"No worse than that which has already come to pass, that which we have already avoided by saving the Chosen One."

"The other alternatives are safer... more logical choices..." suggested the male.

"We took a risk with this Warrior, and he succeeded did he not? Logic does not always reign in his world."

"Tell me what I can do..." I begged. Pain surged behind my eyes from squinting in the light, I'd had enough of their hypothetical banter, I needed to know my fate.

"We endow you with the same strength as the Chose One. You will remain human, but you may help her fight, if that is what you desire." the second female explained.

"You're not concerned about us being together?" I asked wryly.

"As we have stated, we have no control over human desires," the male replied.

"Yours will be a difficult path, should you choose this," the first female continued, "There will be much pain and suffering in the event that you or she falls a second time."

Swallowing hard, I knew I didn't need any time to come to a decision, "I will never let anything happen to her."

"As you wish," the male sighed.

"Good luck, Warrior," the second female said.

And the space was swallowed by darkness.

~0~

When I came to the only thing I felt was a dull throbbing pain that seemed to pulse through every inch of my body with every beat of my heart. I groaned, but was almost instantly enthralled by the feeling. With my eyes still closed I focused on it. On the tightness in my chest every time I took a breath, on the stiffness that I could feel in all my joints even without moving.

I would have had to have been hit by a bus as a vampire to feel this terrible.

Shifting my focus to my surroundings, I could hear a steady electronic beeping coming from somewhere on my right hand side, and something was clamped over my index finger. There was a warmth hitting my face, and I opened my eyes to once again squint into sunlight. This time, however, it was not blinding and overpowering, it gently spilled into what looked like a hospital room from an open window. I lifted a hand to rub it over my face, and after feeling a strange tug discovered a needle and tube imbedded in the back of my hand.

"Goodmornin' Sunshine," came an unfamiliar voice at my right side.

I turned my head slowly to find a doctor standing next to the beeping machine, a clipboard and pen in her hands as she studied me with a mystified expression in her cat-like eyes before averting her attention back to writing notes on her clipboard.

"Where am I?" I asked hoarsely.

"Sunnydale General," the doctor answered in almost an incredulous tone. She looked up briefly and smirked before she continued, "My thoughts exactly," I supposed I had just as incredulous of an expression on my face, "If you want to know how on earth you got here with enough time to save you, you'll have to ask this one." her eyes drifted over to the other side of my bed, and she nodded her head in the same direction. Stiffly I turned to look beside me, and found Buffy curled up into an impossible position, fast asleep, in a chair beside my bed. Her hair was evidently unwashed, pulled up in a messy ponytail. A healing bruise, green and yellow, marred the side of her jaw, and the knuckles on the hand I could see, curled up under her chin, were raw and scabbing over.

"She hasn't left that chair since you got out of surgery," the doctor added.

I turned back to the open window, there wasn't much of a view from where I lay, but the warmth seemed to distract me from the pulsating pain. How on earth had we gotten to Sunnydale? Were the others safe as well?

"She wouldn't let anyone close the shades... is the light bothering you?" the doctor's voice shook me out of my reverie.

"No..." I replied hastily, before noting the strange look on her face, and realizing how strange it would be for a regular human male to seem so desperate to see the sun, "I've been in the dark for awhile... it's nice," I attempted to joke.

"Good," she answered, digging a hand into her pocket, "In that case..." she pulled out a small pen light, and stepping closer shined it directly into one pupil, then the other. She then nodded, satisfied, and continued to scrawl across the clipboard.

"How long have I been out?" I asked.

"A couple days," she stated, "I'd say it's a miracle that you're awake already considering you were legally dead on the operating table for about a minute... but nothing about you has made sense since you were dragged in here."

"Were there other's with her?" I asked, looking back to Buffy. How did we get out of the battle alive?

The doctor shot me an inquisitive look, one perfect black eyebrow arching over golden-brown eyes, "Yeah, a bunch. But they're sane, unlike your girlfriend, and go home to rest."

I attempted to nod, my neck was stiff. I would have to ask Buffy if everyone was alright when she woke up, it seemed like I'd made quite an entrance here.

The doctor's words finally registered in my mind, "Oh – she's not... we're not... it's not like that," I stammered.

"You sure about that?" the doctor scoffed, "Because in my experience, someone doesn't sleep two nights in a row in a chair by someone's bedside if there aren't strong feelings involved."

I didn't reply, instead I just turned back to Buffy, and I was pretty sure I saw the doctor smirk out of the corner of my eye.

"You're lucky you know," she said, rounding the edge of the bed and placing the clipboard back into a file holder at the end of it, "It's almost unbelievable that none of your major arteries or organs were hit."

I slid my hand over my midsection. Underneath the thin hospital gown I could feel what seemed like miles of gauze wrapped around my middle, "When can I be released?" I asked.

The doctor laughed, "Slow your roll, Tiger. You just woke up, we have to at _least_ keep you here for observation for a day or so."

I sighed. Sure, I was injured, but what this woman didn't know was that all manner of hell beast had been unleashed mere miles from here. It was only a matter of time before Sunnydale was taken over, and I wanted to be certain that Buffy and our gang was as far away from here as possible when that did happen. It would be hard to convince them, but we needed to retreat, think up a new strategy, otherwise everything we'd avoided in Los Angeles would come to pass.

"Thank you," I muttered, and the doctor bustled out the door, onto the next patient.

With the doctor gone, I brought my attention back to Buffy. It was somewhat amusing to me that she had stayed asleep for the entire exchange. I wondered how much she had slept over the past two days, how exhausted she still was from the battle. Part of me wanted to leave her be, let her recover, but I couldn't imagine the way she had folded herself into the chair to be all that comfortable. Maybe if I let her know I was awake and out of the woods, so to speak, she would go home and get a real night's rest.

"Buffy?" I whispered.

She gave no response, didn't even stir. If it wasn't for the steady sound of her exhalations as she slept I would have worried she wasn't breathing.

I lifted my arm off the bed slowly. It felt weighted, and my movements were sluggish, but I discovered she was within reach, and I gently brushed a lose piece of hair out of her face, "Buffy?"

The hair tickled her nose, and she stirred, untucking her hand from under her chin to brush the backs of her fingers over her face. During the lethargic action she seemed to suddenly come to, and remember where she was; pushing herself upright in the chair she blinked a few times, and turned back towards me. She blinked a couple more times, staring me straight in the eyes, before she realized that I was staring back at her. "Angel?" she asked hesitantly, her legs unfolding underneath her as she pushed herself to the edge of the seat.

"Hey," my face split into a crooked smile as I took in her bewildered expression. Her mind was racing, I could tell just from the look on her face.

"Doctor!" she exclaimed, jumping to her feet, "We... we should get a doctor..." she rambled.

"No, it's okay," she'd already turned and made a bee-line for the door, "Buffy she was just here!".

She stopped with her hand on the doorknob and turned back towards me, her eyes wide, "What?"

"She was just here, don't worry,"

She recoiled from the door, and studied it intently as though it had just burned her, "Oh,". She blinked at the door, before turning robotically and settling herself back into the chair. She sat there still and impossibly upright, with her eyes averted to the ground and her hands folded neatly in her lap. A drastic juxtaposition from the way she had been sleeping moments ago.

Silence hung thick in the air for what seemed like an eternity, Her eyes never moving from whatever spot they had fixed upon on the floor at her feet, and mine never moving from her face. There was so much I wanted to, needed to say to her, but her body language led me to believe that she had just as much to say, and probably needed to say it first; and so I waited.

"How?" was all she said. Her voice was barely more than a whisper, and when she finally looked back up to meet my eyes, hers had tears shimmering in them, "I... I don't understand."

"There was a prophecy," I explained, "I never told you because I wasn't even sure if it was about me, or if it would even happen in your lifetime..."

"A prophecy?" she murmured, her eyes were inquisitive, scared, confused...

"It said a vampire with a soul would play a pivotal role in the apocalypse, and as a reward..." I trailed off, I figured the rest was self explanatory.

"But they're still out there," Buffy continued, "We didn't win."

"I know," I sighed. I didn't know how to explain this; she seemed to be reeling as it was, how could I confess to her that my role was to change the future and keep her from dying? I couldn't put that on her now, "I don't really understand it either."

She was quiet again, her eyes were still glassy, and she was staring intently at my midsection. I wondered if she was remembering how much blood came gushing out of my wound, or if she was simply trying desperately not to cry.

"I almost watched you die..." she whispered, and a tear finally slipped down her cheek. She hastily wiped it away with the sleeve of the ratty hooded sweatshirt she was wearing.

"Buffy -"

"I'm sorry," her voice broke, "I'm sorry I didn't let you talk, that I was so stubborn... I..."

"Don't," I interrupted, "It wasn't your fault."

"But it was," she argued, "You pushed me out of the way."

"And I would do it again," I swore, "A thousand times over."

Her lip quivered, and she caught it between her teeth in hopes of hiding it, "But I was so terrible to you."

"Then make it up to me," I smirked.

She studied me inquisitively, and once the words sunk in I could see her struggling to hide the tiniest flicker of a smile from the corners of her mouth. Hope shone in her eyes, but she looked weary as well. I knew I didn't need to explain any further, but she knew as well as I did how much mending our relationship needed. It wouldn't be easy, and there were a lot of old wounds that I knew were about to be reopened if we went down this path, but I wasn't wasting any more time; I'd lost her too many times to throw away this chance.

"Don't... don't you want to take a bit of time, make sure this whole mortal thing sticks?" she grinned hesitantly.

I smiled back, "I think I have it on pretty good authority that this time it's permanent."

She looked puzzled.

"It's a long story, I'll explain later."

A strange mix of emotions swept over her features, she looked all at once sorrowful, relieved, exhausted, elated and frightened. I wondered how long it had been since she allowed herself to feel any of those things.

Without another word, she dragged the chair as close as she could to the edge of the bed, and with her head resting against my arm, she took my hand between hers.

There were no more words. In fact I was pretty certain she fell back to sleep not long afterwards, but I didn't care, I knew we would make it work this time. As much or as little time we had left on this earth, I would make sure of it.

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**I know, this was all very Deus Ex Machina of me... but what was I supposed to do? Leave him dead and have you all show up at my doorstep with torches and pitchforks? Of course not! I like a happy ending... even if I drag my characters to Hell and back before giving one to them. ;)**

**There is just an epilogue left to post, which I know sounds INSANE because there's still an apocalypse out there, BUT... I have an idea for a sequel. I had no intention of writing one, because I have far too many other projects (and ideas that are continually floating around in my head) that I've been ignoring to write fanfic and it really needs to stop (is there a support group for this sort of thing? I think I need one...), but alas, the idea sprouted in my brain and I guess I'll have to get to writing it eventually. Just don't hold your breath please because it's not gonna happen anytime soon! What I do know is that it won't be a P.O.V. story this time around, and I plan on using the other characters a lot more (not to say I won't throw in a good amount of B/A fluffiness to make up for this angsty journey I've just taken you all on).**

**Yikes, I'm rambling.**

**Please review!**


	28. Chapter 27: Epilogue

**Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS, AtS, or any of the characters portrayed therein. They belong to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc... of which I have zero affiliation. I'm just borrowing them to entertain myself for a little while.**

Author's Note: Well, here it is, the final chapter! Just a short rest for Buffy and Angel before the worst hits. ;)

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Chapter 27: Epilogue

The scythe clattered as it landed on the long, oval table, the tip of the blade scraping a thin line in the dark finish of the wood as it slid along the surface towards where Quentin Travers sat, his mouth agape as he studied the weapon.

"So," Buffy smiled, her hands resting defiantly on her hips as she surveyed the grey-haired men and women that sat around the table staring down at the scythe, then back at her, each with their own mix of abject horror, astonishment, curiosity or amusement, "Like I said," she continued, "you can either perform the ritual yourselves, or I'll use my own sources... if you choose the latter mind you, you're probably not gonna be too happy with it."

"Where... where did you find this?" Quentin almost growled.

"Like I even need to tell you," Buffy scoffed, "How long have you stuffy, tweedy bastards been hiding this from us?"

"Buffy..." I warned quietly at her side.

"This was not meant for you." Quentin hissed.

"Really? Cause there was this inscription... and I had a real King Arthur moment pulling it out of a stone and everything..."

"How dare you come here making demands of us!" Quentin seethed, "You have made a mockery of everything this council has stood for, and now you come here demanding we undo the way things have been since the dawn of time with a vampire in tow -"

"Hey, I'm a little hurt no one's noticed that it's daytime and I'm standing in front of an open window..." I sulked in jest.

"There there, Angel," Buffy soothed, sarcasm dripping from her tone, "These _fine_ gentlemen don't notice anything – especially not a good idea when it slaps them in the face."

"What you're asking of us is outrageous!" Quentin spat, "To call upon all the Slayers lying in wait... it would... it would-"

"Save the world!" Buffy interrupted, her tone becoming more and more aggravated with each passing second, "Stop pretending that you don't know exactly what's going on over there in North America! You know the news is lying, you know what's really causing all that devastation... Do you really think you can just sit up here with your eyes closed and hope it'll pass you by? It won't.

"I'm the Slayer, the Chosen One, and I couldn't stop it by myself. I don't think anyone could. So either you wake them all up so we can wage a fair war, or we will. Those are your only options. So tell me now; yes, or no?"

The room fell into a silent stand off between Buffy, and the Council heads sitting at the table. I grinned as I waited for someone to speak.

As soon as I'd been released from the hospital, I'd convinced the entire group to evacuate, but Buffy had started having dreams, dreams about something hidden in Sunnydale that could give her the power to unite the Slayers lying in wait. Remembering what the Shaman had revealed when I'd failed her the first time around, I knew it meant we couldn't leave until we'd discovered what it was. Thankfully for all of us, it didn't take much time before the dreams led her to the scythe.

With the mystical weapon in hand, we managed to catch one of the last flights off the continent before the ports that were left went into lockdown. I was convinced Willow had worked some magic to get us all on board, but she wouldn't admit to it. Tara had looked concerned, and I convinced everyone to stop pressing the issue.

One short day after arriving in England, with Giles' help we located the Council offices, and Buffy wasted no time breaking down their doors and making demands of them – which led us to precisely this moment, where I found myself holding my breath as I waited for someone to cave.

Buffy turned to look back at me, and the air whooshed loudly out of my lungs as I grinned at her. I could tell by the look on her face that she wanted to roll her eyes, but she simply smirked and turned back to what had boiled down to an intense staring contest. She'd been teasing me mercilessly about all the human things I was enthralled with, or forgetting to do.

Things had been too good to be true between us; I knew she was as reluctant as I was to dredge up the past on top of the war we were about to wage, I also knew we couldn't ignore it forever, but she actually seemed more like her old self than I'd seen her in ages. With everything that was about to bear down on us, I didn't have the heart to ruin it. I had to admit I was still too caught up in revelling in everything human to fully care.

We had time to work everything out. And if we didn't – well then I was going to enjoy whatever time I had left with her.

"You know I've never been a fan of your methods," Quentin finally said, "This time is no exception."

Buffy's eyes narrowed, "Fine, I'll just be taking this back then-"

"Wait!" a grey-haired woman shouted just as Buffy leaned across the table to retrieve the scythe. She stopped, and turned her attention to the woman.

"What is the meaning of this Stella?" Travers muttered, turning to the woman at his side.

"Quentin, if we let her walk away now, we lose control completely," she replied.

"She couldn't possibly have the means to-"

"You still question her? After all these years?" the woman named Stella asked, "After everything she's overcome, despite all the odds, despite all the times she's strayed so far from what you'd consider protocol."

Quentin scowled.

Stella turned to Buffy, studying her solemnly, "If we help you, what will we get in return?"

"Not killed. How does that sound?" Buffy snapped.

"You cannot expect us to call them all here, and then completely relinquish all our authority," she continued, "They have been our responsibility for millennia."

Buffy's eyes narrowed, and I could tell she was formulating some sort of witty comeback in her head.

"Buffy," I whispered as I stepped closer to her, "We're not in the position to be turning away allies... they may have resources we need."

"I don't trust them," she whispered back, never taking her eyes of the Watchers sitting around the table.

"Perhaps we can sit down, come to some sort of agreement?" Stella pleaded, shooting a stern glance to Quentin, who scowled.

"Yes," he grumbled, "Perhaps under these circumstances we should find some common ground."

It was Buffy's turn to scowl, and she turned to me with a frustrated look, I simply nodded. I knew what was coming, and I knew we would need all the help we could muster.

"Fine," she sighed, "We'll talk."

~0~

We exited the Watcher's Headquarters onto the bustling London streets, Buffy instantly shoving her hands into her coat pockets as we continued down the sidewalk.

Despite the overcast sky, it was far from being a cold day, however for someone born and raised in California, the weather would seem dreary. I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her closer, she instinctively pressed herself to my side for warmth. It made me grin.

"I still don't think we should have left it with them," she muttered.

"You'd rather tote a scythe around the streets of London?" I asked with a smirk.

"I just don't think we should trust them..."

"We don't have much of a choice," I answered, "Do you really think Willow could have pulled off that kind of a spell?"

"Probably. I mean, she managed to teleport all of us to the hospital safely," she offered.

When the overwhelming emotions finally wore off after our discussion in the hospital, I finally found a moment to ask Buffy how we even managed to get to Sunnydale. It turned out that Willow had been working on a teleportation spell in case of any emergencies, she'd never tried it with so many people, and it was an impressive feat that she managed to transport all nine of us safely, without any side effects.

"This is still a lot larger scale," I replied.

"I know," she sighed, leaning into me more heavily, "Ugh, I'm so sick of talking about this,"

"So am I," I chuckled, "So let's stop. We'll go back to the Council tomorrow with Giles, Wes and Willow, we'll figure it out then."

We continued on in silence a little while, Buffy finally pulling her hands out of her pockets to wrap her arms around my waist. Her touch was gentle, she still worried about my wounds. Regardless, it felt surreal to be having this moment with her, walking quietly down a crowded street in the middle of the day; nothing more than a normal couple, not being attacked by demons or bursting into flames.

"Where did the others say they were meeting us?" she asked finally.

"London Bridge," I replied, "I tried to explain to them that it wasn't the bridge they were thinking of, but they seemed pretty set on it."

"How far is that from Oxford Circus?" Buffy asked, peering up at me.

"Um... pretty far if memory serves, why?"

She grinned, "Shopping."

"I should have left you with Cordelia," I groaned teasingly.

"Hey! Can't a girl take her mind off the impending doom with a little bit of retail therapy?"

"We've got time, don't worry."

She fell silent, and we continued on. An old woman smiled at us as we passed, and I couldn't help but wonder what she would think if she knew what it took for us to get here. To her, we were simply a young couple, a budding romance, perhaps an echo of a love she experienced in her youth; what would she think if she knew this man had lived for centuries as a demon and a vicious killer, a tortured creature that had survived through the destruction of the entire earth. That the serene young woman at his side was really a warrior whom had made every sacrifice imaginable to keep the end from coming.

Maybe I had died, maybe this was just a dream after all. It felt too perfect, too mundane to be reality for us.

"Do we?" Buffy asked after awhile.

"Do we what?"

"Have time?"

I turned to glance down at her, she suddenly looked distraught and pleading. I stopped, pulling her around to face me, "Of course we do."

"Because they're still out there... and we only have half of a plan so far..."

I knew she was talking about the Horsemen, she hadn't referred to them by name since I'd woken up. I brought my hand up to cup her cheek, and she lifted hers to cover it. Her fingers were colder than mine as she wrapped them tightly around my hand, it was a sensation I hadn't gotten used to yet, "We have time, I know it."

"We have no idea how to beat this, Angel, how can you say that?"

I knew her fears were justified, in fact, I shared them; this was a new future, I would never again be one step ahead of the game, fully aware of what lay in store for us. The next time Death came for her, there was no guarantee I would be able to stop him.

Gazing into her eyes, she stared back up at me pleadingly, and I didn't have to know the future to understand why. Our past dictated that we were doomed to suffer, that our love wasn't enough and our every attempt to reconcile would be met with tragedy; in another time that was enough to convince us both to let go, but not anymore. I had fought too long and too hard to keep her safe, and it was what I intended on doing this time – keeping her.

"Because I can finally grow old and wrinkly with you, and that's exactly what I plan on doing." I whispered, pulling her closer.

The concern that creased her brow disappeared, and her face broke into a smile, one of the few genuine ones I'd seen in a long time. I knew it wasn't an answer, that we had what would probably be another gruesome battle ahead of us, but she deserved to take a step back and not think about it just as much as the others did. She deserved the distraction, she deserved to smile... it had been too long since I'd been able to make her smile, since I'd allowed myself to smile with her.

I bent down to capture her lips in a kiss. Her fingers found their way into my hair, and the world melted away around us.

We would overcome this.

We finally had a real chance together; we had to.

FIN

* * *

**So there you have it. I've left Buffy and Angel to enjoy themselves for a little while before I throw them back through the ringer in the sequel!**

**A quick, unrelated note; it continues to amuse me that everyone confuses London Bridge with Tower Bridge, I'm also well aware that Giles and Wesley would know the difference as much as Angel would, so please just assume they are not amongst the Scoobies Buffy and Angel are on their way to meet, it's just too tedious to list names, and completely unnecessary considering I just wanted Buffy and Angel to have a nice fluffy moment for all the hell I've just subjected them to.**

**If you're at all curious, even though I told myself not to, I started an outline for the sequel to this already (I will never understand why I have the best fanfic ideas when I'm determined to work on other things... never). One, I'm ridiculously excited to write some of the ideas I've come up with, and two, please, please, please don't hold your breath for it. The plot has already run away with itself, I'm not exaggerating when I say it looks like I've got character subplots comparable to Game of Thrones, so, it's gonna be a long and winding journey, and a long-ass time before I manage to finish it.**

**Finally, because I keep the best for last, a big thank you to everyone who's taken the time to read, and review (especially those who stuck with the story and wrote multiple), I'm glad the story was enjoyed despite how terribly depressing I made it. **

**Until next time, Ladies and Gentlemen!**

**~ Spectral Serenade**


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